Dear Ann Landers, When I married "Glenn" eight years ago, I knew his parents were divorced, but I didn't realize they both had been married and divorced four times.
Last year, Glenn and I were having a difficult period in our relationship. I decided to talk to his parents about it, hoping they could provide some help and insight. Instead, I was shocked by their attitude.
When I told my mother-in-law that Glenn, age 36, had declared bankruptcy for the second time, she said the banks were at fault for giving him money and charging such high interest rates. When I told her he has a gambling problem, she said there was nothing wrong with gambling, that a lot of people make a living playing poker, and that somebody has to win and it could be him. When I explained that he always spends more than he makes, she said, "So what? A lot of people have that problem."
My father-in-law compared Glenn's gambling addiction to investing money in the stock market, saying, "Glenn just takes different risks." Both in-laws told me there are plenty of women who would be willing to overlook his addiction. They also let me know they will be leaving him their entire estate (over a half-million dollars) when they die, so we won't have to worry about money. Frankly, at the rate Glenn gambles, a half-million dollars wouldn't last very long.
I was appalled at my in-laws' lack of any moral conviction. They never spoke about honesty, personal integrity or the danger of a gambling addiction. I came from a foreign country and was raised by parents who believed it was important to behave honorably and that the family name should never be tarnished. How do I handle this? -- Arlington, Va.
Dear Arlington, It is apparent that Glenn was not raised the way you were. You say you were having a difficult time with your relationship last year. It sounds as if you were willing to sweep a lot under the rug in order to stay with Glenn. You don't say whether or not you have children. That would be important for me to know in order to give you some solid advice.
You need to have some sessions with a marriage counselor. It sounds as if your relationship is on shaky ground. I urge you to ask Glenn to go with you. The man was raised by parents who made excuses for all his failures and weaknesses. He is in desperate need of some self-understanding. A competent marriage counselor could be a godsend to you both.
Dear Ann Landers, Nearly 14 million people in the United States -- one in every 13 adults -- abuse alcohol or are alcoholic. In addition, there are countless more who binge drink or who may be on the verge of developing a serious problem.
The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism and the National Mental Illness Screening Project are offering the first-ever National Alcohol Screening Day on Thursday, April 8. There will be 2,000 screening sites across the country, 500 of them on colleges campuses, offering free, anonymous screening sessions for a range of alcohol problems.
This is an opportunity for anyone concerned about themselves or a loved one to seek education and advice in a non-threatening environment. The program can benefit college students who wonder how many drinks are considered a "binge." It can help if your spouse drinks too much or you have an alcoholic family member and are concerned about the risk of inheriting the illness. The screening can steer you in the right direction if you notice that drinking is interrupting your productivity at work or school.
At the screening, participants will hear an educational presentation on alcohol problems and complete a written self-assessment survey. They will have the opportunity to talk one on one with a health professional and will be given the names and phone numbers of support services and treatment facilities in the area. All screenings are free and anonymous.
Ann, please urge your readers to take advantage of this unique program. They can find a site in their area by calling 1-800-697-6700 today. No shame, no guilt, just honest questions, honest answers and a helping hand. -- Enoch Gordis, M.D., director, NIAAA, part of the National Institutes of Health
Dear Dr. Gordis, Thank you for giving me the opportunity to tell my readers about National Alcohol Screening Day, Thursday, April 8.
Readers, especially college students, if you have any questions regarding alcohol, or if you know someone who could benefit from this anonymous screening, please call 1-800-697-6700 today to find a site in your area. It could save your life or the life of someone you love.
Dear Ann Landers, What can I do, short of outright rudeness, to convince an in-law that I do not want her discarded clothes? I don't want her new clothes, either, because her taste is so different from mine. Unfortunately, nothing I say seems to make any difference.
My daughters feel the same way about this woman's clothes. We are all short, small-boned, short-waisted ash blondes. Our "benefactress" is a tall, slim brunette who looks terrific in colors none of us can wear. She is also a shopaholic with an eye for what looks best on her and has plenty of money to spend. Even when she buys something new for one of us, it is in her style, not ours, the color looks hideous and the shape is all wrong. We end up wasting a lot of time returning things.
I have tried to tell this relative tactfully that I don't want any more of her clothes, but she continues to bring over dresses, coats, blouses and so on. Some people would say this isn't anything I should complain about, but it's beginning to irritate me, and I'd appreciate your help. -- Perplexed in N.C.
Dear N.C., You have told "Miss Bountiful Gift Giver" already that you don't want any more of her clothes. If she persists in bringing them over, simply say, "These lovely things are going to Goodwill and a few other charities that I am interested in. I am sure they will be appreciated." That ought to do it.
Dear Ann Landers, My ex-husband and I have two young daughters. It seems that as the girls get older, their father is less interested in having a role in their lives.
Dear Ann Landers, I have been reading your column for a long time, hoping someone would write in about my problem, but it hasn't happened, so here I am.
My husband is 52 years old. We have been married for 15 years. Although I was a willing and responsive partner, I realized early on he wasn't particularly interested in sex after the newness wore off. He said he would rather make the moves -- then didn't. Then I had to be the aggressor, or absolutely nothing would happen.
A bigger problem, however, is his thumb sucking. It started about a year ago. When I enter the room, he will jerk his thumb out of his mouth. He does this while watching TV or after dinner when he reads the paper. I'm concerned because it seems to be getting worse with time.
I find this very distressing, but there are many positives to our relationship. He is a hard worker and a wonderful grandfather, and he acts as if he loves me dearly. I am too tired for a major life change and too humiliated to discuss this with anyone but you. Please respond in print. -- No Name, No City
Dear N.N.N.C., Your husband's thumb sucking may be a major turnoff, but it is not grounds for divorce. Actually, it is a release from stress. The thumb sucking helps him revisit his early years, when life was peaceful and uncomplicated. Some men drink when life gets stressful. Others cheat. I hope he will consider counseling because this man needs help.
