Dear Ann Landers, Here are my spouse's excuses for avoiding sex:
I'm tired.
I'm too nervous.
It's hot.
It's cold.
I'm too full.
I have a headache.
I have a stomachache.
The kids might hear.
I have to go to work.
My mind is on other things.
It's too early in the morning.
It's too late at night.
I'll bet you think this letter is from a husband complaining about his wife.
You're wrong. It's from a wife complaining about her husband. He is 50 years old,
and I am 40. We are both too young to be giving up sex. If you have any
suggestions on how to improve this not-so-hot relationship, I'd like to hear them. -
- Failing in Fresno, Calif.
Dear Fresno, The best way to improve a "not-so-hot" relationship is to
heat it up. Be subtle but persistent. It sounds as if your husband is unsure of his
ability to perform sexually. He needs reassurance, praise and the knowledge that
you really do care about him. Start talking.
Dear Ann Landers, We read your column about "Dudley," the young man who became violent when he slept and hit his girlfriend. She was concerned that he harbored some kind of secret hostility toward her. You said as long as Dudley didn't hit her while he was awake, he meant no harm.
Dudley may have a sleep disorder known as REM Sleep Behavior Disorder (RSBD). Normally during dream sleep, we are unable to move the muscles of the arms and legs. With RSBD, the inhibition of muscle movement is impaired, and the person may actually act out parts of his or her dreams, unaware of the behavior until some injury occurs.
The good news is that sleep disorders such as RSBD can be diagnosed and treated successfully. People who suffer from insomnia, excessive daytime sleepiness or frequent leg movements before and during sleep, or who fall asleep at work, at the movies or when driving, should not hesitate to speak to their primary-care doctors about these sleep and alertness problems.
For the names and addresses of accredited sleep centers, your readers can send a large, stamped, self-addressed envelope to the American Sleep Disorders Association, 6301 Bandel Rd., Suite 101, Rochester, Minn. 55901 (www.asda.org). -- Lauren Broch, Ph.D., director of education and training, and Margaret Moline, M.D., director, New York Presbyterian Hospital's Sleep-Wake Disorders Center
Dear Dr. Broch and Dr. Moline, Thank you for providing an authoritative explanation for Dudley's behavior. You have made it quite clear that his sleep problems are not connected to his feelings for his girlfriend -- which will no doubt come as a great relief to her. Let's hope Dudley gets the help he needs so she can get a good night's sleep.
Gem of the Day: To fail to forgive is to destroy the bridge over which one
day you may want to travel.
Dear Ann Landers, I am 34 years old and about to have my first baby.
My husband and I are thrilled beyond words.
So what's the problem? When I told my dad that he is about to become a grandfather, he said, "Not really. I am not your father." I was devastated when he told me that and immediately confronted my mother. She said, "Your dad doesn't know what he is talking about." My father says, "Your mother knows the truth and is lying through her teeth."
I don't know what to make of this. Should I have a paternity test done to settle this once and for all, or should I just drop it? Why would my father tell me such a thing after all these years? I am in a state of shock. Please help me figure this out. -- Totally Baffled in Spokane, Wash.
Dear Spokane, In order to prove paternity through a DNA test, you and your father would have to be tested. I doubt that your father would be willing to do this.
Your mother appears to be much more stable. Take her word for it. For your father to tell you at this stage of your life that he is not your real dad suggests that he may be a few bricks short of a load. Let's hope that when the baby comes, he will be so thrilled that he will forget about this nonsense.
Dear Ann Landers, I belong to an informal dinner club that meets once a month for dinner in one of our homes. One of the women has appointed herself "social director" and is making our lives miserable.
"Irene" phones everyone to remind them of the upcoming dinner plans, which is fine. The problem is that she always tells the hostess what to serve. She does not have food allergies or any medical problems; she just likes certain things. Irene eats enough for two people, so making an extra dish for her is a major annoyance.
The rest of us in the group do not want to disband, and Irene would be terribly hurt if we excluded her. Any suggestions? -- Too Much Cooking in Alabama
Dear T.M.C., Since the major problem seems to be that Irene is too managerial, simply ignore her suggestions about what to serve. You do not owe her special privileges, or quadruple helpings. Treat her cordially, and make sure all the members have their first helping before Irene has her second -- and third.
Dear Ann Landers, Please help me figure this out. I am seven months pregnant, and my husband still hasn't told his mother. She lives in another city. We already have one child, so it's not as if she doesn't know we are sleeping together.
My husband obviously doesn't have a close relationship with his mother, but this example of poor communication makes me uncomfortable. I wanted to tell her, but he said he wanted to do it himself. Meanwhile, he keeps putting it off. My mother-in-law phoned the other day, and I didn't know what to say when she asked, "How are you doing?"
Should I tell her I'm pregnant or just wait until the baby is born? I'm pretty sure my husband won't have any trouble telling her then. -- Infanticipating in Berkeley, Calif.
Dear Berkeley, Tell her yourself, and the sooner the better. Apparently, your husband has some kind of hang-up about his mother. So, my dear, out with it.
