Dear Ann Landers, Last New Year's Eve, my 15-year-old daughter had a party for her friends, under my supervision, of course. At midnight, while I was busy passing out soft drinks and food, I turned around to see "John," my 40-year-old boyfriend, kissing one of my daughter's 16-year-old friends. This was no ordinary peck on the cheek. The kiss was on the lips, and John's hands were planted firmly on her behind. The girl's arms were wrapped around his neck.
When I confronted Mr. Hot Stuff later that night, he said he'd had too much to drink and didn't know what he was doing. John has apologized at least five times, but I can't seem to get that steamy scene out of my mind. He is a caring, wonderful man with a heart of gold, and we get along very well. As far as I know, he has been 100 percent faithful. Until this happened, I was sure he was Mr. Right.
Should I forgive him for this one lapse, or is it a red flag that signifies a major character flaw? I need your advice. -- Unsure in Columbia, Ohio
Dear Columbia, I opt for the one-lapse explanation this time. Accept it. Alcohol can do strange things. Consider this a dead issue, and suggest that John stick to cola on future occasions.
Dear Ann Landers, Two years ago, I met a wonderful man, and we have been dating ever since. When "Bob" bought a home last May, he asked me to move in with him. I knew his mother would be moving in, too, but I thought it would be temporary.
Well, it's been eight months, and she is still here. I cook, clean and do laundry, but she does everything over again, saying I didn't do a good job. She has peculiar eating habits, which makes it difficult for me to prepare a tasty meal that everyone can enjoy. When I try to cook something she can eat, she claims my cooking "doesn't taste right" and adds other ingredients or dilutes it with water. She also tells me I shouldn't use a mop on the floor because "it's not clean unless you get down on your hands and knees and scrub."
I've told Bob several times that I am ready to pack up and leave, but he cries and begs me to stay. I honestly don't want to go, Ann. I really love the guy. Can you help me? -- Exasperated in Salem, Ore.
Dear Salem, Face it. Your boyfriend is going to have to decide: Either his mother must live elsewhere, or you leave -- unless, of course, you are willing to put up with the old battle-ax forever.
Since you aren't married yet, there's a chance you may win the power struggle, but I wouldn't bet on it. Your future mother-in-law is going to be a thorn in your side, a fly in your ointment and a bone in your throat forever. Get some counseling to give yourself confidence and strength. You're going to need it.
Gem of the Day: If you think you are a person of influence, try ordering someone else's dog around.
Dear Ann Landers, Please print this list of warning signals to help women determine if a mate or date is a potential (or actual) batterer.
Be careful if your mate displays any of the following signs:
1. Jealousy of your time with co-workers, friends and family.
2. Controlling behavior. (Controls your comings and goings and your money and insists on "helping" you make personal decisions.)
3. Isolation. (Cuts you off from supportive resources such as telephone pals and colleagues at work.)
4. Blames others for his problems. (Unemployment, family quarrels -- everything is "your fault.")
5. Hypersensitivity. (Easily upset by annoyances that are a part of daily life, such as being asked to work overtime, criticism of any kind, being asked to help with chores or child care.)
6. Cruelty to animals or children. (Insensitive to their pain and suffering, may tease and/or hurt children and pets.)
7. "Playful" use of force in sex. (May throw you down and hold you during sex. May start having sex with you when you are sleeping or demand sex when you are ill or tired.)
8. Verbal abuse. (Says cruel and hurtful things, degrades and humiliates you, wakes you up to verbally abuse you or doesn't let you go to sleep.)
9. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. (Sudden mood swings and
unpredictable behavior -- one minute loving, the next minute angry and punitive.)
10. Past history of battering. (Has hit others but has a list of excuses for having been "pushed over the edge.")
11. Threats of violence. (Says, "I'll slap you," "I'll kill you," or "I'll break
your neck.")
12. Breaking or striking objects. (Breaks your possessions, throws objects near or at you or your children.)
13. Uses force during an argument. (Holds you down or against a wall, pushes, shoves, slaps or kicks you. This behavior can easily escalate to choking, stabbing or shooting.)
Ann, please tell your readers they don't have to accept violent behavior from anyone -- mates, dates, parents or friends. Because millions of American women will be battered at some time in their lives, they need to know how to read the warning signs. Any woman who sees herself in the column today should call the nearest women's crisis line and tell someone what is happening. She will be provided with support and safety options.
There are several ways to break the cycle of violence, and identifying the
warning signs is the first step. -- Portland, Ore.
Dear Oregon, Some women do not realize they are being abused until it is pointed out to them. They have been made to believe abusive treatment is what they deserve. I hope women who see themselves in this column will look up the number of the nearest women's shelter and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233) or visit thehotline.org. It could save their lives.
Dear Ann Landers, I am 29 years old and divorced my husband a year ago when I discovered he was a world-class con artist. I have been seeing a therapist and am moving in a healthy direction. I feel I'm getting my confidence back and am enjoying my independence. For the past few months, I have been dating a wonderful man who seems serious about me.
My problem is, I become both excited and frightened when "Clark" and I talk about a future together. My concern is that he makes a very modest salary that barely covers his living expenses. For five years, I was married to a man who spent money as if it grew on trees, and it was up to me to make ends meet.
I had a very good job, but it was never enough. When we split, I swore I'd never allow myself to get in that position again.
Clark is considerate and caring, and we get along great, but I find myself looking for things about him that aren't perfect. I am not sure whether my concern is based on common sense or whether I am simply afraid to marry a man who is down a lot lower on the pay scale than I'd like him to be. I haven't told Clark about my fears because I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel inadequate. He believes I am hesitating about a commitment because my past experience soured me on relationships. He thinks I will come around if I have a little more time.
I don't want to end a great relationship, but I don't want to struggle financially like I did before. Please help me sort this out. - Confused in L.A.
Dear L.A., What you need is time to clear your head. Don't make any hasty decisions. Keep seeing Clark, but don't pass up any opportunities to date others. In due time, you will decide whether your feelings for Clark are strong enough to triumph over the financial insecurity. Let me know how this turns out.
Dear Ann Landers, I have always been a small woman with no weight problems - that is, until I had three back surgeries and an operation on my neck. Now, I'm 35 pounds overweight and can't seem to lose it. I'm not a big eater, and it is difficult to exercise because of my health problems.
I was in a relationship with a great guy, and things were going well until my weight gain. Now, he says he is not attracted to me anymore. He avoids having sex, and I'm beginning to feel insecure and wonder whether he's seeing someone else. I always thought loving someone went deeper than looks and it is what's inside a person that counts. I would love him if he were fat or skinny.
I don't want to lose this man and don't know what to do. Can you help? - Miserable in Houston
Dear Houston, Your boyfriend is telling you loud and clear that his attraction to you is based primarily on your looks. It's time to move on.
Meanwhile, see a nutritionist and a physical fitness professional to find out what exercise options are available to you. Do this not for any man, but for yourself. You will not only feel better, but it will do wonders for your self-esteem.
