Dear Ann Landers, I recently read the letter from the daughter whose mother was lonely, bitter and dependent on her for a social life. You said Mom needed some extracurricular activities. May I make a few suggestions?
I am a 79-year-old widow with the physical disabilities that often come with age. A year ago, my children gave me an old computer. It wasn't too hard to learn, though I confess it was frustrating at first. Every Sunday evening, our family gets together in a chat room so I can talk to my children, their spouses and my grandchildren, no matter where we are. I've learned to surf the 'Net and can send electronic musical greeting cards to nieces and nephews. They also send me interesting and funny things to let me know they are thinking of me. I am having so much fun, there is no time to be lonely.
If that mother doesn't want a computer, she may be interested in tracing her family genealogy and collecting family photographs. Last Christmas, I sent my children an album of their childhood pictures, awards and report cards. They said it was their favorite gift.
Being alone can be depressing, if you let it. I keep my aches and pains to myself and never criticize. I just listen, smile and pray a lot. -- Cyber Grandma
Dear Cyber Gram, You sound like my kind of woman: No leaning on others to entertain you; you entertain yourself. Your closing mantra is a pearl of wisdom. Four cheers, lady!
Dear Ann Landers, Not long ago, I read several letters in your column about the danger of fires caused by lint buildup in clothes-dryer vent pipes. Since my wife religiously cleans the lint filter every time she uses the clothes dryer, I never considered that we would have a problem. After reading those columns, I tried to assure myself that everything was OK, but I was still uncomfortable and decided to disconnect the dryer and check it out, just to be safe.
Well, I was shocked beyond all reason when I removed the first section of the exhaust pipe. It was almost 100 percent full of solid lint buildup. I have no idea how any air could have passed through that clogged pipe. I ended up taking everything apart, including the motor fan, which was packed with lint, as well. I thank God your article appeared when it did, Ann, because we were sitting on top of a disaster ready to ignite and didn't know it. -- L.H., Grand Rapids, Mich.
Dear Grand Rapids, Your letter was one of at least 50 that expressed gratitude for those columns. All who wrote said they had found an extraordinary amount of lint buildup in the dryer vent pipes and vowed they would never let it happen again.
I hope those who missed those columns will pay special attention to this one. It could prevent a disaster.
Dear Ann Landers, My stepson, "Roy," was recently sentenced to 15 years in prison for selling drugs. He has been in and out of trouble for his entire life, and I cannot say one good word about him. The last time Roy was out of jail, he got a young girl pregnant, and she had a baby boy. When the federal agents raided their home, the baby was given to Roy's mother and stepfather to raise. That child is now 4 years old.
Here's the problem: Roy's mother has been taking the boy to see his father in prison. Now, Roy wants my husband to bring the child with him when he visits, and my husband has agreed.
I don't think it's appropriate for the boy to see his father locked up. Everybody whitewashes the situation and tries to make it seem like Roy is away at college. They tell the kid how nice the place is, how good the food is and how well the guards treat the prisoners. By the time the child is 10 years old, he will think jail is a pretty nice place to be. I am really bothered by this.
I cannot do anything about Roy's mother, but I am shocked that my husband is willing to take the boy on these trips. I am afraid this child will never have a chance in life unless he can distance himself from his jailbird father. It's not as if Roy has turned over a new leaf. The last time my husband went to see him, Roy threatened to kill his stepfather. I have no doubt that he would do it.
What do you say, Ann? Will these visits harm the boy? This is very troubling and is starting to cause a problem between my husband and me. Please advise. -- Darkness in Delaware
Dear Delaware, How sad that the 4-year-old's first memory of his dad will be associated with prison. Now that the child has seen his father there, I see no point in stopping the jail-house visits, but do ask your husband to consider making his trips with the boy less frequent.
That child should be seen on a regular basis by a competent therapist. He must not be allowed to grow up thinking jail is a "normal" or "good" place to be. He must understand that it is a place people are sent when they break the law. Please, for the child's sake, talk to your husband, and try to get the boy into counseling at once. He needs help.
Dear Ann Landers, You told "Spokane" her dad "may be a few bricks short of a load" because he finally confided to her that he was not her biological father. Then, you printed a story from "Bob on the Internet" about the husband who finds out by looking in the marital collection box that his wife has been passing out favors to big spenders during the 50 years they have been married. These two stories are intimately related, and I didn't think either one was very funny.
