Dear Ann Landers, This is one of my favorite columns. It reminds us that too many people don't take time to smell the roses. I am 84 and enjoying every day. -- Anonymous
Dear Anonymous, This is Ann talking. Erma was a dear friend and truly an original. The likes of her will not soon pass this way again.
If I Had My Life to Live Over
By Erma Bombeck
If I had my life to live over again, I would have waxed less and listened more.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy and complaining about the shadow over my feet, I'd have cherished every minute of it and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was to be my only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.
I would have eaten popcorn in the "good" living room and worried less about the dirt when you lit the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have burnt the pink candle that was sculptured like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have sat cross-legged on the lawn with my children and never worried about grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television -- and more while watching real life.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would have eaten less cottage cheese and more ice cream.
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the Earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for a day.
I would never have bought ANYTHING just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
When my child kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now, go get washed up for dinner."
There would have been more I love yous, more I'm sorrys, more I'm listenings, but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute of it, look at it and really see it ... try it on ... live it ... exhaust it ... and never give that minute back until there was nothing left of it.
Dear Ann Landers, I recently read the letter from the daughter whose mother was lonely, bitter and dependent on her for a social life. You said Mom needed some extracurricular activities. May I make a few suggestions?
I am a 79-year-old widow with the physical disabilities that often come with age. A year ago, my children gave me an old computer. It wasn't too hard to learn, though I confess it was frustrating at first. Every Sunday evening, our family gets together in a chat room so I can talk to my children, their spouses and my grandchildren, no matter where we are. I've learned to surf the 'Net and can send electronic musical greeting cards to nieces and nephews. They also send me interesting and funny things to let me know they are thinking of me. I am having so much fun, there is no time to be lonely.
If that mother doesn't want a computer, she may be interested in tracing her family genealogy and collecting family photographs. Last Christmas, I sent my children an album of their childhood pictures, awards and report cards. They said it was their favorite gift.
Being alone can be depressing, if you let it. I keep my aches and pains to myself and never criticize. I just listen, smile and pray a lot. -- Cyber Grandma
Dear Cyber Gram, You sound like my kind of woman: No leaning on others to entertain you; you entertain yourself. Your closing mantra is a pearl of wisdom. Four cheers, lady!
Dear Ann Landers, For 10 years, I was a stand-up comic and moderately successful. After a show, I liked to chat, but some people didn't understand the show was over, or they had a joke to tell me. If I never again hear, "Three guys are in a bar," I will die happy. I often ran for the exit the second my act was over. I hated doing that, because many people just wanted to say they enjoyed the show.
I know people are just trying to be friendly, but comics don't have the luxury of saying, "I've finished my gig," or they would appear rude and arrogant. Life on the road is very lonely, but after accepting after-show dinner invitations a few times, I realized people didn't want to have dinner with me; they just wanted more entertainment.
So, folks, we love to talk with you after the show because you are often the catalysts for spectacular stories, but please leave the jokes at home. -- Stop Me If You've Heard This One in Rochester, N.Y.
Dear N.Y., Every comic who reads this is going to bless you for what you have written. You sang their song.
Dear Ann Landers, I must respond to the letter from "Sad Sister in N.C.," whose schizophrenic brother refused to take his medication. My heart goes out to her. In your response, you said those who refuse to take medication might have to be forced to have their condition monitored by a doctor.
My son was struck with this illness at age 24. He was newly married, with his own business and a beautiful home -- and he lost it all. I was told he was an adult and I could not hospitalize him without his permission. He refused to get help because he didn't think he was sick. In desperation, I called the police and said my son had threatened me with bodily harm. They put him in a mental facility that did nothing but hold him for a few weeks and then let him go.
After four long years, I filed a conservatorship for my son and turned him over to the state so he could receive the medical attention he needed. He was put in a state facility for six months, where he was taught about schizophrenia and the need for lifelong medication. I bless the doctors and nurses at that hospital for giving me back my son.
The laws need to be changed to get these young adults the help they need. They are often not able to make this decision on their own. I hope your column will trigger a move in the right direction. -- San Marcos, Calif.
