Dear Ann Landers,
With pleasure. Just for today I will live through the next 12 hours and not tackle my whole life problem at once. Just for today I will improve my mind. I will learn something useful. I will read something that requires ef-fort, thought and concentration. Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look my best, speak in a well- modulated voice, be courteous and considerate. Just for today I will not find fault with friend, relative or colleague. I will not try to change or improve anyone but myself. Just for today I will have a program. I might not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two enemies-hurry and indecision. Just for today I will exercise my character in three ways. I will do a good turn and keep it a secret. If anyone finds out, it won't count. Just for today I will do two things I don't want to do, just for exercise. Just for today I will be unafraid. Es-pecially will I be unafraid to enjoy what is beautiful and believe that as I give to the world, the world will give to me. Be bigger than what happens to you. If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advice for all humanity it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and, when it comes, hold your head high, look it squarely in the eye and say, "I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me." Then repeat to yourself the most comforting of all words, "This too shall pass." Maintaining self-respect in the face of a devastating experience is of prime importance. To forgive oneself is perhaps the most difficult of life's chal- 288 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA lenges. Most of us find it much easier to forgive others. I've received letters brimming with self-recrimination-letters that prove no punishment is so painful as the self-inflicted kind. Here are a few examples: "I let my boyfriend go too far. Now, when he sees me, he looks the other way. I'm so ashamed of myself I could just die." "I threw a dish towel in my mother-in-law's face. She was trying to be helpful and I lost my temper. I hate myself." "I got caught cheating in a history exam today. All the kids know about it. I feel rotten." "I'm not used to liquor. I only drink to celebrate something. Last night was my birthday and I got disgustingly drunk. I insulted people, became sick in the car and disgraced myself. I wish I was dead." I've written this advice thousands of times: "It's done. Finished. Over. There is nothing you can do to change the past. Take heart from the knowledge that something good can come of it if it teaches you a lesson. Profit from it-then forget it." Most people with normal intelligence learn from experience. A white rat will refuse to follow a piece of cheese along a maze if he discovers after a few attempts that the maze will lead him into a puddle of cold water. Some humans, unhappily, don't have the common sense of a white rat. They make the same mistakes time after time. To them, experience merely helps them to recognize the mistake when they make it again. My mail is heavy with examples. A St. Louis woman writes: "I married an alcoholic. He is brutal and I'm scared to death of him. This is the third time I've picked a loser. I knew Steve drank a little, but I had no idea he was a drunk. Why do I have such miserable luck with men?" Specialists in the field of human behavior tell us that people who repeat-edly bring disaster down on their heads are self-destructive. They feel un-worthy and are unconsciously seeking punishment. Professional help must be sought to end this self-flagellation. Experience, they say, is the best teacher, but we get the grade first and the lesson later. As a youngster I was effervescent, outgoing, and I talked too much. I had a talent for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. By the time I was a high school freshman, I was better able to synchronize my mouth and my brain, but still I made mistakes and tortured myself because of the foolish things I had said. One day a high school English teacher taught me with a single dramatic act the futility of rehashing the past. As the students filed into her classroom, we noticed on her desk a quart bottle of milk standing in a heavy stone crock. "This morning," she announced, "I'm going to teach you a lesson that has nothing to do with English, but it has a lot to do with life." She picked up the bottle of milk, crashed it against the inside of the stone crock, and it splin-tered into small pieces. "The lesson," she said, "is, don't cry over spilled milk." THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 289 Then she invited us to look at the wreckage. "I want all of you to remember this," she said. "Would any of you attempt to restore the bottle to its original form? Does it do any good to wish the bot-tle had not been broken? Does it help to get upset and tell yourself how good the milk might have tasted if this hadn't happened? Look at this mess! You can moan about it forever, but it won't put the bottle back together again. Remember this broken bottle of milk when something happens in your life that nothing can undo." I've reminded myself of that broken bottle of milk in the stone crock time and time again. It has helped me remain steady and calm as well as physi-cally sound. Our bodies take a beating when we put ourselves through an emotional wringer. To try to undo what has been done or agonize about op-portunities missed it not only foolish, it's futile. Omar Khayy&m put it eloquently: The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it. Most of us have been victimized in one way or another by an unscrupulous opportunist. Even the experienced can be taken in by a clever operator. In many instances we can't control what happens to us, but we can control our own reactions to what happens to us. We can stay down for the count and be carried out of the ring or we can take the beating and pull ourselves back to our feet. Sometimes the choice isn't even a conscious one. Many crises seem insurmountable, but time and again we have seen ordi-nary people display genius in turning a hopeless situation into something tol-erable or even good. There should be a special citation for the little guy who manages to keep going when he has every right to crack up. When Jesus said in Matthew 5:4 "love your enemy," He was not only suggesting that we make life easier for them but He wanted to make life easier for us. Some contend that such advice is folly. Why give our enemies goodwill in return for treachery? Should we not try to crush those who try to destroy us? But by "love your enemy" Jesus did not mean that we should "grapple them to our soul with hoops of steel." He did mean that to preserve our own mental and physical well-being we should refuse to allow ourselves to be con-sumed with hatred or bitterness. We must refuse to give evil people the power to break our spirit, make us physically ill, and perhaps even shorten our lives. Any doctor will tell you that worry, anxiety, tension and anger can make you sicker than a virus. As far back as Plato man knew that what took place in his mind produced physical changes in his body. We are all acquainted with examples of such emotional phenomena. The 290 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA sight of an accident can cause nausea or fainting. Stage fright can cause a pounding of the heart, excessive perspiration and butterflies in the stomach. During the First World War thousands of soldiers were incapacitated, be-cause of "shellshock." Many of the afflicted had never been near a shell. In World War II they called it "battle fatigue," although many of the men stricken had never been in combat. They collapsed and were unable to func-tion because of fear and anxiety. The expression "nervous breakdown" suggests that nerves have broken down, but the problem is purely emotional. Organically the nerves are healthy. A doctor on the staff of the Mayo Clinic has said the majority of pa-tients in hospital beds today are there because of illnesses which were psycho-generated. This means the sickness was triggered by an emotional problem. So, when you find that someone has "done you wrong," say to yourself, "I will not spend one extra minute hating or trying to get even. It's too expen-sive." Hatred is like an acid. It can do more damage to the container in which it is stored than to the object on which it is poured. TROUBLE BEYOND HUMAN CONTROL "I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul." These words by William Henley offer courage to the faint of heart. It's comforting for man to feel that he has the power to chart his own destiny, but it isn't always true. Even though we may lead the good life and fight the good fight, we are some-times tripped up by the process of living. Call it bad luck, fate, or whatever you choose, but man is at the mercy of trouble beyond human control. Death and tragedy touch us all sooner or later. When it comes, it reminds us of our own frailty, and it makes us all brothers and sisters. Shortly after World War II, I was the chairman of a tea for Gold Star mothers. Some women arrived in chauffeured limousines. Others came on foot, not able to afford bus fare. Some wore mink stoles, others, woolen jackets. Their back-grounds and daily lives couldn't have been more different, but their heartache was the same. As they sat side by side, their differences disappeared. The tragedy each shared united them for a time at least. Never before or since have I seen more dramatic proof that trouble is the great equalizer. I believe in blind faith. I have known people who have suffered deep per-sonal tragedies and they believe in it too. But, I also believe in the efficacy of positive action to overcome grief. Time is a healer, but those who help time by using it wisely and well make a more rapid adjustment. Grief, in part, is self-pity turned inside out. The widow who wails, "He was everything to me. How can I go on without him . . ." is crying for herself, not for him. Death is sometimes a merciful release from suffering and misery. The one who survives must struggle with the problem of living. The mourner who wears his grief interminably eventually isolates himself THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 291 from his friends. The world may stop for a few hours (or perhaps a few days) to hold a hand or to wipe away a tear, but friends and relatives have problems of their own. Life goes on-and those who refuse to go on with it are left alone to wallow in their solitary misery. The best prescription for a broken heart is activity. I don't mean plunging into a social whirl or running off on trips. Too many people try to escape from their heartache by hopping on planes, trains and ships. They succeed only in taking their troubles with them. The most useful kind of activity in-volves doing something to help others. I have told thousands of despondent people, "Enough of this breast-beating. What will it accomplish? No matter how badly off you are there is someone who is worse off-and you can help him." Most touching to me is the heroism, the courage and faith of the average people in the world. Often