, Advice by Ann Landers - []
Our Featured Column from the Archives: [Read More Featured Columns]
[Previous] [Next]
Section: children, family, marriage, manners

Dear Ann Landers,
Many years ago, my daughter asked me to co-sign a loan for a new car. She was young and just starting out, so my wife and I agreed to co-sign. After making only a couple of payments, she defaulted. By then, my wife and I had divorced, and I had remarried. My new wife and I ended up paying $246 a month for almost four years in order to pay off that loan. We did it because we felt it was important to maintain our credit rating, as well as our daughter's. My ex-wife refused to help in any way. Our daughter is now engaged to a fine young man. When we divorced, my ex-wife and I agreed to share the cost of a wedding whenever our daughter decided to marry. Since my ex did not contribute one cent to paying off that auto loan, I do not feel obligated to contribute to a future wedding and have said so. My daughter, with her "good credit rating," just bought a new car and took a nice vacation. She has never offered to pay back one red cent of the money I laid out for her first car. The young man is wonderful and had nothing to do with this mess. I feel uneasy about backing out on the wedding expenses, but I still think I'm justified in doing so. What do you say? -- Still Hurting in Levittown, N.Y.

Dear Levittown,
Sorry, I don't agree. You are mixing apples and oranges and coming up with lemons. Years ago, you and your ex-wife agreed to share the cost of your daughter's wedding "whenever she decided to marry." Well, Dad, the time has come, and you are honor-bound to keep your word.

Share this Column with Friends

What do you think?

A Note from Margo:
Hi! It's Margo here. I'd love to know what you think of the letters -- and the answers!

Also, any additional thoughts you might have. Thanks!

Marina 's Comment
I disagree. In no way is this Dad obligated to pay for his daughter's wedding. He paid for her car. That's enough.

Reader Comment
Deduct the cost of the car payments from the wedding expenses. The adult daughter seems to feel entitled to having anything she wants without paying for them.

Maryann's Comment
It's a shame the father did not repossess the car. He didn't do his daughter any favors by allowing her to get away with this. I think his prior agreement to help pay for his daughter's wedding is void under the circumstances. "Sorry, honey. I love you, but I paid X amount of dollars for your car for four years. THAT MONEY CAME OUT OF YOUR WEDDING FUND. I guess you and your mom will need to plan something simple." I hope he has the guts. This girl desperately needs a wake-up call.

Maryann's Comment
Dad to daughter: "Sorry honey, the payments we made for four years on your car came out of your wedding fund. I guess you and your mom will have to plan something simple. Love you."

Adams Vera's Comment
What a wonderful and a straight forward spell caster that has brought back joy and happiness into my life! Am giving this testimony because am so happy, I want to thank Dr. Osasu for the great thing He has done in my life , He brought happiness back to my life, I never believed in spell casters until my life fell apart when my lover of 6 years decided to call it quit almost when we wanted to get married. I was so emotional breakdown to the extent i could not do anything reasonable again, after 2months in pain before an old friend of mine introduced me to a spell caster on line called Dr Osasu, this was after I have been scammed by various fake spell casters. I was introduced me to Dr Osasu a true Spell Caster. In less than 24 hours i saw wonders, my lover came back to me and my life got back just like a completed puzzle, and after 1month later we got married and it was just like a dream to me because i thought i had lost him forever. Thank you Dr. Osasu for helping me but most of all, Your Honesty and Fast Accurate Results. email: [email protected] WhatsApp Number: 2347064365391

augstian's Comment
I completely trusted Dr Abaka totally from the time I spoke with him during the period my husband Left me after 13 years of our marriage, He started the spell work on my husband, and gave me so much assurance and guaranteed me that he was going to bring my husband back to my feet in just 48 hours of the spell casting. I was so confident in his work and just as he said in the beginning, my husband is finally back to me again, yes he is back with all his hearts, Love, care, emotions and flowers and things are better now. I would have no hesitation to recommend this powerful spell caster to anybody who is in need of help.. E-mail; [email protected] com Or add him up on whatapps; 2349063230051.

Reader Comment
Make your daughter pay for her own wedding! She didn’t pay you back!

Reader Comment
I paid my son's rent for over 3 1/2 years; paid half for his newer vehicle and then when I got fed up with his nasty attitude toward me and tried to distance myself from him, he's trying to get me committed and declared incompetent. He's 55 now and is berating me for leaving my "child". I have contributed to his adult life over $60,000.00 because I didn't want him to struggle as I always had to when he was young. Is this entitled, or what?

Grace Powell Harper 's Comment
He paid for her car . That's enough . She is lucky .

Ronnie's Comment
No reason Dad shouldn't deduct money paid for car from amount he would have paid for wedding. Daughter needs a wake-up call.

Momma Reyes's Comment
Dear Still Hurting, take a deep breath and think this through. Didn't you help pay off her car when she wasn't able because you love your daughter? It's not the first time a parent has helped their child financially. She is about to get married and you are about to walk her down the aisle. She is marrying someone you like. That is huge. They are going to have children. You are going to be a grandfather. Take this opportunity to bury the hurt from the past and start thinking about your future relationship with your daughter. That's more important than money. Help her the best you can financially with her wedding and savor every precious moment that is about to come with enjoying family life. Trust me the whole grandparent season in life is incredible! As her father, take the lead and build that bond. Your entire family will reap the benefits. Let me know how it goes. [email protected]

sandra lopez's Comment
I was searching for help on the internet to get my ex husband back after he divorced me 5 months ago, i came across so many testimonies from different people and they are all talking about this wonderful man called Doctor silver on how he help them to save their marriage and relationships and i also contact him on his email ([email protected]) and explain my problem to him and he did a nice job by helping me to get my divorced husband back within 48 hours.. I never believe that such things like this can be possible but now i am a living testimony to it because Doctor silver actually brought my lover back, If you are having any relationship problems why not contact Doctor silver for help via email: [email protected] or whatsapp 2348123877102 Then i promise you that after 48 hours you will have reasons to celebrate like me.

