Dear Ann Landers,
"Your husband has to support his children or go to jail." By such advice, you give the impression that when a wife gets bored, she can throw her husband out and collect support money. In other words, you encourage divorce as "the easy out." In case you don't know it, Ann Landers, there are already too many man-hungry divorcees on the loose. You don't help the situation by painting glowing pictures of the split home. You do more harm than good, and I wish you'd button your lip on this subject. -A Four-Year Observer

Dear Observer,
Anyone who has read this column for four years should know where I stand on divorce. If you can show me a single col-umn that I wrote which advocates divorce, I will buy you a new car (your choice). It is the law that a man must support his children. Most states have closed a favorite loophole for irresponsible husbands who simply leave the state to avoid paying support. I do not believe that a woman should live with a man who abuses her and the children or beats her. In such cases, I recommend separate roofs and child support. This is not the same as divorce. In my book, marriage is forever. But times change, and so have I. As more women were able to support them-selves and their children financially, it seemed unnecessary for them to stay in relationships that were verbally or physically abusive, unhealthy or simply unhappy. Divorce became so commonplace that I began to wonder if too many people were rushing to divorce for trivial reasons and regretting it later In 1993, I asked my readers this question: "Looking back, do you regret having moved so rapidly to be divorced, and do you now feel that had you waited, the marriage might have been salvaged?" I asked for a yes or no answer on a postcard, but thousands of readers felt compelled to write long letters. I'm glad they did. I learned a lot. The II e s t it r Ann I a n iifii s 15 To my surprise, out of nearly 30,000 responses, almost 23,000 cam e from women. Nearly three times as many readers said they were glad they divorced, and most of them said they wished they had done it sooner. Here are some samples: From Bloomington, Ind.: My husband was a boozer and a skirt- chaser, but I stayed with him for the sake of the kids. When I finally threw him out, the kids thanked me. Two years later, I married a ter-rific man. When I think that I almost missed this part of my life, which is the best, I could die! Charlottesville, Va.: I divorced my husband five years ago and regret it. My kids miss him, and so do I. He's a lot better than any of the jerks I've dated since. North Bay, Ontario: Being a staunch Catholic, I thought hard and long before I decided to divorce my wife. (She came after me on two occasions with a kitchen knife and once with a gun.) Our children are now mentally healthy, and I realize I was wrong to have stayed in that marriage "for their sake." Lenexa, Kan.: I don't regret my divorce. It's the marriage I regret. My parents split when I was 27. I only wish they had done it sooner, too. Children are not victims of divorce; they are victims of unhappy relationships. Minneapolis: I'm sorry I divorced. The worst pain of my life was seeing a family picture of my children with their dad's other family. I suddenly realized that my kids had a whole other life, and I wasn't part of it. Talk about being heartsick. Bloomfield Hills, Mich.: Why so many divorces? I believe it is the yuppie mentality at work-the concept that there is something newer and better just around the corner. We trade in people like cars these days. Most marriages today fall apart because the wife has to compete with the women in the workplace. My husband always left the house in the morning looking better and smelling better than he ever did at home. Of course, the inevitable happened. Am I glad I'm divorced? Yes. Life with a cheater is hell. Vienna, Va.: I am not divorced, but I could have been five years ago. My husband was a faithful, reliable, decent man. I wanted romance and passion. A sensible marriage counselor made me see my life as it really was. Thank heavens. I li I ANN I W II 1 11 S Chicago: My divorce was good not only for me (I have remarried) but for my ex-husband. He joined Alcoholics Anonymous and now holds a responsible job. We are both better off. Richmond, Va.: I'm a practicing Sunni Muslim. We have what is called "idaht"-a three-month waiting period before a divorce is final. Both parties have breathing room to learn if divorce is really what they want. After that, they can split or stay together. Most of the time, they stay together. Dear Richmond: You don't have to be a Muslim to get this braking mechanism. Most states have a waiting period. In Virginia, all couples with children must wait a year for a divorce. After a While Veronica A. Sboffstall After a while, you learn the subtle difference Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning And company doesn't mean security, And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts And presents aren't promises, And you begin to accept your defeats With your head up and your eyes open With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, And you learn to build all your roads on today Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans. And futures have a way of falling down in midflight. After a while, you learn That even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure . . . That you really are strong. And you really do have worth. And you learn and learn . . . With every goodbye you learn. Fortunately, most relationships are loving and healthy. Some just don't work and are better offended. And then there are those that are downright sick and dangerous. The IIesi 11 r Ah Laniifiis I 17