Dear Ann Landers,
s it true that musk oil will turn a man on? My hus-band is forty-six years old and sexually dead as a doornail. I've seen this musk oil advertised, but $ 11 is a lot of money for a little bottle. If you say it will help I will buy it.

dear ann,
I'm a career girl, twenty-eight years old, and haven't had more than three real dates in my life. The reason is because I am flat-chested. I mean I don't have any bust at all. All my life I've wanted to have nice round bosoms. Please tell me if this cream will help. (Advertisement enclosed.) As you can see, the "before" and "after" pictures are very convincing. What do you say? dear ann: Is it true that cooking in aluminum will cause cancer? A man came to the door yesterday selling cookware. He scared the life out of me. His utensils cost $450 for the complete set. If what he says is true, about can-cer, I mean, it sure would be worth it. But I hate to throw out these perfectly good pots and pans I've used for ten years. One after another the letters come-from the "exotic dancer" who wants to grow "gorgeous nails in twenty days"-from the overweight housewife who will do anything to get thin except quit eating the things she loves. Then there are the females with bags under their eyes and extra chins who are sure they will look ten years younger if they use the enriched cream (se-cret formula) for thirty days. The trouble is-it's awfully expensive. "But it would be well worth the money if it works," writes Mrs. W. from Sheboygan. "Cheaper than a face lift. And no pain." When men write and ask if the pomade and treatments guaranteed to grow hair will help, I often reply, "Yes. It will help the manufacturer and the man who sells it. They will get rich. As for you, it will help flatten your wallet, but it won't do anything for your bald head." The letters from teenagers are especially pathetic. "My skin is such a mess of pimples and blackheads no girl would go out with me, so I don't even ask. Please don't suggest a doctor. I can't afford one. This soap and cream combi-nation promises results within ten days. What do you think, Ann? And while I'm at it, Ann, maybe you can tell me if this mail-order speech course will help my brother. He stutters. His grades are awful. He's not dumb, he's just ashamed to speak up in class." dear ann: Our sex life is blah after fifteen years. My husband wants to try a sex clinic, but some friends of ours went and you wouldn't believe the things they were asked to do. I don't go for that far-out stuff like changing partners. Frankly, I'm scared. What do you think? The saddest letters of all come from relatives of the desperately ill, those who are dying of cancer, or kidney disease. "Our family doctor said there was nothing more he could do, so we took Mom to this wonderful chiro-practor. She seems a little stronger today. Do you think, Ann, that we should have brought her to the chiropractor from the beginning and not wasted all that time and money on a specialist with a fancy diploma from Harvard hanging on his office wall?" Every letter gets a personal reply in the mail, if there's a name and an ad-dress. I urge my readers to beware of quacks and phonies. I warn them against the charlatans and fakers. More often than I care to admit, I have re-ceived in return a seething reply: "How dare you take away our hope! I'll bet you are on the payroll of the American Medical Association. The medical doctor didn't do anything but send us big bills. Jesus Christ is the greatest healer of them all. Now that we have put our child in His hands, we know everything is going to be all right." How can the public be protected against phonies, quacks and unscrupulous money-grabbers who prey on the insecure, the frightened and the sick? The answer is education. I recommend a book called The Health Robbers, a compilation of material by several outstanding physicians and authorities in the field of health and public information. Some of the chapter titles are: "The Crudest Killers-Exploiting Cancer Victims" "The Pill Pushers-Do You have 'tired blood'?" "The Misery Merchants-Exploiting Arthritis Sufferers" "Weight Control and Diets-Facts and Fads" "The Make-Believe Doctors-Medical Imposters" "Phony Sex Clinics" "The Genuine Fake-Organic Rip-Off" "The Eye Exorcisors-Can You Throw Away Your Glasses?" "Dubious Dentistry" "The Miracle Merchants-Does Faith Healing Really Work?" The Health Robbers was edited by Stephen Barrett, M.D., and Gilda Knight, and published by George F. Stickney Company. credit: Ann Landers. Avoiding Rape During a discussion in the Israeli parliament on the increasing rate of rape, a male member suggested that there be a curfew on women. Golda Meir, then Prime Minister, countered by saying that there should be a curfew on men. They, after all, were the ones doing the raping. This story illustrates my mixed feelings in having to tell women how to change their awareness and behavior because of what men do. Since many men in today's society confuse power, aggression and sex, we must educate women so they can protect themselves. Here are some short-range sugges-tions based on other studies of rape avoidance, primarily those of Medea and Thompson (Against Rape [1974]) and Rape Prevention and Resistance, a study reported by the Queens Bench Foundation in San Francisco (1976). I have learned a great deal from an ongoing study during which I talked with women who were attacked and avoided being raped as well as women who were raped. There is no way to guarantee that you will not be raped. Women of all ages from three-month-old babies to eighty-year-old great-grandmothers have been victims. Women have been raped in their homes and on the streets, in prisons and in mental hospitals, by their fathers, stepfathers, uncles, hus-bands (although this is not illegal in most places), their boyfriends, as well as by strangers. Hopefully, this information will decrease your probability of being raped. I spoke with two women recently (not part of the study). One was a victim and one avoided a rape or a mugging. The difference in attitude and behavior of the two illustrates an important point. The avoider, while waiting alone on an El platform, noticed a man get off on the other side, look at her and then appear on her side of the platform. When he started to walk toward her, she immediately started running to the exits. He followed her but did not follow her down the stairs. She escaped into the street. She did not worry about his thinking she was crazy for running or that he might have taken the wrong train by mistake and was trying to correct it. She thought about herself-not about offending him. The other woman, when her doorbell rang, opened the door and allowed a strange man to come into her apartment because he said that he had car trouble and needed to use the phone. She was nice. She was helpful. She trusted. In short, she exhibited all the traits most of us were taught were "feminine." She was raped. The Queens Bench study finds that "attempted rape victims were more than twice as likely as rape victims to respond in a rude or unfriendly man-ner." Moreover "attempted rape victims were more likely than rape victims to be suspicious of their future assailants" and to trust these feelings even though they didn't know why they felt uneasy. The moral of the story is trust your feelings. You may have picked up cues you are not consciously aware of. These feelings may arise in the course of an apparently friendly conver-sation (prior to the attacker becoming aggressive), since in over half the cases both yictims and offenders reported that the attack was preceded by casual conversation. People always ask what strategy to use if they are attacked. They falsely assume there is one magic strategy. The Queens Bench study found that the attempted rape victims employed more resistance measures than did the rape victims-for example, screaming, physical resistance, talking, fleeing when the opportunity arose. If you can delay the rape by screaming it is possible that someone will call the police and the noise of the siren will frighten him so he