Dear Ann Landers,
everal weeks ago, my husband had a severe at-tack of indigestion. He believes it was a mild heart attack and has been afraid to have sex ever since. I have tried to explain that he has nothing to worry about. I remem-ber reading in your column that sex is OK even if a man has had a heart attack. In fact, it might be beneficial. If I say anything, I am a dummy, but he thinks you hung the moon, kiddo. Please help me out. -Nervous in Nevada

Dear Nevada,
Your memory has served you well. Too bad you didn't save that column. What's more, according to the Harvard Med-ical School Health Letter (March 1986), a widely quoted Japanese study provided more valuable information on this subject. Investigators analyzed the autopsy records of 5,000 people who had died suddenly. Of this group, 34 had died during intercourse. Of the 34, 30 were with someone other than their spouse, and the partner was, on the average, 18 years younger. Moreover, all had blood alcohol levels in the range of intoxication. The conclusion I draw is that extramarital affairs with a much younger woman after boozing it up can be lethal. Contact your husband's physician. The man needs to hear from an authority that sexual activity, even after a heart attack, can be physi-cally as well as psychologically beneficial. In November of 1984, I published a letter from a woman who wrote the fol-lowing: "Ifyou were to ask 100 women how they feel about sexual intercourse, HI bet 98 percent would say, Just hold me close and be tender. Forget about the act. ' If you don 't believe it, why not take a poll?" I replied, "You're on." I then asked the women in my reading audience to send a postcard or letter with a reply to the question "Wouldyou be content to be held close and treated tenderly and forget about 'the act'? Reply yes or no and please add one line: 7 am over (or under) 40 years of age. ' No signature is necessary. " Well, dear readers, I received more than 90,000 responses. The mail room looked like a disaster area. We had to put on extra help. The employees worked double shifts and weekends, yet the mailbags seemed to multiply like rabbits. And the mail came from everywhere. I believe the intense interest in this poll makes a statement about what goes on behind closed doors in the bedrooms of the world. It also says something about communication and fulfillment (or the lack of it) among great numbers of couples-both married and unmarried-who are having sexual relations. Seventy-two percent of the women who responded said they would be content to be held tenderly and forget about the act. Was I surprised at the outcome of the poll? Yes-but not very. I could have guessed the way it would go. But I never dreamed that more than 90,000 women would be moved to express themselves on this highly intimate subject. Nor would I have predicted the per-centages or the passion with which so many women described their sex lives. The greatest revelation, to me at least, is what the poll says about men as lovers. A 32-year-old from Atlanta put it this way: "He insists on getting his satisfaction, so why shouldn't I have mine?" Clearly, there is trouble in paradise. From Columbus, Ohio: I am under 40 and would be delighted to settle for tender words and warm caresses. The rest of it is a bore and can be exhausting. I am sure the sex act was designed stricdy for the pleasure of males. Anchorage: I am under 40 (26 to be exact). I want three children, so obviously I need more than conversation. After I have my family, I would happily settle for separate rooms. Sex doesn't do a thing for me. Westport, Conn.: I vote yes. My husband is a diabetic and hasn't been able to perform for 10 years. I would have voted yes 20 years ago. He never botEiered to satisfy me when he had his health. His illness was a blessing. Kansas City: I'm 55 and vote yes. The best part is the cuddling and caressing and the tender words that come with caring. My first hus-band used to rape me about five times a week. If a stranger had treated me like that, I would have had him arrested. Chicago: I don't want either his tender words or the act. My hus-band became impotent from alcoholism 10 years ago. The only word I'd like from him is goodbye, but the bum won't leave. Helena, Mont.: No. I am 32. To say that touching and tender words are sufficient is like settling for the smell of freshly baked bread and ig-noring the nourishment it provides. Such people must be crazy. Texarkana: Yes. Without the tender embrace, the act is animalistic. For years, I hated sex and felt used. I was relieved when my husband died. My present mate is on heart pills that have made him impotent. It's like heaven to be held and cuddled. Washington, D.C.: Yes, yes, a million times yes\\ I would love to be spoken to tenderly. It would be enough. My boyfriend never says a word. If I say anything, he says, "Be quiet. You're spoiling things." Eureka, Calif.: I'm 62 and voting no. If my old man were over the hill, I would settle for high school necking, but as long as he's able to shake the walls and wake up the neighbors downstairs, I want to get in on the action. And I'll take an encore anytime I can get it. A man wrote to say his wife was no longer interested in sex. He said she thought this was perfectly normal because of my survey back in 1984, which showed that 12 percent of women prefer being held close and treated tenderly to "the act. " He added, "That's why so many men are out looking for the other 28 percent. " The man asked me to put this question to my male readers: "How many of you males would settle for being held tenderly and be willing to forget about 'the act'?" The response was overwhelming. I received 67,588 replies. Out of the 61,588, only 5,600 males, almost all over 60 years of age, said they were will-ing to settle for cuddling and forget about "the act. " Here's a sampling: From Dallas: The older I get, the longer it takes, but I won't settle for cuddling until that's all I can do. Lafayette, Ind.: Any man who would settle for holding his wife ten-derly is getting some action somewhere else. Dallas: Being held tenderly is much more romantic than "the act." Any animal can perform the act, but only a loving person can experi-ence the thrill of being held