Dear Ann Landers,
just read the letter from "Mrs. Invisible"-the woman whose husband always forgot to introduce her. (She was comforting the lady whose spouse introduced her as "the wife" instead of "my wife.") Here's a suggestion for all husbands who want to keep their wives on their toes. It certainly has worked wonders for me. I introduce tfle little woman as "The incumbent wife . . ." or "My first wife . . ." Every time she hears it, she tries harder, in charge in California

dear cal,
Well, bully, for you! And I do mean bully. My condolences to your "incumbent wife." She sure drew a lemon when she got you, Bub. keeping a tired old line in line dear ann: I would like to comment on the slob who enjoyed introducing his wife (the only one he'd ever had) as "My first wife." He said it helped keep her in line. His signature was, "In Charge in California." My father is the same kind of bully, but my mother knows how to handle him. Whenever he uses that tired old fine, she responds instantly with, "And this is my last husband." They have been married 30 years and I guess one of the reasons is that they both overlook a lot. Especially my mother, love covers a multi-tude of SINS dear love: It sure does. In addition to being blind, love can also be deaf and dumb. credit: Ann Landers. Jealousy The universal emotional trauma called jealousy can be caused by things as well as people. Jealousy has been defined as wanting what someone else has while envy is when you don't want somebody else to have what you don't have. But most of us think jealousy exactly as John Milton saw it, "the in-jur'd lover's hell." The something else that another has is the attention, the regard, some portion-large or small-of the love and devotion of some-one we care for and which we feel should clearly be directed exclusively to-wards ourself. Like love, jealousy is involuntary. It's useless to say to yourself, "I'm not going to be jealous." Psychologists tell us that jealousy is probably instinctive as well as a lifelong conditioning process that begins in the crib. A baby ex-periences jealousy from the first instant she or he realizes that Mother's atten-tion must be shared. Jealousy can be frightening in its intensity. Its closest emotional relative is probably anger but jealousy has more staying power. Like anger, it can provoke a passion to strike out in revenge, only with the jealousy the revenge sought is usually emotional. More often it causes the jealous person to sulk and wallow in self-pity. Sometimes we complain openly of the direct cause but more often it is carefully disguised while we lash out at a baffled spouse, lover or relative about a dozen petty things far removed from the real cause of irritation. In one sense, jealousy is a natural reaction, a warning sign that something is causing trouble in a relationship that is of primary importance. Sometimes people have every reason to be jealous. They convert their emotional energy into action to try and protect or save a vital part of their lives. But persistent, obsessive jealousy can kill that same vital relationship, as in the classic (and frequently dramatized) situation of the husband who suspects his wife of "the worst" if she so much as smiles at another male. Such destructive jealousy usually signals deep insecurity of one whose life experiences have repeatedly lowered his self-esteem-one who has had a series of important relationships in which he has lost out to someone else. In such cases professional counseling is the sensible course. But most people can learn to cope with the periodic storms of jealousy which overtake them if they learn how to recognize and deal with the problem. First, psychologists tell us, you must be honest with yourself. Put a specific name to the things that are making you jealous. Look at them objectively. Are they silly or trivial? Is your partner doing them deliberately or without thinking? Does your partner know that such behavior brings out the green- eyed monster in you or have you always just assumed that it should be ob-vious from your reaction? If the cause is chronic and the emotional pain so strong that you can't live with it, tell your partner exactly how you feel. Often once he is aware of the problem and if the relationship is a good one to begin with, the simple knowledge that certain kinds of behavior cause you pain is sufficient to cause him to stop doing it once and for all. An appeal is always better than a demand, just as a warning is better than an ultima-tum. Remember that jealousy is a two-edged sword. Don't be surprised if your partner has a small list of things you are doing that cause him just as much anguish. credit: Joel Wells, editor of The Critic, a Thomas More publication, Chicago, Illinois. DEAR ANN: I'm engaged to a 26- year-old man who sometimes behaves like a small child. I love him dearly, but his jealousy and tantrums make me wonder if we could have a happy marriage. During lunch hour I went with the head of the accounting department to a jewelry store to help select a gift for his wife's 50th birthday. I casually mentioned this to my fiance and he turned on me like a mad dog. He said he'd long suspected something between this man and me. I was too crushed to defend myself. Ten minutes later when I was in tears he apologized and blithely changed the subject. Several weeks ago he accused me of making a play for his younger brother. I was so upset I had to take nerve pills. Do you think after we're married he'll be sure of my love and stop this non-sense? Frankly, I'm worried. JOYCE DEAR JOYCE: If you think a few words uttered by a clergyman will transform an insecure, suspicious man into a confident and trusting husband- I have news for you. He will carry these destructive quali-ties into marriage and you'll wind up a steady contributor to this column. Today he's jealous of the man in the accounting department. A few weeks ago it was his younger brother. Next week it may be the mailman. After you're married it probably will be the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker. Jealousy and suspicion are manifes-tations of insecurity. He's unsure of himself (probably doubts his worthi-ness) so he takes it out on you in this way. Unwind yourself from the little boy and start to date some men. Jogging Unless you're already a distance runner, you should approach running or even jogging with the same caution as you would a hot stove. You can't be too careful. Many a new enthusiast, eager to get in top-notch condition in a hurry, has done himself more harm than good. One should never begin to jog or run without careful preparation. The fact is that you can run five miles whether you're man or woman, boy or girl-if you're twenty-five, thirty-five, forty-five, fifty-five, sixty-five or yes, seventy-five. It will help you feel better than you have ever felt in your life. It might even help you to tolerate frustration at work and arguments at home, and to avoid headaches at both places. But don't expect it to happen