AnnLanders.com, Advice by Ann Landers - []
Section: relationships, behavior, gender
 
 

Dear Margo,
I recently decided to "come out" to my friends and family and let them know I am gay. I am not an in-your-face kind of person and wanted it to be a slow process, with me choosing the time and place. I have only told a few close friends so far. Here's the problem, Ann. I was denied the opportunity to choose the time and place by a clerk at the hardware store. He noticed my new checkbook and asked if the rainbow design was intended to represent the "rainbow gay-pride colors." I answered honestly and told him yes, it did. My mother was with me and heard every word. I hadn't yet told her about my sexual orientation and could see that she was taken by surprise. I realize that the clerk should not have inquired about something so personal, but I don't think he did it maliciously. Since that time, things have been strained between my mother and me. I am not going to force her acceptance, but I would like to regain the comfortable relationship we had for so many years. Ann, should I have lied when the clerk asked me about the checkbook? I want to maintain my honesty about this, but I hate what it has done to my relationship with my mother. Do you have any advice for me? -- Outed in Savannah, Ga.

Yesterday's Response:

Dear Savannah,
Have a frank talk with your mother. Let her know you have sensed the coolness and it has made you unhappy. Explain to her that your sexual orientation is not something you chose -- it's the way God made you. There is an excellent organization that will help you educate your mother on this subject. Write to: PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays: www.pflag.org).

Today's Response:

Dear Outed in Savannah,
There is good advice in my mother's answer. That said, it is sometimes hard to think on your feet; knowing that your mother hadn't a clue it might've been better for your relationship with her if you had come out in your own time. This, of course, would have necessitated telling the clerk you just thought rainbows were pretty. It also occurs to me that if Mom was chilly regarding "the discovery," telling her in your own time might've elicited the same response regardless. Play it as it lays, as they say at gaming tables, and know that time is your friend.
- Margo



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, My x-girlfriend who lived with my son and I for 16 years died of cancer. Prior before we knew she had cancer-she moved out because of an addiction problem. We did stay very close before she died. Her x-husband an attorney took over her finances and the burial arrangements. I being financially set was okay with that, whatever they needed I provided. What really hurt my son and I the most was the obituary - we were not mentioned at all. Our friends (mine and hers) were appalled. I was embarrassed and upset for not just me, but for my son-who loved her also. I never been so upset. Her x-husband put his wife and kids and their grandchildren in the obituary, who my girlfriend barely knew. They live an hour away from us. I know its silly to be mad over a little section of the newspaper, but it still hurts. Will time let this devastating loss of her and this article ever go away? I am so angry at this whole situation, its not like we can go and rewrite an obituary notice.

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"Nobody ever drowned in his own sweat."
-Ann Landers