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Section: children, relationships, sexuality, dating
 
 

Dear Ann Landers,
Last New Year's Eve, my 15-year-old daughter had a party for her friends, under my supervision, of course. At midnight, while I was busy passing out soft drinks and food, I turned around to see "John," my 40-year-old boyfriend, kissing one of my daughter's 16-year-old friends. This was no ordinary peck on the cheek. The kiss was on the lips, and John's hands were planted firmly on her behind. The girl's arms were wrapped around his neck. When I confronted Mr. Hot Stuff later that night, he said he'd had too much to drink and didn't know what he was doing. John has apologized at least five times, but I can't seem to get that steamy scene out of my mind. He is a caring, wonderful man with a heart of gold, and we get along very well. As far as I know, he has been 100 percent faithful. Until this happened, I was sure he was Mr. Right. Should I forgive him for this one lapse, or is it a red flag that signifies a major character flaw? I need your advice. -- Unsure in Columbia, Ohio

Dear Columbia,
I opt for the one-lapse explanation this time. Accept it. Alcohol can do strange things. Consider this a dead issue, and suggest that John stick to cola on future occasions.



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A Note from Margo:
Hi! It's Margo here. I'd love to know what you think of the letters -- and the answers!

Also, any additional thoughts you might have. Thanks!

Reader Comment
Are you kidding me? The child is sixteen and the woman's boyfriend is 40. The worst boundary crossed that night wasn’t cheating on his girlfriend but completely inappropriate behavior with a child. Has he apologized to the sixteen year old or her family? Has he recognized how damaging his behavior towards that girls could be? Blaming alcohol is a weak excuse. No, just no.

Reader Comment
Dump him. Huge liability. Disgusting. I don't care how drunk you are. Minors are minors.

Marina's Comment
The boyfriend made a big mistake. He should never have kissed a minor no matter what. It's up to the girlfriend to forgive him or not, but to me that was a huge red flag. What happens next time he has too much to drink? What excuse would he make then? These are questions she should ask herself.

Deborah's Comment
Any man that would behave like that with a friend of her daughter is one she should never trust with her own daughter.

Reader Comment
uh uh uh uh not in my book! DUMP HIM! Because that is crossing the line and he could be in heap of legal trouble! I would be so worried since if my daughter is around this man!

Janice's Comment
Disagree with other commenters. He was drunk. Get over it. As far as the sixteen-year-old goes, has she or her parents complained? If not, forget it.

KingofKings2020's Comment
Run, don't walk, run to get away from this man. If not for yourself , do it for your daughter. This time it was one of her 16 year old friends, but your daughter is 15. When will 1 drink to many or that medication he on be the cause he tried to or successfully slept with your child. It sucks to lose someone you love and saw your life with but alcohol does not cause you to do things you would never do, it makes you do the things you always wanted to do but your mind stopped you. The only thing that will come from staying with him is a visit to Maury to see if he is cheating or to the Steve Wilco show to see if he is a child molester. Neither do you deserve or need in your life. Move on for yourself and your daughter and focus on being happy without a person. Then you can find a man who deserves you.

Save Yourself's Comment
What was this man doing drinking at a party for minors? That in itself is inappropriate. His behavior is completely unacceptable. Dump him now and consider yourself lucky.

Reader Comment
"Dear "John", Buh bye."

Laura's Comment
What is wrong with you? The original Ann Launders would have told her to kick him to the curb. He is a child predator. You have let a fox in the hen house. Time for you to hand over the reins to another “Ann Launder

henderway's Comment
He's a child molesting predator. And, after this, can you honestly say you'd be fine with him being alone with your daughter? Get rid of this chump unless you can look forward to a future of drama and cheating.

melonie's Comment
Not only does he need to leave the house as she has a daughter there. She needs to let the parents of the 16 year old in question know what happened so they can take appropriate action. What he did was predatory. At what age does alcohol become no longer an excuse? 14, 12, 8?

Chh's Comment
WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU ANN?!? SHE'S SIXTEEN AND HE'S 40! IT'S DEPRAVED AND DISGUSTING! SHAME ON YOU!

Debra's Comment
Report it to the girl's parents and encourage them to report it to the police!

bijoux59's Comment
Break up. Get him out of your life before he molests another underage woman. He is a predator. If you don’t get him out of your life, he may molest or rape (statutory) your daughter or another of her friends. Do yourself a favor

Brian's Comment
Are you serious? The man is a perv. Dump his ass.

Reader Comment
I am horrified at your advice, and also the poor judgement displayed by this mother who writes an advice columnist instead of kicking this man out of their lives immediately. I hope the parents of the 16 year old report him since the mother here has no sense of how to protect her own child. Alcohol is no excuse. It loosens inhibitions, not changes predilections. Nothing could be a bigger red flag. Ann, you are way off base and you need to retire.
 
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Dear Readers,
, whatever they needed I provided. What really hurt my son and I the most was the obituary - we were not mentioned at all. Our friends (mine and hers) were appalled. I was embarrassed and upset for not just me, but for my son-who loved her also. I never been so upset. Her x-husband put his wife and kids and their grandchildren in the obituary, who my girlfriend barely knew. They live an hour away from us. I know its silly to be mad over a little section of the newspaper, but it still hurts. Will time let this devastating loss of her and this article ever go away? I am so angry at this whole situation, its not like we can go and rewrite an obituary notice.

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"If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife."
-Ann Landers