Our Featured Columns from the Archives:
Section:
marriage,
manners,
behavior
Dear Ann Landers,
My husband and I were married recently. Our wedding was beautiful, but there was one problem: We had 17 no-shows and four surprise guests. Two days before the wedding, we'd had to give the caterers the exact number of guests. After that, we would get billed no matter how many no-shows there were. That means we paid for 13 extra meals that nobody ate.
I understand that sometimes an emergency comes up, but we wasted more than $330 on those no-show dinners. The extra guests turned out to be no problem because of the no-shows, but generally, surprises are not welcome. What if those 17 people had shown up and we didn't have enough dinners? It would have been a nightmare.
It is simply good manners to let the hostess know whether you are coming or not. And if the number of people in your party has changed, she should be informed about that, too. When you RSVP, the information you give the hostess is what the cost of the event is based on. Wedding receptions aren't cheap these days, and paying for no-shows is a terrible waste.
Am I expecting too much from guests? If so, please tell me. - San Diego
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Section:
mental-health,
relationships,
manners
Dear Ann Landers,
For 10 years, I was a stand-up comic and moderately successful. After a show, I liked to chat, but some people didn't understand the show was over, or they had a joke to tell me. If I never again hear, "Three guys are in a bar," I will die happy. I often ran for the exit the second my act was over. I hated doing that, because many people just wanted to say they enjoyed the show.
I know people are just trying to be friendly, but comics don't have the luxury of saying, "I've finished my gig," or they would appear rude and arrogant. Life on the road is very lonely, but after accepting after-show dinner invitations a few times, I realized people didn't want to have dinner with me; they just wanted more entertainment.
So, folks, we love to talk with you after the show because you are often the catalysts for spectacular stories, but please leave the jokes at home. -- Stop Me If You've Heard This One in Rochester, N.Y.
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Section:
addictions,
manners
Dear Ann Landers,
Please tell me if I'm wrong. My wife's parents called last week and asked if they could stay in our extra bedroom for the night. They live in the suburbs. We get along well, so naturally, I said yes. My wife and I had been planning an evening out, and my in-laws offered to watch our daughter so we wouldn't have to hire a sitter. It seemed like a very convenient arrangement.
Here's the problem. My in-laws smoke. They know we do not tolerate smoking in our home, especially now that we have a young child. When my wife and I returned from our evening out, it was obvious that my in-laws had been puffing up a storm. Also, there were ashes on the sofa where they had been sitting.
I was furious. When we asked them about it, they became angry and started yelling that our rules were ridiculous, and that they should be allowed to smoke in our home if they want to. Then, they left in a snit and have threatened to cut all ties with us.
My wife and I are not anti-smoking crusaders, Ann. We don't mind if friends or family members smoke, but we don't want them doing it in our house. I don't believe we are unreasonable, but apparently, they do. My wife loves her parents, and other than this issue, we get along just fine. I certainly don't want our daughter to grow up without her grandparents, but I am concerned about my child's health and do not want her around all that secondhand smoke. How can we repair this rupture and have a good relationship again without caving in on the smoking issue? -- The Son-in-Law
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Section:
addictions
Dear Ann Landers,
Here's another story about stupid criminals. This happened to my husband, "Jim," a truck driver.
Jim was on the road one day when two police cars pulled him over. The car right behind him also pulled over. The officers said that the car behind him had called in a report that Jim was weaving all over the road. They gave him a breathalyzer test and found he was perfectly sober.
Jim suggested they give the driver behind him the same test. They did and discovered he was intoxicated -- twice the legal limit. In fact, he was so drunk, he didn't realize it was he who was weaving all over the road. He actually reported himself! Wouldn't it be nice if more drunk drivers reported themselves? -- His Wife
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Section:
mental-health,
children
Dear Ann Landers,
I am planning to marry the love of my life in June. "Phillip" is a terrific guy except when it comes to my 12-year-old daughter, "Beth," who is very sweet but has attention deficit disorder. Phillip does not understand that she needs to be reminded of things over and over. When he asks her to do a chore, he expects her to jump to it immediately. He doesn't realize that Beth is easily distracted and forgets. She isn't being deliberately disobedient.