will either flee or lessen his grip on you so you can get away. If it is a street situation, a passerby may appear and frighten the would-be rapist. There is no orie strategy that works in all situations. But even if the attack seems imminent keep watching for an opportunity to get away. Learn as much as you can about rape and rape prevention. A large per-centage of attempted rape victims say they remembered advice or informa-tion about rape prevention. Learn self-defense or street fighting through a special course designed for and preferably taught by women. These courses do more than teach you a martial art such as karate or judo. They teach you how to confront men who hassle you in the street, in public transportation, in theaters-men who make obscene phone calls. These courses heighten your awareness and ability to cope with the "little rapes" that occur in our daily lives. Such training is useful in dealing with more serious situations. While at this point I have only spoken with five women who had taken such courses, all of them avoided at-tempted rapes. They did not necessarily use the techniques they were taught. My analysis is that in order to take such a course you have to have a more realistic view of the world, and the course validates that view. (This view is not paranoid. It is realistic.) It develops your confidence and skills through practice. The support of other women encourages you to believe that you, too, can do it. And your awareness is heightened so that you are more likely to respond like the woman on the El platform than like the woman who let the man into her apartment to use her phone. You can find out if courses on self-defense are available in your area and how to contact the organizers by calling the local YWCA, the Women's Cen-ter or Women's Studies office at a local college or university, a women's bookstore or newspaper if you are lucky enough to live in a community that has such resources. Or you can ask your librarian to obtain a copy of Black Belt Woman, a journal for women involved in self-defense for women. If there is no listing or advertisement in that magazine for courses in your area, write to them and ask where the nearest course is and whom to contact. Probably over half the rapists are men who know their victims. They may not define themselves as rapists, but in fact they have forced the woman to have sex (of any kind) against her will. Medea and Thompson found that the largest category of these known rapists was friends of friends or of rela-tives. One woman told me she had just been raped by two of her husband's friends. She let them into the house since they said they wanted to wait for him and she made the mistake of being too trusting. We have been taught to be hospitable, never to turn away from our door someone we know, even if we know them ever so slightly. But rape is worse. And once you have let someone in your house not only is it more difficult to avoid rape than if you were assaulted on the street, but it is more difficult to press charges and obtain a conviction. Never let any man into your house un-less you can completely trust him, especially if you are alone. If he wants to use the phone and you feel obligated to meet his need, keep the chain on the door and get the number, telling him you will make the call for him. Similarly if someone you do not know asks you for something on the street keep on walking or answer in an abrupt manner. After reading Against Rape, I was out alone late one night when a man asked me if he were walking in the cor-rect direction to get to the El station. I nodded yes even though the directions he needed were more complicated. But my car was parked on a dark street near a vacant lot and I didn't want to take a chance. Because I was raised to be polite and helpful I felt guilty about that incident for months. But I did the correct thing under the circumstances. Medea and Thompson also suggest that when you go out, at night, dress so that you can flee easily. That means wear flat-heeled shoes and avoid long skirts. It also means avoid having your arms encumbered with purses and packages. Backpacks are very useful. You won't look glamorous, but you'll be safer. And since some rapists look for women who appear vulnerable, dressing sensibly, particularly if you walk with confidence and seem to know where you are going, may deter such men. I should point out that we know very little about rapists. So far, we have been unable to put them in any par-ticular category. A rapist can be anybody. Here is more common-sense advice from people who work in the field of sexual assault: Car: Always keep all your doors locked. Even if they were locked when you parked your car, check the inside of your car before you get in. If possible, keep the windows closed, particularly when you stop at inter-sections. Keep plenty of gas in your tank so you won't run out and have to leave your car and walk to a station. If you have car trouble, unless you can fix it yourself, raise your hood, lock your door, turn on your flasher and wait for a patrol car. If the neighborhood is safe, lock the car and phone for as-sistance. Do not accept help from passing motorists. Apartment or house: Carry your keys in your hand as you approach your house or apartment so you can enter immediately. A woman in a corri-dor is easy prey. When you select an apartment avoid the ground floor or one that has a balcony that can be reached from the street. If you live on the ground floor have bars on your window or window locks. Have dead-bolt locks on your doors. The Queens Bench study reports that "often the assail-ant illegally entered the woman's home through an open window or unlocked door." Street: Think of the street as enemy territory. If financially possible, take a cab if you are out alone at night, or try to share a ride with a friend, rather than walking or taking public transportation. Conclusion: Some readers may resent the suggestions presented in this ar-ticle. No woman wants her life restricted. But until we change society (and if we don't, who will?) women are not free. To pretend that we are is only a delusion, it is dangerous. credit: Pauline B. Bart, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Sociology, Department of Psychiatry, Abraham Lincoln School of Medicine, University of Illinois in Chicago; and principal investigator of "Avoiding Rape: A Study of Victims and Avoiders." Rape (What to Do if It Happens to You) If you are raped, what you should do depends on the community resources available to you as well as your personal resources at this particular time of crisis in your life. It also depends on what you feel you can manage. All rape victims need to know that it is a crime of violence, not a sexual crime. Though many women feel guilty about being raped and think of all the things they might have done to have prevented it, it is important to remember that being raped is not your fault any more than being robbed. Whatever you did, or did not do, no one has the right to have sex with you against your will. How long it takes to recover from being raped depends on the quality of support you get from your family and friends, how you are treated by the in-stitutions you deal with (such as police and the courts) and your past his-tory, notably any prior sexual exploitations such as incest or child abuse as well as prior history of violence, such as battering. In addition, the circum-stances of the rape may have a relationship to the length of time it takes you to recover from "the rape victim trauma." You should also remember that it may take a year to get over even the main side effects, although some women are able to recover quite quickly. If it takes you a long time, it doesn't mean something is wrong with you any more than there would be something wrong with you if you healed slowly after major surgery. Your body was invaded. You felt powerless. Your trust may have been violated. You may have been in a life-threatening situation and thought you were going to be killed. If, after rape, you are especially cautious, this does not mean you are