Dear Ann Landers, I plan to be married in a few months and need some advice. My fiance and I have been together for almost seven years and have all the appliances and accessories we need to furnish our new apartment. We could use some furniture, however, and are now in the process of looking at chairs, tables and so on.
Several friends and relatives have let us know they want to give us a shower or a party. We really don't need presents. We would be thrilled if they would give us money so we could buy furniture. Is there a polite way we could ask for money instead of a shower or wedding gift without looking tacky? - Broke in Mississippi
Dear Broke, If you have a close relationship with aunts, uncles or cousins and they ask, "What do you NEED?" it would be OK to say, "We have everything we need except furniture and are now looking at several pieces. If you'd like to give us a check to help furnish our apartment, that would be wonderful."
I know of no polite way to ask friends or relatives who want to give you a shower or wedding gift to give you money instead.
Dear Ann Landers, My in-laws have a habit of coming to our home without calling first. There have been times when my mother-in-law has called me on the phone "just to chat" and never says a word about coming over. Then, she shows up at the door 10 minutes later with a goofy grin on her face. I'm sure she enjoys these surprise attacks.
My husband has asked his parents politely several times to call before coming over. One Sunday morning, they dropped by, and he refused to let them in, saying it wasn't a good time. You'd think they would get the hint. They didn't. I have come home from work on my lunch hour to find them in the house. We also have come home from work and seen evidence that they had been here.
My husband gave them a key to our previous house, but when we moved, I refused to let them have a spare. However, there is a key that we keep hidden outside for emergencies, and my husband told his parents where it is. He said apologetically, "They might need to get into the house in case of an emergency."
Ann, what can I do about this galling situation? I'm at the end of my rope and totally out of patience with my in-laws. Please advise. I no longer can think rationally about this problem. -- Ohio Nightmare Without End
Dear Ohio Nightmare, Your principal problem is not with your in-laws; it's with your husband. Telling his parents where to find the hidden key was nothing short of a betrayal.
Find another place for the key (not the mailbox or under the doormat -- that's the first place thieves look).
Inform your husband in no uncertain terms that he is not to tell his parents of the new location.
If your in-laws show up again on a Sunday, tell them bluntly that you are not ready for company and to phone in the future, please, because you cannot entertain them properly when they just drop in.
Dear Ann Landers, I have been going with a man for three years. "Jerome" has a 5-year-old daughter, and I don't know how much longer I can tolerate that child. She tells her father where to sit, where to stand, when to go out and what to eat. She walks around his apartment and insists on holding his hand, no matter what he's doing. She even goes to the bathroom with him. (He says she cries if he locks her out.) If she awakens in the middle of the night, he allows her to sleep with him.
Jerome is divorced, and his daughter spends two nights a week at his place. I realize she misses her father, but this seems to me a very unhealthy attachment. When she is with him, she won't play with her toys or watch TV. She only wants to sit on his lap. This child has so many hang-ups it saddens me. Jerome says I am jealous of her, but I don't believe this is true. What do you say, Ann? -- Ready To Give Up in Richmond, Va.
Dear Richmond, Dump Jerome, unless you are willing to play second fiddle to that pathetic spoiled brat for the rest of your life. Unfortunately, her brattiness is not her fault. Her father (probably guilty about the divorce) has catered to the child to the extent that he is totally under her thumb. Adios, Jerome, and the sooner the better.
Dear Ann Landers, I am the grandmother of a child who was put up for adoption. It was an open adoption, which means the adoptive parents send my son photographs and letters so he knows how his child is doing. The adoptive parents are lovely people, and my grandson is doing wonderfully. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for them.
Every Christmas and birthday, I send gifts to my grandson because I want him to know I care about him. The adoptive parents have a second child, and I make sure to send gifts to that child, too. The rest of my family disagrees with this. They say I should distance myself from the boy and stop keeping in touch with the adoptive parents.
Tell me, Ann, are they right? Is it a mistake for me to maintain a relationship with this child? The adoptive parents have never asked me to back off, nor has my son objected to my presence in the boy's life. Christmas will be here soon, and I would appreciate your opinion. -- Torn in Texas
Dear Texas, Who, exactly, is "the rest of the family," and what business is it of theirs? These people who are giving you this bum advice should be told you are dealing with the matter in your own way and that all parties involved are satisfied with how things are being handled. (That is shorthand for MYOB, and if they don't get it, spell it out for them.) Keep reading for a different kind of Grandma story:
Dear Ann Landers, In a recent case, the Florida Supreme Court ruled that parents alone make the decision whether or not grandparents may see their grandchildren.
I am a pastor and counselor in Florida. For years, I have been privy to the horror stories of seniors whose grandchildren are used as bargaining chips in an effort to control wealth and influence relationships. Since nothing is more precious to seniors than their grandchildren, the threat goes like this: "If you don't agree to do this or that, you will never see your grandchildren again." If the grandparents don't cave in, the result is often total abandonment.
Florida is filled with happy retirees with good relationships, but there are also hundreds of seniors, who are forgotten and warehoused in nursing homes or trailer parks. Their only connection to family members is the outdated pictures of grandkids whom they never get to know. This is a tragedy. Everybody loses. -- Dr. R.S., Ridge Manor, Fla.
Dear Dr. R.S., Thanks for the words of wisdom. I hope the children who are neglecting their elderly parents will ask themselves, "Could this be me?" The answer is "Probably."