readers who write about a problem will add some-thing about their personal lives. I am moved by the magnificent people who write such lines as: "My husband lost his sight shortly after we married, but we manage beautifully." Or: "I've had two operations for cancer, but I know I'll be able to attend my son's graduation in June and I'm so thankful for that." No one knows why life must be so punishing to some of God's finest crea-tures. Perhaps it is true that everything has a price and we must sacrifice something precious to gain something else. The poets and philosophers say adversity, sorrow and pain give our lives meaning-an added dimension. Those who suffer deeply touch life at every point; they drain the cup to the dregs while others sip only the bubbles on top. Perhaps no man can touch the stars unless he has known the depths of despair. credit: Ann Landers from Since You Ask Me, Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey: Prentice-Hall. Cosmetics How to Enhance Your Looks There are no ugly women-only lazy ones. A woman, no matter how much God has blessed her with good looks, can improve on or detract from them with the proper or improper use of cosmetics. The purpose of this article is to help you learn about cosmetics, and how to use them. It will not be easy. It 292 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA takes practice-knowing where to begin and what tools to use. Each face is unique. A careful study of your face is the key to enhancing your beauty. Let's get started. STEP 1-A GOOD HARD LOOK: Pull your hair straight back from your face. Better yet, put on a scarf and tuck all the hair in. Look straight ahead into a mirror. Be sure to use a mirror that is magnified in a room with lots of natural light. If you own a makeup mirror with lights, you have a definite advantage. I prefer to sit while I do my makeup; it can be relaxing and fun, like painting a picture. Study your features, decide which are your good points and which are bad. Then accentuate the positive and camouflage the negative. Take a moist bar of soap and draw on the mirror the shape you are seeing. Study that shape-is it round, square, oblong, triangle, a heart or the perfect oval? This will help you not only in selecting cosmetics, but also in choosing a hair style that will best suit your features. STEP 2-AND THEN: Cleanliness is next to godliness; never put new makeup on over old. Use a cleanser or cold cream to remove old makeup, followed by a thorough washing with warm water and a non-alkaline soap. Many women do not feel clean without using soap; however, it must be pointed out that soap does not dissolve makeup; only cleansers can do this. Never rub the face; pat and stroke gently and use only the little fingers around the eyes. Follow the cleansing by dabbing an astringent on a cotton ball and patting it on the face. This ensures complete removal of all makeup. Moisturizer comes next, vitally important under makeup from sixteen years of age to grandmother, as well as when not wearing makeup and at bedtime. Never go to bed without removing all makeup and using the procedures men-tioned above, as well as a night cream. If you are applying makeup for the day, moisturizer will help seal the look and prevent your makeup base from turning orange or streaking. STEP 3-THE BASE: Selecting a base is extremely important. Re-member, expensive does not always mean best. The color must blend with your natural skin tones. You don't want to look as if you have painted your face. Choose a liquid or cream base that can be applied with a wet sponge for a natural look. Choose a color by dabbing the makeup on the outside of the hand near the thumb and blending it to the wrist. Seek a professional in the cosmetic department of a store to help you. They have been trained by cos-metic manufacturers and do not charge for their services. When applying makeup, use the dot method-putting it on the forehead, nose, cheeks and chin, blending it in, especially at the neck. Nothing looks more amateurish than a visible makeup line. To ensure a perfect blend, pat a water-saturated cotton ball around hairline and neckline and through the eye-brows. STEP 4-THE BLUSH: Color selection of cream or powdered blush is the next step. Choose a bronze shade if your hair is brown, red or brunette; a THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 293 rose-pink shade if you are blonde or graying. To apply, smile-it feels good and helps you place the color properly. As you smile, you will see what we will call the apple of the cheek. Place the blush in the center of the apple and blend upward to the temple. Do not go below the nose or around the eye area. STEP 5-EYES: Add sparkle to tired eyes with eye drops, and a moist tea bag can do wonders for puffy eyes if you lie back with one on each eye for ten minutes. Dark circles can be camouflaged with coverup or illusion cream two shades lighter than your complexion. Place it under the eyes and directly under the brow, blending it to the temple. The brow comes next-the shape of the brow is critical. Determine the shape for your eyes and face. Do not follow fads. I stress again that God made each face unique, and trying to look like a picture of someone else is a mistake. You must establish your own look and stick to it. Fashion can dic-tate a few minor changes but not totally. Perhaps a new eye shadow color or lipstick shade will do the trick. To determine the shape of your brow, look straight into the mirror and use your eyebrow pencil to make three marks. Mark the brow at the outer comers of the iris (this determines the arch), lay the pencil to the side of your nose to the temple and mark it. This is the length. Lay the pencil along the nose to the inner comer of the eye and mark it. This will determine how far the brow should come to the nose. Now take a tweezer, preferably the scissor type, and tweeze a few hairs from the arch at the mark. If you have brows extending past the mark at the nose, remove the hairs there. Use the pencil to lightly fill in the area of length to that mark. Rubbing the brow area with an ice cube will cut the sting if this is your first attempt at tweezing. If possible, it would be good to go to a professional for the first arching. Never tweeze above the brow or use a shaver. Select a brow pencil or brash and brow color to blend with your hair (never black, char-coal or brown/black for brunettes). Use auburn or light brown for redheads and blondes, medium brown for shades of brown hair. Everyone wants long thick lashes. If you have been blessed, lavish them with a coat of mascara-uppers only. Very few women can use mascara suc-cessfully on the lower lashes. The problem is-(even with the waterproof non-smudge-promising brands)-the mascara almost always has a way of flaking off onto the face. It's wise to carry a magnifying makeup mirror in your purse at all times and check out the upper mascaraed eyelashes. A single fallen fleck can ruin the entire effect. For special occasions try a light pair of false lashes trimmed to fit your eyes. Black mascara is good for most everyone except blondes and certain shades of red and gray (they must use brown). The same applies to the false lash color. Eye shadow is next. Select a color that highlights your eyes, again no fads -blue and violets and aquas for blue eyes; frosted grays, beige and pink for brown eyes. I prefer the powdered to the creams for a lasting effect. Apply only on the lids-never put colored shadow to the brow. As you become 294 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA more experienced, you may want to blend colors to the brow, but to be safe, only on the lid at the beginning. Cotton swabs are excellent for repairs. Go to a professional salon if you wish to learn more glamorous eye techniques. Liners and smudging can add dimension if applied with extreme care. Prac-tice and experiment before you make this part of your daily routine. The same caution would apply to contouring the face, shortening or nar-rowing a less than perfect nose, working on more specific problems such as birthmarks, moles, freckles, pitted skin, scars, removal of unwanted hair on the face, etc. A professional beautician's advice would be money well spent. The eyes are everyone's most important feature. If you must wear eye frames, select them with care. The new designer frames are very flattering and most optical shops have an experienced consultant to help you. STEP 6-LIPS: Lips are the second most important feature. Using a lip brush assures properly applied lip color. Choose a lipstick that is moist and creamy; this is no time to be stingy. A good lipstick is a sound investment in good looks. Select a color that is fashionable and blends with your skin tones. A touch of lip gloss or Vaseline gives you a polished look. STEP 7-THE FINAL TOUCH: To complete your total look, apply a translucent medium-shade powder with a powder brush or cotton ball lightly over the entire face. This will set your makeup and you will look fresh and lovely for hours. STEP 8-THERE'S MORE THAN A PRETTY FACE: Don't forget your fingernails and toenails. Clean and shape with clippers and an emery board. Remember to file in one direction only and remove the dead cuticles. Clear polish or a base coat followed by a color to co-ordinate with your lip-stick completes your look. Polished teeth, a sweet breath, a good deodorant and a spray of your fa-vorite cologne add the finishing touches. Touch-ups with powder, blush and lipstick are acceptable in public if done quickly. Remember that genuine beauty comes from within. Cosmetics cannot make up for loss of sleep, poor diet, or a negative attitude. A happy smile, sparkling eyes and a positive outlook help make you beautiful. When you have done your best to look your loveliest, forget about yourself and concentrate on others. After all, isn't that what life is all about? credit: Sue Lilly, TV Show Host, WHIO-TV, Dayton, Ohio. THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 295 Makeup for the Mature Woman* Here are ten do's for a better makeup for the mature woman: Do makeup in the proper light. Use daylight directly on your face and, if possible, a magnifying mirror. After the makeup has been applied, check it with a regular mirror in artificial light. Apply moisturizer to a clean face. Use a foundation to give even color and tone down small brownish spots that may appear after forty. Be sure the color you wear is the same as your skin tone. When purchasing colors, try them first on your neck, not the back of the hand. Try to get to daylight to see the color. Avoid dark or muddy colors. A thinner base should be used as lines start to appear; the "let's cover them up" concept is wrong for the older woman. The denser bases accentuate the lines, making them appear deeper. Cover lines with a lighter colored base, a little bit heavier in texture. It can be as much as three shades lighter. Apply the lotion to such wrinkled areas as those beneath the eyes, and the lines from the nose to the chin. Apply before and after the foundation, blending carefully to avoid any line of demarcation. Never use white, it's too strong. Next to the eyes, eyebrows are the most important facial feature be-cause they control the expressions. Pluck the hairs underneath the brow and where they straggle out at the end. Consider the shape of the eyes and the po-sition of the brow bone. Don't use greasy eye shadow. Powdered is more attractive. The safest color for the older eye is a soft, light brown or mushroom. This is the color of the eyelid skin and does not draw attention to eyelids as bright blues and greens do. A pink shadow is right for rosy-toned complexions. Eyeliner is subject to fashion changes. Right now, almost no liner and no mascara is being used, which is good for the older woman. A soft shade of a thin line blended above and on the lower lid can help change the shape of the eyes. Mascara. Black, brown or blue are the only colors to be considered. Most over-forty women wear glasses, which magnify eye makeup, especially * Ruth Kling, "How to Catch a Man After You're 40," copyright � 1977 New York News, Inc. Reprinted by permission. Reviewing the book Beauty for the Mature Woman, Dorothy Seiffert, New York: Hawthorn Books. 