Dear Ann Landers, My jaw dropped when I read the letter from the woman who had been married for 14 years to a man who had shown no interest in sex since the day they married. That letter could have been written by me.
You told the woman she had a "clinker in her thinker" for staying with him. My comment is, "Well, maybe yes and maybe no." Where I come from, marriage means a lot more than just sex. I was taught that marriage is forever. Also, it defines one's social status, not to mention one's income bracket.
For years, I thought I was doing something wrong. I tried to change. It didn't work. I then decided to end my sexless marriage, get a job and support myself. I divorced my husband two years ago. The cold shoulder I received in this small, conservative town was unbelievable. People here assume that if a man isn't beating his wife or running around, she has no legitimate reason to leave him.
So, Ann, sometimes it's not the woman but the culture that has a "clinker in its thinker." -- Small Town in Kansas
Dear Kansas, It sounds as if you asked yourself that old Ann Landers question: "Are you better off with him or without him?" And you decided you were better off without him, even though it meant getting a job. Good for you! I'm sure your life is infinitely better. Keep reading for more on this subject:
No City, N.Y.: I have been in a sexless marriage for more than 14 years, and I definitely do not have a "clinker in my thinker." I agree it can be difficult at times, but there's a lot more to marriage than what goes on in the bedroom. My husband and I have been through a lot together, and our love continues to grow stronger. If a spouse were injured and became unable to have sex, would that be a reason for divorce? The vow says, "For better or for worse, in sickness and in health."
San Pedro, Calif.: I read the letter from "Older and Wiser in Maine," who spent 14 years in a sexless marriage. I would bet anything the man is either gay or asexual. One thing is certain -- he is not normal, and neither is she if she is willing to settle for a sexless marriage.
Boothwyn, Pa.: I disagree with your assumption that a woman must be nuts to stay married for 14 years to a man who wanted no more sex after they married. I am 33, and my husband is 40. In the six years we have been man and wife, he has never been interested in sex, and believe me, I have tried everything. He says he loves me, he is an excellent father, but he doesn't like sex and refuses to see a counselor. My faith tells me divorce is a sin, and I wouldn't consider it unless he were abusing me or our child. As soon as I get the money together, I will see a therapist and get some help. I can't handle this on my own.
Portland, Ore.: As if women in these sexless marriages aren't suffering enough, you add to their pain by saying we are also mental cases. Twenty-five years ago, after only six months of marriage, my husband said he didn't know why he married me. I was devastated. I could have married any one of several men but chose this nitwit because he seemed so respectful of me. He turned out to be a cold fish and abusive. Of course, there was no sex. He made me quit my job, so I am dependent on him for money. He has convinced me that I am too stupid to do anything on my own. Life holds no pleasure. I am miserable.
And now this is Ann talking. For "Portland" and all other readers who are in sexless marriages, I would like to say: If you aren't interested in sex and don't want to be bothered, and your mate is of the same mind, fine, it's nobody's business. But the good Lord gave us this gift, and it is sad not to appreciate it and use it, and this goes for both men and women. As for Portland, get a job, leave the tyrant, and regain your self-respect.
Dear Ann Landers, I have been reading your column for a long time, hoping someone would write in about my problem, but it hasn't happened, so here I am.
My husband is 52 years old. We have been married for 15 years. Although I was a willing and responsive partner, I realized early on he wasn't particularly interested in sex after the newness wore off. He said he would rather make the moves -- then didn't. Then I had to be the aggressor, or absolutely nothing would happen.
A bigger problem, however, is his thumb sucking. It started about a year ago. When I enter the room, he will jerk his thumb out of his mouth. He does this while watching TV or after dinner when he reads the paper. I'm concerned because it seems to be getting worse with time.
I find this very distressing, but there are many positives to our relationship. He is a hard worker and a wonderful grandfather, and he acts as if he loves me dearly. I am too tired for a major life change and too humiliated to discuss this with anyone but you. Please respond in print. -- No Name, No City
Dear N.N.N.C., Your husband's thumb sucking may be a major turnoff, but it is not grounds for divorce. Actually, it is a release from stress. The thumb sucking helps him revisit his early years, when life was peaceful and uncomplicated. Some men drink when life gets stressful. Others cheat. I hope he will consider counseling because this man needs help.
