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I have a wife and two sons, ages 15 and 12.

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From Ann's Archives: 1955 to 2002
Dear Ann Landers,
I have a wife and two sons, ages 15 and 12. I love them dearly, but they are so scatterbrained, they drive me nuts. They constantly are losing keys, glasses, hairbrushes and wallets. They put empty peanut butter jars back in the cabinet and containers in the fridge without the tops screwed on. I once found my wife's purse in the freezer. I am one of those people who likes everything in its place. I have started hiding items from my family so I can find them when needed. I used to lend my wife and kids the scissors or Scotch tape, but I would never see those things again. Now, I refuse to let my family use any of my belongings. I'm sure I drive them as crazy as they drive me, but the truth is, they are the ones who need to change. I have pleaded with them to recognize how frustrating their forgetfulness is to me, but they simply laugh and ask, "Where's the TV remote?" (We have at least three, none of which they can locate.) Do you have a solution to this problem? -- Left-Brained in South Carolina

Dear Left-Brained,
 I can tell you they will never change, so stop eating yourself up over their "forgetfulness." It must be difficult for a neatnik such as you to live with slobs, but accept with grace that which you cannot change. It's a no-hoper.
Read More In:   manners • children • relationships
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Comments

  Totsybug's Comment
Continue to hide whatever you need/use on a regular basis so those items will be there when you need them. Let your wife and kids fend for themselves. Don't even think about loaning your items to them to use unless you want them to be lost/misplaced.

  Ky's Comment
Perhaps I'm being harsh, but loving them 'dearly,' is not the same as loving them unconditionally. I would suggest that, if you're starting to divide everything in the house into yours and theirs, and 'lending' them your stuff, you might feel better with a little counseling to explore why you feel more worried about where the remote is than being grateful for a healthy, relaxed family. When I was growing up, everything in the house was 'ours.'

  Chicken Lady 's Comment
I used to find my husbands husband's tools all over the place, even up and down the road into town! Then he'd buy new tools to replace the ones 'somebody' stole, plus other ones that caught his eye. I just got a bucket and painted on it 'the stuff you lost'. Then I made a point of placing it on his work bench and everytime he was in there I'd put the wrenches,keys, sunglasses,pruners or whatever I'd found in his bucket. Pretty soon he got the message and became more careful.

  Kimberly Falkenstine's Comment
I want to share this great testimony to the world on how Dr Aliaro cure me from HSV1

  ben there's Comment
For 'Ladybug in South Carolina' - Buy a roll of very wide tape from the craft aisle (I use bright red, with a polka-dot pattern) and tape the backs of your family's TV remotes, cell-phones, and wallets. This has helped us not lose things. And while you're at it, label your key ring, and tape the back of your phone, with a message reading 'Finder, please call (my spouse's number)'.

  ben there's Comment
for 'Left-brained in South Carolina' Buy a roll of extra-wide tape at the craft aisle (I use bright red, with polka dots) and tape the backs your family's cell phones, TV remotes, and both sides of your wallets. This has helped my family not misplace items. And while you're at it, I suggest tagging your key-rings, and taping the backs of your cell phones, with the message 'Finder, please call (my spouse's number).' Problem solved.

  Reader Comment
I don't agree with Ann landers reply to 'Left-Brained'. He's not a 'neatnick'. His family are inconsiderate slobs and I don't blame him for not wanting to let them take whatever they want and not return it to where is should be. That is so lazy on their part and they should be made aware that they will not be able to have access to the item again if it's not returned to where it should be. His wife's purse in the freezer? I hope he left it there so she would need to search the house for it when she needed it. What bunch of dingbats.

  streips's Comment
My mother always said where was the last place you saw it?

  Reader Comment
Dear 'Left-brained': Have your scatter-brained wife and sons MARK all their valuables with BRIGHT TAPE. I cover my entire wallet, the backside of my smartphone, the TV remotes, screwdriver, and eyeglass case, with 2-inch wide RED tape, with polka dots (from Wal-Mart or craft stores).

  Juice's Comment
Left Brain, have you

  Jon's Comment
This is typical boy behavior. I cannot explain my wife let alone yours

  Oakleigh 's Comment
Oakleigh Tadgh

  Rxn's Comment
the theory of left and right brain was rejected long ago. ot is pop culture. the theory of conditional love has gone down that same trail into history. boundaries and consequences for actions are the current methods.

  Reader Comment
Hey pal, my wife and kids are the same way. They used to 'borrow' my things and then never return them or return the items damaged. Very frustrating. I now never loan any items to my family members and keep all of my important personal items locked up in my home office. If they need scissors, its on them. As far as empty food containers, just throw those out. If they need more peanut butter, they can buy it at the store. If they leave items out on the counter and it bothers you, throw those items away. They will never change, especially your spouse.

  Reader Comment
Look into ADD/ADHD. It runs in families and from what you've said, it sure sounds like a strong possibility, in which case these people cannot help being extra forgetful. The suggestion above about the brightly colored tape was a good one. Medication can help a lot, especially with organization skills. I hope you look into it. Medication has made my life a million times easier, and for my family as well.