296 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA mascara. If mascara is worn during the day, blot it with thumb and forefinger while it is still wet to separate lashes. False eyelashes. Use a sparse strip, cut shorter than the eyelid. Avoid too heavy or coarse a lash. Remember to apply a liner before applying lashes. Mascara blends well with false lashes, giving a more natural look. Rouge. For the older woman, creams seem to work very well. They don't blotch or cake. Avoid all purplish, bluish tones. The color should match the skin tones, giving a rosy, healthy, natural hue. The new earth tones may be used if they are not too dark for the complexion. Lipstick. Older women should wear lipstick stronger in intensity, not darker in color. Learn to use a lipstick brush to control contours of lips. The new pencil outliners are good in light brown, avoid the strong reds. Fill in with lipstick and cover with lip gloss; it's great for keeping lips shiny-looking and moisturized. If the mouth is too small or too large, use soft, light shades of lipstick. If wearing a dress in the purple, orange, pink, red or peach shade, be certain lipstick doesn't clash. Keep lipstick and cheek color in the same shade. Skin care is another important factor in keeping mature skin looking good. Know your own skin type and use products designed for normal, dry or oily skin. The nightly routine should include a freshener or astringent for toning. Use a heavier moisturizer at night, one that is easily absorbed and gives a resiliency to the touch. This works as well for the mature skin as expensive creams with exotic names and promises. Several of the old standbys are great since many women in this age bracket are on fixed incomes. Witch hazel is a fine astringent, while Vaseline Petro-leum Jelly can act as a night cream. Simply wipe off the excess to save the bed linens. There are really no miracle wrinkle removers that have any per-manent effect. Cousins {Should. They Marry?) We are not going to delve into questions such as "Should anyone marry, and worsen the population problem?" or "Is it better to marry than to burn?" Any couple contemplating marriage needs to confront a wide range of press- THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 297 ing questions, and we hope that whether cousins or not, a couple will be ask-ing themselves these questions with great seriousness, deliberation and hope. In addition to all the ordinary problems, cousins inherently face additional challenges that come out of their prior family relationships. These special problems are the only ones that will be dealt with here. Two things come to mind: the issues that arise from family tradition, and those from genetic or biological relatedness. I do not know of any factual data on the extent to which the success or failure of marriages depends on the common traditions of the mates. Common sense would say that large differences in economic, social and religious outlook may be sources of mis-understandings in the later married life of a couple. Since cousins are more likely than the average couple to come from homes with similar economic, social and religious backgrounds, they may be relatively free of those bur-dens. Common sense also suggests that mates may become bored if there are no differences; but even cousins are likely to have different life experiences and perspectives. There is some danger that cousin marriages have been arranged to suit the convenience of others, but even here there is little factual evidence on how this affects the outcome. Obviously such matters will vary enor-mously with the cultural background that the couple brings to the marriage, and the setting of their future life. The more obvious question is, "What about the children?" There are many taboos about close marriages in many cultures and religious faiths. In many states first-cousin marriages are not permitted. First, it should be stressed that inbreeding does not in any way generate "bad genes" or create genetic factors that may cause disease or impair the functioning of the child. This is a superstition that has grown over the cen-turies, from the observation that inbreeding tends to expose the genetic de-fects already carried by almost every individual of the species. These defects are the result of evolution, the mutations without which higher organisms and human beings could never have emerged out of the primeval ooze, millions and billions of years ago. The exposure of previous mutations is not to be taken lightly. Everyone of us is carrying two or three "bad genes" in a masked condition, in a way that might only be revealed by the bad luck of meeting a partner with a similar defect. In practical terms, first cousins who marry must face the fact that they will have about twice the risks of bad luck with the genetic dice as do unrelated partners when they have children. It has to be said that women who have children after age thirty-five, or couples who have children knowing that there are definite hereditary prob-lems in their ancestry are taking similarly increased risks. Whether cousins should marry (and have children!) in the face of these concerns is an ethical problem they alone must answer. However, the risks of 298 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA disaster are greatly increased for cousins who are also carriers of known ge-netic diseases, such as cystic fibrosis, sickle cell anemia, etc. They may be in-creasing the odds of a bad result from less than one out of a hundred (the general average) to over one out of four. For that reason, it is important that cousin-mates, before they have children, visit a genetic counselor and get informed advice about their own specific situation, rather than try to play the odds that apply to the whole average population. For genetic counseling contact your nearest sizable university or your county medical department. credit: Joshua Lederberg, Ph.D., Professor, Department of Genetics, Stanford University Medical School, Stanford, California. Crabs (Pubic Lice) Reliable statistics on the number of people who have pubic lice (crabs) are very hard to come by. I decided to ask for the help of a distinguished physi-cian, Dr. Leslie Norins, at the Center for Communicable Diseases in Atlanta. I discovered Dr. Norins had moved from the Center to become President of American Health Consultants. He informed me that the most dependable in-dicator of louse activity is the sale of medication for this annoying affliction. Dr. Norins also disabused me of a notion I had believed for years-that pubic lice and head lice were the same-found in different places. Not true. They are two different species. Public health authorities believe the principal reason for the increase in pubic lice is the widespread practice of communal living among the young and increased sexual activity at all age levels. They also point out that the so-cial prestige of the pubic louse has been elevated these past ten years. It is no longer an affliction of the ghetto. Pubic lice can now be found in the best so-cial circles. Sales of over-the-counter lotions for treating both head and pubic lice in-creased 1,200 percent from 1963 through 1975. When school is in session, in some college towns, the sale of anti-louse medication is almost equivalent to that of mouthwash. Based on the total sales per 1,000 population, the lousiest cities in the United States for 1975 are: THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 299 Providence, Rhode Island, (2) Corpus Christi, Texas, (3) Albany, New York, (4) Troy, New York, (5) Orlando, Florida, (6) Boston, Mas-sachusetts, (7) Fresno, California, (8) Eugene, Oregon, (9) Manchester, New Hampshire, (10) Las Vegas, Nevada. Almost all pubic lice are "caught" from someone who has pubic lice. It is unlikely but possible to pick up lice on a bedsheet, a bath towel, a gym mat-tress, or a sleeping bag. It takes from seven to ten days from the time of exposure till the itching begins. Pubic lice are prolific breeders and their eggs are cemented to the hair shafts and cannot be eliminated by normal washing or scrubbing. Lice vary in size, but the average louse is about twice as large as a pinhead. They are brownish in color and may look like freckles at first glance. Since lice feed on human blood (like mosquitos) the miserable little creatures pene-trate the flesh and are difficult to identify as living things, unless you catch one that is ambulatory. The alternative is to scratch one off for examination -preferably under a magnifying glass. It looks like a crab. Final evidence is the wiggling of the legs. Freckles do not wiggle. Once it has been determined that you have pubic lice, check the eyebrows, eyelashes, underarms-any area where hair grows. These creatures are "good travelers" and set up housekeeping rapidly. Here are the Do's and Don'ts of eliminating pubic lice, courtesy of Norcliff Thayer, Inc., manufacturers of A-200 Pyrinate, a leading, non-prescription medicine which eliminates lice. some do's Seek assistance. The first sign of lice is usually intense itching. Get a magnifying glass and explore. If you see lice or grayish eggs attached to hair shafts pay a hasty visit to your local health department (city, county or state), take your problem to the school nurse or go to your pharmacist. Treat quickly. Once lice infestation starts, it can spread like wildfire. Shampoo the infested area with a modem proved product. Many are availa-ble without prescription at most drug counters. Protect others. The entire family, or others who have had contact with an infested person, should be inspected. If they too are lousy they should undergo treatment at once. Sanitize personal items. Boil, steam or dry-clean all clothing and per-sonal items, such as combs and brushes. Bedding and the backs of uphol-stered furniture, car seats, etc. should be thoroughly vacuumed and disin-fected, where possible. Re-treat to be sure. It is a good idea to re-treat the infested area after seven days to eliminate any lice that