Dear Ann Landers, You recently printed a letter from parents whom you termed "enablers" because their young adult children still expect money from them. Ann, my husband's situation is exactly the same with his daughter. (She is his only child. I have no children.)
"Linda" quit high school in her senior year and has moved from one mediocre salesclerk job to another. Her father stopped paying child support a year ago, but he still gives her money to live on. She calls him regularly every month crying about one financial emergency or another. My husband sends her $200 or $300 after every tearful call and swears each time that it is the last check he will mail.
My husband saw the column where you said, "Tell such children the bank is closed." He vowed that his "bank" was going to close. I was thrilled. Then, two days ago, we received another well-rehearsed call from Linda, with the same old song and dance. Again, he sent a check.
Ann, how can I convince my husband that he isn't helping Linda by caving in every month when her bills are due? He won't listen to me. He tells me I know nothing about children since I don't have any. We've been together for 12 years. We get along beautifully. I love him and want to stay with him forever. This is the only major conflict we have, but I am a nervous wreck every time the phone rings. Do you have any advice for me? -- Rebecca in Mississippi
Dear Rebecca, Yes, I do. Lay off. You have spoken your piece, and it has not made a particle of difference. The problem isn't financial; it's emotional. And it isn't YOUR problem; it's his. So swallow it, dear, and don't let this issue ruin your relationship. That grabby daughter would then have her daddy all to herself, and wouldn't that be nice?
Dear Ann Landers, I've read many letters in your column from children who wonder how to get elderly parents to quit driving. I need to tell you about my dad. On his 89th birthday, he was still driving and doing a good job of it. His request for his birthday was that I go with him for a ride and buy him a cup of coffee. We had a wonderful time together. When we arrived home, he handed me the car keys and said, "I've driven more than 70 years and have never had an accident, and now, it's time to quit." It was his birthday, but what a gift he gave to us.
You can sign this letter -- Proud To Be Rudy's Daughter, Jamestown, N.Y.
Dear Jamestown, What a sweetheart your dad is. I hope his example will encourage other elderly drivers to do likewise. It would be the best gift their concerned children could ever receive.
Dear Ann Landers, I am the grandmother of a child who was put up for adoption. It was an open adoption, which means the adoptive parents send my son photographs and letters so he knows how his child is doing. The adoptive parents are lovely people, and my grandson is doing wonderfully. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for them.
Every Christmas and birthday, I send gifts to my grandson because I want him to know I care about him. The adoptive parents have a second child, and I make sure to send gifts to that child, too. The rest of my family disagrees with this. They say I should distance myself from the boy and stop keeping in touch with the adoptive parents.
Tell me, Ann, are they right? Is it a mistake for me to maintain a relationship with this child? The adoptive parents have never asked me to back off, nor has my son objected to my presence in the boy's life. Christmas will be here soon, and I would appreciate your opinion. -- Torn in Texas
Dear Texas, Who, exactly, is "the rest of the family," and what business is it of theirs? These people who are giving you this bum advice should be told you are dealing with the matter in your own way and that all parties involved are satisfied with how things are being handled. (That is shorthand for MYOB, and if they don't get it, spell it out for them.) Keep reading for a different kind of Grandma story:
Dear Ann Landers, My husband's mother passed away four years ago. His father remarried not long after, but my husband hasn't taken to his stepmother very well. He never speaks to her unless he absolutely has to.
Although there never has been an argument or a fight between them, the tension is obvious, and it is uncomfortable for everyone.
About two months ago, I had a long talk with my father-in-law and let him know that his son wanted a closer relationship. The minute I opened my mouth, his wife jumped in, made all kinds of accusations and stormed out. I admit I might not have been very diplomatic in my approach, but I figured it was best to be honest and lay my cards on the table. Apparently, that was the wrong thing to do.
I have apologized to his wife for being so frank, but I cannot change the way I feel. Now, the woman avoids us completely, and I think she is persuading my father-in-law to do the same. I am afraid I have made things worse, and now, I want to make the situation better. Any ideas? -- Lost in Louisiana
Dear Louisiana, It is said that distance lends enchantment, and in this case, I recommend it -- for a while, at least. Maintain contact, but don't rehash the argument. Let the situation cool down. Don't try to butter up the woman or be obsequious. Just be pleasant. Ignore the past, and let time do its work.
Lonesome? Take charge of your life and turn it around.
Dear Ann Landers, I would like to address this message to the grown children of widowers who are involved in relationships with widows in the evening of their lives. Many of these children do not understand how important we are to one another, and they treat us as if we were "intruders." To these children, I would like to say:
I am the one who makes sure your father takes along a jacket so he doesn't get chilled in an air-conditioned movie theater.
I am the one to whom he tells all his life stories, often more than once, and I still listen to them respectfully.
I am the one who goes to the doctor with him, at his request, to help him remember what the doctor says.
I am the one who plays cards with him as we listen to music, just to keep him company and because I like him.
I am the one who watches that he doesn't eat the foods the doctor has told him he shouldn't have.
I am the one who sits by his bedside in the hospital, making sure he is cared for, fluffing his pillow, speaking to the doctors, reporting back to you and, finally, driving him home to his apartment.
I am also the one who respects and admires your father, values his opinion, appreciates his kindnesses, loves his affection, revels in his compliments and needs his companionship.
You should call me now and then and let me know you are pleased that I am in your father's life. -- Florida Widow
Dear Florida, I wonder how many sons and daughters who read your letter today will make that phone call? I'll bet it will be more than you think.
