Dear Ann Landers,
'm in love with a married man. Our affair started innocently. I didn't mean for it to happen and neither did George. He married a woman he didn't love because she became pregnant (on pur-pose to trap him, probably). They have been living like brother and sister since a year ago February. George made up his mind to get a divorce be-fore he ever met me. I am eager to marry this beautiful man but I don't want people to think I broke up his marriage. My reputation is important to me and I need to pro

DEAR EYES,
If the marriage is dead, and you don't want people to think you killed it, don't hang around the corpse. Ask George to call you when he's free-and not before. But don't stand on one foot waiting for the phone to ring. It is safe to say of adultery, as it is often said of the flu-there is a lot of it going around. Not all adultery is as portrayed in the paperback novels-romantic and ex-citing. Much of it is shoddy and disappointing-a futile search for kicks, and quite sad. For many it is not a meal but a hunger. A questionnaire filled out by 2,500 psychiatrists, judged wives in their thir- 36 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA ties as the most adulterous. Husbands, they said, cheated more in their for-ties. In response to the question "Why do married people cheat?" 41 percent said because their spouses were not "fun," congenial or compatible; 35 per-cent said because they wanted the experience of being with someone else- variety; 14 percent said they were hoping for a love-partner who would be more versatile-someone who might do something different than the same old thing. Only 7 percent listed good looks as the reason a married person climbed into a strange bed, and 3 percent of the adulterers questioned said they didn't know why they did it and would probably not do it again. Some contend that adultery committed in the heart is as real as adultery committed in the flesh. Others suggest that a little discreet adultery (in judi-cious amounts) adds seasoning and strength to a marriage. Rationalizations abound whenever infidelity is discussed. For our purposes, we may accept the definition provided by psychiatrist Leon Salzman as "sexual behavior with other partners, either overt or covert, if married or unmarried people are ex-clusively committed to each other." This type of rationalization is quite com-mon for the simple reason that it works so well. Like all defenses it enables people to reduce their feelings of anxiety or guilt while it provides justifica-tion for their behavior. Any reason is a good reason when it allows people to do as they please. In the world of human relationships there is hardly anything that is truly casual. Interaction between two people cannot take place without making some impact or leaving some mark on one or both. This is a crucial truth about humans which must be understood in any discussion of adultery. Peo-ple may insist it is good for you or bad for you but no one can claim it does not make any difference. Neena O'Neill, co-author of Open Marriage, which became a handbook for experimental marital arrangements in the early seventies, turned toward the end of the decade to the necessity for fidelity in another book, The Marriage Premise. Adultery and fidelity are different sides of the coin of the rela-tionship of husband and wife. There can hardly be a characteristic in one phenomenon that does not appear in the other; the quality of one's fidelity, whether flabby or robust, can be read in one's attitude toward adultery. What constitutes adultery? Is it always destructive? The need for a careful reading of the complexities of human motivation is evident in attempting to answer these questions. It is possible that one can discover through adulter-ous behavior the first truly generous concern for another that the individual has ever experienced. It is possible that many marriages have never been marriages at all because the husband and wife have never been in touch with each other. Can adultery occur in the absence of a true commitment? Can one break a promise that was never mutually understood? It is possible that adultery in these circumstances needs a new name be-cause it is not the same as when a spouse, who knows what he or she is THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 37 doing, deliberately violates a marriage vow. Between these two poles hang a thousand varieties of adulterous thoughts and actions. Psychiatrist Bernard Greene (A Clinical Approach to Marriage Problems, C. C. Thomas, 1970) lists both conscious and unconscious reasons for in-fidelity. The conscious reasons are these: Sexual frustration, reported by 70 percent of the spouses and in a ratio of two males to one female, and the most common of the complaints in the 750 couples he studied. Curiosity, with a ratio of two males to three females and just over 50 percent of the spouses reporting it. Revenge, reported by 40 percent, equally divided between men and women. Ennui, defined as "monotonous, bored and tedious," again equally divided between the sexes. Recognition seeking ("I need an affair to make me feel like somebody special"), reported by 20 percent of the group, equally divided between hus-bands