might have hatched after the first treat-ment. 300 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA SOME DON'TS Don't be embarrassed. All people, regardless of their sanitary habits or station in life, can get lice. The important thing is to get rid of them. Don't attempt home remedies. Some home remedies can be ineffective or dangerous. The most effective non-prescription drugs for treating pubic lice are A-200 Pyrinate and Cuprex. credit: Leslie Norins, M.D., Ph.D., President, American Health Consultants, Atlanta, Georgia. Cremation Cremation as a way of final disposition of the body at death has not been widely practiced in the United States. In comparison with Japan and Eng-land, where over half of the people who die are cremated, recent statistics in-dicate that less than 5 percent of American families choose cremation. The reason for this is a matter of custom when formerly it may have been religious. Today there is more acceptance of cremation by the public and less resistance by religious authorities. The fact that you are reading this brief piece of information about crema-tion indicates that you are more than curious about its subject. You are prob-ably the kind of person who is open to different ideas. Perhaps you also feel some responsibility to help your family by suggesting a preference about the final disposition of your body after death. WHAT IS CREMATION? Cremation is an alternative method of the disposition of the human body at death. Through intense heat, the body of one who has died is quickly re-duced to ashes. In contrast to earth burial, which is a gradual process of re-duction to basic elements, cremation accomplishes the same thing in less than a couple of hours. There may be a psychological advantage to cremation for some persons. The idea of a quick, clean incineration of the body is preferable to the slower process of reduction in a grave. What's involved in cremation? It's reassuring to know that most of the customs and rituals we have come to expect with a funeral are not significantly altered if you request cremation. THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 301 There can still be a visitation and viewing of the deceased. A worship service ar ceremony with the body present can be held. There can also be some form of committal service for the cremated remains. The body, instead of being taken in a procession to a cemetery or a mauso-leum, may be accompanied by the family in procession to a crematory in a casket or other suitable container. There, usually in a chapel setting, the cas-ket is placed into a retort. The retort is a specially designed furnace capable of reaching extremely high temperature. All smoke and gases are recirculated through the heat chambers, so there is very little discharge into the open air. In less than two hours, the body, which is cremated in a casket, is reduced to a few pounds of bone fragments and ashes. Each body is cremated sepa-rately. The cremated remains are then placed in an urn or in a canister and care- :ully identified. Your funeral director or the crematorium selected will have a variety of urns from which a family can make a selection. What happens to the cremated remains? A family has several options available. One is inurnment. Here the cre- nated remains are put into a small metal or other type container. The urn :an then be permanently located in a purchased niche. Many cemeteries have such facilities ranging from the simple to the elaborate. There are usually perpetual care agreements in force and certain regulations regarding the use Df flowers. Burial: A second option involves placing the cremated remains in an earth �rave in the simple canister or urn in which they are delivered from the cre- natory. Some cemeteries require that the urn be placed in a vault-like con- ainer. Such burials of cremated remains can be in a family plot or a special irea available within some cemeteries. This burial can take place immediately ifter the funeral and the cremation, but the usual custom is to make such purial several days following the cremation. Scattering: Strewing the cremated remains is a third option. This requires some pulverization because usually there are some larger fragments of :alcified bones after cremation. The cremated remains are then distributed on he surface of the ground, into a flowing stream or over the ocean. Most :rematories have a special garden and will dispose of the cremated remains recording to a family's request. Other families may wish to scatter the cremated remains in some place of particular sentimental attachment, providing there are no local legal prohibi- :ions. Your funeral director can advise you about any such restrictions. Are there special ways of remembering someone who has been cremated? If the cremated remains of the deceased are put in a grave, a plaque or marker can be used. When the ashes are strewn, it is still possible to have some marker or memorialization if it is so desired. Since there is no final rest-ing place, a memorial plaque may be used to indicate the general location of the ashes. A tree or shrub might be planted and dedicated as a tangible me- 302 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA morial. In other instances, crematories provide Books of Remembrance in which the name of the deceased can be suitably inscribed or displayed. Sometimes a committal service is held with the family present when the ashes are finally disposed of by any of these means. This brief way of honor-ing the deceased completes the process of separation. Are there economic advantages to cremation? Costs are related to the way cremation is utilized. There are several alter-natives. It is not possible to estimate actual costs or savings in comparing cre-mation with an earth burial because they vary with locality and patterns of custom. However, if economic considerations are of utmost importance, cremation may be an alternative to be considered. Cost may also be affected depending on whether or not a family grave plot is already owned and by the charges for opening and closing a grave. Your funeral director can discuss with you the alternative patterns of arrangements and their related costs. Where can we get more information about cremation? Your local funeral director is the most knowledgeable resource for any questions you might have about post-death activities, including cremation. credit: Howard Raether, Executive Director, National Funeral Directors Asso- ciation of the U.S., Inc., Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Crime* ( What Causes It? ) Anyone concerned with the study of crime and criminals is familiar with the challenging question: "Well, doctor, what is the cause of crime?" Of course, he means, "Let's stop talking about our crimes against criminals and talk about what they do to us and why." Every human event has many determinants and surely this is true of crimes. The question should be worded: What are the causes of crime-or what are the causes of criminals, for every one is different. To accept the challenge is to first tick off the textbook "causes": Hunger, poverty, ghetto living, drugs, anger, jealousy, hate, fear-any or several of * Copyright � 1978, Karl Menninger, M.D. THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 303 these. "But," the inquirer persists, "are there causes we can do something about?" Crime-the thing we all want to do something about-means, to the aver-age citizen, familiar kinds of violent lawbreaking, like killing and raping and bank robbing. But each of these categories has many complexities. Bank rob-bing often means guns and masks and "stick 'em up," a loot sack, a waiting car, a chase and great excitement. That's crime! But the crime of bank rob-bing is more frequently a quiet, long-undetected inside job-a covered-up affair. Take murder, or rape, or vandalism: exciting, ugly, violent, fearsome be-havior that interests the newspapers. These are crimes for sure-crimes that are ruining our cities. (There is no substantial evidence that crime is increas-ing any faster than the population.) But the legislators want to do away with mandatory sentences, nix on paroles, bring on double-time sentences or tri-ple, solitary confinement, and capital punishment if we can get it by the senti-mentalists. They believe terror is the way to stop terror; violence requires counterviolence! "Never mind the causes of those crimes-just get the crimi-nals!" They tell us we need more policemen, more jails, more prisons, more heli-copters, more mace, more "security," more tough guys to deal with tough guys. Let's drown the tongues of fire and preserve our peace and way of life! Look at rape and treason and kidnapping and child abuse and wife abuse. They're not as evil as murder, but they are multiplying, which murder is not! Vandalism, the destruction of beautiful and valuable things, is ruthless, ugly, costly, violent. And mugging, stabbing, assaulting, maiming-all these ag-gressions against fellow creatures, especially weaker or less defensive ones, are surely crimes. What does cause all this perversity, this antihumanity? Who are these vil-lains? They were all children once. What made some of them turn against their fellow man and do forbidden things? We know this behavior isn't exactly inherited, but can it be perhaps con-genital, an innate streak of wickedness? The laws stating the limits of social behavior, forbidding violence and expressing our common disapproval and dislike of it, weren't laid down long ago by us-nor by those trespassers ei-ther. To "keep the peace and punish the evildoers," lawmakers wrote down a code. In olden times, it was the King's peace that was important to preserve, even by force; later the peace and safety of the King's subjects assumed some importance. We think of law as a community's conscience, a duty to maintain safety for all members. We accepted those laws as facts; they were there, written in the book. We didn't promise to obey then; in fact, we weren't asked to. We were told. We grew up impressed with the importance of power and possessions, not law abidance. "Them as has gits!" Life gets constantly more complicated and stressful and all through it "someone" tells us what we must do, or may not 304 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA do. The stress, the pressure of this compulsion weighs heavily on some al-ready pressured individuals. Some of us are under more (conscious) pressure than others. And some yield to those increasing pressures at the weakest point in our "defenses," as the psychologist calls them. Others reach out a hand and take, or strike. From a statistical point of view, those personal physical rebellions against accumulating pressures with the consequent injury of someone else are not the bulk of "crime." They are crimes, to be sure, but not crime. Violence characterizes a very small proportion of the detected criminal acts in any community. The noisy and newsy lawbreakings, unpleasant and frightening, are not the main bulk of lawbreaking. Crime is not simply a collection of killings and rapes and beatings interspersed with a few kidnappings. Crime is mostly a