, Advice by Ann Landers - []
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Section: mental-health, children, relationships

Dear Ann Landers,
My husband and I retired to Florida a few years ago, leaving our three grown children back in our hometown up north. We are having a wonderful life, and my husband is as happy as a lark. I also should be happy. Everything here is great. The weather is beautiful. We are enjoying good health and have met some lovely people. We both do some volunteer work, so please do not assume we are selfishly wasting our lives. The problem is our children. They aren't kids anymore, but each of them is in trouble. One daughter is married and "no longer in love." She has a boyfriend. Another daughter is living with a younger man I know she'll have to support for the rest of her life because he doesn't believe in work. She also has his two teenagers living with them. Another daughter is going through a miserable divorce. She has a son who surely will end up in jail again if he isn't there already. I should be having the time of my life, but there is such a sadness around me that I fight it daily. I don't know what to do, Ann. All these troubled adult children are getting the best of me. I try to hide my anxiety from my husband because I don't want him to be as miserable as I am. What should I do, Ann? Please throw me a lifeline. -- Heavy-Hearted in the Palms

Dear H.H.,
First, you should discuss with your husband what is going on with the children. They're his, too, you know. It will help to have his support. Next, you need some counseling to help you cope with your anxiety. (An antidepressant could be a great help.) Your counselor will explain that you are not responsible for the lives of your adult children. It is time to let them untangle their own messes and grow up. It may be difficult not to become involved in their problems, but it could be the biggest favor you ever will do for them. In the meantime, you deserve to enjoy your retirement years. Don't let your children spoil them for you.

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A Note from Margo:
Hi! It's Margo here. I'd love to know what you think of the letters -- and the answers!

Also, any additional thoughts you might have. Thanks!

Cliff's Comment
It sounds like the parents are Ground Zero for their kids' (and now grandkids') turmoil. At a certain point of course adults must be accountable for their own mistakes and behaviors but it seems like H.H. left a burning pile of stuff in the street and now want to go off and enjoy Mahjong in the Sun. Family means for life. And their responsibilities as patents don't end when they get their AARP cards IMHO

Charline's Comment
Please, please, please try meditation, exercise, or yoga first instead of accepting an antidepressant as a first choice. Then if all else fails, medicine has its place but use it with caution noting possible side affects. Good luck.

Maryann's Comment
Great answer from Ann. We cannot bleed every time our children cut themselves. Sooner or later, we have to let go and allow them to live the consequences of their choices. We can offer love and encouragement, but need to take care that we do not enable their self-destructive behavior OR allow it to destroy us.

flyingarrow's Comment
Have you tried everything you could to teach your children correct principles and self-respect? Then believe that they are capable of figuring these things out if they want to. They are adults. They are making the choices they want to (or think they want to). Accept their choices and be ready to help them if they decide they want to change (but not if they just want to endlessly gripe about their lives).

Helen Fisher's Comment
husband left you for another woman? Do not cry anymore dr.unity is a true and real Psychics he brought back my husband to me" I am Helen Fisher from USA. I have been married for over 13 years, my husband left me for another woman and i wanted him back. I did everything within my reach to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so badly because of the love I had for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to my friend and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back , I had no choice than to try it. I messaged the spell caster called dr unity, and he assured me there was no problem and that everything will be okay before 11 hours. He cast the spell and surprisingly 11 hours later my husband called me. I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that had happened He wanted me to return to him. He also said he loved me so much. I was so happy and went to him that was how we started living together happily again.thanks to dr unity for the real spell and if you have any problem contact him he is honest.Here’s his contact Call/Whats-app him: 2348055361568 ,or Email him at: [email protected] ,website:

sandra lopez's Comment
I was searching for help on the internet to get my ex husband back after he divorced me 5 months ago, i came across so many testimonies from different people and they are all talking about this wonderful man called Doctor silver on how he help them to save their marriage and relationships and i also contact him on his email ([email protected]) and explain my problem to him and he did a nice job by helping me to get my divorced husband back within 48 hours.. I never believe that such things like this can be possible but now i am a living testimony to it because Doctor silver actually brought my lover back, If you are having any relationship problems why not contact Doctor silver for help via email: [email protected] or whatsapp 2348123877102 Then i promise you that after 48 hours you will have reasons to celebrate like me.

Reader Comment
I know what H.H. is going through. After years of supporting my adult son (financially and emotionally), he laced into me with a barrage of rhetoric blaming me for everything that's gone wrong in his life. Now, at the age of 56 he wants nothing to do with me and I have no idea where he is. Yes, it's time for me to move on and let him sink or swim. He is the most ungrateful nasty person I've ever known. I put up with his horrible attitude toward me because he 'was' my only child but this is his doing. There is a special place in hell for him.

Dennis.'s Comment
My mother always said: "I washed my hands of it!" meaning she was no longer concerned with something and she was going to let the chips lie where they fall. Wash your hands, Ma'am.

Reader Comment
I am out here to spread this good news to the entire world on how I got my ex husband back. I was going crazy when my husband left me and my two kids for another woman last month, But after my friend introduced me to Dr Kala the great messenger of Kala healing home, I narrated my problem to him on how my Husband left me and my two kids. He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect. He told me what he needs from me to cast the spell and I provided it for him and he told me to wait that my husband is going to call me in the next 24hrs. To my greatest surprise my husband called me on the phone and was begging for forgiveness for living me and the kids and he came back home and begged me to forgive him for the pains he put me through. I am so happy and overwhelmed that my husband is back to me and i have to tell this to the entire world to let anyone out there who is having marriage and relationship issues to contact Dr Kala on his personal email: [email protected] or WhatsApp him on 2347051705853 and get all your problem solve. No problem is too big for him to solve and i assure you that he will also help you to get your ex back after separation or divorce.

Andy's Comment
Your children are legal adults and are responsible for their own lives. You aren't. Period. Get some counseling and enjoy yours.

Dick's Comment
Please consider removing the obvious spam for spell casters and other frauds
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Our Reader to Reader Question of the Week:

Dear Readers,
, My x-girlfriend who lived with my son and I for 16 years died of cancer. Prior before we knew she had cancer-she moved out because of an addiction problem. We did stay very close before she died. Her x-husband an attorney took over her finances and the burial arrangements. I being financially set was okay with that, whatever they needed I provided. What really hurt my son and I the most was the obituary - we were not mentioned at all. Our friends (mine and hers) were appalled. I was embarrassed and upset for not just me, but for my son-who loved her also. I never been so upset. Her x-husband put his wife and kids and their grandchildren in the obituary, who my girlfriend barely knew. They live an hour away from us. I know its silly to be mad over a little section of the newspaper, but it still hurts. Will time let this devastating loss of her and this article ever go away? I am so angry at this whole situation, its not like we can go and rewrite an obituary notice.

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"If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife."
-Ann Landers