  Moon space 's Comment
Don't take that stupid advice about throwing OTHER PEOPLE'S BELONGINGS AWAY!!! You can clear the stuff off, but trashing someone's belongings is the same as stealing. Get a box or choose a shelf or drawer to put the items in.

  Reader Comment
The ADD/ADHD advice above is a good one. If this is the case, it may be a relief for all of you to realize this is not a matter of who’s the “inconsiderate slob” or the “neatnik”: it’s a different kind of problem, and hopefully it can be addressed with less resentment. But even if that’s the case, it does not mean you must just understand and accept everything, it’s fair and important to set boundaries in any healthy relationship. It’s ok for you not to lend them your things in this scenario, it’s a boundary. No need for secrecy or guilt about it. A boundary always focuses on what you yourself will or will not do on any given situation, instead of focusing on how other people should or should not change their behavior. The latter is a sure waste of time and energy and a perfect recipe for frustration. Good luck!

  Ann's Comment
Well, dear, your own obsessive compulsive personality about putting everything away could be causing so much stress on your family that they panic. Teenagers are notorious for being forgetful, but wife may just be so stressed out by you that she can;t think straight. Calm down,

  Reader Comment
I used to help my husband clean his garage -- yes it is his because it drove me irrational that I could not find anything in there. No matter how many times I helped clean and sort it -- no matter how many organizers I bought and helped install. Now I do not go into the garage (too much clutter to park a car there) and he gets me whatever tool I ask for. No more fights over the tools and garage.

  Reader Comment
Let me guess. Your wife is gorgeous but always was a bit ditzy. That is what you get.

  Reader Comment
Another vote here for ADHD. It was a revelation when my spouse was diagnosed.
 
What do you think?
 