Dear San Marcos, You deserve a medal for being so persistent and putting your son on the road to recovery. That column created quite a firestorm among my readers. Here are some of the responses I received:
From Chesapeake, Ohio: I suffer from depression and went voluntarily for help when I was in my late teens. I was bullied and threatened by the very staff that was supposed to help me. Forced medication is not the answer. It will only leave victims more vulnerable, and the number of deaths attributable to overmedication will increase.
Canfield, Ohio: When I was married, my husband had me hospitalized and forced me to undergo shock treatments for alleged postpartum psychosis. As it turned out, my problem was multiple sclerosis. I have suffered brain damage as a result of the drugs I was forced to take. How many other husbands would do this to their wives if they could get away with it?
San Jose, Calif.: Schizophrenia is a man-made diagnosis, and doctors make mistakes. A lifetime of being warehoused with people you don't like (and who might be dangerous) could be a disaster. The old man you see on the street whose tongue twitches didn't get that way because he was given compassion. He probably was restrained, drugged and dehumanized by a system that was supposed to help him.
Kerrville, Texas: I work for the Assertive Community Treatment team, which assists people with severe, persistent mental illness. The majority of our clients have had multiple hospitalizations, and most of them have failed after numerous attempts to stay well.
Our team's goal is to keep these individuals in the least restrictive environment required to maintain their independence. Case managers deliver and monitor medications to assure compliance. We also provide assistance for housing and employment, as well as classes on socialization, anger, stress management and symptoms management. We have a 24-hour crisis hotline people can call when things become too stressful.
Tell your readers there are resources within each community to assist mentally ill individuals and their families. For information, readers should contact the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill, 200 N. Glebe Rd., Suite 1015, Arlington, Va. 22203. The phone number is 1-800-950-NAMI (1-800-950-6264), and the website is www.nami.org.
Dear Ann Landers, I'm writing about your response to "Perplexed Grandmother," who said she drove for hours with her "brilliant" granddaughter and there was zero communication. Not a word was spoken.
I have a brother who is also brilliant -- with a Ph.D. in applied mathematics. As a child, he solved complicated mathematical problems in his sleep, but he had zero communication skills and was considered "stuck up." As a grown man, he is still incapable of small talk, and his communication skills haven't improved. The "genius" is currently on his third wife and has very little to do with his siblings or parents. People seldom measure up to his expectations, so he writes them off.
I have a different theory on why brilliant people often have trouble establishing and maintaining relationships. Maybe their heads are so crowded with information that there is no room to think about family and friends. -- Washington, D.C.
Dear D.C., Your theory that brilliant people are incapable of forging close relationships is flawed. Normal people can have this problem, too. Keep reading for more:
From Lebanon, N.J.: Your advice to "Perplexed Grandmother," who could barely get a word out of her brilliant granddaughter on a three-hour car trip, missed the mark. My over-educated ex-husband was the same way. He has a Ph.D. in engineering from an Ivy League school and was a permanent fixture on the Dean's List. We would drive for hours, and all I would get was a grunt in response to any question or comment. Often, to get his attention, I would say, "Planet Earth calling Johnny. Come in for a landing." Tell Grandma not to be offended. Her "brilliant" granddaughter may be book smart, but she needs to brush up on her people skills if she wants to make it in this competitive world.
Bowie, Md.: I disagree with your advice to "Perplexed Grandmother," who couldn't make conversation with her granddaughter. Could it be that the young woman felt her grandmother was bombarding her non-stop with intrusive and irritating questions? I know how she feels. A dear friend of mine says I'm a clam, while I consider a conversation with her to be a cross-examination. Add to the mix her tendency to pass on bits and pieces of our conversations, and you get the picture.
St. Catharines, Ontario: I was interested in the letter about the grandmother who was critical of her granddaughter because she couldn't get a conversation going during a three-hour car ride. That problem started long ago. I know because I have the same situation with my granddaughter. I spoke to "Mary's" mother about this, and she said, "Don't feel bad. That's the way it is with all young people today." Is she right? P.S. I never baked cookies, but I did send checks -- several of them -- and I paid for her education.
Dear St. Catharines: No, she is not right. The generation gap is not as difficult to bridge today as it once was. Many "grannies" are now very much with it. The problem with some granny-teenager connections is that the closeness was not established at an early age. Too bad, but it is never too late to start, and it's up to Granny to make the move.
