AnnLanders.com, Advice by Ann Landers - []
Our Featured Column from the Archives: [Read More Featured Columns]
[Previous] [Next]
Section: mental-health, children
 
 

Dear Ann Landers,
I am planning to marry the love of my life in June. "Phillip" is a terrific guy except when it comes to my 12-year-old daughter, "Beth," who is very sweet but has attention deficit disorder. Phillip does not understand that she needs to be reminded of things over and over. When he asks her to do a chore, he expects her to jump to it immediately. He doesn't realize that Beth is easily distracted and forgets. She isn't being deliberately disobedient. I think Phillip is being too hard on Beth when he says she needs more discipline. I agree that Beth may resent Phillip's presence in my life, but it doesn't help when he yells at her all the time. I love him dearly, but I'm having second thoughts about what marrying him might do to my daughter. Help me make the right choice. -- Unsure in Baltimore

Dear Unsure,
Put Phillip in touch with the authority who diagnosed Beth's problem. When he understands it better, he will be a lot less judgmental. Work at smoothing the way between him and Beth. And don't let Phillip get away. In a few years, Beth will be gone, and you could be very much alone.



Share this Column with Friends




What do you think?
Comments:

A Note from Margo:
Hi! It's Margo here. I'd love to know what you think of the letters -- and the answers!

Also, any additional thoughts you might have. Thanks!

Janan's Comment
I would say that a man who yells at your 12 year old daughter is not a man you wnt in your house or in your life. For any reason. Period. Unlike some boyfriend, your daughter will never 'Be Gone." Your birthed her, she is yours. You brought her into the world and must see her through it. Additionally, unlike a hostile man (one who yells), your daughter WILL be there for you all your life. That man will probably yell at you too if he hasn't got the self control to keep from yelling at a 12 year old. And who is he to tell her to do chores? He's not her father or even married to you yet. If your daughter has ADD, it is something you must help her with that and put her needs first. At 12 years old she is forming her self identity and learning life coping skills. Her long term survival is more important that some mis-construed idea of what a perfect man is. Hint: a perfect man does NOT yell at your 12 year old daughter. Can't believe you even asked, and Ann Landers, you are from an old era, but even my grandmothers would not advise a woman to over look her daughter.

WritersWriter's Comment
Children with neurological problems never go away from their parents' lives. Most will need close family ties for all of their lives. Many have warm personalities and it is sad that this man cannot make the shift needed for her to feel comfortable in her own home. If you are at the point of marriage and he has not learned how to interact with your special needs daughter he is not the man for your household. The love of your life is your disabled daughter and the right man for you is the one that can love, understand, and respect both of you.

Maryann's Comment
This is probably the most awful advice Ann has ever given. This woman's twelve year old daughter has a handicap and the man she plans to marry is "yelling at her all the time." Ann tells the woman "Don't let him get away. In a few years Beth will be gone." Yes, Beth will be gone all right--out of her mother's life forever. The man's animosity toward this 12 year old girl will only get worse after he marries her mother. Dump him now. I think Ann must have either been drinking or ill to give such terrible advice.

Reader Comment
I would rather be very much alone than married to someone who yells at my daughter all the time.

Reader Comment
Sorry to criticize Ann, but her answer to this was a heartbreaker! The Mom is fortunate to have proof of this man's insensitivity and temperament BEFORE she says I do. I suspect if the child was this mans biological daughter he would take a more active role in learning about/supporting her disability. Hope mom and child will head for the hills while there's still time!!!

Adams Vera's Comment
What a wonderful and a straight forward spell caster that has brought back joy and happiness into my life! Am giving this testimony because am so happy, I want to thank Dr. Osasu for the great thing He has done in my life , He brought happiness back to my life, I never believed in spell casters until my life fell apart when my lover of 6 years decided to call it quit almost when we wanted to get married. I was so emotional breakdown to the extent i could not do anything reasonable again, after 2months in pain before an old friend of mine introduced me to a spell caster on line called Dr Osasu, this was after I have been scammed by various fake spell casters. I was introduced me to Dr Osasu a true Spell Caster. In less than 24 hours i saw wonders, my lover came back to me and my life got back just like a completed puzzle, and after 1month later we got married and it was just like a dream to me because i thought i had lost him forever. Thank you Dr. Osasu for helping me but most of all, Your Honesty and Fast Accurate Results. email: [email protected] WhatsApp Number: 2347064365391

Reader Comment
I would dump him! My child comes first!