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I have a wife and two sons, ages 15 and 12. I love them dearly, but they are so scatterbrained, they drive me nuts. They constantly are losing keys, glasses, hairbrushes and wallets. They put empty peanut butter jars back in the cabinet and containers in the fridge without the tops screwed on. I once found my wife's purse in the freezer. I am one of those people who likes everything in its place. I have started hiding items from my family so I can find them when needed. I used to lend my wife and kids the scissors or Scotch tape, but I would never see those things again. Now, I refuse to let my family use any of my belongings. I'm sure I drive them as crazy as they drive me, but the truth is, they are the ones who need to change. I have pleaded with them to recognize how frustrating their forgetfulness is to me, but they simply laugh and ask, "Where's the TV remote?" (We have at least three, none of which they can locate.) Do you have a solution to this problem? -- Left-Brained in South Carolina
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I have a wife and two sons, ages 15 and 12. I love them dearly, but they are so scatterbrained, they drive me nuts. They constantly are losing keys, glasses, hairbrushes and wallets. They put empty peanut butter jars back in the cabinet and containers in the fridge without the tops screwed on. I once found my wife's purse in the freezer. I am one of those people who likes everything in its place. I have started hiding items from my family so I can find them when needed. I used to lend my wife and kids the scissors or Scotch tape, but I would never see those things again. Now, I refuse to let my family use any of my belongings. I'm sure I drive them as crazy as they drive me, but the truth is, they are the ones who need to change. I have pleaded with them to recognize how frustrating their forgetfulness is to me, but they simply laugh and ask, "Where's the TV remote?" (We have at least three, none of which they can locate.) Do you have a solution to this problem? -- Left-Brained in South Carolina
My in-laws have a habit of coming to our home without calling first. There have been times when my mother-in-law has called me on the phone "just to chat" and never says a word about coming over. Then, she shows up at the door 10 minutes later with a goofy grin on her face. I'm sure she enjoys these surprise attacks. My husband has asked his parents politely several times to call before coming over. One Sunday morning, they dropped by, and he refused to let them in, saying it wasn't a good time. You'd think they would get the hint. They didn't. I have come home from work on my lunch hour to find them in the house. We also have come home from work and seen evidence that they had been here. My husband gave them a key to our previous house, but when we moved, I refused to let them have a spare. However, there is a key that we keep hidden outside for emergencies, and my husband told his parents where it is. He said apologetically, "They might need to get into the house in case of an emergency." Ann, what can I do about this galling situation? I'm at the end of my rope and totally out of patience with my in-laws. Please advise. I no longer can think rationally about this problem. -- Ohio Nightmare Without End
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At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
- Ann Landers
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I have a wife and two sons, ages 15 and 12. I love them dearly, but they are so scatterbrained, they drive me nuts. They constantly are losing keys, glasses, hairbrushes and wallets. They put empty peanut butter jars back in the cabinet and containers in the fridge without the tops screwed on. I once found my wife's purse in the freezer. I am one of those people who likes everything in its place. I have started hiding items from my family so I can find them when needed. I used to lend my wife and kids the scissors or Scotch tape, but I would never see those things again. Now, I refuse to let my family use any of my belongings. I'm sure I drive them as crazy as they drive me, but the truth is, they are the ones who need to change. I have pleaded with them to recognize how frustrating their forgetfulness is to me, but they simply laugh and ask, "Where's the TV remote?" (We have at least three, none of which they can locate.) Do you have a solution to this problem? -- Left-Brained in South Carolina
READ MORE →
I have a wife and two sons, ages 15 and 12. I love them dearly, but they are so scatterbrained, they drive me nuts. They constantly are losing keys, glasses, hairbrushes and wallets. They put empty peanut butter jars back in the cabinet and containers in the fridge without the tops screwed on. I once found my wife's purse in the freezer. I am one of those people who likes everything in its place. I have started hiding items from my family so I can find them when needed. I used to lend my wife and kids the scissors or Scotch tape, but I would never see those things again. Now, I refuse to let my family use any of my belongings. I'm sure I drive them as crazy as they drive me, but the truth is, they are the ones who need to change. I have pleaded with them to recognize how frustrating their forgetfulness is to me, but they simply laugh and ask, "Where's the TV remote?" (We have at least three, none of which they can locate.) Do you have a solution to this problem? -- Left-Brained in South Carolina
My in-laws have a habit of coming to our home without calling first. There have been times when my mother-in-law has called me on the phone "just to chat" and never says a word about coming over. Then, she shows up at the door 10 minutes later with a goofy grin on her face. I'm sure she enjoys these surprise attacks. My husband has asked his parents politely several times to call before coming over. One Sunday morning, they dropped by, and he refused to let them in, saying it wasn't a good time. You'd think they would get the hint. They didn't. I have come home from work on my lunch hour to find them in the house. We also have come home from work and seen evidence that they had been here. My husband gave them a key to our previous house, but when we moved, I refused to let them have a spare. However, there is a key that we keep hidden outside for emergencies, and my husband told his parents where it is. He said apologetically, "They might need to get into the house in case of an emergency." Ann, what can I do about this galling situation? I'm at the end of my rope and totally out of patience with my in-laws. Please advise. I no longer can think rationally about this problem. -- Ohio Nightmare Without End
READ MORE →
My in-laws have a habit of coming to our home without calling first. There have been times when my mother-in-law has called me on the phone "just to chat" and never says a word about coming over. Then, she shows up at the door 10 minutes later with a goofy grin on her face. I'm sure she enjoys these surprise attacks. My husband has asked his parents politely several times to call before coming over. One Sunday morning, they dropped by, and he refused to let them in, saying it wasn't a good time. You'd think they would get the hint. They didn't. I have come home from work on my lunch hour to find them in the house. We also have come home from work and seen evidence that they had been here. My husband gave them a key to our previous house, but when we moved, I refused to let them have a spare. However, there is a key that we keep hidden outside for emergencies, and my husband told his parents where it is. He said apologetically, "They might need to get into the house in case of an emergency." Ann, what can I do about this galling situation? I'm at the end of my rope and totally out of patience with my in-laws. Please advise. I no longer can think rationally about this problem. -- Ohio Nightmare Without End
My 32-year-old daughter is getting married for the second time. My daughter and I have a good relationship, but my ex-wife and I barely speak. She and my daughter made all the wedding preparations and paid for the whole thing without any assistance from me. I received a wedding invitation, but it excluded my fiancee, "Greta." Greta and I have been together for the past six years. During this time, my daughter has visited us often and always seemed comfortable with the relationship. Greta is very hurt and angry that she was not invited to the wedding. She asked me to speak to my daughter about the "oversight" and said that if no invitation was forthcoming, I should not go to the wedding, either. I spoke to my daughter, who told me it was the expressed desire of her mother, my ex-wife, not to invite Greta. My daughter receives a lot of financial help from her mother and is obviously reluctant to go against her mother's wishes. What should I do? If I attend the wedding alone, Greta will think I let her down. If I don't go at all, my daughter will assume I favor my fiancee over her and will be crushed. Any suggestions would be appreciated. -- Dad in Bonita, Calif.
READ MORE →
My 32-year-old daughter is getting married for the second time. My daughter and I have a good relationship, but my ex-wife and I barely speak. She and my daughter made all the wedding preparations and paid for the whole thing without any assistance from me. I received a wedding invitation, but it excluded my fiancee, "Greta." Greta and I have been together for the past six years. During this time, my daughter has visited us often and always seemed comfortable with the relationship. Greta is very hurt and angry that she was not invited to the wedding. She asked me to speak to my daughter about the "oversight" and said that if no invitation was forthcoming, I should not go to the wedding, either. I spoke to my daughter, who told me it was the expressed desire of her mother, my ex-wife, not to invite Greta. My daughter receives a lot of financial help from her mother and is obviously reluctant to go against her mother's wishes. What should I do? If I attend the wedding alone, Greta will think I let her down. If I don't go at all, my daughter will assume I favor my fiancee over her and will be crushed. Any suggestions would be appreciated. -- Dad in Bonita, Calif.

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