Dear Ann Landers,
For 10 years, I was a stand-up comic and moderately successful. After a show, I liked to chat, but some people didn't understand the show was over, or they had a joke to tell me. If I never again hear, "Three guys are in a bar," I will die happy. I often ran for the exit the second my act was over. I hated doing that, because many people just wanted to say they enjoyed the show. I know people are just trying to be friendly, but comics don't have the luxury of saying, "I've finished my gig," or they would appear rude and arrogant. Life on the road is very lonely, but after accepting after-show dinner invitations a few times, I realized people didn't want to have dinner with me; they just wanted more entertainment. So, folks, we love to talk with you after the show because you are often the catalysts for spectacular stories, but please leave the jokes at home. -- Stop Me If You've Heard This One in Rochester, N.Y.

Dear N.Y.,
Every comic who reads this is going to bless you for what you have written. You sang their song.

Dear Ann Landers,
My best friend is slitting her wrists. I know she doesn't want to end her life, but whenever she has a bad day at school or problems at home, she cuts herself. The last time she did this, I threatened to tell her parents, but she pleaded with me to keep quiet and promised she would never do it again. We are both 14. She is my best friend, and I want her to be happy and healthy. What can I do to help her? -- Just Me in Philadelphia

Dear Philadelphia,
You must insist that your friend get some counseling at once. She should see the school nurse, the family doctor or her favorite teacher. Self-mutilation is a serious problem and requires immediate attention. Don't delay, and don't let her talk you out of it.

Dear Ann Landers,
I suspect my wife of six years is having an affair. She means a great deal to me, and I don't want a divorce. My suspicions are beginning to wreck my personal and professional life, and I don't know what to do. I recently heard of a TV show that investigates and catches cheating spouses on film. I am seriously considering contacting the producers. Do you think my wife and I would be able to reconcile if I had her investigated and caught her on this show? -- Just Asking in the Big D

Dear Big D,
If you had your wife investigated, and she were caught cheating, and it later appeared on TV, your marriage would not stand the chance of the proverbial snowball in hell. I think you need some professional help, Mister. Please get it.

Dear Ann Landers,
I am 34 years old and about to have my first baby. My husband and I are thrilled beyond words. So what's the problem? When I told my dad that he is about to become a grandfather, he said, "Not really. I am not your father." I was devastated when he told me that and immediately confronted my mother. She said, "Your dad doesn't know what he is talking about." My father says, "Your mother knows the truth and is lying through her teeth." I don't know what to make of this. Should I have a paternity test done to settle this once and for all, or should I just drop it? Why would my father tell me such a thing after all these years? I am in a state of shock. Please help me figure this out. -- Totally Baffled in Spokane, Wash.

Dear Spokane,
In order to prove paternity through a DNA test, you and your father would have to be tested. I doubt that your father would be willing to do this. Your mother appears to be much more stable. Take her word for it. For your father to tell you at this stage of your life that he is not your real dad suggests that he may be a few bricks short of a load. Let's hope that when the baby comes, he will be so thrilled that he will forget about this nonsense.

Dear Ann Landers,
I have been thinking about that letter from "Left-Brained in South Carolina." He complained that his wife and children were terribly absent-minded, constantly losing keys, glasses and wallets. They put empty peanut butter jars back in the cabinet and containers in the fridge without the tops screwed on. He once found his wife's purse in the freezer. My wife has the same problem. She is not stupid, just forgetful. (I once found her handbag in the oven.) I have a few suggestions that could help families worldwide avoid domestic strife: Keep a desk with a drawer that locks. Anything I don't want my wife to get her hands on goes into that drawer. If I leave it unlocked, it will be my fault if the glue, scissors, pens and stamps disappear. Have several sets of extra keys. Every year, I take my wife's keys and have five copies made. We have a key rack next to the front door that holds five sets. A sixth set is in my locked desk drawer. When my wife loses the fourth set, I go back to the locksmith. Figure out where you want the remote control to be, and make sure it stays there. Ours is on the table next to the couch. It is secured to the table with a long length of sturdy cord and duct tape. She can drop the remote anywhere in the room, and I can always find it. Buy the cheapest pens you can find, and get 20 at a time. I put ours in a can next to the telephone. Every three weeks, I go out and buy new ones. I don't know what my wife does with the pens, and I don't ask because I don't care. Buy duplicates of whatever item keeps disappearing. In our house, it was a corkscrew. I just kept buying a new one every time I went to the grocery store. At the end of a year, some drawers had four corkscrews, and some had none, but I could usually find one when I needed it. I hope these suggestions will help others. I love my wife, and my flexibility has made a big difference in our relationship. -- Ted in California

Dear Ted,
Flexibility? I'd say you are a candidate for sainthood. Your wife is one lucky lady. Gem of the Day: You know you are a senior citizen when you don't care where your wife goes as long as you don't have to go with her.