close. It says far more than words. Des Moines: Settle for being held tenderly? Are you kidding? No way. I am 74. My wife is 70. My sweetie pie is 55. Chicago: After four children, my wife cut me off. I lived like a monk for three years, and then I met a beautiful woman who was as unful-filled as I was. Now it's the Fourth of July every week. Bloomfield Hills, Mich.: The greatest pleasure is to give pleasure. I'm sorry for men who don't know this. Springfield, Mass.: Any doctor will tell you an active sex life helps men stay healthy. I'm hot to trot at 76. Omaha: I'm a widower with arthritis. The doctor says I should keep active. Sex is better than the NordicTrack. St. Louis: Bag "the act." Two hours of cuddling vs. 30 seconds of sweat? I didn't have to think twice. Tulsa: What's with these people who just want to be held? Are they dead? My wife said "No more" after our only child was born, so I found a fabulous "friend" who has made me very happy. Miami: My wife claims that holding her close is nothing more than "upper persuasion for a lower invasion." San Francisco: I married a nun-"There will be nun of this and nun of that"-so I hunted up an old flame. Porterville, Calif.: Don't those fools know that being held tenderly can lead to "the act"? It always does in our house. Kansas City: I'll answer for my husband. He doesn't do either. So where does that leave me? Up that well-known creek. Worcester, Mass.: You once wrote, "Use it or lose it." I'm using it, and it's terrific. I'm an 82-year-old widower. (Please don't print my name. I have all I can handle.) Washington, D.C.: Time has taken its toll. I'm reminded of that wonderful line by Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, "Oh to be 70 again." (I'm 83.) Montreal: I am settling, though not by choice. My "get up and go" got up and went. Anchorage; Springdale, Ark.; Florence, Ala.; Midvale, Utah; Phoenix; Fort Wayne; New York and Boston, the same response: Hell no. Newport News, Va.: We've been married 47 years, and neither of us has ever strayed. Our love is complete. Charleston, S.C.: This world has gone sex crazy, and TV is to blame. Sex should be for procreation, not recreation. The Bible doesn't say anything about cuddling. I'm 52 and unmarried. Los Angeles: It is better not to cuddle if you don't intend to go all the way. Something unexpected can happen, as many girls in my school have learned. (Age 17.) Springfield, 111.: I still have the urge to merge, but high blood pres-sure medication has slowed me down a lot. My wife is very under-standing and satisfies my needs. Portland, Maine: Have you heard that sex is now a misdemeanor? The more dey miss da meaner dey get. Carbondale, 111.: Cuddling without sex is like holding a baseball sea-son ticket that states you must leave every game in the sixth inning. I vote no. Odessa, Fla.: Lack of sex at home is why we have massage parlors, dating services, call girls, topless bars and prostitution. Men want more than being held tenderly. Wake up out there. Brisbane, Australia: Anyone who would settle for being held tenderly is looking for nothing but companionship. I suggest he buy a dog. Hemet, Calif.: My wife, 80, is terminally ill in a convalescent home. I see her and hold her hand every day. Yes, if I could have her on our big, clean bed and cuddle her just one more time, I would be happy to die with her. Mobile: My wife is 59. I am 60. We have been married 41 years. Our sex life was once very satisfying, but no more. Now I am permit-ted "access" every Monday between 6 a.m. and 6:15-by the clock. This may explain why so many older men are interested in younger women. New York: After a year of marriage, my wife said, "Let's just cud-dle." The following day, I suggested that we go to her favorite restau-rant. When we got there, I told her we weren't going to be seated. Instead, we would just stand by the kitchen and smell the food. (We are both 40.) Deep River, Ontario: Getting my wife to have sex is like pulling teeth. I seriously considered visiting a house of prostitution, but this is a small town, and I don't know if there are any such places here. Dear Friend: This is Ann talking. I checked with the municipal de-partment in Deep River (no listing for the Chamber of Commerce), and you are right. She said, "No houses of prostitution here-that we know of." For more information on impotence and sexual dysfunctions, contact: American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists P.O. Box 238 Mount Vernon, IA 52314-0238 For more information on sexually transmitted diseases, contact: American Social Health Association P.O. Box 13827 Research Triangle Park, NC 27709 (800)230-6039 National STD Hotline (800) 227-8922 How I wish I could speak personally to each and every parent and say, "It is not your fault if your daughters and sons don't save their virginity for the wedding bed. That decision will be theirs." Parental guidance and exemplary role models are helpful, but the Pill has changed everything. Also, there is peer pressure, advertising, movies, TV and highly seductive music. Today, in terms of physical maturation, a 13-year-old is where a 16-year-old was 40 years ago. Better nutrition and medical care have made the difference. The urge to engage iti sex hits teenagers three years sooner. The juices are flowing, and the circuits are overloaded. The bodies are ready, but the emotional equipment often is too frail to handle a sexual relationship. Once they become sexually active, they don't quit. How can you prevent your children from taking the same route? You can't. You can only try to establish an honest relationship and instruct them on how to prevent venereal diseases, AIDS and pregnancy. You can also explain the difference between sex and love and emphasize the beauty of saving oneself for marriage. Parents should not write their children off if they choose to go in another di-rection. Nor should they feel guilty if their children ignore good counsel and get into trouble. In my opinion, all this sleeping around is sad. It has very little to do with love and caring. I liked it better the other way. But we cannot turn the clock back. Parents do not have the last word. Each individual, in the final analy-sis, is responsible for himself or herself.