Dear Ann Landers, I just learned that my ex-husband is the father of a baby boy with his new wife. I am devastated by this news. We have been divorced for 10 years, but I never stopped loving him.
Eight months after I married "Andy," he had a vasectomy without telling me. We spent another year trying to have a baby. Actually, I was the only one who was trying. Andy was stringing me along. He knew he could not father a child, but he made me believe the fault was mine. I discovered the truth when I went to see a fertility specialist. The doctor said there was no physical reason I could not become pregnant and suggested that my husband be checked. It was then that Andy told me about the vasectomy. The following year, he divorced me on the grounds that he wasn't cut out for marriage. Later that year, he got married to someone else and apparently had his vasectomy reversed.
Now I am faced with a terrible sense of loss. How in the world could this have happened? Andy's new family should have been OURS. I tried to adopt a child, but as a single woman, this is very difficult unless you have a great deal of money. I know I can't turn back the clock, but learning about Andy's baby has brought back all the hurt. How can I rid myself of this pain? -- Need Help in Tacoma, Wash.
Dear Tacoma, Andy is a liar and a cheat. Had you stayed married to him, he would have given you endless grief. Count your blessings. You missed a speeding bullet. Call your local child-welfare agency, and inquire about being a foster parent.
There are a great many children who need homes but are not adoptable for a variety of reasons. Good luck to you, dear.
Dear Ann Landers, I have always maintained it's the thought that counts when it comes to gifts. In that light, I'd like to know what you think.
Over the years, my husband, our children and I have received an odd selection of gifts from my in-laws. They are always used -- from their attic, a thrift shop or a fire sale, or otherwise recycled. We have laughed it off, decided that they are eccentric and disposed of the gifts.
I can understand used books, clothing, jewelry and toys, but last Christmas, they went a bit too far. Our teenage son received an assortment of used aftershave -- complete with mildew on the bottles. He just laughed and tossed it in the trash. My husband and I, however, felt insulted.
These people are financially well to-do. They see our children only when they visit on birthdays or Christmas. They stay through dinner and leave just before dessert is served. Then, we don't hear from them until the next major event. When we ask them to spend more time with the grandchildren, they make all kinds of excuses for why they can't manage it. After being rebuffed numerous times, our children have stopped asking about them.
Ann, if it's "the thought that counts," what thought can there be behind such insulting gifts? I hesitate to ask them, because I do not want to hurt my husband, but I would appreciate your opinion. -- Daughter-in-Law in Englewood, Fla.
Dear Englewood, Here are a few adjectives: cheap, no-class, stingy, tightwads, and toss in stupid, weird and kooky, since they apparently believe they are getting away with it. How sad that they're missing out on their grandchildren's lives. When their crummy gifts arrive, just toss them in the trashcan, and let it go at that. Would you believe a woman in Minnesota wrote to tell me that last Christmas she got the same fruitcake she had given the woman two years before?
Dear Ann Landers, I must respond to the letter from "Sad Sister in N.C.," whose schizophrenic brother refused to take his medication. My heart goes out to her. In your response, you said those who refuse to take medication might have to be forced to have their condition monitored by a doctor.
My son was struck with this illness at age 24. He was newly married, with his own business and a beautiful home -- and he lost it all. I was told he was an adult and I could not hospitalize him without his permission. He refused to get help because he didn't think he was sick. In desperation, I called the police and said my son had threatened me with bodily harm. They put him in a mental facility that did nothing but hold him for a few weeks and then let him go.
After four long years, I filed a conservatorship for my son and turned him over to the state so he could receive the medical attention he needed. He was put in a state facility for six months, where he was taught about schizophrenia and the need for lifelong medication. I bless the doctors and nurses at that hospital for giving me back my son.
The laws need to be changed to get these young adults the help they need. They are often not able to make this decision on their own. I hope your column will trigger a move in the right direction. -- San Marcos, Calif.