paranoid. You may, in fact, be thinking more rationally than you were before the attack when you were too trusting. Ideally you should know in advance what resources are available to a rape victim in your community. Let us assume, however, that you do not have the information. Let us also assume that the police are not present, as they may be if someone heard you scream and called them. First, telephone the person you trust the most. A friend, a relative, a lover or a spouse. Ask that person to come to be with you. It occasionally happens that a person you thought you could count on does not react supportively to the news of your rape. This is not a reflection on you but on them. Call another person. Then con-tact a rape crisis line. If you do not have the number, get it from Informa-tion. If you are fortunate, you will be put through immediately to a trained counselor who can tell you what options are available. For example, in Seat-tle you can obtain treatment in a hospital that has a special program for rape victims and the hospital does not have to report your name to the police. They tell the police only the technique the rapist used so they can check the information you give with other information. The more information the bet-ter the chances of picking him up. The crisis line can tell you which hospitals have rape victim treatment pro-grams, and suggest one nearest you. Sometimes you will speak to a tape or an answering service and be told you will be called back. If you don't want to wait, call the hospitals yourself and find out if they have a special rape treat-ment program with rape victim advocates. If you are able to reach the crisis center usually a woman from the crisis center will accompany you to a hospital and stay with you and function as an advocate, at least until the advocate arrives. She or the advocate will give you moral support, explain the hospital procedures and try to make sure the hos-pital does not break "the chain of evidence" so if you should decide to press charges, the evidence will be there. Do not take a shower or douche before going to the hospital even though you may feel unclean. It will destroy valuable evidence. The reasons for going to the hospital are as follows: First, you can be examined for internal or external injuries. These are not only important in court cases, but also im-portant for all women because they may not be aware of injuries due to the psychological shock of the rape. For example, on occasion anal intercourse will pierce the wall between the anus and the vagina, allowing feces to pass from the former to the latter, causing infection. If you are multiply raped (ei-ther by one person or by a group) you may have internal injuries. The rape victim advocate or nurse who has been trained to act as an advocate will be particularly useful at this point. The pelvic examination may feel like another rape, particularly if the resident or specialist is not sympathetic. Unfortu-nately they have lagged behind other segments of our society in their treat-ment of rape victims, according to not only the victims with whom I have spoken, but scholars who have studied hospital care. You can get a preventive VD shot, although you should return in two weeks and ask for what is called a GC culture, as well as a test for syphilis to make certain you are not infected. Be sure and tell them if you are allergic to any antibiotics. You should be told of the various methods of avoiding pregnancy. First a test should be taken to determine if you are pregnant. Then you should be told that the alternatives are D.E.S. (the morning-after pill), menstrual ex-traction about the time your period should arrive, which would remove the contents of the uterus so that a pregnancy will be prevented, and abortion. You should be given D.E.S. only with informed consent. This means not only should you be told that you may become nauseated, but that the drug has been banned for most other uses (except for victims of rape and incest) because it has caused cancer in daughters of women who have taken it during their pregnancies. Some women would like to take D.E.S. even after having been given the information and you may be one of these (e.g., if you do not feel you could go through an abortion if you became pregnant as a result of the rape). Should you decide to take D.E.S. be sure and take it for the full five days or you may become pregnant and the fetus may be affected. The rape victim advocate should explain this to you. If your mother had D.E.S. when she was pregnant with you, you should not take it. Mention any sore places even if bruises haven't shown up yet. If black and blue marks show up in the next few days you should report them to the rape victim advocacy program at the hospital. This should be added to your rec-ord. You have a right to be treated sensitively by the hospital. If you are not, remember the specific people and incidents and either you or the antirape movement in your city will notify the hospital administrator. If your city or town does not have a special program for treating rape vic-tims and you have a private physician, call him or her. Most hospitals have to call the police, but that does not mean you must prosecute. If your city or town does not have a rape crisis center or crisis phone line, try to locate one in a city near you so you will have somebody with whom you can talk about your feelings. Your best bet is a city or town that has a university. If not, try a general "hot line." The Information operator can often help you locate these services. POLICE Many women do not want to call the police because they have heard about the insensitivity of the police to rape victims. But in the past few years police attitudes, at least to rape by strangers, have improved. The rape crisis line can tell you what to expect from the police. In New York City, for example, the police are for the most part extremely sensitive to rape victims. Many police programs now include policewomen trained to deal with victims of sexual assault. Ask for a policewoman if you prefer to see one. It is your right to decide whether or not to call the police. An advantage of calling the police is that you then have the option of prosecuting. Sometimes you may not feel like it at the time, but you may feel like it later. Have your friend or advocate with you for the police questioning. You may be asked to repeat your story several times. As soon as possible after the rape, write down or tape the account of what happened. If you decide to go to court and the state's attorney or district attorney decides to prosecute, you will have a rec-ord to refresh your memory. The assailant's attorney may try to trick and trap you. The attorney may try to talk to you outside of court. Do not speak with him or her outside of court. Having a record will keep you from "chang-ing your story," which may be used against you. Whether you should prosecute or not depends on the amount of support available to you from your family and friends or from any victim assistance program in your community and what the laws in your state are. For exam-ple, can your past sexual history be brought up? The laws are changing and are now somewhat better for victims of rape than they were. Should you de-cide to prosecute, be aware that there will be many delays (called con-tinuances) in the procedures and you must be prepared to come back again and again. Bring a friend, relative or advocate each time. You will have to see your assailant. It makes most women uncomfortable to do so and that is why it is important to have somebody with you for emotional support. The prosecuting attorney is the state's attorney-not yours (if you want your own attorney, you may file a civil suit for damages). He or she may want to "plea-bargain" to lower the charge from rape to some lesser crime. This does not mean that he/she does not believe you were raped. It means that the attorney does not think the case can be won on a rape charge and is willing to compromise so the assailant will be found guilty. At various stages in the judicial process the case