Dear Ann Landers, My mother left us when I was 6 and my brother was 10. That was 25 years ago. Even though Mom showed up for holidays and birthdays, we were raised solely by my father.
When Dad passed away three years ago, Mom had a nervous breakdown and started to drink excessively. We know she is manic-depressive, and now we believe she is also an alcoholic. She has battled depression her entire life. The problem is that Mom lives alone, but she quit her job six months ago, and we have no idea how she is supporting herself. When we ask about her financial situation, she refuses to talk about it. If we offer money, she won't take it.
My brother and I suspect there isn't much money left from Mom's savings, and we worry what will happen once that money is gone. My husband and I invited Mom to live with us, but we told her she would have to stop smoking and drinking and take her medication regularly. She refused.
I do not have a close, loving relationship with my mother, but I still feel responsible for her and want to help. She started going to AA meetings again, and we are hopeful this will work, but it's hard to trust her. She has tried AA before and could never stick with the program. Should I allow her to move into my home, even though she still smokes and may not be able to stay off the booze? I am confused and lost. Please tell me what to do. -- Bowie, Md.
Dear Bowie, If you allow your mother to move into your home, the results could be disastrous, but please give her one last chance. I strongly recommend that you check out Al-Anon (it's in your phone book), and learn how others with similar problems are dealing with theirs. The fact that your mother is seeking help bodes well for her recovery. I wish her luck, and you, too, dear.
Dear Ann Landers, The recent letters you printed concerning parents whose underage children are drinking raises a critical point that cannot be overstated: Parental involvement is crucial to raising drug-free and alcohol-free kids.
The most recent national survey for the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University found that teens who drink, smoke or use pot are less likely to tell their parents where they are on weekends, less likely to have a parent at home after school and less likely to rely on parents' opinions when they make important decisions. They are also less likely to attend religious services regularly.
Nearly half of 13-year-olds say their parents have never discussed the dangers of illegal drugs with them. The survey also found that teens who have tried marijuana say their friends had the most influence over their decision. Teens who have chosen not to smoke pot say their parents influenced them most. The bottom line? Parents have more clout than they think. They should use it. -- Joseph A. Califano Jr., chairman and president, the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University
Dear Joseph Califano, Your letter places the responsibility right where it belongs: on the parents. They need to know where their kids are at all times, who they are with and what they are doing. And it doesn't hurt to set a good example. Parents who smoke, drink excessively and use bad language should not be surprised when their children do the same. As the twig is bent, so grows the tree.
Dear Ann Landers, Please tell me if I'm wrong. My wife's parents called last week and asked if they could stay in our extra bedroom for the night. They live in the suburbs. We get along well, so naturally, I said yes. My wife and I had been planning an evening out, and my in-laws offered to watch our daughter so we wouldn't have to hire a sitter. It seemed like a very convenient arrangement.
Here's the problem. My in-laws smoke. They know we do not tolerate smoking in our home, especially now that we have a young child. When my wife and I returned from our evening out, it was obvious that my in-laws had been puffing up a storm. Also, there were ashes on the sofa where they had been sitting.
I was furious. When we asked them about it, they became angry and started yelling that our rules were ridiculous, and that they should be allowed to smoke in our home if they want to. Then, they left in a snit and have threatened to cut all ties with us.
My wife and I are not anti-smoking crusaders, Ann. We don't mind if friends or family members smoke, but we don't want them doing it in our house. I don't believe we are unreasonable, but apparently, they do. My wife loves her parents, and other than this issue, we get along just fine. I certainly don't want our daughter to grow up without her grandparents, but I am concerned about my child's health and do not want her around all that secondhand smoke. How can we repair this rupture and have a good relationship again without caving in on the smoking issue? -- The Son-in-Law
Dear S.I.L., You have every right to tell your in-laws they cannot smoke in your home, and they should respect your wishes. To maintain cordial relations, I suggest you offer to take them out for dinner at an upscale restaurant, and try to find one that allows smoking. (Many don't.) That should do it.
Dear Ann Landers, I have been reading your column for a long time, hoping someone would write in about my problem, but it hasn't happened, so here I am.
My husband is 52 years old. We have been married for 15 years. Although I was a willing and responsive partner, I realized early on he wasn't particularly interested in sex after the newness wore off. He said he would rather make the moves -- then didn't. Then I had to be the aggressor, or absolutely nothing would happen.
A bigger problem, however, is his thumb sucking. It started about a year ago. When I enter the room, he will jerk his thumb out of his mouth. He does this while watching TV or after dinner when he reads the paper. I'm concerned because it seems to be getting worse with time.
I find this very distressing, but there are many positives to our relationship. He is a hard worker and a wonderful grandfather, and he acts as if he loves me dearly. I am too tired for a major life change and too humiliated to discuss this with anyone but you. Please respond in print. -- No Name, No City
Dear N.N.N.C., Your husband's thumb sucking may be a major turnoff, but it is not grounds for divorce. Actually, it is a release from stress. The thumb sucking helps him revisit his early years, when life was peaceful and uncomplicated. Some men drink when life gets stressful. Others cheat. I hope he will consider counseling because this man needs help.
Dear Ann Landers, Nearly 14 million people in the United States -- one in every 13 adults -- abuse alcohol or are alcoholic. In addition, there are countless more who binge drink or who may be on the verge of developing a serious problem.
The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism and the National Mental Illness Screening Project are offering the first-ever National Alcohol Screening Day on Thursday, April 8. There will be 2,000 screening sites across the country, 500 of them on colleges campuses, offering free, anonymous screening sessions for a range of alcohol problems.
This is an opportunity for anyone concerned about themselves or a loved one to seek education and advice in a non-threatening environment. The program can benefit college students who wonder how many drinks are considered a "binge." It can help if your spouse drinks too much or you have an alcoholic family member and are concerned about the risk of inheriting the illness. The screening can steer you in the right direction if you notice that drinking is interrupting your productivity at work or school.
At the screening, participants will hear an educational presentation on alcohol problems and complete a written self-assessment survey. They will have the opportunity to talk one on one with a health professional and will be given the names and phone numbers of support services and treatment facilities in the area. All screenings are free and anonymous.
Ann, please urge your readers to take advantage of this unique program. They can find a site in their area by calling 1-800-697-6700 today. No shame, no guilt, just honest questions, honest answers and a helping hand. -- Enoch Gordis, M.D., director, NIAAA, part of the National Institutes of Health
Dear Dr. Gordis, Thank you for giving me the opportunity to tell my readers about National Alcohol Screening Day, Thursday, April 8.
Readers, especially college students, if you have any questions regarding alcohol, or if you know someone who could benefit from this anonymous screening, please call 1-800-697-6700 today to find a site in your area. It could save your life or the life of someone you love.