Dear San Marcos, You deserve a medal for being so persistent and putting your son on the road to recovery. That column created quite a firestorm among my readers. Here are some of the responses I received:
From Chesapeake, Ohio: I suffer from depression and went voluntarily for help when I was in my late teens. I was bullied and threatened by the very staff that was supposed to help me. Forced medication is not the answer. It will only leave victims more vulnerable, and the number of deaths attributable to overmedication will increase.
Canfield, Ohio: When I was married, my husband had me hospitalized and forced me to undergo shock treatments for alleged postpartum psychosis. As it turned out, my problem was multiple sclerosis. I have suffered brain damage as a result of the drugs I was forced to take. How many other husbands would do this to their wives if they could get away with it?
San Jose, Calif.: Schizophrenia is a man-made diagnosis, and doctors make mistakes. A lifetime of being warehoused with people you don't like (and who might be dangerous) could be a disaster. The old man you see on the street whose tongue twitches didn't get that way because he was given compassion. He probably was restrained, drugged and dehumanized by a system that was supposed to help him.
Kerrville, Texas: I work for the Assertive Community Treatment team, which assists people with severe, persistent mental illness. The majority of our clients have had multiple hospitalizations, and most of them have failed after numerous attempts to stay well.
Our team's goal is to keep these individuals in the least restrictive environment required to maintain their independence. Case managers deliver and monitor medications to assure compliance. We also provide assistance for housing and employment, as well as classes on socialization, anger, stress management and symptoms management. We have a 24-hour crisis hotline people can call when things become too stressful.
Tell your readers there are resources within each community to assist mentally ill individuals and their families. For information, readers should contact the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill, 200 N. Glebe Rd., Suite 1015, Arlington, Va. 22203. The phone number is 1-800-950-NAMI (1-800-950-6264), and the website is www.nami.org.
Dear Ann Landers, You have printed several letters from lonely grandparents who wonder why they never hear from their grandchildren. I'm a man who has the reverse of that problem.
I've been happily married for 21 years and have a teenage daughter and son. Since the day our children were born, my widowed mother has shown absolutely no interest in them whatsoever. I cannot understand this. Our children are every parent's dream. They are bright, well-mannered, respectful and a joy to be around.
When the kids were young, my mother made it clear she did not want to baby-sit, so we never asked her. When we make the 200-mile trip to her town, it's as if my wife and kids are invisible. She talks incessantly about her friends and social activities but never directs any conversation toward our children. The only acknowledgment she has ever given them is an annual birthday card. The one time she came to our home, she sat on the edge of the sofa and kept saying she needed to leave as soon as possible. She went home the next morning.
Am I expecting too much? My mother is in her 70s and is an intelligent woman. My children would love to have a caring grandmother, and I wish I could find a stand-in for them. At this point, I no longer want to visit my mother and subject my children to her indifference. Do you have any ideas on how to get her to warm up? -- Sad Son in N.C.
Dear N.C., You might as well try to warm up Siberia. Have you told her how much it would mean to you if she took an interest in your children? If she is willing to discuss it, you might be able to turn things around. If not, leave the family at home when you visit your mother, and spare everyone the aggravation.
Dear Ann Landers, I come from a large family. A few months ago, we lost our dad. During his illness, he made a detailed list of items he wanted to leave to his children and grandchildren. Mom told him, "This is still my home, and these are my things, too. Nothing leaves."
This led to a discussion between my brothers and sisters. We agreed that nothing would be taken from the house. A few siblings, however, have been taking items for their children. This angered the rest of us, and we asked them to return these items. We argued that Mom is still alive and these things belong to HER. As of now, not one of the siblings has returned anything.
We also feel that when Mom goes, the heirloom items should be handed down to US and not to the grandchildren. Then, if we choose, we will pass them on to the next generation. Please, Ann, print this letter and your comments so the entire family can read them. -- Discord in Canada
Dear Canada, I have no idea if Grandma is leaving behind the crown jewels of the Ottoman Empire or some pots, pans and beaded lampshades. I suggest she hire a professional appraiser and an attorney and get a will spelled out now. If she doesn't, I predict a world-class family fight that will turn into a two-generation disaster. Meanwhile, forget about the items that have already been taken from the house. It sounds as if there's enough dissension as it is.