may be dropped or the charges changed. You may not have much power over this process. It is in no way a reflection on you or an invalidation of your suffering, although you may think otherwise. For this reason it is useful to be accompanied at all stages through the judicial system by a person who understands the process. Your city may also have a victim witness assistance project that will give you help. But you must be persistent and determined. Of all felonies, rape has the lowest rate of conviction. While women whose assailants are found guilty and sentenced feel that justice has been done, the others feel disappointed. COUNSELING Most mental health professionals have not had special training in dealing with rape victims. Many women have nightmares, and trouble sleeping. They think they need to move out of their apartments or houses. They feel guilty and anxious and have sexual problems, especially anger toward all men. If these or other symptoms last, and if they are disturbing you, ask an antirape group or a women's center for a list of therapists who specialize in helping women who have been raped. Do not see anyone whom you do not like, even if he or she is recommended. Go on to the next person on the list. The people on the list should have a sliding fee scale. If you are upset after being raped, that does not mean you are crazy. It is normal to have such feelings. If you are in therapy and your therapist is helpful in regard to the rape problem, you should continue to see that person. You might also find it use-ful to read some of the books on rape, such as Medea and Thompson's Against Rape, Susan Brownmiller's Against Our Will, Diana Russell's The Politics of Rape or Burgess and Homstum's Rape and Its Victims. Some women find it therapeutic to join the antirape movement, becoming counselors, giving talks or testifying before official groups. Others find writing about their experience helpful. Attitudes and behavior towards rape victims are changing. Hopefully, if you are raped, your treatment will reflect these changes. credit: Pauline B. Bart, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Sociology, Department of Psychiatry, Abraham Lincoln School of Medicine, University of Illinois in Chicago; Associate Professor of Sociology, University of Illinois, Chicago Circle; principal investigator of "Avoiding Rape: A Study of Victims and Avoiders." Rebellion-Child Against Parents Most people in our society will, during early and late adolescence, engage in behavior or attitudes which are clearly displeasing to their parents. Usually their actions conflict with values their parents hold to be important. It is difficult to know whether these conflicts are simply a normal part of growing up or if they actually represent a powerful attack on the parents or a turning away from their parents' influence. A certain amount of conflict over values between parents and children is normal and probably even desirable. It should not be considered a problem, and the wise parent should welcome his child's efforts to find a sense of indi-viduality and identity. For the purpose of this discussion, it would be better to consider the child's conflict with the parent as rebellion only when it is prolonged and troubling to family members. Rebellion may be an appropriate term when a youth seems motivated to attack his parents' values. It is also likely to be appropriate when there is concern that the child's behavior and attitudes will ultimately be destructive or when the child's actions are causing the parents great embarrassment or grief. A number of value conflicts between parent and child can escalate to a level of tension that can make a family feel they are at war. The most com-mon value disagreements between youth and parents these days relate to practices and attitudes regarding drugs, sex and religion. Many of our young people take a far more permissive attitude toward the use of illegal drugs and toward premarital sex than their parents did at a comparable age. If nei-ther parents nor child can reach a compromise on this issue, the child's be-havior will eventually be seen as rebellion. More recently, serious value conflicts have been developing between ado-lescents and their parents around the issue of religion. A number of youths have insisted upon adopting religious practices which their parents find offen-sive and potentially dangerous to their child's welfare. It is again difficult to determine whether the child is exercising independence or simply expressing resentment and antagonism toward his parents. One kind of rebelliousness, which seems to have diminished since the late 1960s and the early 1970s, is political. These days, fewer youths seem to be questioning the political values of their parents. Youths who are truants, run away from home, refuse to work, and steal or commit other antisocial acts are likely to be expressing some element of re-bellion toward their parents. Here it is important to note that such behavior should not be called rebellion unless it meets with the parents' strong disap-proval, and unless the parents themselves are law-abiding citizens. Sometimes delinquent youths are merely imitating behavior patterns observed at home. There are a number of explanations for rebelliousness among youth. It is important to understand that no single explanation is ever sufficient. Usually several factors are involved in rebellious behavior. Each case must be studied separately. Some explanations may be satisfactory and helpful in under-standing one youth, and other explanations would be more useful in under-standing another. The major explanations focus on social change, problems in the family and problems related to the mental health of the child. In a rapidly changing society, youths are exposed to daily experiences which are quite different than those which their parents knew. These experi-ences may contribute to shaping a value system which is alien to their par-ents. New technologies, such as birth-control pills, television and computers, influence the growing child's life in a manner which parents may have difficulty understanding. Youths are also influenced by media which their parents know little about. Magazines, books, television, movies and even music are often directed specifically at the youth market. All of these media influences can lead to the child's developing attitudes which are in clear conflict with those of the parents. Youths are also deeply influenced by peers. A child's rebelliousness may be determined by his belief that it is more im-portant for him to meet the expectations of his friends than to meet the ex-pectations of his parents. Most behavioral scientists agree that rebelliousness is more likely to occur if the parent raises the child in an extreme manner. Too much overprotec- tiveness and strictness is harmful. Too little guidance, concern and lovingness toward the child are equally damaging. The child who is given little opportu-nity to develop on his own, to experiment or to feel independent may have to assert himself through a rebellious act. On the other hand, the child who knows no limits or who is unloved may rebel as a way of calling attention to his feeling that no one cares about him. Sometimes the rebellious youth is re-sponding to inconsistent value messages from his parents. One parent may be strict, while the other is permissive. Other rebellious youths may be respond-ing to problems between the parents. Parents who are not getting along with one another often turn to their children for satisfaction, or they insist that the child take his or her side. This places a heavy responsibility on the child. Often the child is not ready to assume the burden and will rebel as a means of escaping it. Sometimes youths are rebellious because of severe personal problems. A child may have a neurological disorder which prevents him from putting the kind of control on his impulses which enables him to function in school or in society. His actions will appear as rebellious, although he actually lacks the emotional capacity to control his behavior. Sometimes