in a week, or a month. The buildup must be gradual. The weekend crash athlete who goes all-out in competitive sport every other Sunday or even every week-end puts his heart under great tension and stress. Be good to yourself and fol-low my instructions. The only equipment you need is the right clothes to keep you warm when it's cold and cool when you are warm. Footwear is very important. Don't try to save money on shoes or you may pay the difference to a foot doctor. Buy the best shoes that are made for running. Your feet will appreciate the con-sideration. Discipline is vital. You must stay with your program of first walking, then running short distances at an easy pace. And you must do it every day with-out a miss, no matter how busy you are, or what the weather is like. Before you go out to walk or run, make sure you have the right clothing. First-make sure you are comfortable. Almost anything that feels natural and is not too tight is appropriate for running. To build up running you should start walking. Walk at a good, fast, strid-ing pace. Then trot slowly and I mean slowly, taking it very easy, for a block. Walk a block, then run a block. Keep an eye on your watch, make sure you know what time you started. And when you've been out for about fifteen minutes, turn around and start back. Walk a block, then run very slowly a block, walk a block, lope very slowly a block, and get back to the house. For two weeks just keep up your walk-a-block, jog-very-slowly-a-block. During that two weeks get an appointment with your doctor and have him give you a thorough examination, paying special attention to the heart. Make sure you are in good physical condition. Tell your doctor exactly what you are doing and follow his advice to the letter. After two weeks, see if you can go just a little farther and I mean just a little. Not much. If you press yourself you can go a great deal farther, but see if you can go just a little farther in the same period of time. This means you will have to walk a little faster and run a little faster-not much, just a little. For the next two weeks go one extra block in the same half hour. After this second two weeks, I have a surprise for you. Go to the same distance, but run two blocks and walk one block. Time yourself. You will be as-tonished at the way you are able to cover more distance in less time without walking or running any faster but simply running a little more than you walked. Just consider the extra benefits. If you run to work and back, you immedi-ately and directly save money on transportation by bus, taxi or automobile. If you enjoy eating, that five-mile run will enable you to eat another five hun-dred or six hundred calories a day without gaining an ounce, or if you want to lose, you can maintain your present diet and lose about a pound a week. Five miles of running means you bum up 3,500 calories a week, and it just happens that 3,500 calories equals one pound. Then there's the advantage of looking better, you're bound to look better. It will show in the clearness of your skin, in the clearness of your eyes, in the serenity and relaxation, in the inches that will melt off your waist, in the strength that will come to your arms and legs. And you lengthen the odds that you'll live longer, for running opens up ad-ditional blood vessels. Most studies indicate that those who have developed this persistent athletic capacity are far more likely to survive a heart attack. If you stay with this moderate buildup every single day, your system will become accustomed to it. You will give your heart and your cardiovascular system the best kind of daily tonic-which is regular, moderate physical exer-cise day after day. credit: Senator William Proxmire, author of You Can Do It, New York: Simon & Schuster. The Bashful Kidney The term "bashful kidney" could be changed to "shy bladder," since it refers to the inability to urinate in the presence of others. It is recognized in medicine that functional disturbances of urination may be related to emotional factors, just as the stomach may register emotional disturbances. The function of urination is to relieve the discomfort of accumulated urine within the bladder. However, this function may also serve different psycho-logical ends in the developing child. Gaining control over the bladder sphincter is part of growing up and a persistent defect in such control means a lack of emotional growth. This is most commonly seen in either persistent bedwetting (enuresis) or inability of the male to urinate in the presence of others ("bashful kidney"). It must be remembered that organic disease of the genito-urinary system may play a role in hesitancy of urination as well, and may be confused at times with the purely psychological condition of difficulty in urinating only in public. The primary problem arises from the fact that the urinary and sexual func-tions are performed by the same part of the body. The inability to urinate in the presence of others, however, may have different (but related) causes. For example-a family that has emphasized absolute modesty will raise a child who will be excessively shy about his (or her) body. Consequently, this child may be unable to toilet if anyone is present. Some individuals must always flush the toilet while urinating if others are in the bathroom, even though they cannot be seen, because they do not wish to be heard. This does not constitute a serious emotional problem but it does represent a specific behavioral pattern that suggests uneasiness or shame about a function that is perfectly natural. Another manifestation of the bashful kidney may have more serious impli-cations. For example, an individual who is excessively curious about another person's bodily parts or nurtures fears of his own masculinity may actually avoid using a public facility. He realizes he may be discovered if he appears too curious so he stays out of public toilets. Also, an adult who suffered a sexual assault as a child may avoid any situa-tion which might remind him of the earlier upsetting attack or invasion on his (or her) privacy. Attitudes towards public toileting vary among different cultures. In France, for example, public urinals can be seen on the city's streets every few blocks. In the United States there has been a great deal of emphasis on early con-trol of the bowl and bladder function; consequently, if this toilet training has been too severe it may elicit negative responses to toileting in the presence of others. How does one conquer a bashful kidney? Counseling and getting to the root of the problem might do it-if one is sufficiently bothered by it to invest the time and money. Or-just forcing oneself to do that which is extremely difficult might work for some. During World War II, I am told, many men (and women) who had mildly bashful kidneys overcame the problem be-cause they had to! credit: Richard N. Rovner, M.D., Associate Professor of Clinical Neurology, Northwestern University Medical School, Chicago, Illinois.