Dear Ann Landers, I just learned that my ex-husband is the father of a baby boy with his new wife. I am devastated by this news. We have been divorced for 10 years, but I never stopped loving him.
Eight months after I married "Andy," he had a vasectomy without telling me. We spent another year trying to have a baby. Actually, I was the only one who was trying. Andy was stringing me along. He knew he could not father a child, but he made me believe the fault was mine. I discovered the truth when I went to see a fertility specialist. The doctor said there was no physical reason I could not become pregnant and suggested that my husband be checked. It was then that Andy told me about the vasectomy. The following year, he divorced me on the grounds that he wasn't cut out for marriage. Later that year, he got married to someone else and apparently had his vasectomy reversed.
Now I am faced with a terrible sense of loss. How in the world could this have happened? Andy's new family should have been OURS. I tried to adopt a child, but as a single woman, this is very difficult unless you have a great deal of money. I know I can't turn back the clock, but learning about Andy's baby has brought back all the hurt. How can I rid myself of this pain? -- Need Help in Tacoma, Wash.
Dear Tacoma, Andy is a liar and a cheat. Had you stayed married to him, he would have given you endless grief. Count your blessings. You missed a speeding bullet. Call your local child-welfare agency, and inquire about being a foster parent.
There are a great many children who need homes but are not adoptable for a variety of reasons. Good luck to you, dear.
Dear Ann Landers, My jaw dropped when I read the letter from the woman who had been married for 14 years to a man who had shown no interest in sex since the day they married. That letter could have been written by me.
You told the woman she had a "clinker in her thinker" for staying with him. My comment is, "Well, maybe yes and maybe no." Where I come from, marriage means a lot more than just sex. I was taught that marriage is forever. Also, it defines one's social status, not to mention one's income bracket.
For years, I thought I was doing something wrong. I tried to change. It didn't work. I then decided to end my sexless marriage, get a job and support myself. I divorced my husband two years ago. The cold shoulder I received in this small, conservative town was unbelievable. People here assume that if a man isn't beating his wife or running around, she has no legitimate reason to leave him.
So, Ann, sometimes it's not the woman but the culture that has a "clinker in its thinker." -- Small Town in Kansas
Dear Kansas, It sounds as if you asked yourself that old Ann Landers question: "Are you better off with him or without him?" And you decided you were better off without him, even though it meant getting a job. Good for you! I'm sure your life is infinitely better. Keep reading for more on this subject:
No City, N.Y.: I have been in a sexless marriage for more than 14 years, and I definitely do not have a "clinker in my thinker." I agree it can be difficult at times, but there's a lot more to marriage than what goes on in the bedroom. My husband and I have been through a lot together, and our love continues to grow stronger. If a spouse were injured and became unable to have sex, would that be a reason for divorce? The vow says, "For better or for worse, in sickness and in health."
San Pedro, Calif.: I read the letter from "Older and Wiser in Maine," who spent 14 years in a sexless marriage. I would bet anything the man is either gay or asexual. One thing is certain -- he is not normal, and neither is she if she is willing to settle for a sexless marriage.
Boothwyn, Pa.: I disagree with your assumption that a woman must be nuts to stay married for 14 years to a man who wanted no more sex after they married. I am 33, and my husband is 40. In the six years we have been man and wife, he has never been interested in sex, and believe me, I have tried everything. He says he loves me, he is an excellent father, but he doesn't like sex and refuses to see a counselor. My faith tells me divorce is a sin, and I wouldn't consider it unless he were abusing me or our child. As soon as I get the money together, I will see a therapist and get some help. I can't handle this on my own.
Portland, Ore.: As if women in these sexless marriages aren't suffering enough, you add to their pain by saying we are also mental cases. Twenty-five years ago, after only six months of marriage, my husband said he didn't know why he married me. I was devastated. I could have married any one of several men but chose this nitwit because he seemed so respectful of me. He turned out to be a cold fish and abusive. Of course, there was no sex. He made me quit my job, so I am dependent on him for money. He has convinced me that I am too stupid to do anything on my own. Life holds no pleasure. I am miserable.
