AnnLanders.com, Advice by Ann Landers - []
Our Featured Column from the Archives: [Read More Featured Columns]
[Previous] [Next]
Section: Mental-health, sexuality, relationships, depression, gender
 
 

Dear Ann Landers,
My husband has been clinically depressed for most of his adult life. A while back, "Herman" began seeing a female therapist who focused on my husband's early years to see whether something in his childhood might be the cause of his depression. His therapist discovered that during adolescence, Herman had been a cross-dresser. He apparently had worn women's clothing in his early teens but repressed it as an adult. Now Herman wants my permission to express this part of his personality around the house. He says he would not go out in public. This disgusts me, Ann. The thought of my husband in makeup, wig and high heels makes my skin crawl. His therapist told me I need to be more tolerant. She doesn't seem to think his behavior is abnormal or sick. Herman is artistic and sensitive, a gourmet cook and an avid sportsman. More importantly, he is a terrific father to our two sons. I used to think he was the most masculine man alive. Now I don't see how I ever can look at him the same way or stop wondering whether he is gay. I don't want to break up our marriage, but if anyone found out about the makeup, wigs and high heels, I would be devastated. I need your advice. -- N. Carolina

Dear N. Carolina,
You need to have a better understanding of your husband's cross-dressing. Herman is a transvestite. Some transvestites are gay, but many are not. They get their thrills from dressing up in women's clothing, but that's as far as it goes. Please go to the public library and read up on the subject. The more you know the less you will fear it.



Share this Column with Friends




What do you think?
Comments:

A Note from Margo:
Hi! It's Margo here. I'd love to know what you think of the letters -- and the answers!

Also, any additional thoughts you might have. Thanks!

King of AL.com's Comment
herman is a strange guy. But you are stranger for staying with him.

Meg's Comment
I don’t agree with Ann on this one. You should not be made to feel guilty for your response to your husband’s desire to cross dress. You married him under the assumption that he was a standard heterosexual man, and it sounds like you are a heterosexual woman. It is understandable that this new revelation would make you feel betrayed and uneasy, wondering if you really know your husband. It’s not fair of him to suddenly switch things up and expect you to push aside your preferences and discomfort in order to be understanding. I feel like this is very self-centered of him, since your comfort zone in this scenario is equally important as important as his. Any major changes like this need to be discussed and agreed upon 100% by both partners before moving forward. Your feelings and preferences are just as valid as his.

Meg's Comment
I don't agree with Ann on this one. You should not be made to feel guilty for any feelings of betrayal or disgust that you're feeling. You married your husband with the assumption that he was a normal, heterosexual man, and it sounds like you're a normal, heterosexual woman. It makes perfect sense that your husband's request to cross-dress has left you shaken and uncomfortable, perhaps wondering if you really know him. It's not right for your husband (and Ann) to expect you to push aside your discomfort and preferences in order to be "tolerant." Your preferences are just as important and worthy of "tolerance" as your husband's. Any major changes to a marriage need to be discussed and agreed upon 100% by both partners before moving forward, and it is selfish of your husband to expect you to struggle and be uncomfortable in order to accommodate a preference that he was not open about in the beginning. Your preferences are just as important as his, and you should feel no guilt or shame for holding opinions that haven't changed over the years.

Meg's Comment
I don't agree with Ann on this one. You should not be made to feel guilty for any feelings of betrayal or disgust that you're feeling. You married your husband with the assumption that he was a normal, heterosexual man, and it sounds like you're a normal, heterosexual woman. It makes perfect sense that your husband's request to cross-dress has left you shaken and uncomfortable, perhaps wondering if you really know him. It's not right for your husband (and Ann) to expect you to push aside your discomfort and preferences in order to be "tolerant." Your preferences are just as important and worthy of "tolerance" as your husband's. Any major changes to a marriage need to be discussed and agreed upon 100% by both partners before moving forward, and it is selfish of your husband to expect you to struggle and be uncomfortable in order to accommodate a preference that he was not open about in the beginning. Your preferences are just as important as his, and you should feel no guilt or shame for holding opinions that haven't changed over the years.