Ronice Harrison's Comment
Me and my husband was going through a divorce after 7 years of marriage I see that come in for a while we just was not the same with each other I contacted Dr Tunde he cast of a powerful marriage blessing that reunited me back together with my husband and also made our marriage stronger than ever it’s like we’re newlyweds all over again thank you so much from the bottom of my heart love you Dr Tunde  you  can also contact Dr Tunde on via email [email protected] or WhatsApp mobile number 2348143581382

Reader Comment
I would deduct the car amount and give her a set amount for the wedding. If you agree to pay for half you may be shocked at how much half will end up being. I paid for my daughters college(85K)Wedding was on her.

Reader Comment
I think the dad is perfectly within his rights to do what he’s doing, but he should have let her and the ex wife know YEARS ago that he would not be financing her wedding because he was using that money to bail out his pathetic excuse for a daughter. He should have had the thing repossessed.

Hannah banana 's Comment
So dad paid for her car and now you want bim to pay for the wedding. What about when she sees a really nice house that is way out of budget for her and her hubby's salaries? I mean, dad's been carrying her this far, why not help take on an expensive down payment for her and when she needs money to make the payments each month, he should hand it over. Kids? Well, designer clothes, expensive daycare, then private schools, which dad will be expected to foot, because he has never told her no. I think her wedding is a perfect time to say no. Not "take the cost of the car out" because she will expect dad to help with other expenses. Just no. You're a big girl now. Learn how to budget.

Laura's Comment
Your daughter leveraged your credit rating to blackmail you for almost 12 grand. You owe her nothing.

Reader Comment
Offer to pay for the wedding--after deducting $11,316. Actions have consequences.

Reader Comment
I agree with Hannah banana's comment. Entitled trollops need to learn budgets and how to stick with them. Also, I believe the father should have repossessed the car once the inconsiderate nasty daughter stopped making payments. I, too have been a victim of an entitled child now in his 50's who has declared me as unfit to be a mother since I cut him off after paying his rent for years, buying vitamins

Me's Comment
Dad cosigned DAUGHTER’S loan, Daughter was jerk and knowingly stiffed him; he AND his second wife made four years of sacrifices to treat Daughter to the ENTIRE auto purchase — with Wife 1 never contributing a dime — and now globetrotting Daughter Dearest and Wife 1 want Dad to shell out for half that selfish, greedy girl’s nuptial-extravaganza weekend?!? And let me guess, Dad and/or his second wife had declined some prime investment opportunities in Daughter’s initial career years, as he wanted to give her a better start than he’d had. Now, of course, that he and his second wife are facing retirement or old age with less than they really need, or less than they’d prefer, they’re doing their level best to set aside the years of hurt feelings. So much for the brat’s or witch ex’s recognizing their epic generosity — much less praising it! Let’s hope Daughter Dearest or Dad winds up living in a state where grandparents have some rights: this girl’s callously used Dad’s love loyalty as a means of economic extortion. Of course this hasn’t been discussed, as Dad never even talks with the self-absorbed Bride-to-Be. But if Dad and his second wife don’t ante up now, Daughter Dearest may well withhold any children she’ll have. In any case, as Wife 1 has obviously been turning the screws — there’ll be room for all HER family and friends, count on it — this poor man’s apt to find he sees little of those eventual kids. Daughter Dearest AND Wife 1 sound like spiteful, controlling head cases.

CSC's Comment
You agreed that you and your ex-wife would "share the cost of a wedding", but you set no spending limit? That is virtually a blank check. Tell ex and daughter exactly how much money you will donate to her wedding fund. If you want to deduct the price you paid for her car, do so. She is an adult. Her beloved is an adult. They should shoulder much of the wedding's costs. They should also have a budget for a wedding suitable for their economic status. The more they have to pay, the more reasonable they will be.
Please share your comments below:

Our Reader to Reader Question of the Week:

Dear Readers,
, My x-girlfriend who lived with my son and I for 16 years died of cancer. Prior before we knew she had cancer-she moved out because of an addiction problem. We did stay very close before she died. Her x-husband an attorney took over her finances and the burial arrangements. I being financially set was okay with that, whatever they needed I provided. What really hurt my son and I the most was the obituary - we were not mentioned at all. Our friends (mine and hers) were appalled. I was embarrassed and upset for not just me, but for my son-who loved her also. I never been so upset. Her x-husband put his wife and kids and their grandchildren in the obituary, who my girlfriend barely knew. They live an hour away from us. I know its silly to be mad over a little section of the newspaper, but it still hurts. Will time let this devastating loss of her and this article ever go away? I am so angry at this whole situation, its not like we can go and rewrite an obituary notice.

Tell us what you think?

Popular Columns

Tag Cloud

Ask a Question
Post a Comment

"If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife."
-Ann Landers