children with learning difficulties will be especially prone to turn to rebellious behavior. Because they cannot succeed at tasks which other youths accomplish easily and be-cause they have difficulty in gaining praise from others, they may turn to rebellious behavior in an ill-advised effort to gain some sense of belonging, prestige or status. These youths are particularly susceptible to the influence of other delinquent youths. There is also the possibility that the youth has some neurological problems that is affecting his behavior. These illnesses are fortunately rare; but when the child becomes so difficult to handle that he disrupts the family and you suspect he may be heading for serious trouble, he should be taken to a neurologist, who will test him. In dealing with mild to moderate rebelliousness, it is wise for the parent to acknowledge the existence of the problem but to begin by doing as little as possible. Too often, making a big fuss about a minor rebellion only makes the situation worse. The first thing parents should do is question themselves. Are they being too hard on the child? Are they failing to provide enough guidance? Are they being consistent? Sometimes the very process of review-ing one's own role as a parent will help remedy the situation; and often it will provide clues as to what action might be helpful. Parents should make a con-certed effort to understand their child's point of view. It is useful to sit down and talk about their differences with their child in an open, honest, non-con-demning way. None of this means that the parents should allow their children to run wild. When parents feel they cannot tolerate a particular aspect of a child's behav-ior, they need to inform the child of this and communicate as clearly as possi-ble how far they are willing to go in tolerating rebellious behavior. If at-tempts to understand the child and to talk with him are unsuccessful, the setting of firm limits will often work. It is absolutely essential that both par-ents be in agreement as to what limits will be set and how they will be en-forced. Unfortunately, conflicts between parents and youths often escalate these days to the point where communication, understanding and limit-setting are not sufficient to remedy the problem. When this happens, professional help is needed. One of the easiest ways to go about seeking such help is for the whole family to present their problem to a counselor. The rebellious child does not like to be labeled as the person in need of counseling and is more likely to accept help if the problem is defined as a family problem and if all members are willing to admit that they need guidance. Usually it is difficult to simply take the child in hand and dump him in a psychiatrist's office. The counselor will make the decision to work with the entire family or to work alone with the rebellious youth. A decision to work alone with the child is more apt to be accepted if the child knows his parents have been concerned enough to look at their own roles in creating the problem. In summary, it is useful to remind ourselves that rebellious behavior is usu-ally harmless and can disappear as quickly as it appears. For the overwhelm-ing majority of youths rebelling, it is a phase which may cause a great deal of temporary difficulty for parents, but which will pass without permanently harming anyone. For a few youths, in fact, rebellion may be a pathway to their finding themselves and becoming more innovative and creative. Rebelliousness is only a serious problem if it leads to repetitive antisocial behavior. When a child becomes delinquent, it is common for parents to first become angry at the child and then to blame themselves. Self-blame on the part of parents is neither rational nor useful. There are many causes of antisocial behavior. Parents may be partly to blame for a child's antisocial conduct, but there are so many forces influenc-ing such behavior that it is totally irrational for the parents to assume a major burden of guilt. It is best for parents to simply ask themselves what they can do to help the situation, try to change whatever it is they are doing that is harmful and stop blaming themselves. The troubled youth needs parents who are willing to do everything possible to seek help. He does not need parents whose own guilt is so strong that it prevents them from dealing with the youth's antisocial behavior. credit: Seymour L. Halleck, M.D., Professor of Psychiatry, University of North Carolina School of Medicine, Chapel Hill, North Carolina. Reconciliation We are referring here to an attempt to repair a marriage that has fallen apart. It is a problem with many sides and there are no solutions that will work for every couple. Reconciliation is best approached by understanding the strength of the desire of each partner to save the marriage and the intensity of effort each one is willing to commit. It will not work if one mate needs the other desper-ately and will do anything to patch things up while the other partner is merely going through the motions. The interest in reconciliation does not have to be the same in each partner (one can have a greater desire than the other) but they both must be sincere in their wishes that the effort succeed. People grow at different rates and in different directions through the years. They also change in regard to their values and interests. Moreover, marriages have a life of their own. They do not remain the same. They also go through stages. Marriage brings changes. The honeymoon is over-along comes the first child, a new job, etc. Life keeps changing and the mates may react differently to the changes. For example, our present culture has been called the "narcissistic age." These new values direct the individual to take care of himself. The family (past, present and future) becomes secondary to gratify-ing his or her personal pleasures. Both mates may adopt this new set of values or one may and the other may not. Either way, this force from the cul-ture, as well as the different marriage stages mentioned above, contributes to the falling apart of marriages. It it is obvious that not all marriages are worth saving and not all couples should be reconciled. This, however, is not for the "expert" to decide (with one possible exception which I will mention later). It is up to the individuals who must live with the consequences of the divorce. Let me illustrate. Two women had idential situations. Both marriages turned out to be shams. Their husbands were skirt-chasers who had lost physical, emotional and intellectual interest in their wives after the birth of the children. The hus-bands provided nothing beyond financial support. They left all other respon-sibilities to their wives. Both women had been overprotected and sheltered by their parents. When their own children grew up and left home they suffered from the "empty nest syndrome." They became depressed and had to seek psychiatric help. Both their psychiatrists asked to see their husbands. Both husbands refused to come. Finally both women sought and received divorcee with adequate financial settlements. They went through the typical post- divorce period with anxiety and depression. One of the wives, however, found herself. She obtained a job and began to experience the joy of being alone and free. She spoke of never having been happier in her life and no longer mourned the loss of her husband. The other wife was incapable of living alone. Separation and freedom were no joy to her. She missed the safe position of being a married woman. The agonies she suffered when her husband was running around were easier to bear than being alone. She complained that her therapist had misled her, that he should have insisted that she not get a divorce. She misread his sympathy as a personal interest. She did not tell him of her fantasy that he would take her husband's place and make up for all the years when she was neglected. No therapist should tell a woman not to reconcile if she wants to. The one exception is where there is physical abuse. These women, who are willing to experience repeated