I'm 60 and have been married to the same woman for more than 40 years. Our two children are in their 30s now. Both are "mine," but one is and one isn't, if you get my drift. I love them both equally, but like "Spokane's" father, I have been deeply hurt. The snake who fathered the second child was supposed to be a good friend of mine. I had no idea of the betrayal until the child matured, and then, her resemblance to the real father was unmistakable. The matter is not discussed, even though I'm sure many people know the truth. What hurts is that no one has ever confessed or apologized.
I have been completely faithful to this woman my entire life, even though I knew she dallied with others in addition to the snake many years ago. Things are OK between us, but someday, I hope she'll say she's sorry. -- Betrayed in Texas
Dear Texas, You have been married 40 years, and now, you are bothered by what you perceive to be your wife's unfaithfulness throughout your marriage? You say you want a confession and an apology.
If the situation is as you described it, why did you wait until now to seek some sort of closure? Your letter raises too many questions for me to be able to help you. I hope you will talk this over with a professional counselor, and the sooner the better. Please ask your physician to recommend someone. You need help.
Dear Ann Landers, You recently printed a column that listed tips to help people give up cigarettes. The tips came from the St. Helena Health Center in Deer Park, Calif.
I want you to know I did almost everything on the list and have finally given up smoking. The reason I wanted to quit was because of my health. I have diabetes, and both of my grandparents died of lung cancer. Since I quit, I can breathe better, and my diabetes is now under control. Thanks for providing some encouragement for those of us who needed it. -- Kimberly in Virginia
Dear Kimberly, Many readers appreciated the encouragement and wrote to say so. Here's more on the subject of smoking:
From Philadelphia: The column with tips for giving up cigarettes was good but not strong enough. Robin Stoloff, a local South Jersey health reporter, said recently, "Cigarette smoking is responsible for 419,000 deaths per year in the United States. It causes cancer, heart disease, emphysema, bronchitis, poor circulation, fatigue, smoker's cough, and smelly hair, breath and clothes. It produces wrinkles and stained yellow teeth and fingers, and reduces your sense of smell and taste. And you don't get all this for free. It actually costs you money; a pack-a-day habit is more than $800 per year, two to three packs per day can run into the thousands."
Chicago: After two packs a day for 20 years, I decided to quit. I kept my resolution to myself so my friends wouldn't be asking me about it all the time. Every time I lit a cigarette, I would put it down and turn on the water, wash, cook, whatever. I soon realized I didn't crave the smoking -- only the habit of lighting up. I put the saved money (70 cents a day) in the bank. I bought a new desk for my son's school. I bought a ticket to a ceremony honoring my anti-smoking uncle when he was named Man of the Year. During a recent rainstorm, I remembered the times I used to go out in bad weather for a cigarette. Not smoking can be the greatest freedom you will ever know.
Lauderdale by the Sea, Fla.: I quit smoking years ago. I substituted thin-stick pretzels for cigarettes. It worked like a charm, and it feels simply wonderful to be free of that curse.
Chula Vista, Calif.: Let me tell you my story about smoking. I was 62 years old and had smoked two packs a day for 40 years. I tried to quit over and over, but I failed every time. Then, I had to go to the hospital for major surgery. When I was recuperating in the intensive-care unit, a doctor stood at the end of my bed and said, "This is Mrs. Blank, the EX-smoker." I have not touched a cigarette since, and it's been 18 years. Tell the surgeons in your reading audience to take heed and give their patients this post-operative suggestion, which could be their greatest gift.
Coos Bay, Ore.: Twenty years ago, my wife and I visited our son in Utah. My wife was a heavy smoker. Our son told her, "You have always said, 'My house, my rules.' Well, you are now in MY house, and the rule is no smoking, no way, no how. If you need to smoke, you can use this empty can as an ashtray and go outside on the balcony." My wife went out on the cold, snowy balcony but returned shortly in a semi-frozen state and didn't smoke the rest of the evening. Two weeks later, we visited our other son in Nevada, and my wife got the same treatment. She ended up on their front porch with an empty soup can. She was extremely angry with both of our sons, but their toughness started her on the road to quitting. Today, she knows they did her a huge favor. She has lived smoke-free for the past 18 years.
