Dear Ann Landers, My wife has cancer. We have been battling it for six years, and short of a major miracle, she will die from it. I am not asking for sympathy.
We are living our lives as fully as we can, and we are not shy about discussing all aspects of this battle when it comes to our children, friends and family.
Here is my problem: I find it painful when friends say to her, "Get well soon." It hurts to hear these words. They sound so phony, as if she had a broken leg. My wife will NOT get well, soon or ever, for that matter, and everybody knows it, including her. I haven't said anything about this because I know these people mean well, but it makes me want to scream every time I hear it.
These friends are important to us, and I don't want to offend them by telling them to stop saying that, so I'm hoping if you print my letter, it will help. - Granada Hills, Calif.
Dear Granada Hills, Here's your letter, but it won't help. People are going to continue to say, "Get well soon," no matter what you say, even though they, too, know your wife is terminal. Play the game. The phrase is intended to be comforting.
Dear Ann Landers, I have two sons. My older son, "Randall," is unmarried. Last year, he had to give up his apartment when his lease ran out, so for several months, he lived with his younger brother, "Eddie," and his wife, "Gussie." I accidentally overheard a conversation and learned that Randall and Gussie were having an affair.
I immediately told Eddie what was going on. He promptly confronted his wife and brother. They confessed everything.
Now, all three of them are angry with me. Eddie finally has started to speak to me again after months of silence, but Gussie still won't talk to me. That doesn't bother me much because I never liked her. Meanwhile, Randall hasn't said one word to me since the affair.
Was I wrong to tell Eddie about the affair? I couldn't bear to see my younger son being made a fool by his wife, and I didn't think it was right for Randall to be involved with her under any circumstances. It breaks my heart that my children are so upset with me. Is there any way to fix this? -- A Sorry Mom in Iowa
Dear Sorry Mom, While your moral stance was understandable, you created a great deal of animosity, and it will take time to repair the damage. You owe an apology to Randall, Eddie and Gussie (even though you don't like her). I suggest that you drop a note to each of them and ask for forgiveness. This should serve as a lesson to you. Vow to carry no more tales. Sometimes, they kill the messenger.
Dear Ann Landers, I am a 20-year-old college student living with three other roommates the same age. One of our roommates, "Gloria," is causing a lot of problems for the rest of us. She is dating a married man. This isn't the first time she has been involved in an inappropriate relationship, but I didn't know about her entanglements until after we moved in together.
The man Gloria is dating now is a lot older and has kids in their late 20s. He doesn't hide his cheating. In fact, he wants us to invite him over to "hang out." Gloria bragged about their sexual relationship, and his wife found out about it. She has been calling our house to see if her husband is here. Now, Gloria demands that we not answer the phone or, if we do, that we lie to the man's wife.
We have lost all respect for Gloria and would like to kick her out, but none of us has the guts. I feel horrible for this man's family and do not want to be caught in a confrontation with his wife. Please give us some suggestions on how to handle this situation. -- Beside Ourselves in Oregon
Dear Oregon, Give Gloria notice: Either she stops seeing that married man, or she will have to move out at the end of the month. Be firm about it. Let her know that if she doesn't break off the relationship, you are packing her bags and she'll find them on the front porch -- and keep your word.
Dear Ann Landers, I am a 14-year-old girl and have a friend who is dominating my life. "Julia" calls me so often, my family has started making up excuses why I can't come to the phone. She invites me to her house every day. I usually decline because her brothers are foul-mouthed and Julia constantly gets into fights with her mother. Every time I go there, I come home feeling upset.
I no longer enjoy Julia's company, but she makes me feel so guilty that I wind up making plans with her anyway. I feel sorry for her because she doesn't seem to have any other friends. What makes it even worse is that she gets angry and jealous when I go out with other girls and don't include her. Frankly, my other friends don't like her. She's overly critical and says hurtful things.
I don't know how to get out of this relationship. I don't want to harm her obviously fragile self-confidence, so I lie about how much I value her friendship. When I think of how stuck I am in this situation, I end up in tears. Please tell me what to do. -- New Jersey
Dear N.J., You are very kind to remain friendly with Julia, even though she is domineering and difficult. You need not let her run your life, however. Make dates with other girls, and if Julia doesn't like it, too bad.
Dear Ann Landers, For 10 years, I was a stand-up comic and moderately successful. After a show, I liked to chat, but some people didn't understand the show was over, or they had a joke to tell me. If I never again hear, "Three guys are in a bar," I will die happy. I often ran for the exit the second my act was over. I hated doing that, because many people just wanted to say they enjoyed the show.
I know people are just trying to be friendly, but comics don't have the luxury of saying, "I've finished my gig," or they would appear rude and arrogant. Life on the road is very lonely, but after accepting after-show dinner invitations a few times, I realized people didn't want to have dinner with me; they just wanted more entertainment.
So, folks, we love to talk with you after the show because you are often the catalysts for spectacular stories, but please leave the jokes at home. -- Stop Me If You've Heard This One in Rochester, N.Y.
Dear N.Y., Every comic who reads this is going to bless you for what you have written. You sang their song.