and wives. The unconscious determinants of adultery are listed in this way: Seeking "stroking" of the "inner child," a motivator of other behavior besides adultery but one usually hidden by the mask of rationalization. Rage at partner or parent, often the acting out of previously unre-solved conflicts toward the parents and, therefore, unrelated to the spouse. Here the adultery is a symbol as well as an instrument of hurt. Proof of masculinity or femininity. Expression of an immature personality. A partner acting out an "unconscious homosexual defense." Salzman approaches the complicated subject from a slightly different view-point, stating that the causes are interrelated and represent increasing degrees of alienation and a lack of involvement which may represent a character flaw in one of the partners. Or it may be an inability to make the relationship function properly because both are uncommitted and therefore unwilling or unable to make necessary compromises required in any stable and faithful relationship. Obviously there is going to be more adultery than understanding of it in ordinary human experience. What is significant is the fact that it always has a meaning and that with counseling, its origins may be traced and its conse-quences seen more clearly. Decisions about the morality of infidelity depend on an ability to understand the psychological determinants as fully as possi-ble. Only individuals who grasp the motivation of their actions can lay claim to moral choice. Fidelity remains the cornerstone for a stable marriage and family life. A good marriage may survive the experience of adultery but only if the crisis causes the husband and/or wife to face up to and sort out the causes. Adul-tery may be understandable but in and of itself it is not a healthy seasoning 38 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA for married life. Few subjects can be romanticized as successfully as adultery but it hardly stands as an example for mature choice. Adultery may be for-givable but some lessons should be learned from it because adultery can never be written off as inconsequential. Adultery is a serious business because it centers on what, for most people, is their most important relationship, the one from which they must derive the meaning of their lives. A question frequently posed is this: Should the adulterer confess to his or her spouse? Ann Landers, who because people expect from her a direct, no- nonsense answer, says no. In almost every instance I would agree with Ann. But let us examine this question closely, looking at the most important aspect -motivation. Because the reasons for infidelity are so scrambled, so are the reasons for confession. The common reason, of course, is guilt. But guilt can be compli-cated. Psychiatrist Harold Winn sets forth a reasonable proposition. He says, "The person who wants to confess must ask himself why, if there is so much guilt, did it not prevent the infidelity in the first place?" As Dr. Winn points out, it is possible that the guilt and the relief of it may be part of a narcissistic game of doing bad, feeling remorse, confessing, then getting forgiveness, in order to repeat the manipulation over and over. Such people are game- players. Confession may also be a means of expressing conscious or unconscious hostility. "Good for the soul" it may be, but it can also be extremely painful to the person on whom the "cleansing waters" are poured. The adulterer who wants to "set everything straight" by telling all would be better advised to keep his mouth shut and work out his guilt by behaving in a more thoughtful, loving, considerate way and stay out of other beds in the fu-ture. credit: Eugene Kennedy, Ph.D., author of A Time for Being Human, Chicago, Illinois: Thomas More Press. "SECRET MEETINGS"* Ellie and Marvin Have been having secret meetings twice a week For the past six months But have thus far failed to consummate their passion Because While both of them agree That marital infidelity is not only unrealistic but irrelevant, He has developed sharp shooting pains In his chest, and she's got impetigo, and * Copyright � 1974 by Judith Viorst. THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 39 He's got pink eye. Ellie and Marvin Drive forty miles to sneaky luncheonettes In separate cars But have thus far done no more than heavy necking Because She's developed colitis, and He has developed these throbbing pains in his back, and She has started biting her nails, and He's smoking again. Ellie and Marvin Yearn to have some love in the afternoon at a Motor Hotel But have thus far only had a lot of Coffee Because He is convinced that his phone is being tapped, and She is convinced that a man in a trench coat is following her, and He says what if the Motor Hotel catches fire, and She says what if she talks in her sleep some night, and She thinks her husband is acting suspiciously hostile, and He thinks his wife is acting suspiciously nice, and He keeps cutting his face with his double-edged razor, and She keeps closing her hand in the door of her car, so While both of them agree that guilt is not only neurotic but also obsolete They've also agreed To give up Secret meetings. DISILLUSIONED "HUMANITARIAN"