Dear Margo, I recently decided to "come out" to my friends and family and let them know I am gay. I am not an in-your-face kind of person and wanted it to be a slow process, with me choosing the time and place. I have only told a few close friends so far.
Here's the problem, Ann. I was denied the opportunity to choose the time and place by a clerk at the hardware store. He noticed my new checkbook and asked if the rainbow design was intended to represent the "rainbow gay-pride colors." I answered honestly and told him yes, it did.
My mother was with me and heard every word. I hadn't yet told her about my sexual orientation and could see that she was taken by surprise. I realize that the clerk should not have inquired about something so personal, but I don't think he did it maliciously.
Since that time, things have been strained between my mother and me. I am not going to force her acceptance, but I would like to regain the comfortable relationship we had for so many years. Ann, should I have lied when the clerk asked me about the checkbook? I want to maintain my honesty about this, but I hate what it has done to my relationship with my mother. Do you have any advice for me? -- Outed in Savannah, Ga.
Yesterday's Response:
Dear Savannah, Have a frank talk with your mother. Let her know you have sensed the coolness and it has made you unhappy. Explain to her that your sexual orientation is not something you chose -- it's the way God made you.
There is an excellent organization that will help you educate your mother on this subject. Write to: PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), 1101 14th St., N.W., Suite 1030, Washington, D.C. 20005 (www.pflag.org).
Today's Response:
Dear Outed in Savannah, There is good advice in my mother's answer. That said, it is sometimes hard to think on your feet; knowing that your mother hadn't a clue it might've been better for your relationship with her if you had come out in your own time. This, of course, would have necessitated telling the clerk you just thought rainbows were pretty. It also occurs to me that if Mom was chilly regarding "the discovery," telling her in your own time might've elicited the same response regardless. Play it as it lays, as they say at gaming tables, and know that time is your friend. - Margo
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Our Reader to Reader Question of the Week:
Dear Readers, , wrapped in a duffel bag. Next to the infant was a note saying: “I’m so sorry. I’m only 14 years old.” Ann, I want that young girl to know that I’m sorry, too. Her baby was another missed opportunity for my husband and me and others 178 ANN LANDERS like us. Why don’t these girls realize that it costs a birth mother nothing to place her child with an adoption agency? If she tells her minister or school counselor that she can’t keep her child, she can be assured of help in finding it a loving home. Three years ago, my husband and I decided to have a family. We as-sumed that we would have no trouble. We were wrong. We tried for ten months and then went to a fertility specialist. We worked with her for another nine months without success and were then referred to a reproductive endocrinologist. My husband has tested “normal” since the beginning. I have been poked, prodded, pushed and probed, have had injections and laser treatment, and was finally told I had endometriosis and polyceptic ovarian disease. Now we’ve been informed that my insurance will no longer cover infertility treatment, diagnosis or drugs. The next step is a drug that will cost $8,000, with only a 45 percent chance of success. To the 14-year-old girl who wrapped her child in the duffel bag: Someone will want and need your newborn. To the others who might do something like this: Please don’t jeopardize the health of your baby by not placing it in the hands of people who will help you and know how to contact couples like us. I’m sorry about the circumstances which led that girl to give up her child and equally sorry that I can’t have that baby. -Infertile in Indianapolis
