Dear Ann Landers, I just got a phone call from my son. He said, "I've been arrested for possession of marijuana with intent to distribute." I knew he had used marijuana on occasion, but I'm sure he never tried to sell it. A lawyer told me if someone is caught with marijuana, chances are the police will add "intent to distribute," even in the absence of supporting evidence. The accusation of intent changes the crime from a misdemeanor to a felony.
Ann, my son is a good kid who attends college and has a part-time job. He didn't hurt anyone. He didn't steal anything. He didn't cheat anybody. He was caught with marijuana for his own personal use, and for this, he could get 30 years in prison.
He has never gotten so much as a parking ticket.
I don't approve of smoking grass, nor do I approve of smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol. But this punishment seems excessive. I can't help but think of the thousands of families who have suffered this same horror. These harsh laws hurt us all. People who criminalize marijuana believe users are dangerous addicts in dark trench coats, lurking near playgrounds, ready to pounce on young children.
I plead for compassion for those who are hurting only themselves when they use dangerous substances. What they need is counseling and medical intervention, not prison. Harsh laws don't work. Furthermore, it costs us a fortune in taxes to prosecute and incarcerate people who pose no danger to society. Enough. -- A Sad Mother in Va.
Dear Sad Mother, I'm sad about your son's predicament. If the police added "intent to distribute" without real evidence, your son will need the help of a competent lawyer who can get those charges dismissed.
I have long believed the laws regarding marijuana are too harsh. Those who keep pot for their own personal use should not be treated as criminals. Thirty years in prison makes no sense whatsoever. I'm with you.
Dear Ann Landers, My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We have a wonderful marriage and two terrific children. The problem I am writing about involves my husband's brother. He is gay.
"Rick" is a great person and a devoted uncle to our children. Until now, we haven't had a problem with Rick or his live-in companion, "Dennis." Our children think of Dennis as their uncle's friend. The two of them have been together for 20 years. Everything was fine until Rick and Dennis decided to get "married" and asked our 9-year-old daughter to be the flower girl at their wedding.
I am raising my children to believe that marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman. I do not want my daughter to participate in Rick's wedding. My husband feels the same way. In fact, he doesn't even want to go. So far, the only comment my daughter has made is "I am too old to be a flower girl."
I am not prejudiced against gay people, Ann, but I do not condone that lifestyle, either. Please tell me what to do. -- Dilemma in the Dairy State
Dear Dilemma, Gay couples who wish to have a ceremony to celebrate their union should not be asking a 9-year-old to participate. It would be too confusing. A service for those in the inner circle would be OK, but please, no children. Tell your brother-in-law that your daughter will not be participating. (P.S. I agree with her that a 9-year-old is a bit beyond the "flower girl" range.)
Dear Ann Landers, I have a wife and two sons, ages 15 and 12. I love them dearly, but they are so scatterbrained, they drive me nuts.
They constantly are losing keys, glasses, hairbrushes and wallets. They put empty peanut butter jars back in the cabinet and containers in the fridge without the tops screwed on. I once found my wife's purse in the freezer.
I am one of those people who likes everything in its place. I have started hiding items from my family so I can find them when needed. I used to lend my wife and kids the scissors or Scotch tape, but I would never see those things again. Now, I refuse to let my family use any of my belongings.
I'm sure I drive them as crazy as they drive me, but the truth is, they are the ones who need to change. I have pleaded with them to recognize how frustrating their forgetfulness is to me, but they simply laugh and ask, "Where's the TV remote?" (We have at least three, none of which they can locate.)
Do you have a solution to this problem? -- Left-Brained in South Carolina
Dear Left-Brained, I can tell you they will never change, so stop eating yourself up over their "forgetfulness." It must be difficult for a neatnik such as you to live with slobs, but accept with grace that which you cannot change. It's a no-hoper.
Dear Ann Landers, Last New Year's Eve, my 15-year-old daughter had a party for her friends, under my supervision, of course. At midnight, while I was busy passing out soft drinks and food, I turned around to see "John," my 40-year-old boyfriend, kissing one of my daughter's 16-year-old friends. This was no ordinary peck on the cheek. The kiss was on the lips, and John's hands were planted firmly on her behind. The girl's arms were wrapped around his neck.
When I confronted Mr. Hot Stuff later that night, he said he'd had too much to drink and didn't know what he was doing. John has apologized at least five times, but I can't seem to get that steamy scene out of my mind. He is a caring, wonderful man with a heart of gold, and we get along very well. As far as I know, he has been 100 percent faithful. Until this happened, I was sure he was Mr. Right.
Should I forgive him for this one lapse, or is it a red flag that signifies a major character flaw? I need your advice. -- Unsure in Columbia, Ohio
Dear Columbia, I opt for the one-lapse explanation this time. Accept it. Alcohol can do strange things. Consider this a dead issue, and suggest that John stick to cola on future occasions.
Dear Ann Landers, The letter from "Totally Baffled in Spokane" really struck a chord with me. "Baffled" wondered why her father would wait until she was pregnant before suddenly declaring that he wasn't her real dad.
I am living that same nightmarish scenario. I have struggled my entire life to keep the dark secret that our son is a product of my wife's affair. I feel sorry for "Baffled," since she did nothing to deserve this pain, but I also understand her father. I have spent years pretending to be happily married to a woman who ruined my life.
I am continually plagued by the thought that my son should know who his biological father really is, especially when the time comes for him to become a father himself. I would tell him, but I can't bear the thought of his suffering. I plan to carry this secret to my grave. -- Anonymous in California
Dear California, I assume you have some kind of proof of this and that the boy's biological father is still living. Does he know about this son? I suggest you discuss this dilemma with a wise physician, lawyer or clergyperson and ask for guidance. I am reluctant to advise you on a matter of such grave importance, knowing so little about the cast of characters. Good luck. You're going to need it.
