Dear Margo, Our only son married a wonderful woman last year. We love her dearly, the problem is, she doesn't love us. In fact she seems barely able to tolerate us since the wedding. I've tried my best to find out if my husband or I did or said something to offend her, but that doesn't seem to be the case. She was never overly warm and friendly, but now is bordering on rude to us. They live about 2 hours away and come "home" for weekends fairly often. They spend a few hours with us, usually arriving after my husband has gone to bed. then spend the rest of the weekend with her family. The few hours they are there, she barely speaks and gives one or two word answers to questions. Days later, I'll find out that there was a whole story that she could have given as an answer! I'm finding it heartbreaking that we are hearing about their lives from friends instead of them. This was never a problem with our son in the past. What can we do to mend this?
- Sad MIL
Dear Sad MIL, This is quite odd, and, as you wrote, bordering on rude. There could be different reasons for this.
Some new wives feel competitive with their husband's parents if the relationship is close. I do not consider this to be well-adjusted, but it's sometimes the way things are. Also, she obviously prefers to be with her family. And ... some people are just cold, but you say she's "a wonderful woman." (Arriving when they know your husband is in bed is not being wonderful.) I have two suggestions. 1) Ask your son what the problem is. He may or may not know. 2) Tell him the visits to you are clearly something she'd prefer not to do, and there are two solutions to that. One is that each could spend the weekend with their own parents, or you can lay it on the line and say if he feels he'd like to be with her, you will give up your visits with him rather than be subjected to her dismissive behavior. This is not what you asked, but I have a hunch this will be your son's first marriage. - Margo
Hi! It's Margo here. I'd love to know what you think of the letters -- and the answers!
Also, any additional thoughts you might have. Thanks!
Jennifer Sanchez's Comment
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Momma Reyes's Comment
Dear Sad MIL, so sorry to hear about your dilemma. You’re relationship with your son is too important to let it become distant. I would say, continue to love on both of them. It takes time for an in-law to feel comfortable with a new family. Plan some time with her shopping or cooking together or watching a TV program you both enjoy. Work at it. Family is too important so don’t give up. The reward will be so worth it in the end. Don’t let the trials make you bitter. Love will always win the day. [email protected]
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Our Reader to Reader Question of the Week:
Dear Readers, , My x-girlfriend who lived with my son and I for 16 years died of cancer. Prior before we knew she had cancer-she moved out because of an addiction problem. We did stay very close before she died. Her x-husband an attorney took over her finances and the burial arrangements. I being financially set was okay with that, whatever they needed I provided. What really hurt my son and I the most was the obituary - we were not mentioned at all. Our friends (mine and hers) were appalled. I was embarrassed and upset for not just me, but for my son-who loved her also. I never been so upset. Her x-husband put his wife and kids and their grandchildren in the obituary, who my girlfriend barely knew. They live an hour away from us. I know its silly to be mad over a little section of the newspaper, but it still hurts. Will time let this devastating loss of her and this article ever go away? I am so angry at this whole situation, its not like we can go and rewrite an obituary notice.
"At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other."
