Section: children, family, marriage, manners
Dear Ann Landers,
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A Note from Margo:
Hi! It's Margo here. I'd love to know what you think of the letters -- and the answers!
Also, any additional thoughts you might have. Thanks!
Also, any additional thoughts you might have. Thanks!
Marina 's Comment
I disagree. In no way is this Dad obligated to pay for his daughter's wedding. He paid for her car. That's enough.
Deduct the cost of the car payments from the wedding expenses. The adult daughter seems to feel entitled to having anything she wants without paying for them.
It's a shame the father did not repossess the car. He didn't do his daughter any favors by allowing her to get away with this. I think his prior agreement to help pay for his daughter's wedding is void under the circumstances. "Sorry, honey. I love you, but I paid X amount of dollars for your car for four years. THAT MONEY CAME OUT OF YOUR WEDDING FUND. I guess you and your mom will need to plan something simple." I hope he has the guts. This girl desperately needs a wake-up call.
Dad to daughter: "Sorry honey, the payments we made for four years on your car came out of your wedding fund. I guess you and your mom will have to plan something simple. Love you."
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Make your daughter pay for her own wedding! She didn’t pay you back!
I paid my son's rent for over 3 1/2 years; paid half for his newer vehicle and then when I got fed up with his nasty attitude toward me and tried to distance myself from him, he's trying to get me committed and declared incompetent. He's 55 now and is berating me for leaving my "child". I have contributed to his adult life over $60,000.00 because I didn't want him to struggle as I always had to when he was young. Is this entitled, or what?
Grace Powell Harper 's Comment
He paid for her car . That's enough . She is lucky .
No reason Dad shouldn't deduct money paid for car from amount he would have paid for wedding. Daughter needs a wake-up call.
Momma Reyes's Comment
Dear Still Hurting, take a deep breath and think this through. Didn't you help pay off her car when she wasn't able because you love your daughter? It's not the first time a parent has helped their child financially. She is about to get married and you are about to walk her down the aisle. She is marrying someone you like. That is huge. They are going to have children. You are going to be a grandfather. Take this opportunity to bury the hurt from the past and start thinking about your future relationship with your daughter. That's more important than money. Help her the best you can financially with her wedding and savor every precious moment that is about to come with enjoying family life. Trust me the whole grandparent season in life is incredible! As her father, take the lead and build that bond. Your entire family will reap the benefits. Let me know how it goes. [email protected]
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I would deduct the car amount and give her a set amount for the wedding. If you agree to pay for half you may be shocked at how much half will end up being. I paid for my daughters college(85K)Wedding was on her.
I think the dad is perfectly within his rights to do what he’s doing, but he should have let her and the ex wife know YEARS ago that he would not be financing her wedding because he was using that money to bail out his pathetic excuse for a daughter. He should have had the thing repossessed.
Hannah banana 's Comment
So dad paid for her car and now you want bim to pay for the wedding. What about when she sees a really nice house that is way out of budget for her and her hubby's salaries? I mean, dad's been carrying her this far, why not help take on an expensive down payment for her and when she needs money to make the payments each month, he should hand it over. Kids? Well, designer clothes, expensive daycare, then private schools, which dad will be expected to foot, because he has never told her no. I think her wedding is a perfect time to say no. Not "take the cost of the car out" because she will expect dad to help with other expenses. Just no. You're a big girl now. Learn how to budget.
Your daughter leveraged your credit rating to blackmail you for almost 12 grand. You owe her nothing.
Offer to pay for the wedding--after deducting $11,316. Actions have consequences.
I agree with Hannah banana's comment. Entitled trollops need to learn budgets and how to stick with them. Also, I believe the father should have repossessed the car once the inconsiderate nasty daughter stopped making payments. I, too have been a victim of an entitled child now in his 50's who has declared me as unfit to be a mother since I cut him off after paying his rent for years, buying vitamins
Dad cosigned DAUGHTER’S loan, Daughter was jerk and knowingly stiffed him; he AND his second wife made four years of sacrifices to treat Daughter to the ENTIRE auto purchase — with Wife 1 never contributing a dime — and now globetrotting Daughter Dearest and Wife 1 want Dad to shell out for half that selfish, greedy girl’s nuptial-extravaganza weekend?!? And let me guess, Dad and/or his second wife had declined some prime investment opportunities in Daughter’s initial career years, as he wanted to give her a better start than he’d had. Now, of course, that he and his second wife are facing retirement or old age with less than they really need, or less than they’d prefer, they’re doing their level best to set aside the years of hurt feelings. So much for the brat’s or witch ex’s recognizing their epic generosity — much less praising it! Let’s hope Daughter Dearest or Dad winds up living in a state where grandparents have some rights: this girl’s callously used Dad’s love loyalty as a means of economic extortion. Of course this hasn’t been discussed, as Dad never even talks with the self-absorbed Bride-to-Be. But if Dad and his second wife don’t ante up now, Daughter Dearest may well withhold any children she’ll have. In any case, as Wife 1 has obviously been turning the screws — there’ll be room for all HER family and friends, count on it — this poor man’s apt to find he sees little of those eventual kids. Daughter Dearest AND Wife 1 sound like spiteful, controlling head cases.
You agreed that you and your ex-wife would "share the cost of a wedding", but you set no spending limit? That is virtually a blank check. Tell ex and daughter exactly how much money you will donate to her wedding fund. If you want to deduct the price you paid for her car, do so. She is an adult. Her beloved is an adult. They should shoulder much of the wedding's costs. They should also have a budget for a wedding suitable for their economic status. The more they have to pay, the more reasonable they will be.
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