And now this is Ann talking. For "Portland" and all other readers who are in sexless marriages, I would like to say: If you aren't interested in sex and don't want to be bothered, and your mate is of the same mind, fine, it's nobody's business. But the good Lord gave us this gift, and it is sad not to appreciate it and use it, and this goes for both men and women. As for Portland, get a job, leave the tyrant, and regain your self-respect.
Dear Ann Landers, I have been reading your column for a long time, hoping someone would write in about my problem, but it hasn't happened, so here I am.
My husband is 52 years old. We have been married for 15 years. Although I was a willing and responsive partner, I realized early on he wasn't particularly interested in sex after the newness wore off. He said he would rather make the moves -- then didn't. Then I had to be the aggressor, or absolutely nothing would happen.
A bigger problem, however, is his thumb sucking. It started about a year ago. When I enter the room, he will jerk his thumb out of his mouth. He does this while watching TV or after dinner when he reads the paper. I'm concerned because it seems to be getting worse with time.
I find this very distressing, but there are many positives to our relationship. He is a hard worker and a wonderful grandfather, and he acts as if he loves me dearly. I am too tired for a major life change and too humiliated to discuss this with anyone but you. Please respond in print. -- No Name, No City
Dear N.N.N.C., Your husband's thumb sucking may be a major turnoff, but it is not grounds for divorce. Actually, it is a release from stress. The thumb sucking helps him revisit his early years, when life was peaceful and uncomplicated. Some men drink when life gets stressful. Others cheat. I hope he will consider counseling because this man needs help.
Dear Ann Landers, I have always maintained it's the thought that counts when it comes to gifts. In that light, I'd like to know what you think.
Over the years, my husband, our children and I have received an odd selection of gifts from my in-laws. They are always used -- from their attic, a thrift shop or a fire sale, or otherwise recycled. We have laughed it off, decided that they are eccentric and disposed of the gifts.
I can understand used books, clothing, jewelry and toys, but last Christmas, they went a bit too far. Our teenage son received an assortment of used aftershave -- complete with mildew on the bottles. He just laughed and tossed it in the trash. My husband and I, however, felt insulted.
These people are financially well to-do. They see our children only when they visit on birthdays or Christmas. They stay through dinner and leave just before dessert is served. Then, we don't hear from them until the next major event. When we ask them to spend more time with the grandchildren, they make all kinds of excuses for why they can't manage it. After being rebuffed numerous times, our children have stopped asking about them.
Ann, if it's "the thought that counts," what thought can there be behind such insulting gifts? I hesitate to ask them, because I do not want to hurt my husband, but I would appreciate your opinion. -- Daughter-in-Law in Englewood, Fla.
Dear Englewood, Here are a few adjectives: cheap, no-class, stingy, tightwads, and toss in stupid, weird and kooky, since they apparently believe they are getting away with it. How sad that they're missing out on their grandchildren's lives. When their crummy gifts arrive, just toss them in the trashcan, and let it go at that. Would you believe a woman in Minnesota wrote to tell me that last Christmas she got the same fruitcake she had given the woman two years before?
Dear Ann Landers, My 32-year-old daughter is getting married for the second time. My daughter and I have a good relationship, but my ex-wife and I barely speak. She and my daughter made all the wedding preparations and paid for the whole thing without any assistance from me. I received a wedding invitation, but it excluded my fiancee, "Greta."
Greta and I have been together for the past six years. During this time, my daughter has visited us often and always seemed comfortable with the relationship. Greta is very hurt and angry that she was not invited to the wedding. She asked me to speak to my daughter about the "oversight" and said that if no invitation was forthcoming, I should not go to the wedding, either.
I spoke to my daughter, who told me it was the expressed desire of her mother, my ex-wife, not to invite Greta. My daughter receives a lot of financial help from her mother and is obviously reluctant to go against her mother's wishes.
What should I do? If I attend the wedding alone, Greta will think I let her down. If I don't go at all, my daughter will assume I favor my fiancee over her and will be crushed. Any suggestions would be appreciated. -- Dad in Bonita, Calif.
Dear Dad, Greta should have been invited to the wedding because she has been your significant other for six years. She was not invited, however, which means she is not welcome. It would be classy of Greta to say, "Go -- have a good time, and bring me a piece of wedding cake." If she does not choose to be gracious, go anyway.
This is your daughter's day, and her wish to have you there takes precedence.
