Dear Margo,
My wife has cancer. We have been battling it for six years, and short of a major miracle, she will die from it. I am not asking for sympathy. We are living our lives as fully as we can, and we are not shy about discussing all aspects of this battle when it comes to our children, friends and family. Here is my problem: I find it painful when friends say to her, "Get well soon." It hurts to hear these words. They sound so phony, as if she had a broken leg. My wife will NOT get well, soon or ever, for that matter, and everybody knows it, including her. I haven't said anything about this because I know these people mean well, but it makes me want to scream every time I hear it. These friends are important to us, and I don't want to offend them by telling them to stop saying that, so I'm hoping if you print my letter, it will help. - Granada Hills, Calif

Yesterday's Response:

Dear Granada Hills,
Here's your letter, but it won't help. People are going to continue to say, "Get well soon," no matter what you say, even though they, too, know your wife is terminal. Play the game. The phrase is intended to be comforting.

Today's Response:

Dear Granada Hills,
I think "Get well soon" is a programmed response to any sickness, in the same way that "How are you?" is an automatic greeting. Were I the patient, I might laugh and say, "Well, that's not going to happen, but I appreciate your hopeful wish." People are uncomfortable with illness, so you can imagine what knowledge of a terminal illness is like. I doubt you will change friends' almost automatic response, so take the underlying desire to be positive as a kind of denial. People can be odd about illness. For example, a good girlfriend of mine said close friends would not come into her house when her husband was dying of brain cancer. Go figure.
- Margo