Reader Comment
m here to give my testimony about Dr latifah who helped me.. i want to inform the public how i was cured from (HERPES SIMPLEX VIRUS) by salami, i visited different hospital but they gave me list of drugs like Famvir, Zovirax, and Valtrex which is very expensive to treat the symptoms and never cured me. I was browsing through the Internet searching for remedy on HERPES and i saw comment of people talking about how Dr latifah cured them. when i contacted her she gave me hope and send a Herbal medicine to me that i took for just 2 weeks and it seriously worked for me, my HERPES result came out negative. I am so happy as i am sharing this testimony. My advice to you all who thinks that there is no cure for herpes that is Not true just contact her and get cure from Dr maam healing herbal cure of all kinds of sickness you may have like (1) CANCER, (2) DIABETES, (3) HIV

Helen Fisher's Comment
husband left you for another woman? Do not cry anymore dr.unity is a true and real Psychics he brought back my husband to me" I am Helen Fisher from USA. I have been married for over 13 years, my husband left me for another woman and i wanted him back. I did everything within my reach to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so badly because of the love I had for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to my friend and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back , I had no choice than to try it. I messaged the spell caster called dr unity, and he assured me there was no problem and that everything will be okay before 11 hours. He cast the spell and surprisingly 11 hours later my husband called me. I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that had happened He wanted me to return to him. He also said he loved me so much. I was so happy and went to him that was how we started living together happily again.thanks to dr unity for the real spell and if you have any problem contact him he is honest.Here’s his contact Call/Whats-app him: 2348055361568 ,or Email him at: [email protected] ,website:https://drunity.simplesite.com

Helen Fisher's Comment
I am the most happiest woman on earth right now, My husband that left me few months ago just came back to me last night crying for me to take him back. dr.unity is a true and real Psychics He brought back my husband" I am Helen Fisher from USA. I have been married for over 13 years, my husband left me for another woman and i wanted him back. I did everything within my reach to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so badly because of the love I had for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to my friend and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back , I had no choice than to try it. I messaged the spell caster called dr unity, and he assured me there was no problem and that everything will be okay before 11 hours. He cast the spell and surprisingly 11 hours later my husband called me. I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that had happened He wanted me to return to him. He also said he loved me so much. I was so happy and went to him that was how we started living together happily again.thanks to dr unity for the real spell and if you have any problem contact him he is honest.Here’s his contact Call/Whats-app him: 2348055361568 ,or Email him at: [email protected] ,visit his website:https://drunity.simplesite.com

Reader Comment
This was awful advice, Ann. No mother should marry a man who is abusive to a child. No mother should stay with a man who abuses her children. No child should have to bear constant abuse, so that their mother would not be alone. The message that you sent to that 12-year old girl is that having a man in your life is more important than loving your child. Shame on you.

Twobsure's Comment
Oh my....Run! I totally disagree with Ann! My daughter too had ADD

Twobsure's Comment
My comment was cut off! My son's father was very mean to my daughter

Twobsure's Comment
My comment was cut off! My son's father was very mean to my daughter

Twobsure's Comment
Oh my....Run! I totally disagree with Ann! My daughter too had ADD

Mary's Comment
Phillip may be a great guy. Men come and go, Your primary obligation is to raising Beth. If Phillip would tread lightly and let you do the parenting, this might work out. If Phillip doesn’t relate well to Beth’s situation, he could do a lot of damage, Beth will suffer for it, and the marriage won’t last. Beth’s abilities most likely will improve in time and with study. Sounds like the timing for this relationship is off.. Anyone who has raised children will tell you, the years go by so fast, and you don’t get any do-overs. You will have plenty of time to cater to the whims of a man, when your daughter is raised and not vulnerable.

Kathy K's Comment
Ann is SOOOOO wrong. Your daughter comes first. Her life will be one of misery, and the emotional and psychological harm that will be done to her by living with a stepfather that yells, is too hard on her and makes no accommodation for AHDH will be permanent. Your first responsibility is to your daughter. You owe her a life that is peaceful and accepting. This NOT the man for you and your daughter.
 
Please share your comments below:








Our Reader to Reader Question of the Week:


Dear Readers,
, My x-girlfriend who lived with my son and I for 16 years died of cancer. Prior before we knew she had cancer-she moved out because of an addiction problem. We did stay very close before she died. Her x-husband an attorney took over her finances and the burial arrangements. I being financially set was okay with that, whatever they needed I provided. What really hurt my son and I the most was the obituary - we were not mentioned at all. Our friends (mine and hers) were appalled. I was embarrassed and upset for not just me, but for my son-who loved her also. I never been so upset. Her x-husband put his wife and kids and their grandchildren in the obituary, who my girlfriend barely knew. They live an hour away from us. I know its silly to be mad over a little section of the newspaper, but it still hurts. Will time let this devastating loss of her and this article ever go away? I am so angry at this whole situation, its not like we can go and rewrite an obituary notice.

Tell us what you think?

Popular Columns

Tag Cloud


Ask a Question
or
Post a Comment

"If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife."
-Ann Landers