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Section: relationships, dating, behavior, marriage, family

Dear Margo,
I am engaged to a wonderful man who treats me like a queen, is considerate and thoughtful, and has excellent manners. He is hardworking and has been there for me through thick and thin. "John" is 28, and I am 27. We have known each other for three years and have lived together for 11 months. My father has never given John a chance. Dad says it is because he didn't ask for permission before our first date, which is a mighty lame excuse. I thought Dad would change his mind when John and I became officially engaged seven months ago, but it hasn't happened. My father is zealous about his religious beliefs and said he will not attend our wedding because John is not "religious enough." Also, Dad looks down on John because he has only a high school education and I have a college degree. Dad says a woman should never marry beneath herself "education wise." Finally, John's job is manual labor -- he drives a moving truck. Dad thinks when John gets older and can no longer do that sort of work, he will become dependent on me. The truth is that John makes a lot of money working for an international company, and his retirement plan is far superior to mine. This situation hurts my mother and me, and it is hard to explain to John. My uncle will be walking me down the aisle. I have cried a bucket of tears over this, and no one has been able to change Dad's mind. Any ideas, Ann? -- Woodbridge, Va.

Yesterday's Response:

Dear Virginia,
Your father is mean-spirited and punitive. His reasoning is faulty, and his values are cockeyed. Ignore his stubbornness, and make plans without him. I fear he is going to pay dearly for his dominating ways and heavy-handedness. Have a wonderful wedding, dear, and be a beautiful, beaming bride.

Today's Response:

Dear Virginia,
Oh, Dad, poor Dad. He's confused. Traditionally, one asks for a woman's hand in marriage - not to go out on a date. He also sounds like what I have long called a "wack-job-Churchie." His opinions are set, so forget about any reformation. Stop crying and accept the reality that you were not a winner in the Father Lottery. It happens. Have faith in your own values, they are good ones.
- Margo

November 30, 2014 - 25 comments

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Comments:

Suzanne's Comment

I love seeing Ann's answers from yesteryear! Since Ann had such a long career, it would be helpful to know the year in which her original response appeared.

Sharon 's Comment

I agree with Suzanne, dates would be great. It would also be nice to be able to just read the column in order, rather than just a handful by subject.

Maryann's Comment

I hope this young woman accepted the fact that she isn't going to change Dad and she shouldn't let him detract from her happiness. It sounds like he is engaging in a power play and when he sees she is going to do what she wants and be happy without him, maybe he will calm down. If not, she hasn't lost much.

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Momma Reyes's Comment

Dear Virginia, I have a much different response. Today we are so quick to dismiss important relationships because it may take time and effort. People can change and a father-daughter relationship is so special. It may take time, but love your father through this changing time in his life. Don’t doubt his love for you and take the time to talk to him and arrange times where he can get to know your fiancé. Work towards a stronger family. You will reap numerous blessings from these relationships and for your future children. Don’t write off your family. You won’t regret it. Just call me Momma Reyes!

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Deming NM's Comment

Dear Ann/Margo, Please delete the comments and/or block the posters who are using the comments section to advertise 'magic' fixes for their relationships. Thanks.

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Try writing a letter. Write it, wait a couple days and see if you need to adjust it. Written letters are good because they can’t be interrupted.

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CSC's Comment

You cannot change another person. You can only change yourself. You and your beloved are both well into adulthood and are self-supporting. If you are living together, it's a bit late to ask Daddy's permission for anything. Stop worrying about Dad. Let him stew in his own juice. Have a wonderful wedding. When you have your first child, ask Dad if he would like to see his grandchild. Otherwise, you will be taking the baby over to see your uncle.

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