Dear Ann Landers,
at is killing our marriage. When D. and I walked down the aisle, he was only a few pounds overweight. I pledged to quit smoking if he would promise to slim down. I have not touched a cigarette since our wedding day. D. has gained 50 pounds. He is a great guy. We enjoy each other, our children and our lives. But those mounds of fat are coming between us. He doesn't understand why our sex life isn't what it used to be. I try, but I'm turned off by those rolls of fat around his middle. Even his kisses leave me cold because his jowls are flabby. I decided a long time ago not to nag since I don't want to hurt him. I fix proper meals and keep no fattening snacks around the house, but I can't padlock his mouth when he walks out the door. Please help me, Ann.

Dear Lovely,
You are wise not to nag. It won't help. Your husband knows he needs to lose weight and probably hates what he has done to himself, but the man has a problem. Your best bet is his doctor. When did your husband last have a checkup? This you can nag him about. It won't hurt his vanity. Make the appointment, and enlist the doctor's help. You'll get it. Obesity is hard on the heart and is one of the major contributing factors to high blood pressure. Tip the doctor off to sug-gest Weight Watchers or Overeaters Anonymous. Both are excellent, and they're in the phone book. Good luck to you. Dear Arm Landers: The woman I married two years ago was R11- benesque, or should I say "heavy"? I've always been interested in large women; I'm one of the many males in this country known as "chubby chasers." "Isabelle" went on a strict diet last year at the instigation of her girl-friends, and she is now as skinny as a rail. I am no longer interested in her sexually. She knew when I married her that I liked obese women, so I've con-cluded that she is more interested in pleasing her girlfriends than me. The Rest nr Ann La mi us Isabelle weighed 180 pounds when we married and she looked fabu-lous. Now she weighs about 105 and looks like she has tuberculosis. I gave her an ultimatum that unless she gains at least 50 pounds I am leaving. She is shocked and angry. Please put out the word that plump women are very desirable to some men, and if a woman is heavy when she gets married, she should stay that way. -Love Those Love Handles in Philadelphia Dear Philadelphia: The only mention of love in your letter appears in the signature, and that reference has more to do with sex. Full-figured women will be delighted with what you have written, but I wonder about a relationship based solely on weight. It sounds pretty light to me. Here are a few of the most common questions I've been asked about sex: Is oral sex wrong... or kinky? No. The desire to have oral sex is an instinctive drive. It is not, as some people believe, deviant behavior learned from pornographic movies and magazines. No sexual act between married adults is kinky provided it is not painful. Open communication, discussion and experimenta-tion will let each couple know what brings the greatest erotic pleasure. If one of you wants oral sex and the other does not, discuss your objec-tions with a therapist who specializes in sex problems. If, after a gen-uine effort, you still do not feel comfortable with oral sex, your husband-or wife, as the case may be-should respect your wishes. Any individual who wants oral sex for him or herself and is not will-ing to reciprocate is selfish and exploitive. To what extent can one share fantasies with another? There are no hard and fast rules. It depends on the taste, sense of humor, self-possession and emotional strength of the people involved. Fantasy sharing is an option, not an obligation. There is no all-purpose formula for what ought to be shared or how. Given the fact that most people are ashamed and guilty about their fantasy lives, it is likely that fantasy sharing in most relationships will be minimal. Slow, gradual, tasteful, witty sharing of daydreams is probably a sign of a healthy development. Is it OK to fake an orgasm? One reader wrote that she'd been faking orgasms for years, and now she wondered if she should confess to her husband that she had been pretending. She went on to say that their sex life was good and she didn't feel cheated but she felt guilty. My reply was simple: If it ain't broke, don't fix it. What does it mean when a woman enjoys sex but rarely has an orgasm? Is there something wrong with her? No. Many women who are sexually active do not climax more than half the time. Some women never do. If you find sexual intercourse pleas-ant and fulfilling, orgasm is not important. My advice is: Quit count-ing. Enjoy yourself. Does a man have to have an orgasm to get a woman pregnant? No. Even without orgasm, a few drops of semen can seep into the vagina, and if the woman is in her fertile phase, pregnancy is possible. Is it dangerous to have sexual intercourse during pregnancy? Most obstetricians approve of sex during pregnancy up to two weeks before delivery, unless there is some medical problem. If the woman has gained a great deal of weight, she should ask her doctor about var-ious positions that will be satisfying to both her and her husband. If the physician recommends abstinence or restraint in sexual ac-tivity for a certain length of time before or after delivery, the condi-tion should be explained to both husband and wife, thus avoiding unnecessary strain on their relationship. The couple should also be encouraged and possibly helped to communicate openly with each other about their sexual feelings and desires. Alternative forms of sexual gratification can be recommended. Oral-genital sex and man-ual stimulation can be satisfying and rewarding without physiological ill effect. If you are ill, it is perfectly OK to decline the invitation. The Best iif Ann Laniiers (i 1 Can a nursing mother become pregnant? Although nursing does lower hormone levels and sometimes prevents pregnancy, don't count on it. As a method of birth control, it can be risky. There are children born 11 and 12 months apart. Often it is the result of believing that old wives' tale that a nursing mother can't get pregnant. Is there a sex life after hysterectomy? Many women have this fear. As one woman wrote: "Doctors have told me I need a hysterectomy. I have been warned by woman friends that this operation will put an end to my sexual desire. I am only 41 years old and would hate to think of life without sex. Please tell me if these stories are true." Every gynecologist and obstetrician I have consulted tells me there is no medical reason for this to occur. True, if the ovaries are removed, the loss of hormonal output can reduce the excitement level in some women, but this can be remedied by taking estrogen. (Females who have had cancer or are at risk should not take estrogen.) Many women say doctors are unsympathetic when they tell them they have lost "that old feeling" after surgery and are furious that they were not told of these consequences in advance. So, I went to the psychiatrists and psy-chologists. This is what I was told: Women whose sex lives are nega-tively affected by a hysterectomy may be suffering from a psychological problem that prevents them from having pleasure. This is particularly true of females of childbearing age, who may subconsciously feel that the loss of their reproductive organs has left them less of a woman. Women who have been reared to believe that sex is only for procreation may feel that since they can no longer have babies, they do not deserve to enjoy sexual pleasure. I recommend counseling for any woman who, after a hysterectomy (or tubal ligation), believes that her sex life is over. Does a woman's sex life end after menopause? One reader wrote, "I used to enjoy sex. But now at age 54,1 find that sex is actually painful. Can anything be done about this?" Dr. George M. Ryan, an obstetrician-gynecologist in Memphis, says discomfort may be due to an estrogen deficiency that causes dryness in ANN LANDERS the vaginal area. This is normal for women your age. Your gynecolo-gist can prescribe estrogen pills and a vaginal cream. One caveat, how-ever: A slight risk of developing endometrial cancer may be present among women who take estrogen. It goes without saying that a woman who has had cancer should not take estrogen in any form. The same applies to pregnant women. These women should use a lubricant. What can be done about premature ejaculation? One woman whose husband has this problem wrote: "It frustrates him and makes me angry. I know he can't help it, but it's hell to be left dan-gling." Years ago, Masters and Johnson developed a technique a wife can use to help her husband hold off. Your gynecologist should be able to describe it to you. If he or she doesn't know about this technique, you might consider switching gynecologists or consulting a sex therapist. Here's a letter on the subject: