Dear Ann Landers, When I married "Glenn" eight years ago, I knew his parents were divorced, but I didn't realize they both had been married and divorced four times.
Last year, Glenn and I were having a difficult period in our relationship. I decided to talk to his parents about it, hoping they could provide some help and insight. Instead, I was shocked by their attitude.
When I told my mother-in-law that Glenn, age 36, had declared bankruptcy for the second time, she said the banks were at fault for giving him money and charging such high interest rates. When I told her he has a gambling problem, she said there was nothing wrong with gambling, that a lot of people make a living playing poker, and that somebody has to win and it could be him. When I explained that he always spends more than he makes, she said, "So what? A lot of people have that problem."
My father-in-law compared Glenn's gambling addiction to investing money in the stock market, saying, "Glenn just takes different risks." Both in-laws told me there are plenty of women who would be willing to overlook his addiction. They also let me know they will be leaving him their entire estate (over a half-million dollars) when they die, so we won't have to worry about money. Frankly, at the rate Glenn gambles, a half-million dollars wouldn't last very long.
I was appalled at my in-laws' lack of any moral conviction. They never spoke about honesty, personal integrity or the danger of a gambling addiction. I came from a foreign country and was raised by parents who believed it was important to behave honorably and that the family name should never be tarnished. How do I handle this? -- Arlington, Va.
Dear Arlington, It is apparent that Glenn was not raised the way you were. You say you were having a difficult time with your relationship last year. It sounds as if you were willing to sweep a lot under the rug in order to stay with Glenn. You don't say whether or not you have children. That would be important for me to know in order to give you some solid advice.
You need to have some sessions with a marriage counselor. It sounds as if your relationship is on shaky ground. I urge you to ask Glenn to go with you. The man was raised by parents who made excuses for all his failures and weaknesses. He is in desperate need of some self-understanding. A competent marriage counselor could be a godsend to you both.
Dear Ann Landers, I have been reading your column for a long time, hoping someone would write in about my problem, but it hasn't happened, so here I am.
My husband is 52 years old. We have been married for 15 years. Although I was a willing and responsive partner, I realized early on he wasn't particularly interested in sex after the newness wore off. He said he would rather make the moves -- then didn't. Then I had to be the aggressor, or absolutely nothing would happen.
A bigger problem, however, is his thumb sucking. It started about a year ago. When I enter the room, he will jerk his thumb out of his mouth. He does this while watching TV or after dinner when he reads the paper. I'm concerned because it seems to be getting worse with time.
I find this very distressing, but there are many positives to our relationship. He is a hard worker and a wonderful grandfather, and he acts as if he loves me dearly. I am too tired for a major life change and too humiliated to discuss this with anyone but you. Please respond in print. -- No Name, No City
Dear N.N.N.C., Your husband's thumb sucking may be a major turnoff, but it is not grounds for divorce. Actually, it is a release from stress. The thumb sucking helps him revisit his early years, when life was peaceful and uncomplicated. Some men drink when life gets stressful. Others cheat. I hope he will consider counseling because this man needs help.
Dear Ann Landers, Here's another story about stupid criminals. This happened to my husband, "Jim," a truck driver.
Jim was on the road one day when two police cars pulled him over. The car right behind him also pulled over. The officers said that the car behind him had called in a report that Jim was weaving all over the road. They gave him a breathalyzer test and found he was perfectly sober.
Jim suggested they give the driver behind him the same test. They did and discovered he was intoxicated -- twice the legal limit. In fact, he was so drunk, he didn't realize it was he who was weaving all over the road. He actually reported himself! Wouldn't it be nice if more drunk drivers reported themselves? -- His Wife
Dear Wife, It would indeed, but don't hold your breath waiting. I've never heard of this before and don't expect to hear of it again.
Dear Ann Landers, What can I do, short of outright rudeness, to convince an in-law that I do not want her discarded clothes? I don't want her new clothes, either, because her taste is so different from mine. Unfortunately, nothing I say seems to make any difference.
My daughters feel the same way about this woman's clothes. We are all short, small-boned, short-waisted ash blondes. Our "benefactress" is a tall, slim brunette who looks terrific in colors none of us can wear. She is also a shopaholic with an eye for what looks best on her and has plenty of money to spend. Even when she buys something new for one of us, it is in her style, not ours, the color looks hideous and the shape is all wrong. We end up wasting a lot of time returning things.
I have tried to tell this relative tactfully that I don't want any more of her clothes, but she continues to bring over dresses, coats, blouses and so on. Some people would say this isn't anything I should complain about, but it's beginning to irritate me, and I'd appreciate your help. -- Perplexed in N.C.
Dear N.C., You have told "Miss Bountiful Gift Giver" already that you don't want any more of her clothes. If she persists in bringing them over, simply say, "These lovely things are going to Goodwill and a few other charities that I am interested in. I am sure they will be appreciated." That ought to do it.
Dear Ann Landers, My mother left us when I was 6 and my brother was 10. That was 25 years ago. Even though Mom showed up for holidays and birthdays, we were raised solely by my father.
When Dad passed away three years ago, Mom had a nervous breakdown and started to drink excessively. We know she is manic-depressive, and now we believe she is also an alcoholic. She has battled depression her entire life. The problem is that Mom lives alone, but she quit her job six months ago, and we have no idea how she is supporting herself. When we ask about her financial situation, she refuses to talk about it. If we offer money, she won't take it.
My brother and I suspect there isn't much money left from Mom's savings, and we worry what will happen once that money is gone. My husband and I invited Mom to live with us, but we told her she would have to stop smoking and drinking and take her medication regularly. She refused.
I do not have a close, loving relationship with my mother, but I still feel responsible for her and want to help. She started going to AA meetings again, and we are hopeful this will work, but it's hard to trust her. She has tried AA before and could never stick with the program. Should I allow her to move into my home, even though she still smokes and may not be able to stay off the booze? I am confused and lost. Please tell me what to do. -- Bowie, Md.
Dear Bowie, If you allow your mother to move into your home, the results could be disastrous, but please give her one last chance. I strongly recommend that you check out Al-Anon (it's in your phone book), and learn how others with similar problems are dealing with theirs. The fact that your mother is seeking help bodes well for her recovery. I wish her luck, and you, too, dear.
