Dear Ann Landers, My 23-year-old daughter is engaged to marry a young man I cannot stand. She seems very happy, and that is the most important thing, but the relationship worries me. "Francine" used to date a fellow I adored, but they broke up. He had all the qualities I admired. Her current beau has none of them. "Cal" loses his temper a lot and yells at Francine. I have mentioned my concerns and let her know that if he ever hits her, she can come to me anytime.
Francine is now living with Cal, and they have a joint bank account. He has a so-so job but never pays for anything if he can help it. Restaurant meals and movie tickets are always on her. He has no ambition to attend college, and I am sure Francine will end up supporting him, which galls me to no end. I am civil in Cal's presence but just barely. He constantly puts Francine down, and I invariably find myself defending her.
I have begged Francine to wait another year before making a final commitment, but she refuses. Her brother just married, and I wonder if perhaps she isn't competing with him. Is there anything I can do? -- Pennsylvania
Dear Penn., Yes, you can stop knocking Cal and do your darndest to find something about him to admire. This will baffle Francine. Do not mention the old boyfriend you like, or she will never go near him. Meanwhile, keep busy, and pay as little attention as possible to your daughter's social life. A 23-year-old woman might interpret her mother's "guidance" as interference and marry the guy to assert her independence.
Gem of the Day (Credit Sara Weintraub, age 90, Boston): "If I had everything to do over again, I would care 20 percent less."
Hi! It's Margo here. I'd love to know what you think of the letters -- and the answers!
Also, any additional thoughts you might have. Thanks!
Marina's Comment
I disagree. This man sounds dangerous. His outbursts and verbal abuse will turn physical. There are too many red flags to ignore. The Mom needs to intervene. It may alienate her daughter. In the long run, the daughter will forgive her.
Reader Comment
I agree with Marina's comment for the most part, but if her mother intervenes she may not forgive her for quite a long time. The man is dangerous and I can only hope she wakes up before she marries the POS. As far as Shanika Stewart's and Jennifer Sanchez's comments. Both of you are blind idiots and need to take your senseless comments about that phony "Dr. Odunga" to your Facebook so everyone there who sees it give you the same comments I have here.
Andy's Comment
To Pennsylvania:
Stay out of it because anything you will do will simply make things worse.
Francine is legally an adult and apparently considers your opinions as interference in her life's choices.
If she ends up marrying Cal and it all goes to Hell, she will also blame you for not stopping her in the first place.
As bad as it seems, all you can do is sit back and offer support in case their marriage turns out to be a disaster, like all too many parents end up doing.
And that story is so old it should have been put to music years ago.
Weezer's Comment
I think that since this woman's daughter is 19, she is old enough to make her own decisions. The worst that will happen is that the daughter marries and later regrets taking this man as her husband. A divorce ensues, and the daughter moves on with her life.
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Our Reader to Reader Question of the Week:
Dear Readers, , whatever they needed I provided. What really hurt my son and I the most was the obituary - we were not mentioned at all. Our friends (mine and hers) were appalled. I was embarrassed and upset for not just me, but for my son-who loved her also. I never been so upset. Her x-husband put his wife and kids and their grandchildren in the obituary, who my girlfriend barely knew. They live an hour away from us. I know its silly to be mad over a little section of the newspaper, but it still hurts. Will time let this devastating loss of her and this article ever go away? I am so angry at this whole situation, its not like we can go and rewrite an obituary notice.
