, Advice by Ann Landers - []
Section: relationships, sexuality, children

Dear Margo,
My 21-year-old stepson lives with my husband and me. He is a good student at a nearby college and doesn't drink or do drugs. He does, however, bring his girlfriend home frequently, and she stays until the next morning -- in his bed, I should add. My husband doesn't see anything wrong with this, but I believe unmarried people should not be having sex, and they certainly should not invite their girlfriends to stay overnight when they are living in their parents' home. How can I convince my husband and stepson that this is not appropriate behavior? -- Out-Voted in California

Yesterday's Response:

Dear Out-Voted,
I agree that it is not acceptable for your stepson to invite a young woman to stay overnight in your home without your approval. But you are not going to change the behavior of a 21-year-old and shouldn't try. You do, however, have the right to say, "NOT IN OUR HOUSE." Tell your husband I said so.

Today's Response:

Dear Out-Voted,
At that time, and even now, "NOT IN OUR HOUSE" is the parents' choice. It should be said that fewer parents would take this position now because 1) there are co-ed dorms now and 2) views on pre-marital sex have loosened up quite a bit. In the very early years of the column, Mother actually banged the drum for women being virgins until marriage. She changed her mind in a relatively short time as she saw where the culture was going, and hearing how people were actually living. I believe it was her ability to alter her views and keep up with the times that made her relevant throughout a four decades-plus career.
- Margo

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A Note from Margo:
Hi! It's Margo here. I'd love to know what you think of the letters -- and the answers!

Also, any additional thoughts you might have. Thanks!

Tammy's Comment
I agree with the "Not in our house" rule however the young of today do worse than bring a date to stay overnight. Women have babies out of wedlock. I remember when that was the worst thing to do and it kept many girls from gettimg pregnant and even getting abortions on the downlow. Now theres girls who have babies and thn live at home while being supported by their parents. I think sex before marriage is fine...just be an a responsible adult if you plan on doing it.

Mary C's Comment
I would think twice about "not in my house" because you may not see much of him. As long as there is discretion, ie, no in-your-face loud noises, or nudity, or snarky "I know you don't like it but that's just too bad!" comments, be kind. Try to understand that this is a different time. There is so much more current bad behavior that you are not having to experience

Reader Comment
You don't say how long you have been his step mother. Yes, he should have asked first, but since it has been allowed to happen, hard to backtrack now, his father is ok with it, so I suggest you let it go. He is a good kid, getting good grades, not into drinking or drugs, count your blessings.
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Our Reader to Reader Question of the Week:

Dear Readers,
, whatever they needed I provided. What really hurt my son and I the most was the obituary - we were not mentioned at all. Our friends (mine and hers) were appalled. I was embarrassed and upset for not just me, but for my son-who loved her also. I never been so upset. Her x-husband put his wife and kids and their grandchildren in the obituary, who my girlfriend barely knew. They live an hour away from us. I know its silly to be mad over a little section of the newspaper, but it still hurts. Will time let this devastating loss of her and this article ever go away? I am so angry at this whole situation, its not like we can go and rewrite an obituary notice.

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"Nobody gets to live life backward. Look ahead, that is where your future lies."
-Ann Landers