Reader Comment
I also disagree with Ann, having been in almost the same situation with my EX-HUSBAND. It’s unfair for him to have hidden this during the marriage then expect acceptance. My ex expected us to have girl weekends and shop for clothes together. When he revealed this compulsion to me he started buying high heels (over 35 pair), dressing, stockings, jewelry wigs and even boobs... he would constantly be online shopping for shoes and asking my opinion (I don’t wear heels)... If you are not ok with it don’t feel like you have to be.

Adams Vera's Comment
What a wonderful and a straight forward spell caster that has brought back joy and happiness into my life! Am giving this testimony because am so happy, I want to thank Dr. Osasu for the great thing He has done in my life , He brought happiness back to my life, I never believed in spell casters until my life fell apart when my lover of 6 years decided to call it quit almost when we wanted to get married. I was so emotional breakdown to the extent i could not do anything reasonable again, after 2months in pain before an old friend of mine introduced me to a spell caster on line called Dr Osasu, this was after I have been scammed by various fake spell casters. I was introduced me to Dr Osasu a true Spell Caster. In less than 24 hours i saw wonders, my lover came back to me and my life got back just like a completed puzzle, and after 1month later we got married and it was just like a dream to me because i thought i had lost him forever. Thank you Dr. Osasu for helping me but most of all, Your Honesty and Fast Accurate Results. email: [email protected] WhatsApp Number: 2347064365391

Tracy Mattingly from united state's Comment
Get your ex lover back" dr unity is indeed a real and honest love spell caster'he brought my husband back. I'm Tracy Mattingly from united state, I'm so excited my husband is back after he left me for another woman. My husband was having an affair with a co-worker and i love my husband so much but he was cheating on me with his co-worker and this girl i think use witchcraft or black magic on my husband to make him hate me and this was so critical and uncalled-for, I cry all day and night for God to send me a helper to bring back my husband! I was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Unity can help get ex-boyfriend back fast. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it, then he did a love spell for me. 11hours later, my husband really called me and told me that he miss me so much, Oh My God! i was so happy, and today i am happy with my man again and we are joyfully living together and i thank the powerful spell caster Dr.Unity, he is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the here. if you are here and your Lover is turning you down, or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact Dr.Unity for help now..Here’s his contact Email him at: [email protected] or Call/Whats-app: 2348055361568 ,website:https://drunity.simplesite.com

Reader Comment
I agree with Ann, and I am surprised by the close-minded intolerance by the other comments.

Reader Comment
You’re all so cold heart and closed minds!!!!!

Helen Fisher's Comment
I am the most happiest woman on earth right now, My husband that left me few months ago just came back to me last night crying for me to take him back. dr.unity is a true and real Psychics He brought back my husband" I am Helen Fisher from USA. I have been married for over 13 years, my husband left me for another woman and i wanted him back. I did everything within my reach to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so badly because of the love I had for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to my friend and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back , I had no choice than to try it. I messaged the spell caster called dr unity, and he assured me there was no problem and that everything will be okay before 11 hours. He cast the spell and surprisingly 11 hours later my husband called me. I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that had happened He wanted me to return to him. He also said he loved me so much. I was so happy and went to him that was how we started living together happily again.thanks to dr unity for the real spell and if you have any problem contact him he is honest.Here’s his contact Call/Whats-app him: 2348055361568 ,or Email him at: [email protected] ,visit his website:https://drunity.simplesite.com

Diana Luis's Comment
Hey,I'm so excited my broken Marriage has been restored

justice4once's Comment
Damn! Can't you people block the spammers on this page? They are all thieves and criminals.

sandra lopez's Comment
I was searching for help on the internet to get my ex husband back after he divorced me 5 months ago, i came across so many testimonies from different people and they are all talking about this wonderful man called Doctor silver on how he help them to save their marriage and relationships and i also contact him on his email ([email protected]) and explain my problem to him and he did a nice job by helping me to get my divorced husband back within 48 hours.. I never believe that such things like this can be possible but now i am a living testimony to it because Doctor silver actually brought my lover back, If you are having any relationship problems why not contact Doctor silver for help via email: [email protected] or whatsapp 2348123877102 Then i promise you that after 48 hours you will have reasons to celebrate like me.