great mass of stealings, small and great, secret and overt, bloody and "clean," sneaking and spectacular, nice and nasty. Crime is mostly some-one taking for himself, without permission, the money or property of some-one else. Shoppers do it, clerks do it, deliverymen do it, secretaries do it, storehouse men do it, cashiers do it, lawyers do it, presidents do it, corporations do it, land companies do it. Let's face it, nearly everyone does it once-twice, oc-casionally, repeatedly, or constantly. Theft is a universal crime, committed by nearly all of us sometimes and by many of us all the time, daily, everywhere. Some people use their hands to steal. Some use their tongues, and swindle. Some do it with pen and ink, some with satchels and purses, some with dollies and trucks. There are hundreds of methods of stealing, cheating, rob-bing, thieving and swindling. Only a fraction of them are ever detected. I know a millionaire who brags about never paying any income tax. He makes good use of the blessings provided by his government but he never re-turns anything to it or to anyone else. He regards himself as shrewd and clever, even. I know (and you know) many friends whose cheating and steal-ing are no secret. We stole much of our American land from the Indians and Mexicans. Do we generally acknowledge it, or even think about it? Do we feel guilty? Neither, apparently, do many people we know to be stealing from us. Do you ask why people do this, why so many of us steal and cheat? Is it just people who need something who take it? Do you wonder if so many of us are "naturally dishonest?" Do you ask if cupidity is a disease or a normal response to something? I read the following in a newsletter yesterday: "An employee of a northern book company admitted to making a tidy sum for himself by stealing Bibles from his company's warehouse, then reselling the stolen goods to churches, happy to get the books at a reduced price. A special agent, posing as a ware-house employee, discovered that five employees had been regularly stealing whole sets of books. One employee, who had been working there five years, had been doing this for a year." THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 305 Don't ask me why we steal; tell me! Because we want to have something that isn't ours and have never acquired the conscience or wisdom or the abil-ity to resist the infantile temptation of grabbing. What are the causes of all these other less numerous but more disturbing crimes, the violent ones, the scary ones? Have I, as a psychiatrist, seen many of these offenders "up close"? Yes, I have, and I can generalize about them. Some of these acts are defensive measures against detection or recognition. Some of them are spurred by needs the doctors can't identify. Some people actually do snatch purses or steal food because they are hungry and penni

dear ones are. So-put poverty on the list, in great big letters. Add unemployment which threatens poverty. Put down the desperation of some poor devils who had gotten hooked on a drug habit. They have to steal, or suffer grievously. Don’t forget the stressed and strained and worried housewife who has no excitement in her life except a visit to the store! But most stealing is done by people who don’t need the things they steal. Many of my daughter’s clothes were stolen by college classmates. How about them? Why is this? We do have to have some rules and moral standards and laws to keep organizations, communities and nations together. If anyone is going to defy them, defy proprieties and good taste and law and order, defy even his conscience and common sense, he’d better be quick and clever, or expect to be caught and “dealt with.” This dealing-in most countries- means jail or probation. Most people avoid jail the first and second time they are caught. But to be sure of avoiding jail, the offender had better have some friends who will “do something for him.” If not, he’s going to be arrested, booked as a criminal, and we’re going to have to punish him. He’s a bad man. But we’ll “lam” him. At any rate, we will slow him up. He won’t steal so much again-soon. Some people need what the stolen object symbolizes or enables or gives ev-idence of-power, knowledge, expertise. I know one individual who stole much and frequently, discarding what he acquired, but he was immensely proud of his skill in avoiding detection. Some people steal to hurt the person or organization stolen from. None of these motives should have prevailed over the resolution to be honest-but they did. Why do people take this chance? What impels them? All those drugs, of course. Including alcohol, in a big way. Depressed, anxious, worried people shouldn’t take alcohol. Alco-hol leads to such things as beating up babies and stomping wives and steering automobiles into the wrong lane, and getting the red light mixed up with the green, and even getting mad and shooting a brother-in-law. Anger causes crime, too. Can we give that up? Everybody gets mad now and then-sometimes awfully mad. Some of us do things we regret. Minor (or major) frustrations, illnesses, continuous toothaches, no money for den-tal care, persistent backaches, recurrent arthritis, debts unpaid and mounting, disagreeable family members, obnoxious relations, annoying fellow workers. All kinds of things happen to people now and then. We get tired, and some- 306 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA times our feet hurt. Feet hurting a cause of crime? How ridiculous! Yes, it’s ridiculous always to single out one cause. But such things as hurting feet and hurting feelings can contribute much to a disorganization of personality and self-control. Too, there is such a thing as sex, a complicated web of impulses and re-straints, temptations and punishments. All kinds of mix-ups, disap-pointments, jealousies, angers, fears and sorrows. Those are among the dis-turbers of one’s equilibrium, the co-operating causes of crime. Jealousy was the cause of the first murder-Cain and Abel-and in many others since then. Many times it is a choice between committing a crime or committing sui-cide. Sometimes it may be between committing a crime or going crazy. Peo-ple steal (or commit other crimes) when to do so seems to them the lesser of two or more evil courses toward which they feel driven or pressured. Some people have no consciously perceived need to take, to snatch. Others are obsessed by it and are tempted to steal big with tax evasion, property rip- offs, frauds and other sorts of cleverness. I know that some of my friends are at it right now, and some of yours too. Why this ambition to pile up more money than friends or neighbors? What are the causes of hoarding, of cheat-ing, of lying? What kind of crime and punishment are we talking about when we use such general terms as “the causes” of crime? Are we talking about the big shots or about poor people’s crimes? Or are we just talking about jails’ popu- ations? Of course, one of the great, comprehensive universal human “causes” of crime is simply greed. Overweening greed in the adult is an uncontrolled per-sistence of infantile grasping and sucking. One learns to be considerate and fair. Greed in an adult is a good old-fashioned sin-one of the classical car-nal sins or immaturities. It has surely existed as far back as history records anything. It was a specific sin forbidden the children of Israel-on the tablets of Moses. With it go covetousness and acquisitiveness, and all the unlovely emotions that accompany them. Offered an opportunity to acquire something without being observed, these traits make for an obvious likelihood of a crime. The causes of being in jail are not the causes of crime. You can’t just get envious and steal Mrs. Smith’s diamond ring and get put in jail for it. To get there, you have to be caught. There are, of course, good lawyers who can keep you out-but can you get one? There are bail bondsmen; can you afford one? Property crimes are a kind of rich man’s game or a poor man’s gamble. If they win, fine. Who cares? If they lose, the rich get a lawyer and the poor go to jail. Everybody knows this. Everybody knows it’s wrong. Everyone knows that prisons make people worse and cost the state lots of money. It isn’t fair to lock some of these men up. But, as our President said, “Life is unfair.” THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 307 So we keep up this expensive farce. It’s expensive, it’s cruel, it’s barbaric, it’s dirty, it’s vile and it’s mostly undercover. It provides a living for a lot of people. They will take care of these jailbirds-a dreary and dreadful job. They’ll see that these villains don’t trouble my fair lady. The other great cause of crime, in a single word, is vengeance. Most vio-lent and many non-violent crimes are committed in a spirit of vindictiveness -for revenge. Revenge often against non-guilty people for pains and indigni-ties suffered way earlier. That usually means by parents and teachers and stepparents. The fright and pain suffered by children can’t be assuaged at the time they are beaten and slapped and kicked. But children have memories. Freud said that neurotics suffer from reminiscences. Criminals suffer from memories. Cruelty to children-and we know how evil and covert it is-is not forgotten. It is stored until an opportunity and a provocation to replay it on a substitute object, a “symbolic” substitute, presents itself. Then the abused child can exert his power and pay back his weaker victim the debt of days long ago when he was the weaker victim. He takes his re-venge for those beatings, those jerkings, those slappings, those cursings. Then comes society’s turn. The criminal “justice” system takes its revenge; later the repayment will be made to society by the embittered man, and the vicious circle continues. Our original question was, “What are the causes of crime?” We haven’t touched on the things a psychiatrist is supposed to know about-defective will power, lack of proper training, evil nature, basic wickedness. As long as we, society, handle the disobedient ones in the unjust, cruel, dehumanizing way I have described, society itself is going to maintain a stream of criminals by adding to the causes and reasons for crimes by the very devices it pretends to think are curing them. “Prisons manufacture criminals,” said Ramsey Clark one day in my hearing, “like Detroit manufactures automobiles.” Instead of any effort to discover and correct the vicious circle, what the system does is continue to give prisoners the motivation for going out and doing more of the things they did to get themselves jailed in the first place. Jails and prisons are re-enforcers and re-motivators. They constitute case- hardening machinery for making criminality. Prisoners are released from them full of bitterness, fright, resentment, fears, regrets, heartbreaks. The ex-prisoner re-enters a cold, hostile, suspicious world which doesn’t want him, which has few jobs ready for him, which expects him to find and keep one of those few jobs nevertheless, and pay his “way,” buy his food and shelter, re-establish his life and restore his sources of biological, psychological and so-cial survival. I repeat,