Dear Ann Landers, I am 29 years old and divorced my husband a year ago when I discovered he was a world-class con artist. I have been seeing a therapist and am moving in a healthy direction. I feel I'm getting my confidence back and am enjoying my independence. For the past few months, I have been dating a wonderful man who seems serious about me.
My problem is, I become both excited and frightened when "Clark" and I talk about a future together. My concern is that he makes a very modest salary that barely covers his living expenses. For five years, I was married to a man who spent money as if it grew on trees, and it was up to me to make ends meet.
I had a very good job, but it was never enough. When we split, I swore I'd never allow myself to get in that position again.
Clark is considerate and caring, and we get along great, but I find myself looking for things about him that aren't perfect. I am not sure whether my concern is based on common sense or whether I am simply afraid to marry a man who is down a lot lower on the pay scale than I'd like him to be. I haven't told Clark about my fears because I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel inadequate. He believes I am hesitating about a commitment because my past experience soured me on relationships. He thinks I will come around if I have a little more time.
I don't want to end a great relationship, but I don't want to struggle financially like I did before. Please help me sort this out. - Confused in L.A.
Dear L.A., What you need is time to clear your head. Don't make any hasty decisions. Keep seeing Clark, but don't pass up any opportunities to date others. In due time, you will decide whether your feelings for Clark are strong enough to triumph over the financial insecurity. Let me know how this turns out.
Dear Ann Landers, My 23-year-old daughter is engaged to marry a young man I cannot stand. She seems very happy, and that is the most important thing, but the relationship worries me. "Francine" used to date a fellow I adored, but they broke up. He had all the qualities I admired. Her current beau has none of them. "Cal" loses his temper a lot and yells at Francine. I have mentioned my concerns and let her know that if he ever hits her, she can come to me anytime.
Francine is now living with Cal, and they have a joint bank account. He has a so-so job but never pays for anything if he can help it. Restaurant meals and movie tickets are always on her. He has no ambition to attend college, and I am sure Francine will end up supporting him, which galls me to no end. I am civil in Cal's presence but just barely. He constantly puts Francine down, and I invariably find myself defending her.
I have begged Francine to wait another year before making a final commitment, but she refuses. Her brother just married, and I wonder if perhaps she isn't competing with him. Is there anything I can do? -- Pennsylvania
Dear Penn., Yes, you can stop knocking Cal and do your darndest to find something about him to admire. This will baffle Francine. Do not mention the old boyfriend you like, or she will never go near him. Meanwhile, keep busy, and pay as little attention as possible to your daughter's social life. A 23-year-old woman might interpret her mother's "guidance" as interference and marry the guy to assert her independence.
Gem of the Day (Credit Sara Weintraub, age 90, Boston): "If I had everything to do over again, I would care 20 percent less."
Dear Ann Landers, My 32-year-old daughter is getting married for the second time. My daughter and I have a good relationship, but my ex-wife and I barely speak. She and my daughter made all the wedding preparations and paid for the whole thing without any assistance from me. I received a wedding invitation, but it excluded my fiancee, "Greta."
Greta and I have been together for the past six years. During this time, my daughter has visited us often and always seemed comfortable with the relationship. Greta is very hurt and angry that she was not invited to the wedding. She asked me to speak to my daughter about the "oversight" and said that if no invitation was forthcoming, I should not go to the wedding, either.
I spoke to my daughter, who told me it was the expressed desire of her mother, my ex-wife, not to invite Greta. My daughter receives a lot of financial help from her mother and is obviously reluctant to go against her mother's wishes.
What should I do? If I attend the wedding alone, Greta will think I let her down. If I don't go at all, my daughter will assume I favor my fiancee over her and will be crushed. Any suggestions would be appreciated. -- Dad in Bonita, Calif.
Dear Dad, Greta should have been invited to the wedding because she has been your significant other for six years. She was not invited, however, which means she is not welcome. It would be classy of Greta to say, "Go -- have a good time, and bring me a piece of wedding cake." If she does not choose to be gracious, go anyway.
This is your daughter's day, and her wish to have you there takes precedence.