Ronice Harrison's Comment
Me and my husband was going through a divorce after 7 years of marriage I see that come in for a while we just was not the same with each other I contacted Dr Tunde he cast of a powerful marriage blessing that reunited me back together with my husband and also made our marriage stronger than ever it’s like we’re newlyweds all over again thank you so much from the bottom of my heart love you Dr Tunde  you  can also contact Dr Tunde on via email [email protected] or WhatsApp mobile number 2348143581382

Rita 's Comment
I'm 40 years old female I tested genital herpes (HSV1-2) positive in 2016. I was having bad outbreaks. EXTREMELY PAINFUL. I have try different kinds of drugs and treatment by the medical doctors all to know was avail. Six months ago I was desperately online searching for a helpful remedies for genital herpes (HSV1-2) cure, which I come across some helpful remedies on how Dr OYAGU have help so many people in curing genital herpes (HSV1-2) with the help of herbal treatment because I too believe there is someone somewhere in the world who can cure herpes completely. At of the past 2 months, however, I've been following his herpes protocol and it stopped all outbreaks completely! To my greatest surprise I was cured completely by following the protocol of his herbal medicine . Don't be discouraged by the medical doctors. There is a cure for HSV with the help of herbs and roots by a herbalist Dr call Dr OYAGU he is so kind and truthful with his herbal treatment, kindly contact him for more information Via [email protected] or WhatsApp DR on 2348101755322 or visit his website https://oyaguspellcaster.wixsite.com/oyaguherbalhome you will be lucky as I am today

Reader Comment
I feel like most of these people haven't read the response.

Georgia E.'s Comment
This “revelation” may be the precursor to more. The husband of a friend of mine started out wearing feminine clothing then announced he wanted to be a woman. My friend had a nervous breakdown over it and eventually committed suicide.

verin's Comment
My ex-husband dumped me 7 months ago after I caught him having an affair with someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuses to have any contact with me. I was so confused and didn't know what to do, so I visited the INTERNET for help and I saw a testimony on how a spell caster helped them to get their ex back. I contacted the spell caster and explained my problems to him..... he cast a spell for me and assured me of 48 hours that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my peter came knocking on my door and begged for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that, we are about to get married. Once again thank you DR. STIPHEN, you are truly talented and gifted contact him on email [email protected] or whatsapp him 4915215356866 Website http://stiphenspelltemple.website2.me/

matthiases's Comment
Buy USA driver's license produced with original quality online. California, Texas, Florida, New York and some others states available.This is the best place you can buy real driving license from us at affordable prices Buy a driver's license online from us knowing that it will cost you far less. Many chose to purchase real Driving licence legally in USA U.K Europe,Australia,Canada etc for different reasons.Contact Us today (WhatsApp 1 (901) 878-9747) buy real us driver's license get uk drivers license us citizen driver license usa cost driver license usa categories driver license usa check driver license usa california driver license usa class buy us driver's license online where can i buy a drivers license buy driver license buy usa driving license example of us driver license buying a car in the us with foreign license e drivers licence purchase drivers license online driver license us foreigner (WhatsApp 1 (901) 878-9747) Message Online on WhatsApp. https://wa.me/message/RSORAPM63IZKG1
 
Please share your comments below:








Our Reader to Reader Question of the Week:


Dear Readers,
, My x-girlfriend who lived with my son and I for 16 years died of cancer. Prior before we knew she had cancer-she moved out because of an addiction problem. We did stay very close before she died. Her x-husband an attorney took over her finances and the burial arrangements. I being financially set was okay with that, whatever they needed I provided. What really hurt my son and I the most was the obituary - we were not mentioned at all. Our friends (mine and hers) were appalled. I was embarrassed and upset for not just me, but for my son-who loved her also. I never been so upset. Her x-husband put his wife and kids and their grandchildren in the obituary, who my girlfriend barely knew. They live an hour away from us. I know its silly to be mad over a little section of the newspaper, but it still hurts. Will time let this devastating loss of her and this article ever go away? I am so angry at this whole situation, its not like we can go and rewrite an obituary notice.

Tell us what you think?

Popular Columns

Tag Cloud


Ask a Question
or
Post a Comment

"Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other."
-Ann Landers