Dear Ann Landers,
ver since you printed that letter from the woman who has a parrot that imitates voices on the radio (especially mine), I've been getting letters asking, "Will the real Edward P. Morgan please stand up?" I don't want a cracker, Ann. I want help. The sponsors of my program are disturbed. They want to know if the parrot is a member of the Actor's Union. I am disturbed, too, because if she is, they might decide to replace me. The parrot probably would work cheaper and be more of a novelty. An aunt of mine, looking for a possible legacy from the J. P. Morgan family, once traced our family tree. She found no connection with the financier but learned that we are direct descendants from Henry the Pirate. It is possible that Henry mistreated his parrot and this bird who imitates me has inherited the resent-ment. Do you have any solace handy?-Edward P. Morgan

Dear Ed,
We just checked with the parrot and you can relax. She is not after your job. She says the reason parrots live for two hundred years is that they are too smart to get mixed up with tension-producing jobs on radio, TV-or newspapers.