Dear Ann Landers, I am 29 years old and divorced my husband a year ago when I discovered he was a world-class con artist. I have been seeing a therapist and am moving in a healthy direction. I feel I'm getting my confidence back and am enjoying my independence. For the past few months, I have been dating a wonderful man who seems serious about me.
My problem is, I become both excited and frightened when "Clark" and I talk about a future together. My concern is that he makes a very modest salary that barely covers his living expenses. For five years, I was married to a man who spent money as if it grew on trees, and it was up to me to make ends meet.
I had a very good job, but it was never enough. When we split, I swore I'd never allow myself to get in that position again.
Clark is considerate and caring, and we get along great, but I find myself looking for things about him that aren't perfect. I am not sure whether my concern is based on common sense or whether I am simply afraid to marry a man who is down a lot lower on the pay scale than I'd like him to be. I haven't told Clark about my fears because I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel inadequate. He believes I am hesitating about a commitment because my past experience soured me on relationships. He thinks I will come around if I have a little more time.
I don't want to end a great relationship, but I don't want to struggle financially like I did before. Please help me sort this out. - Confused in L.A.
Dear L.A., What you need is time to clear your head. Don't make any hasty decisions. Keep seeing Clark, but don't pass up any opportunities to date others. In due time, you will decide whether your feelings for Clark are strong enough to triumph over the financial insecurity. Let me know how this turns out.
Hi! It's Margo here. I'd love to know what you think of the letters -- and the answers!
Also, any additional thoughts you might have. Thanks!
Reader Comment
I think "Jennifer Sanchez should post her "Dr. Odunga" praises on some other format, Like Facebook where her type of hype and garbage belongs. Facebook is a dumping ground for crap like her "testimony"
Reader Comment
Once burned, twice cautious. "Confused in L.A.: keep the arrangement light and non-committal. You don't need to go through that BS again with another 'leaner'
And for Jennifer Sanchez's comments for her phony "Dr. Odunga" get off this website for you senseless comments-stick to your Facebook garbage!
Ann's Comment
I was married for 34 years and I was supporting the entire household for over 10 as my ex didn't want to work. After the divorce that cost me 70k to get rid of him, I vowed I would never support another man. It was rule 1 that the man I dated needed to be financially responsible and independent. He didnt have to make or have more than I , but he had to be able to pay his life bills. Is there a reason he makes a lesser salary? Is there chance for advancement and does he want it? Does he find his job rewarding so he is willing to have less? Does he have a great benefit package that evens it out? You need to find out these answers. Don't force him to get a higher paying job, he may not keep it. If you talk about a future, is he discussing financial plans?
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Our Reader to Reader Question of the Week:
Dear Readers, , whatever they needed I provided. What really hurt my son and I the most was the obituary - we were not mentioned at all. Our friends (mine and hers) were appalled. I was embarrassed and upset for not just me, but for my son-who loved her also. I never been so upset. Her x-husband put his wife and kids and their grandchildren in the obituary, who my girlfriend barely knew. They live an hour away from us. I know its silly to be mad over a little section of the newspaper, but it still hurts. Will time let this devastating loss of her and this article ever go away? I am so angry at this whole situation, its not like we can go and rewrite an obituary notice.
"At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other."