The greatest single cause of crime is the machinery that we have developed in "civilized society" to "control" it. credit: Karl Menninger, M.D., M.A.C.P., Menninger Foundation, Topeka, Kansas. 308 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA Criticism Whether criticism is strong or mild, direct or implied, most of us have one immediate, strong reaction: resentment verging on anger. We tend to take critical remarks as a direct attack on our total worth, our taste, our mental and physical abilities, our appearance and our very souls-and this holds true whether the offending comment pertains to the color of our socks or to our total lifestyle. If a person could discover the neurological patterns which criticism seems to activate, he could get rich overnight. People who are prone to forget their own telephone number or what they ate for breakfast never forget a critical word-ever. There are many shades and degrees of criticism, but really only three kinds: (a) that which is justified and fair; (b) that which may be justified but is delivered in a snide or hostile manner; and (c) the unjustified or brutal put-down. Most people react badly to all three, though the first is obviously the least irksome and can often be tolerated after the initial sting of resentment sub-sides. People in the arts and professions, if they are good at what they do, use constructive criticism to their advantage. But most of us will go to absurd lengths to avoid getting criticized. The first step in learning to handle criticism: Be sure you are really being criticized. Half the time, if you bother to examine the situation and the source, no criticism was intended-perhaps just careless or ambiguous use of words was involved. Also, don't invite criticism by such asking insincere questions such as, "Did you really like it?" or "How did I do?" If you can't take an honest answer to such questions you're better off not asking them. Secondly, if a criticism is justified, see it in its proper perspective. Don't in-terpret a remark about your appearance as a total put-down of your talent, brains, personal worth, etc. Also, be sure about the specifics and intent. Crit-icism is often intended by its giver as a backhanded compliment; that is, you look bad today, compared to how well you usually look; or, this effort of yours is inferior when compared to the high standards of everything else you do. If a criticism is unjustified, or given snidely, it will make you feel better if THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 309 you react immediately. Don't give the person who has unfairly gored you the satisfaction of knowing he or she has scored. Practice control. Stay cool. Of course, if you keep getting the same criticism from a number of people you should accept the fact that there is some justification to it. Finally, consider the source. Criticism always hurts, but it shouldn't hurt coming from the ignorant, the rude, the uninformed, the constant commentor who has a rotten tomato for everybody. Above all, don't brood on criticism. Dispose of it instantly by judging it as either deserved or gratuitous. If it's deserved, make a resolution to correct the fault then forget it. Don't let criticism poison a whole day or week. And, bearing in mind how it rankles, think twice before you criticize others. credit: Joel Wells, staff of The Thomas More Association, Chicago. Custody (When a Father Gets Custody) So you're a divorced man who got custody of the kids: First, the bad news: You are not as good and great as people will tell you. More than anything else you are probably lucky. The next time someone says how wonderful you are for raising your kids alone, remember that almost no one compliments a single woman for doing the same thing. Now the gpod news: You're going to find the experience very exciting. If you don't enjoy this opportunity to get close to your kids, share feelings with them, and enjoy the noise in the house, then you really ought to give the op-portunity to one of the millions of lonely divorced fathers who are reduced to weekend visitation. You may already know that you can't take a marriage and the kids away from a divorced man, place him in a bachelor apartment and tell him to "go play." While this may be the fantasy of many unhappily married men, it ioesn't translate into reality. You are raised in a "Very Married Culture" and you cannot expect yourself to immediately adjust to single parenthood. Keep in mind that no matter what your age, you are probably an "old dog" and the new tricks are not going to be mastered during the first week. Some non-romantic, nitty gritty, free advice to the single father: Your biggest headache will be finding help. If you can afford it, your 310 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA help should live in. This gives you the freedom to accept last-minute dinner invitations, cope with responsibilities that may require your attention in the evening, or occasionally do an evening with friends that wasn't planned. Remember, no matter how firm you resolve to be the World's Greatest Fa-ther, you are going to need time to cater to your needs. Be aware that moving a stranger into your house to care for your kids is a complicated maneuver. Everyone brings a certain amount of "excess bag-gage" into a relationship. No matter how thoroughly you've "screened" your help, there is no way to anticipate all the things that you and the kids do that will annoy the new "Nanny." No matter how hard you try, there will be cer-tain aspects of your parenting that "Nanny" will not approve. Be ready for this. You'll be surprised at her disapproval, because she seemed so absolutely perfect during the job interview. "Nanny" will probably develop a large "crush" on you. In a world of hard-drinking men who seldom show affection for their kids, you are con-sciously trying to be a decent father, and you are clearly inept at it. Your lit- tle-boy-lost posture will be very attractive to her. Establish an employee/ employer relationship immediately and maintain it. This means her quarters are absolutely private and not to be trespassed by either you or the kids. Al-ways address "Nanny" as Mrs. or Miss . First names breed contemptuous familiarity and can diminish the children's respect for the new authority person. "Nanny" must be supported at all times by you when the children are present. Never, repeat, Never take the children's side against her. On the other hand, make sure your "housekeeper" (as you'll probably refer to her) understands that there is only one parent in the house, and it is you. Tell her you feel obligated to support her in raising the children, but under no circum-stances is she to force the children to do anything. That's your job. If she be-gins with a whole bunch of "shoulds" for the kids, they'll draw imaginary Ve-netian blinds on her. All "shoulds" must come from you. Nevertheless, your housekeeper is human and you must allow her the free-dom to become discouraged, angry, sad and all the other human emotions that accompany child-raising. Your live-in help must know that she can com-municate all anxieties regarding the children with full confidence that you will take her seriously. Her grievance must be discussed with the children imme-diately and you must be supportive of her. If you find yourself consistently in disagreement with her then you must get another housekeeper. Under no circumstances should a housekeeper be given permission to ad-minister physical punishment to your children. When a real parent does it, it's tough enough on kids. They certainly don't need or want a "hired hitter." Never speak critically about your ex-wife. She is still their mother, and you owe your kids a genuine effort to present her in a positive way. Your main task as a parent is to make clear to your children in count-less ways that they are loved. Psychiatry, analysis and research may occa- THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 311 sionally develop contradictory conclusions, except for one tenet about which there is no argument: Your kids must know they are loved. You owe them every effort to make visitation by your ex-wife conven-ient. She should be welcome according to the agreement, but she should not be encouraged to spend the night in your house with your kids. This could cause confusion to your children (especially the younger ones). You know your marriage is over, your wife knows it is over, and your kids should know and understand it as well. Providing live-in accommodations for your ex-wife could blur the separation, which may be damaging to young children, who often harbor fantasies about a reconciliation. If you are worried about the well-being of your kids, let them know it. You don't have to drive them crazy, but, remember, being reasonably anx-ious about their health and welfare is a sign of love. Of course, you have a right to know where your kids are at all times. If you are back in the social whirl, make sure your kids meet your friends of both sexes. If you are dating, bring her home, avoid theatrical niceties, allow for imperfect human behavior, and avoid dramatic demon-strations of affection. If you are involved with a woman and expressing your-self intimately, you are now coming face to face with single parenthood's most distracting problem: whether or not to share the same bedroom. Now the ball is in your court. Your decision should be based on your own moral code and your evaluation of your feelings about your partner. Questions to help you decide should include: Is this relationship going to last? If it ends, how soon can the kids expect you back with another woman? With how many women can you share a bedroom in front of your kids with-out affecting their moral perception? Remember also, if you choose to reserve your intimacy outside your home, your kids are going to draw their own con-clusions before too long. When do discretion and dishonesty begin? I never said it would be easy. credit: Phil Donohue, TV host of "The Phil Donohue Show." Cystic Fibrosis Millions of American children suffer from lung-damaging diseases. Of illnesses treated by pediatricians, 75 percent involve respiratory prob-lems. Of illnesses which strike children, lung disease is the second major cause of death. It is a health problem of frightening proportions. 