Dear Ann Landers, My jaw dropped when I read the letter from the woman who had been married for 14 years to a man who had shown no interest in sex since the day they married. That letter could have been written by me.
You told the woman she had a "clinker in her thinker" for staying with him. My comment is, "Well, maybe yes and maybe no." Where I come from, marriage means a lot more than just sex. I was taught that marriage is forever. Also, it defines one's social status, not to mention one's income bracket.
For years, I thought I was doing something wrong. I tried to change. It didn't work. I then decided to end my sexless marriage, get a job and support myself. I divorced my husband two years ago. The cold shoulder I received in this small, conservative town was unbelievable. People here assume that if a man isn't beating his wife or running around, she has no legitimate reason to leave him.
So, Ann, sometimes it's not the woman but the culture that has a "clinker in its thinker." -- Small Town in Kansas
Dear Kansas, It sounds as if you asked yourself that old Ann Landers question: "Are you better off with him or without him?" And you decided you were better off without him, even though it meant getting a job. Good for you! I'm sure your life is infinitely better. Keep reading for more on this subject:
No City, N.Y.: I have been in a sexless marriage for more than 14 years, and I definitely do not have a "clinker in my thinker." I agree it can be difficult at times, but there's a lot more to marriage than what goes on in the bedroom. My husband and I have been through a lot together, and our love continues to grow stronger. If a spouse were injured and became unable to have sex, would that be a reason for divorce? The vow says, "For better or for worse, in sickness and in health."
San Pedro, Calif.: I read the letter from "Older and Wiser in Maine," who spent 14 years in a sexless marriage. I would bet anything the man is either gay or asexual. One thing is certain -- he is not normal, and neither is she if she is willing to settle for a sexless marriage.
Boothwyn, Pa.: I disagree with your assumption that a woman must be nuts to stay married for 14 years to a man who wanted no more sex after they married. I am 33, and my husband is 40. In the six years we have been man and wife, he has never been interested in sex, and believe me, I have tried everything. He says he loves me, he is an excellent father, but he doesn't like sex and refuses to see a counselor. My faith tells me divorce is a sin, and I wouldn't consider it unless he were abusing me or our child. As soon as I get the money together, I will see a therapist and get some help. I can't handle this on my own.
Portland, Ore.: As if women in these sexless marriages aren't suffering enough, you add to their pain by saying we are also mental cases. Twenty-five years ago, after only six months of marriage, my husband said he didn't know why he married me. I was devastated. I could have married any one of several men but chose this nitwit because he seemed so respectful of me. He turned out to be a cold fish and abusive. Of course, there was no sex. He made me quit my job, so I am dependent on him for money. He has convinced me that I am too stupid to do anything on my own. Life holds no pleasure. I am miserable.
And now this is Ann talking. For "Portland" and all other readers who are in sexless marriages, I would like to say: If you aren't interested in sex and don't want to be bothered, and your mate is of the same mind, fine, it's nobody's business. But the good Lord gave us this gift, and it is sad not to appreciate it and use it, and this goes for both men and women. As for Portland, get a job, leave the tyrant, and regain your self-respect.
Dear Ann Landers, Two weeks ago, when I came home from the supermarket, I found a note from my husband saying there was too much pressure in his life and he needed to get away. I immediately checked our bedroom and found that all his clothes were gone.
A few days later, I learned he already had another apartment and a new phone number, which proved he had been planning his escape for quite some time. I had an awful feeling of betrayal when I realized that the person I had been sleeping next to for so many years would plan to sneak off and leave me without saying a word.
The note he left said he would contact me in a few days. It has been nearly a week, and I haven't heard from him. My friends tell me I should phone him and find out exactly what he has in mind, but I don't want to do that. After all, he is the one who left, and I think he should make the first move. Please give me some advice. -- Confused in the Midwest
Dear Midwest, Don't rush. Let the dust settle. Wait another week. If you don't hear anything by then, call and tell him you need to know what his plans are so you can make yours. You gave me no clue as to your age, how long you have been married or what your financial status is. If I knew more about your situation, I could be more helpful. Good luck.
Dear Ann Landers, My husband and I have been married for 18 years. We have two fine children. Five years ago, my husband had an affair. I was devastated when I learned about it, but I did forgive him.
He promised never to see the woman again, and he has kept his word.
Here's the problem, Ann. The woman has kept in close touch with my in-laws for the past five years. My mother-in-law is well aware that this is very upsetting to me, but she continues to be friendly to the would-be home wrecker. Even my husband has asked his mother to stop seeing the woman, but she continues to be chummy. We moved from Florida partly to get away from this unpleasant situation, and believe it or not, this woman had the gall to move to this same small town.
My nerves are completely shot, and I am beginning to develop health problems because of this. Can you help me? -- Hurt in Alabama
Dear Alabama, You cannot do anything about that woman, but you can do something about yourself. Get some counseling at once. I've often said, "Nobody can take advantage of you without your permission," and the same goes for "torturing." You must put on an emotional raincoat and let whatever comes your way slide off.
As for your mother-in-law, you have no right to dictate to her whom she should socialize with, so again, dear, put on that raincoat. Meanwhile, your doctor can give you something to settle your nerves.
Dear Ann Landers, I have been reading your column for a long time, hoping someone would write in about my problem, but it hasn't happened, so here I am.
My husband is 52 years old. We have been married for 15 years. Although I was a willing and responsive partner, I realized early on he wasn't particularly interested in sex after the newness wore off. He said he would rather make the moves -- then didn't. Then I had to be the aggressor, or absolutely nothing would happen.
A bigger problem, however, is his thumb sucking. It started about a year ago. When I enter the room, he will jerk his thumb out of his mouth. He does this while watching TV or after dinner when he reads the paper. I'm concerned because it seems to be getting worse with time.
I find this very distressing, but there are many positives to our relationship. He is a hard worker and a wonderful grandfather, and he acts as if he loves me dearly. I am too tired for a major life change and too humiliated to discuss this with anyone but you. Please respond in print. -- No Name, No City
Dear N.N.N.C., Your husband's thumb sucking may be a major turnoff, but it is not grounds for divorce. Actually, it is a release from stress. The thumb sucking helps him revisit his early years, when life was peaceful and uncomplicated. Some men drink when life gets stressful. Others cheat. I hope he will consider counseling because this man needs help.
Dear Ann Landers, Are you sick and tired of hearing from disgruntled bridesmaids? I hope you will print one more letter.
I have a message for bridesmaids who complain about the expense of buying pink dresses with shoes to match.
I was married a year ago and went out of my way to accommodate my bridesmaids. Those who accepted were told they could choose the style of dress they wanted from the six or seven I liked. Only one showed up at my house to make a selection. I found a seamstress who would make the dresses at a reasonable price ($60 each), and I bought the material. Then, I found a wholesale shoe store that sold me the matching shoes (already dyed) for $13 a pair. Each bridesmaid had a total bill of $73.
If they hate their dresses, too bad. And what they do with them after the wedding is no concern of mine. If a friend doesn't want to make the small sacrifice, she should say, "Sorry, no," when asked to be in the wedding party. If she agrees to accept the honor, she should buy the dress and shoes and shut up. -- No Name in Fla.
Dear No Name, You sound like a practical (and tough) lady, but I can't argue with a thing you've said. Your last line is worth repeating, so I'll do just that: If she agrees to accept the honor, she should buy the dress and shoes and shut up.