I think Phillip is being too hard on Beth when he says she needs more discipline. I agree that Beth may resent Phillip's presence in my life, but it doesn't help when he yells at her all the time. I love him dearly, but I'm having second thoughts about what marrying him might do to my daughter. Help me make the right choice. -- Unsure in Baltimore
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Section:
children,
grief-and-loss
Dear Ann Landers,
Yesterday, we buried our only son. He was 9 years old. Apparently, he found the loaded gun my husband kept in the drawer of his nightstand, and well -- you can guess the rest. Please tell your readers NEVER to leave a loaded gun where a child can reach it. Even better advice, don't have a gun in the house. It won't protect you. The invader is more experienced at shooting, and he will get you before you get him. It is too late for us to protect our son from our carelessness, Ann, but maybe my letter will save someone else's child. -- Grieving in the Midwest
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Section:
sexuality,
relationships,
marriage
Dear Ann Landers,
Here are my spouse's excuses for avoiding sex:
I'm tired.
I'm too nervous.
It's hot.
It's cold.
I'm too full.
I have a headache.
I have a stomachache.
The kids might hear.
I have to go to work.
My mind is on other things.
It's too early in the morning.
It's too late at night.
I'll bet you think this letter is from a husband complaining about his wife.
You're wrong. It's from a wife complaining about her husband. He is 50 years old,
and I am 40. We are both too young to be giving up sex. If you have any
suggestions on how to improve this not-so-hot relationship, I'd like to hear them. -
- Failing in Fresno, Calif.
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Section:
relationships,
behavior,
marriage,
mental-health
Dear Ann Landers,
Two weeks ago, when I came home from the supermarket, I found a note from my husband saying there was too much pressure in his life and he needed to get away. I immediately checked our bedroom and found that all his clothes were gone.
A few days later, I learned he already had another apartment and a new phone number, which proved he had been planning his escape for quite some time. I had an awful feeling of betrayal when I realized that the person I had been sleeping next to for so many years would plan to sneak off and leave me without saying a word.
The note he left said he would contact me in a few days. It has been nearly a week, and I haven't heard from him. My friends tell me I should phone him and find out exactly what he has in mind, but I don't want to do that. After all, he is the one who left, and I think he should make the first move. Please give me some advice. -- Confused in the Midwest
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Section:
relationships,
children,
marriage,
money
Dear Ann Landers,
My 23-year-old daughter is engaged to marry a young man I cannot stand. She seems very happy, and that is the most important thing, but the relationship worries me. "Francine" used to date a fellow I adored, but they broke up. He had all the qualities I admired. Her current beau has none of them. "Cal" loses his temper a lot and yells at Francine. I have mentioned my concerns and let her know that if he ever hits her, she can come to me anytime.
Francine is now living with Cal, and they have a joint bank account. He has a so-so job but never pays for anything if he can help it. Restaurant meals and movie tickets are always on her. He has no ambition to attend college, and I am sure Francine will end up supporting him, which galls me to no end. I am civil in Cal's presence but just barely. He constantly puts Francine down, and I invariably find myself defending her.
I have begged Francine to wait another year before making a final commitment, but she refuses. Her brother just married, and I wonder if perhaps she isn't competing with him. Is there anything I can do? -- Pennsylvania
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Section:
work,
money,
health-and-wellness
Dear Ann Landers,
Most of the world works by day and sleeps by night. But many people do their jobs while everyone else sleeps -- police officers, nurses, firefighters, waitresses, truck drivers, telephone operators, cab drivers, janitors, security guards and night-shift workers. I am a woman who manages a very busy bar, which means I work late hours six nights a week.
Some people have the crazy idea that I get paid to "party." Actually, I monitor the bartenders and have to decide which customers have had enough. I rarely get to sit down. Meanwhile, my husband seldom gets to stand up. "Mike" is a disc jockey. He is expected to be cheerful and funny and sound as if he is having a ball, even when he has a killer headache or the flu.
I get home around 4 a.m. Mike gets home about 5:30 a.m. We eat supper together and go to bed when the sun comes up. Then, the phone starts to ring. People think because we work at night, we have the whole day free. Some of our friends and family members have actually said, "You sure have it easy. You can sleep all day." Where do people get that nutty idea?
Night workers are just like everybody else. We spend eight hours at work, a couple of hours commuting and running errands, a few hours doing marketing, cooking and household chores, and if we are lucky, we get six or seven hours of sleep. Will you please say a few kind words for us night owls? We could use a little sympathy. -- Sleepless in New Orleans
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