beatings to keep the marriage together, run the risk of being beaten to death. The advice to these women can be compared to the efforts to prevent a person from committing suicide. The same is true when the husband is a repeated child beater. Then the effort is to prevent the death of the child. Of course, the husbands should be urged to get treatment, but often they refuse and separation is a life-saving measure. Let us take another example that illustrates additional principles. The hus-band was an anxious, dependent, hard-working man, very much in love with his wife. He was a "one-woman" man, a kind and loving father who spent time with and enjoyed his children. But the wife was the leader of the family. She was a bright, cheerful, active person, knowledgeable in the arts and humanities. She was also a fine mother, an excellent sex partner, kind and caring, and she brought excitement into her husband's life. However, she was also interested in almost everything and everybody with whom she came in contact. She had many women friends and many men friends with whom she may or may not have had sexual affairs. His family and friends began to talk about her, which contributed to his jealousy. He separated from her and was miserable. He dated many women and was alter-nately bored and depressed by them. Finally, with help, he made the decision to ignore the gossip. He wanted his wife back and would accept her as she was. He knew she loved him in her own way and that was good enough for him. The point of this example is that partners match up. They have uncon-scious collusions on how to get along together. The match-up need not be perfect for the marriage to work. One must always respect this unconscious collusion that makes for lasting marriages or contributes to successful recon-ciliations. There are other relationships known as unconsummated marriages. These involve wives who, from childhood, fear sexual relations. The husbands are kind, gentle men who accept the situation and live without sex. When the wives finally come for medical help and are ready for sex, the husbands turn out to be quite appreciative of the added pleasure. Again, when both mates want to live together, they find a way to do so. They make match-ups that are mutually gratifying. Couples who want to live together and are willing to work out their prob-lems should be encouraged to do so. If what brought them together in the first place is still present, but has been tarnished, it needs polishing. If the changes that took place have destroyed the original bond, a new bond must be found. Professional help is advisable. There are three main approaches that help remedy such problems. One is where anger seems to be the most obvious cause of the problem. This calls for sitting down together and saying to one another, "Help me with my anger. I become very angry when you make critical remarks about me (fill in the specifics). Please help me get rid of my anger." The second is where hurt is uppermost, followed by withdrawal or anger. Here the mutual help starts with "Help me with my hurt. Please help me to be free of my pain." Mutual working together on an important problem is al-ready a good start towards reconciliation. The third approach needs professional help. When the problem appears to be mainly sexual (marital and sexual problems merge but some are mainly sexual), then sexual therapy by trained, qualified sexual therapists is needed. These are educational problems more than relational problems. When deep seated relational problems are present, sexual therapy without marital ther-apy won't work. Those who use any or all of the above approaches successfully are nego-tiating a new, up-to-date and workable marriage contract. Mutual commit-ment to the new contract bodes well for success. It may be a renewal of old marriage vows for the first time, or a commitment to a new, future-oriented contract. The willingness and the capacity for change in both mates are the most im-portant ingredients in a successful reconciliation. There must be genuine and continuing commitment and not false promises made in order to get the other mate back-and then business as usual. Also they must not be based on the understanding that one mate was wrong and the other was right. Each con-tributed in his or her own way to the marriage failure and should admit it. Reconciliation must not be considered a fifty-fifty effort, with both mates watching to see if the other is doing an equal share. It takes a 100 percent in-dividual responsibility and effort by both. With such an effort each mate will be a more mature person than before, and the marriage will be stronger than it was before the break. The result will be a healthier union with greater re-spect and appreciation than ever. The preceding paragraphs indicate theoretically the way in which any type of couple should try a reconciliation. The analogy could be made to a broken bone. Theoretically with every type of broken bone an attempt should be made to heal it. Theoretically it will be stronger at the healing line than it was before the break. In practice, however, some bones are shattered in too many pieces to heal straight or to become functional again. In some instances the pain of healing will be too intense or may even produce complications that might endanger the life of the individual. The same goes for some marriages. They are too shattered. Too much harm and hurt have been done to either or both parties. The reconciliation process can be too traumatic, endangering emotional health in the process. In some marriages, hatred and vindictiveness have been the single bond which kept the marriage together and there are no areas of agreement or compatibility with which to work. These marriages had a poor chance from the beginning because respect for the rights of the mate had never been pres-ent. But again, this is up to the individuals involved to decide, since for some, a poor relationship with all its agonies may for them be better than nothing. It is difficult to describe a couple who had better not attempt a recon-ciliation but one classic example is the following: a marriage between two strong individuals with each one needing to be the dominant personality. This is an obvious mismatch. They cannot get along together. They would both do better alone or with someone else. The qualification I have to throw in is that they tend not to admire or respect a person they can dominate and are at-tracted to other dominant personalities who resist their need for control. There are circumstances, of course, where the disadvantaged one wants a divorce but cannot get one. For example, in some religious orders the women give up their legal rights in signing a marriage contract and become victims of abuse by husbands. They want out but cannot get a divorce unless they give up the children and/or rights to property. The only way the woman can get a divorce is if she accepts her husband's conditions, which leave her without children, property or self-respect. These are social injustices which need to be changed. At present, divorce laws are being re-examined in America to pre-vent such inequities and progress is being made. A less bizarre and more common type of marital disorder where recon-ciliation is better for one mate than for the other is where one mate can never admit to being wrong and blames the other for everything that doesn't go right (the way he or she wants it to go). This type of marriage may continue for years. The criticized one often becomes convinced that he or she is totally at fault. The brainwashing is successful. He or she would be better off without the criticizing mate but doesn't know it. Sometimes the "criticizers" make a mistake. They believe what they have been saying, and get a separation or a divorce. Now the criticized ones are forced to get along on their own. After an initial anxiety stage they often do beautifully. They find new friends who admire and appreciate them. They also find a new freedom which is exhilarating-if nothing else, a freedom from criticism. The "criticizer," meanwhile, with