Dear Ann Landers, Last New Year's Eve, my 15-year-old daughter had a party for her friends, under my supervision, of course. At midnight, while I was busy passing out soft drinks and food, I turned around to see "John," my 40-year-old boyfriend, kissing one of my daughter's 16-year-old friends. This was no ordinary peck on the cheek. The kiss was on the lips, and John's hands were planted firmly on her behind. The girl's arms were wrapped around his neck.
When I confronted Mr. Hot Stuff later that night, he said he'd had too much to drink and didn't know what he was doing. John has apologized at least five times, but I can't seem to get that steamy scene out of my mind. He is a caring, wonderful man with a heart of gold, and we get along very well. As far as I know, he has been 100 percent faithful. Until this happened, I was sure he was Mr. Right.
Should I forgive him for this one lapse, or is it a red flag that signifies a major character flaw? I need your advice. -- Unsure in Columbia, Ohio
Dear Columbia, I opt for the one-lapse explanation this time. Accept it. Alcohol can do strange things. Consider this a dead issue, and suggest that John stick to cola on future occasions.
Dear Ann Landers, I read the letter from "Slow Boil in California," who resented the amount of time her husband gave his ex-wife. He apparently helped his ex-wife with her taxes, visited his ex-mother-in-law when she was dying and spent 20 minutes at a time talking to his ex on the phone, discussing the kids' grades and upcoming events.
I say, if "Slow Boil" wanted a man with no baggage, she should have chosen one. When two people have children together, that makes them a family whether they are together or not. That husband should help his ex-wife no matter how he feels about her, simply because she is the mother of his children. His new wife should not feel threatened by this. It can actually be beneficial to her as well as to his children if there is no hostility.
After a divorce, a lot of healing can take place when the ex-partners are civil and kind to one another. If there is no civility, bad feelings turn into bad words that turn into bad behavior. The children then learn by example to perpetuate hate and anger.
As a child of divorce, it has given my siblings and me great comfort to know my father still cares enough about my mother to help her out when she needs it and that we can still enjoy family events together. It has also made us appreciate our stepmother for being so generous and loving. "Slow Boil" should be thankful she found a man with a bigger heart than most. -- Grateful in Plano, Texas
Dear Grateful, You've written a letter that is compassionate and sensible. Because you wrote, a great many divorced readers may take a closer look at their feelings about their ex-husband or ex-wife and be less rigid and a lot more conciliatory.
Dear Ann Landers, I am a 26-year-old woman with a problem. When I was in high school, I cheated on my steady boyfriend with an older man. I discovered I was pregnant and was sure the older man was the father of the baby. Last December, after eight years of paying child support, the man requested a DNA test to determine paternity. I was stunned when it turned out that my daughter isn't his after all.
Here's the real problem. When I found out I was pregnant, my boyfriend asked if the baby was his, and I assured him it was not. That boyfriend is now happily married and has children. I have been married to a wonderful man for almost six years, and he wants to adopt my daughter.
Should I try to contact my old boyfriend and disrupt his life by telling him he has a daughter? Part of me feels he is entitled to know, but another part worries that I would only mess up more lives. Please tell me what to do. -- Kitty in K.C.
Dear Kitty in K.C., I'm with the part of you that says leave it alone. If any of my readers think otherwise, I would like to hear their reasoning.
Dear Ann Landers, My 32-year-old daughter is getting married for the second time. My daughter and I have a good relationship, but my ex-wife and I barely speak. She and my daughter made all the wedding preparations and paid for the whole thing without any assistance from me. I received a wedding invitation, but it excluded my fiancee, "Greta."
Greta and I have been together for the past six years. During this time, my daughter has visited us often and always seemed comfortable with the relationship. Greta is very hurt and angry that she was not invited to the wedding. She asked me to speak to my daughter about the "oversight" and said that if no invitation was forthcoming, I should not go to the wedding, either.
I spoke to my daughter, who told me it was the expressed desire of her mother, my ex-wife, not to invite Greta. My daughter receives a lot of financial help from her mother and is obviously reluctant to go against her mother's wishes.
What should I do? If I attend the wedding alone, Greta will think I let her down. If I don't go at all, my daughter will assume I favor my fiancee over her and will be crushed. Any suggestions would be appreciated. -- Dad in Bonita, Calif.
Dear Dad, Greta should have been invited to the wedding because she has been your significant other for six years. She was not invited, however, which means she is not welcome. It would be classy of Greta to say, "Go -- have a good time, and bring me a piece of wedding cake." If she does not choose to be gracious, go anyway.
This is your daughter's day, and her wish to have you there takes precedence.
Dear Ann Landers, My husband's mother passed away four years ago. His father remarried not long after, but my husband hasn't taken to his stepmother very well. He never speaks to her unless he absolutely has to.
Although there never has been an argument or a fight between them, the tension is obvious, and it is uncomfortable for everyone.
About two months ago, I had a long talk with my father-in-law and let him know that his son wanted a closer relationship. The minute I opened my mouth, his wife jumped in, made all kinds of accusations and stormed out. I admit I might not have been very diplomatic in my approach, but I figured it was best to be honest and lay my cards on the table. Apparently, that was the wrong thing to do.
I have apologized to his wife for being so frank, but I cannot change the way I feel. Now, the woman avoids us completely, and I think she is persuading my father-in-law to do the same. I am afraid I have made things worse, and now, I want to make the situation better. Any ideas? -- Lost in Louisiana
Dear Louisiana, It is said that distance lends enchantment, and in this case, I recommend it -- for a while, at least. Maintain contact, but don't rehash the argument. Let the situation cool down. Don't try to butter up the woman or be obsequious. Just be pleasant. Ignore the past, and let time do its work.
Lonesome? Take charge of your life and turn it around.