312 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA The most serious chronic lung-damaging disease is cystic fibrosis. It can affect not only the lungs, but also the gastrointestinal system. Other serious lung-damaging diseases affecting infants and children include hyaline mem-brane disease, severe asthma, chronic bronchitis, bronchiectasis, persistent pneumonia and a condition resembling adult emphysema. WHAT IS CYSTIC FIBROSIS? CF, a genetic (inherited) disease, is a leading cause of death in children and young adults. In CF, chronic lung infection produces sticky mucus which clogs the lungs and airways, creating breathing difficulties, high suscep-tibility to further infection and lung damage. The mucus may also interfere with digestion by preventing the flow of enzymes from the pancreas into the small intestine, causing malabsorption of food. CF happens approximately once in every sixteen hundred births, when a child inherits two genes for CF, one from each parent. In each pregnancy, a child born to parents with the CF gene will have a 25 percent chance of hav-ing the disease, a 50 percent chance of being a symptomless carrier, and a 25 percent chance of escaping both the CF gene and the disease. When only one parent has the CF gene, none of the children will have the disease itself, but they could be symptomless carriers. Research developments may soon make it possible to detect symp-tomless carriers. Research is trying to identify characteristics in the cells and blood of both CF patients and their parents that could be isolated to provide accurate testing. When such a test is perfected for practical screening, pro-spective parents could learn if they are among the ten million CF gene car-riers in the United States. A "sweat test" for measuring salt content in the sweat is a major tool in es-tablishing the diagnosis of CF. Sweat in CF patients has an abnormally high salt content, a condition not occurring in other lung-damaging diseases. The earlier a child is diagnosed and treated, the better his chances for improved health, stable lung condition, and prolonged life. Diagnosis in infancy, when-ever possible, is strongly recommended. Treatment for CF children varies with each individual child and is deter-mined by the attending physician. Treatment often includes postural drain-age, a type of therapy which helps the patient cough up mucus from the lungs and bronchial tubes; inhalation of aerosols to loosen thick mucus; and special medications and diet supplements such as antibiotics, pancreatic enzymes and vitamins. Some children with CF take as many as forty or fifty pills a day. Children with other lung-damaging diseases benefit greatly from some of the same treatment as those with CF. Little more than a decade ago, most CF babies died in pre-school age. Thanks to improved therapy and expanded research, increasing numbers of THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 313 individuals with CF are surviving into adolescence and adulthood with the ability to lead more normal and active lives than ever before. The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation conducts a CF Adult Program to help those fifteen years and older with physical, emotional and career development. More than a hundred CF centers associated with the Cystic Fibrosis Foun-dation offer the services of respiratory specialists and the latest therapy for CF and other children's lung diseases. CF centers screen and evaluate chil-dren with lung-damaging diseases, offering diagnosis, patient-referral and care. Precise diagnosis of lung-damaging diseases requires specialized knowl-edge as the symptoms of CF and other lung-damaging diseases are often sim-ilar and can be misleading. Center personnel train parents in administering the home care therapy and medication needs of lung-damaged children. Hyaline membrane disease occurs in the first days of life of some prema-turely bom infants. It may resolve completely, or lead to prolonged respira-tory distress. Asthma with lung damage: An allergic condition, common in childhood and frequently outgrown, can occur seasonally or throughout the year. It is characterized by labored breathing, wheezing, coughing and mucus produc-tion. Associated infection can cause chronic bronchitis and damage to air-ways. It is frequently familial. Chronic bronchitis: Prolonged irritation and infection of bronchial tubes with progressively severe attacks of coughing, production of mucus and loss of weight. Can be very serious if of long duration. Smoking in parents may aggravate this condition in the children who live in the same household. Bronchiectasis: Caused by long-term bronchitis, asthma, pneumonia, whooping cough, cystic fibrosis or lung collapse. Involves breakdown of bronchial walls and even cartilage. Children may have fever, are under-weight. Very rare, and may be serious. Childhood emphysema: Name given to overinflation and destruction of lung tissue resulting from chronic respiratory disease, with obstruction and hyperaeration. Can result from previous treated lung disease, such as some viral pneumonias. Disorders of lung development: Many children are born with abnormal size or placement of one or both lungs. In addition, the breathing tubes or blood supply to the lungs may not have developed properly before the baby was born, leading to respiration difficulties throughout life. Recurrent or persistent pneumonia: Some children, because of abnormal structure of their lungs, or because of a malfunctioning system of immunity to infection, suffer repeated episodes of pneumonia. If not properly treated, permanent damage to the lung develops. Recurrent wheezing; persistent coughing/excessive mucus; pneumonia more than once; excessive appetite/poor weight gain; clubbing (enlargement of fingertips). 314 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA Additionally, signs of cystic fibrosis may include: salty taste of the skin, nasal polyps, and persistent, bulky diarrhea. Any child with one or more of these signs should be examined by his or her physician or at a CF center. Because someone you know-perhaps you-may be one of the estimated ten million CF gene carriers in the United States. You may have or know a child with a chronic respiratory problem who could greatly benefit from prompt diagnosis and expert treatment. It is important because there are mil-lions of children struggling for the breath of life, and they need you. The Foundation, established in 1955, is dedicated to the research and clin-ical care which is essential for children with lung-damaging disease. CFF grants to scientists and researchers are bringing us closer to the primary ob-jective of the organization: finding a cure or control for cystic fibrosis. It is also leading to better understanding of the causes and controls for all diseases which affect the lungs of children. CFF training and sponsorship of CF cen-ters is continually improving the quality of care-indeed, the quality of life- for children with respiratory problems. The Foundation also conducts public and professional education programs, sponsors medical and scientific sym-posiums, and acts as a source of assistance and guidance to its chapters. The CFF co-operates in a worldwide effort toward better understanding of genetic problems and pediatric pulmonary illnesses. There are one hundred local chapters of the CFF, many of which have branch operations in major communities. Manned by volunteers and profes-sional staff, local chapters conduct the annual CF Breath of Life Campaign to provide funds for chapter activities and the National Foundation's pro-grams. Chapters provide informational assistance to families of lung- damaged children and can make referrals to various local agencies for finan-cial aid. (Many states include cystic fibrosis under the Crippled Children's programs.) The total care of a CF patient can cost $5,000 yearly in drugs, dietary supplements, equipment, hospitalization and clinic evaluations. Chap-ters are a source of information on available CF center care and conduct year-round public information activities on the problems of lung disease in children. credit: Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, Atlanta, Georgia. Checked for accuracy and amended by Mary Ellen Avery, M.D., Physician-in-Chief, Children's Hospital, Boston, Massachusetts. THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 315 Dandruff It has been said that nothing stops dandruff like a blue serge suit. Actually, dandruff can be "stopped" by prescription preparations, antidandruff sham-poos and rinses, but so far there is no known cure for the pesky condition. The only thing dandruff is good for is the economy. Last year Americans spent nearly $75 million trying to get rid of it. What is dandruff? Dandruff in its simplest form is flaking and itching of the scalp. It can become a social or cosmetic problem when many large flakes hang loosely in the hair or fall onto the shoulders. In simple dandruff there is no inflammation, swelling, or redness. If any of these symptoms develop, it usually means that a more severe form of dandruff has developed. This goes under the medical name of seborrheic der-matitis. Psoriasis and ringworm of the scalp can also cause scaling that may look like dandruff. If recognized, this condition should be treated by a physician immediately. Who gets dandruff? Practically everyone feels that he or she has had a dandruff problem at one time or another. Only 6 percent of a representative sample of U.S. citizens claim never to have had dandruff. Cradle cap of in-fancy is a form of dandruff. Otherwise, dandruff is seldom seen in children before the age of eleven or twelve. Observations made during clinical trials of shampoo products show that when a large group (4,000) was examined seven days after each had had a shampoo, 10 percent of the group had enough scalp scaling to be concerned about it as a cosmetic problem. Another 13 percent was close to this level. What causes dandruff? Medical science cannot yet answer this question. Until recently many medical authorities did not recognize simple dandruff as a disease. Today, thanks to work made public within the last few years, it is known that skin from scalps of people with dandruff is abnormal. Simple dandruff is a low-grade inflammation of the skin in areas of the body with increased oil production. That is, it occurs in areas with increased numbers of sebaceous glands with its oily product, sebum. Dandruff will flare up during times of increased sebum production. One of the most popular theories for the cause of dandruff is that microorganisms (the bacteria and yeast-like fungi that live on the scalp) cause dandruff. Many of the anti- 316 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA dandruff products on the market are based on this theory. However, this theory has not been proved. Dandruff is definitely not contagious. It is also not a ringworm or fungus infection. It is not a malignancy or an early form of skin cancer. Dandruff comes and goes, but no ones knows for certain why. One investi-gator believes the severity of dandruff may increase during spells of emo-tional stress or following respiratory infection. In general, dandruff will often flare up during the winter, with pregnancy, lack of sleep, or overwork, and at times of excessive alcohol consumption. For unknown reasons, it often ap-pears with certain neurologic diseases. Dandruff is not an allergic condition and, contrary to popular opinion, does not lead to baldness. One of the confusing things about dandruff is that the skin may seem dry and flaky even though the rash occurs in oily areas. This is explained by the fact that the oily sebum in some way causes inflammation in the skin, which in turn irritates the skin and causes the flaking and itching. Dandruff is often patchy. A person can have noticeable dandruff on one part of the head and no scaling on another part. Dandruff can also commonly