no mate to blame, is in trouble. No one else will take from him or her what the former mate took. They often ask for reconciliation or remarriage, but it is too late. Some become tragic figures liv-ing with their mistakes. Others, after a difficult adjustment period, success-fully effect a change in themselves which allows true self-respect and self- confidence for the first time. In summary, reconciliations are workable by a large majority of sincere marriage couples if they are willing to work at it. Separation and divorce, on the other hand, can be turned into a good thing if the individuals make a vir-tue of a necessity and continue to grow and develop through the experience. credit: Peter A. Martin, M.D., Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, University of Michigan and Wayne State University Medical School; author of A Marital Ther-apy Manual, New York: Brunner/ Mazel, 1976. Its Meaning in Our Troubled Times Religion. Scholars have long debated the origins of this word. Innately, there is a deep sense in every man and woman that turns us toward that which is "the holy," toward the source and goal of our religious instinct. But if we are to understand the meaning of religion in our troubled times, perhaps it is best to go back to the Latin roots of religio. The three verbs relegere, religari and re-eligere are considered the possible derivations. Relegere-to "constantly turn to" or "conscientiously observe." In the swift-paced, often changing, sometimes fickle world that we experience as our home in this last quarter of the twentieth century, there is an inner drive, a deep need for someone or something to which we can constantly turn. We have our friends, our loved ones. We have our strong influences and sup-ports. We have strengths both within and without our own person. But is there someone to whom we can constantly turn? Is there a someone who an-swers the dilemma of our human journey? Is there indeed a safe place in our troubled times? It is to religion that mankind naturally turns when faced with these questions. This response is not a purely speculative reaction. To "con-scientiously observe" is another of the root derivations of the word "reli-gion." Throughout the history of religious experience, mankind has been aware of the responsibilities implicit in such a response. Religion is not an opiate, a way to relieve the tensions of unanswered basic questions. When a person turns to religion for an answer, he finds himself in a situation that demands personal involvement in the religious response. Ethical expecta-tions, moral demands, a call to self-realization and self-development flow nat-urally from the structures of the great religions of mankind. In the "consci-entious observance" of religious laws and/or ideals, again we find the relevance of religion in our troubled times. The second derivation of the word "religion" is found in the verb religari -to bind oneself-to bind oneself back to one's origin and goal. It is in recalling our roots and our destiny that the individual is empowered to expe-rience the joy of the human journey and to bear with the pain, loneliness, sickness and death that are part of this journey. In binding oneself to his ori-gin and goal, the individual binds himself to the source and end point of his life as well. This absolute beginning and end are what mankind understands as the divine. The alpha and omega points of man's personal history are that same creative force that underpins all of reality. In binding himself to that re-ality, the individual finds that common bond which binds him with all other men and women-for that matter, with all of creation. It is in the discovery of this unifying principle that we find the greatest potential for true peace and harmony. Man is bound not only to the Absolute Being but he is bound as well to all other members of the human family and to this universe that is our home and life-support system. When an individual realizes and accepts this fact, the deepest act of personal integration ensues. In binding himself to the Eternal, he is bound as well to the fragile, volatile uncertainties of the human condition. Thus, he is integrated within himself and learns the deepest lesson that religion can teach. Finally, since this task set before us by the word "religion" is so difficult, speaking to us of origins and goals, deep questions of human existence, mankind can re-eligere. He can "choose again." The process of religious ex-perience is not a once-and-forever event. As we proceed through life, we are constantly wrestling with questions of our origin and goals. Each day, each year, each peak experience of life can give us new insights, new answers- and, at times, new questions related to our deepest search. We are called upon to choose, to choose again and again and again. In so doing, we are guided by our personal and social religious history. At the same time we are constantly shaping our personal religious response. Hopefully, this response, as it deepens in maturity, becomes a stronger de-terminant in our personality-and so teaches us how to live and find meaning in these troubled times. credit: John Cardinal Cody, Archbishop of Chicago, appointed to cardinalate by Pope Paul VI in 1967. A Religion For Today I had nothing to do with my coming into this world, I will have nothing to do with my leaving it. My responsibility is to live in such a way that some child, some dumb animal or old, broken person, somebody who is having a hard time will be glad because I lived. For that gladness I would trade all your theology-all your outgrown, dead mythology. There is no page of human history that does not reveal that man had some kind of religion. Through the centuries man has been developing, gradually and honorably, at times with severe setbacks, toward a satisfactory religion that might answer his intellectual needs, conform to the finest of scientific achievements and at the same time preserve a sense of harmony with the uni-verse. Hold fast to the simple principles of integrity of the self and respect for others. I am interested in a religion which is founded on a fine awareness of individual and social values in human society, which inspires us to the culti-vation of a higher standard of values in our relations with one another; in a religion which constantly holds up before the individual the ideal concept that he possesses a deep possibility for becoming better than he is now; a religious life that leads the individual to strive toward the attainment of that ideal and, in striving, to do more good for himself and for society; a religious life that inspires enjoyment and love of life. We must be more than good-we must be good for something. We must not be satisfied merely to be moral. We must see morality as our respon-sibility to respond to the needs of others, to love and help our fellow man. Let us find a religion for today. What will it be? How shall we know it? First of all, it must be a religion that will have intellectual courage. It must be a rational religion. It must have social courage. It must be a religion that will address itself to unemployment, poverty, injustice, war-all the modem dis-asters of society. The religion of today must be a religion that is not afraid to attack social injustice. Above all, it must have moral courage which in the presence of cus-toms and traditions will maintain the integrity of a free spirit. Find that religion and you have found a religion for today. The labels and the creeds will not matter. credit: Dr. Preston Bradley, pastor of the People's Church, Chicago, Illinois. Religious Cults A Trap for the Young? What Parents Can Do This is the age of messiahs, a time when new religions are prospering. Each campus has its share of gurus. Young people are flocking to join religious movements that are often cults. There are enough leaders of new religions around, commandeering the time and energy of thousands of disciples, to make a definition of the most dangerous type of cult a necessary part of the education of young people. Here are some criteria a person may use to