Dear Ann Landers,
I have always been a small woman with no weight problems - that is, until I had three back surgeries and an operation on my neck. Now, I'm 35 pounds overweight and can't seem to lose it. I'm not a big eater, and it is difficult to exercise because of my health problems. I was in a relationship with a great guy, and things were going well until my weight gain. Now, he says he is not attracted to me anymore. He avoids having sex, and I'm beginning to feel insecure and wonder whether he's seeing someone else. I always thought loving someone went deeper than looks and it is what's inside a person that counts. I would love him if he were fat or skinny. I don't want to lose this man and don't know what to do. Can you help? - Miserable in Houston

Dear Houston,
Your boyfriend is telling you loud and clear that his attraction to you is based primarily on your looks. It's time to move on. Meanwhile, see a nutritionist and a physical fitness professional to find out what exercise options are available to you. Do this not for any man, but for yourself. You will not only feel better, but it will do wonders for your self-esteem.

Dear Ann Landers,
Here are my spouse's excuses for avoiding sex: I'm tired. I'm too nervous. It's hot. It's cold. I'm too full. I have a headache. I have a stomachache. The kids might hear. I have to go to work. My mind is on other things. It's too early in the morning. It's too late at night. I'll bet you think this letter is from a husband complaining about his wife. You're wrong. It's from a wife complaining about her husband. He is 50 years old, and I am 40. We are both too young to be giving up sex. If you have any suggestions on how to improve this not-so-hot relationship, I'd like to hear them. - - Failing in Fresno, Calif.

Dear Fresno,
The best way to improve a "not-so-hot" relationship is to heat it up. Be subtle but persistent. It sounds as if your husband is unsure of his ability to perform sexually. He needs reassurance, praise and the knowledge that you really do care about him. Start talking.

Dear Ann Landers,
I am concerned about the advice you gave "Befuddled," the teenager who was afraid her girlfriend, "Lottie," might be a lesbian because she slept in the nude when they shared a bed. You told her to continue the friendship but not to accept any more invitations to sleep over. Your response left me with a sinking feeling. When friends are uneasy about something like this, it is not OK to ignore it. Also, a friendship that is not based on trust can be hollow at best. As a woman who works with lesbian and gay young people, I find it highly unlikely that Lottie is a lesbian. If such were the case, she would not have risked a negative reaction from her friend. Rejection from those they care about is one of the principal concerns of gay youth. All teenagers, gay and straight, should be encouraged to be honest with their peers and not engage in deception. If the writer has worries and does not deal with them directly, the friendship will suffer. Please let her know that being gay is not the issue. The real issue is empowering young people to be forthright and vocal with each other about situations that make them uncomfortable. Staying silent accomplishes nothing and leaves them frustrated and confused. -- C.M. in the Southwest

Dear C.M.,
I had several complaints about my response to that letter and am inclined to think my answer was a dog. Your last sentence is a far better response. Thanks for cleaning up after me.

Dear Ann Landers,
I want to respond to your column on cross-dressing. My dear husband of many years passed away suddenly. We had a good marriage, and I loved him with all my heart. After he died, I cleaned out his workshop, which was piled to the ceiling with projects he hadn't finished and stuff he had accumulated over the years. I seldom went in there unless I needed a hammer or screwdriver. While cleaning, I found evidence that my devoted, loving husband was a secret transvestite. There were dozens of boxes of women's clothing, underwear, shoes and wigs, and magazines about cross-dressing in the closet and on the shelves. Apparently, he had been engaging in this activity for a very long time. Our sex life was good, and I thought our marriage was solid, but now, I'm depressed and upset because I feel I was married to a man I didn't really know. It also makes me wonder if he had any gay friends and if he went beyond just dressing up. All the precious memories I had of my husband have been besmirched. I cannot talk to anyone about this because he was prominent in our community, and I don't want to tarnish his good name. I am just thankful our son and daughter didn't insist on helping me clean out their father's things. I refuse to let anyone give me a hand with his closets and bureau drawers because I would rather die than have it known he had this weird side to him. Please, Ann, warn your readers who have secrets like my husband to come clean with their families or make sure they don't leave any evidence behind. I am -- Devastated in Texas

Dear Texas,
I hope you will change your mind and talk to a professional about your distress so you can come to terms with your husband's secret. Since my recent letter on cross-dressing appeared, I have received a ton of responses. Keep reading for more: From Mansfield, Ohio: I am a 33-year-old cross-dresser, and I definitely am not gay. I am engaged to be married to a lovely young woman who knows all about my "hobby" and shares my pleasure in it. She helps comb my wigs and puts red polish on my nails when I get dressed for "strutting." It is too bad more people don't understand that this is a harmless outlet for sexual tension. St. Thomas, Virgin Islands: Women have been wearing slacks, tuxedos, fedoras and men's shirts for years, and nobody seems to think it's strange. So why all the hubbub about men who want to wear feminine clothes? I don't get it. Chicago: I am a woman who wears men's clothing because it is much more comfortable than frills and lace. I can't understand why a man would want to wear nylons and high heels if he didn't have to. Buffalo, N.Y.: People who think cross-dressing is simply "dressing up" are fooling themselves. This activity is sexually satisfying, and those who deny it are not being honest. Bloomington, Ind.: Why all the flap about cross-dressing? In Scotland, those hearty fellows have been wearing skirts for centuries (they are called kilts), and nobody would dare question their virility. Raleigh, N.C.: I know from reading your column that there are women who can adjust to a cross-dressing husband and it is fine with them, but when such behavior causes anguish for a wife, it can destroy the marriage. I know because it happened to mine. Montreal, Quebec: The line between what is masculine and what is feminine has become noticeably blurred. Michael Jordan, an American icon, wears an earring, and no person in his right mind would ever question his masculinity.

Dear Ann Landers,
My husband and I have been married for 18 years. We have two fine children. Five years ago, my husband had an affair. I was devastated when I learned about it, but I did forgive him. He promised never to see the woman again, and he has kept his word. Here's the problem, Ann. The woman has kept in close touch with my in-laws for the past five years. My mother-in-law is well aware that this is very upsetting to me, but she continues to be friendly to the would-be home wrecker. Even my husband has asked his mother to stop seeing the woman, but she continues to be chummy. We moved from Florida partly to get away from this unpleasant situation, and believe it or not, this woman had the gall to move to this same small town. My nerves are completely shot, and I am beginning to develop health problems because of this. Can you help me? -- Hurt in Alabama

Dear Alabama,
You cannot do anything about that woman, but you can do something about yourself. Get some counseling at once. I've often said, "Nobody can take advantage of you without your permission," and the same goes for "torturing." You must put on an emotional raincoat and let whatever comes your way slide off. As for your mother-in-law, you have no right to dictate to her whom she should socialize with, so again, dear, put on that raincoat. Meanwhile, your doctor can give you something to settle your nerves.