occur in other areas of the body, such as the eyebrows, sides of the nose, beard area, ears, central part of the chest, armpits and groin. Dandruff can appear at any age after adolescence, either gradually or quite suddenly. It may last for years or may disappear after a few weeks. Even though it is a chronic condition, it can usually be completely controlled without an outright cure. While there is no final cure, proper action can control the problem. What can be done about dandruff? Despite the fact that the cause of dandruff is unknown, dandruff can be managed. If there is nothing on your scalp but loose flakes, with the skin beneath it appearing normal, improvement may result from a program of improved scalp hygiene. Many dandruff remedies are sold without a prescription. They are availa-ble as shampoos, post-shampoo treatments, or hairdressings. Which form is chosen is a matter of personal preference. Frequent shampooing is always the initial step in dandruff treatment. For some people once a week is enough, though for many people two or three times a week is much more effective. If there is any redness, swelling, oozing or scabbing, the condition is prob-ably more than simple dandruff. It is best managed by a physician. Derma-tologists have traditionally treated dandruff in its severe forms with sulfur, cortisone, salicylic acid, resorcinol, tar and, more recently, selenium sulfide. The concentration of the medication and the frequency of use depend on the severity of the condition, as determined by the physician. These medications are available on prescription as a cream, lotion or spray. Daily shampooing may be necessary to control the oiliness, itching and scaling. Once under control, you find out by trial how often to use the medications. THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 317 Treatment is necessary more often during flare-ups but can be tapered off when it subsides. In addition, ample rest and recreation will help. Sunlight is often beneficial and summer may bring a spontaneous remission. Scalp massage and medica-tions that claim to improve scalp circulation are without benefit. A word about effectiveness. Published information is scarce. It is difficult, therefore, to assess the effectiveness of the many products available. A physi-cian (preferably a dermatologist) can help you decide the best method of treatment. credit: Gregory L. Jenkins, M.D., dermatologist, San Jose, California. Death and Dying, Made into a Human Experience Many books and papers have been written in the last decade dealing with the issue of dehumanized care in hospitals and nursing homes with patients who are chronically incapacitated-especially those who have an incurable illness and face imminent death. Not too long ago, these patients were given sedatives rather than told the truth and given a chance to deal with their emotions. They received excellent nursing care in order to prevent bedsores and dehydration (loss of fluids) by being put on intravenous feedings when they became too weak to drink or eat. No one, however, dealt with the emotional and spiritual aspects of these lonely and often isolated people who spent their last days or weeks in a strange, unfamiliar environment with a change of nursing shifts and a medi-cal staff whose names the patients did not even know. Children are usually not permitted to visit hospitals, especially for critically ill patients. Visiting hours in Intensive Care Units are often restricted to five minutes every hour. Dying was-and still is-in many hospitals a lonely or-deal alternating between excruciating pain and strict orders "not to make a dope addict" out of patients, to have sedation where the patient drifts in and out of a semiconscious state and is unable to communicate his needs or share his wishes or personal experiences. No wonder people dread entering a hospital, which instantly sees to it that they receive a plastic armband on which is printed their name but has the staff call patients "honey" and "sweetie" and say, "Let's see if we can have a 318 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA bowel movement now," as if the patient was a helpless child, deferring to the convenience of the staff when to perform the most natural of bodily func-tions. Staff come and go without knocking at the door, without asking for permis-sion to examine them. They stick needles in arms or legs and tell them when they are allowed to sit, walk, visit or eat. For many patients this is a tremendous shock and adjustment. But they tol-erate it out of fear-with much repressed resentment, guilt and shame. Hos-pitalization is a great financial burden to most families. It places an enormous amount of stress on people at a time when they should mobilize all their energies to fight against disease. When a terminal illness has been verified and the treatment has been exhausted, the family is often much better informed than the person whose life is at stake. The behavior of staff and relatives changes in a subtle way. Visits become shorter and less frequent and dialogues more shallow. Rules are broken. Relatives visit from faraway places with excuses of "being in town for a day or two." The patient is naturally aware that the anxiety level increases the moment he makes an attempt to discuss the true state of affairs. When he dares to ask the physician about his outlook, he may get a remark like, "Well, today you sure look much better than last week," and the real issue is avoided. When he finally comers his favorite nurse with a complaint that "no one 'levels' with me," the nurse, embarrassed about her own appar-ent impotence, replies, "You'll have to ask your doctor." Later, when the pa-tient confronts his wife, she smilingly projects her own despair and hope by saying, "Now, honey, don't think about such things. All you have to do is eat a little more and you will get stronger soon." While all this game-playing is going on, the patient goes quietly through his own adjustment. At first he may not want to accept the fact that he is dying. He may pass through a stage of denial and seek out another doctor who will tell him the first doctor was wrong. But soon he is aware that it is his own de-spair that prevents him from facing the truth. Gradually, he drops this de-fense, knowing that he will not be able to take care of his unfinished business as long as he cannot mobilize enough courage to face the outcome. Many a patient goes through a period of rebellion and anger, a sense of deep resentment directed at those who are well, those who play games and remind him of his previous ability to function and tell him that in time he will again be in control of his life. Rather than take this anger personally, the family and staff should facilitate the expression of these natural emotions, thus helping them to empty the pool of repressed anger and resentment, free-ing all the energy that could be used for positive rather than negative fighting. While children with leukemia may grieve the loss of their hair (due to the treatment), a man may mourn his inability to be productive and a mother her separation from the children. These natural grief reactions again have to be ventilated rather than repressed. It is only by encouraging the open expres- THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 319 sion of anger, grief, guilt and shame that we can help our fellow man to free himself of all this energy-consuming negativity and assist him toward the true and genuine feeling of wholeness, pride and self-acceptance. These patients should not be put on valium or other antidepressants to sedate their feelings when they finally have the courage to face the real loss and impending separation. It is a genuine loss and tears are the healthiest means of expression of this natural grief. When a patient is supported without criticism of his behavior by an under-standing member of family or staff, the process of anger followed by accept-ance will require a very short time and enable the patient to live free of anxi-ety and fear for whatever time he (or she) has left. When all treatment has been exhausted, it has become our procedure to ask the patient and family if they will take the patient home to die. Most families are grateful for the opportunity. The use of the Brompton Mixture has facilitated this move. The Brompton Mixture is a fully acceptable and legally permissible pain cocktail which requires a physician's prescription and can be mixed by any local phar-macist. Details are available through Mr. Gregg Humma, Department of Phar-macy, Methodist Hospital, Indianapolis, Indiana, or Dr. William Dugan, distinguished cancer specialist at the same address. Be sure to enclose your phy-sician's name and address. He will receive a brochure and instructions. We are now able to keep our cancer patients free of pain and fully alert and conscious with the use of this oral pain-cocktail. It eliminates injections, and makes it possible for patients to communicate without difficulty until the last moments of life. When a patient dies at home, we usually make a few house calls to assure that everything necessary is being done to keep the patient comfortable and that the emotional and spiritual needs of patient and family are being met. Since our research has verified the death experience as a painless, anxiety- free shedding of the body with emergence into a different form of life with continued consciousness and growth, we usually explain this experience to small children in symbolic language like the emergence of the butterfly out of a cocoon "when the time is right." This reflects simultaneously our own phi-losophy that there is a time to be born and a time to die and that we should neither shorten life nor artificially prolong the dying process because of our own fears and inability to let go. Our own Growth and Healing Center, "Shanti Nilaya"-which means The Home of Peace-in Escondido, California, is the first retreat center of its kind in the United States where people of all ages, creeds and cultural or eco-nomic background can come in order to pass through this process without waiting until they are faced with a terminal illness. It has been proved through many workshops with a variety of people across the world that we 320 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA have the ability to conquer our greatest fears about death and eliminate nega-tive feelings such as shame and guilt, which prevent us from living fully and from learning to love without strings, conditions and claims on others. Our tendency in the past has been to protect our children and patients from facing such difficult and painful issues as death and dying. We believe that this is a protection for ourselves and not an act of love. As one of our greatest teachers once said: "To truly love means to live without fear of life's storms, knowing that should you shield the canyons from the windstorms you could never enjoy the beauty of its carvings." credit: Elisabeth Kiibler-Ross, M.D., Flossmoor, Illinois, author of On Death and Dying, New York: The Macmillan Co., 1969. Death of a Child (How to Deal with It) FOR BEREAVED PARENTS