determine the legitimacy of a new religion: The cult has a living leader. Cult doctrine is based on his (or her) revela-tions, which either supplant or supplement traditional doctrine and scripture. The cult leader enjoys absolute authority over the members. He often lives in kingly splendor while his subjects live in poverty. A cult promises a system in which a convert may work to save the world and humanity but actually sponsors no community-improvement programs. The daily work of nearly all cult members is demeaning and utilizes little of their potential, in terms of intelligence, training or education. Religious cults are exclusive social systems, claiming that their members will achieve salvation (or happiness). Members are taught to believe that they are superior to those outside the group. To be a member of a cult a person must cut himself off from job, educa-tion, friends and family. Methods of ego destruction and thought control are part of a religious cult's recruiting and indoctrination practices. Cults discourage critical analysis by dictating the suppression of negative thoughts, therefore fostering a dependency on the cult's authority that arrests the maturation process. The cult rituals and practices are psychologically unwholesome and in some cases physically dangerous when they involve the use of drugs or per-verse sexual rites. The cults concentrate on recruiting the sons and daughters of the middle class, preying on the vulnerabilities of this particular generation of young adults. In our efforts to profile the cult member, we hurtled into blind alleys each time we groped for a simple solution or a pat generalization. As a group, these young disciples could be part of any crowd of idealistic college- age kids. As individuals, each is unique. Judging from the hundreds of religious-cult members we have met we can say they could be anyone's son or daughter, your best friend or the kid next door. Religious cults exploit youth and ought to be held accountable for the tech-niques they use to convert and control their members. But the cults cannot be blamed for the cultural conditions that make today's young people especially vulnerable. Society must accept this responsibility. When we started to write our analysis of the religious-cult experience, we could see that young people's minds and actions were changed significantly once they adopted fervent religious beliefs. But we had trouble believing cult critics who told us, "Thousands of brainwashed American young people are running around this country carrying out the orders of malicious false mes- siahs who have programmed them and robbed them of their minds." Parents who feel they've lost a son or daughter to a religious cult often want desperately to believe their children have been unwitting victims of in-sidious plots to separate them from their real personalities. But as fantastic as the allegations may seem, our observations validated the fears of coercion and brainwashing. The process is not nearly as dramatic as the mystery , that surrounds it sug-gests. The mechanics are subtle. Victims often don't even know they are being manipulated. The change is gradual and it begins long before the re-cruit starts to believe. But the condition of ego destruction and coercive persuasion, mystical ma-nipulation, the need of purity, confession, the separation of the group through the aura of sacred science, the development of a new language and the belief that all outsiders are unworthy and unfit for salvation-all must be present in order for the subject to be brainwashed. Rick Heller, a college student from Dallas, told us how he surprised him-self when he started behaving like a Moonie. Rick went to spend a night in the Unification Church at their center in Austin, Texas. His older brother was a member of this group and Rick thought he might like to be one too. "I was in my sleeping bag on the floor of a room with about twenty other guys. At about five-thirty in the morning this guy comes in with a guitar and starts playing and singing 'You Are My Sunshine.' I thought, 'Oh, brother.' I rolled over, buried my face and tried to go back to sleep. "But all of a sudden I realized all the other guys were singing and rolling up their sleeping bags. It was weird, like a private production of Hair or something. I thought, 'They're crazy, a bunch of fanatics.' But then I realized that I was the only one in the room who wasn't singing ... so I started to sing too." Rick explains that then he had to rationalize and justify his behavior to himself. "I had thought they were behaving like fanatics. But I was behaving just like them. Either they weren't crazy, or I was. So I decided they were okay. I was behaving like a Moonie before I knew what hit me," he says. Brainwashing? Hardly. But like Rick Heller, we attended religious-cult recruiting workshops and experienced and observed the process of conver-sion. Our inside look at what can happen during the initial contact with religious cults convinced us that the common sequence of events that precedes these "conversions" is similar in many ways to the coercive tech-niques used by the Chinese Communists during their revolution and the North Koreans in their prisoner-of-war camps. The issue of brainwashing in religious cults cannot be discounted. What conditions in religious-cult recruiting are similar to brainwashing techniques? Unrelenting group pressure, combined with a young subject's inherent need to conform, produces the same result as imprisonment. During their indoc-trination programs the groups use various techniques to heighten the emo-tions while at the same time they often keep their identities as religious groups carefully hidden. (When we were recruited by the Unification Church, all potential members were told the group was a community service project. Not only was the Rev-erend Moon's name never mentioned, but when we repeatedly asked if the group had an affiliation to any religious group the answer was no.) The second stage in adopting the belief system of a religious cult is the in-creased suggestibility of the mind. Now the recruit is "softened up" and is high on both emotion and the idea of adopting lofty new goals. While the mind is suggestible, new beliefs are introduced to supplant old ones. Here is where one of the most dangerous of the cult's philosophies is introduced: "Skepticism is negativism," and you must not question our be-liefs until you understand all. Since "understanding all" is clearly an impossi-ble goal, the young converts are trained not to question but to accept on face value all they are taught. In the final stage of conversion, the new convert's mind is controlled. Dur-ing this conversion, his behavior has been changed, his consciousness has been altered, and ultimately, his mind and his behavior are controlled by the cult, by members who have themselves undergone the identical process and have become true believers. There are many avenues open to parents of cult members. Here are some of those choices: There is the rescue (kidnap and snatch, as it is sometimes called) and deprogramming, a debriefing session where the young cultist listens to infor-mation he has often not had the chance to hear. Most of this information is carefully gathered by the deprogrammer and his assistants and organized as opposed to cult involvement. Those who favor deprogrammings say that only in this way can young people be returned to personal choice and freedom of thought. Legal removal of a young person from a cult is often accomplished by a court order, demanding that a young person (whether legally a child or an adult) be turned over to the custody of his parents. This is usually carried out in conjunction with a formal deprogramming. The bargain (or contract) between parent and child. Here, a parent might say to the child, "If you plan to spend the rest of your life in this group, you owe us one week (or month or any reasonable period of time) to hear our side of the story and to explain to us the other side of your story." Then an informal, well-organized series of talks with authorities