Dear Ann Landers,
When your children grow up they'll feel toward their father exactly as they feel now. They will hate him. The tiniest baby lmows when he is loved and when he is being ignored. Children who are rejected by their father in infancy and scorned during adolescence be-cause they don't do well enough to merit his praise suffer permanent emotional scars. "When a parent writes and asks why his grown chil-dren are cold and indifferent, I tell him the chances are good that the kids had to wait until they grew up to get even." Father Theodore Hesburgh, president of Notre Dame University, has said: "The most important thing a father can do for his children is love their mother." The husband who loves his wife shows it in subtle ways and their chil-dren sense it. An extravagant display of hugs and kisses or verbal mushing is no proof of love; it may well be a phony device to suggest love where there is none. One of the best methods of showing love is by contribut-ing one's physical presence-I mean by just being at home. A woman from Saginaw, Michigan, wrote a simple and heart-warming letter which expresses the thought elo-quently: "Many women write to you and complain because their husbands aren't very good company. They expect a man who has been working hard all day to come home at night and entertain them with interesting conversation. Usu- FATHER -OR CASH REGISTER? ally what the man needs is a little peace and quiet and a chance to be himself. I learned this early in my marriage and it has saved a lot of wear and tear on my nerves. "My George is not much to look at. He's a plain guy in many ways-no great reader or talker. I guess some women would consider him a dull clod. But just having him at home with me and the kids gives me a feeling of security. Some nights he doesn't say anything-just sits in the big chair and reads the paper and falls asleep in front of the TV. But when I can look across the room and see the big lug it gives me a feeling of peace and contentment. I wouldn't trade him for the world." Many men make their living traveling and they must be away from their families for several days at a time. The mother should then do her best to be cheerful about his absence and explain that "Daddy is away because he must earn a living for us and this is the way he has to do it." When the traveling husband comes home, however, he should spend as much time as possible with his family. Husbands who are absent three or four days almost every week and then devote Saturdays and Sundays to golf, fish-ing, or playing poker at the club abdicate their family re-sponsibilities. They usually try to justify their behavior by saying they're entitled to a little relaxation because they pay the bills. These men are not fathers-they are cash registers. And when their children grow up, they will think of Dad's checkbook, rather than Dad. Now, let's get specific. Just what is a father supposed to do? What is his function in the family, in addition to bring-ing home the bacon? Just being a man is probably the most important thing a father does. If children are to develop into well-adjusted adults they must know how men are supposed to act. Boys imitate their fathers and girls get no-tions of the kind of man they want to marry from observing their dads day after day. HO FATHER -OR CASH REGISTER? When I was a youngster, I adored my father and I at-tributed to him all the wonderful qualities a man should have. I remember him as affectionate, big-hearted, impec-cably groomed and he had a delicious sense of humor. He treated my mother as if she were a queen, but I never re-call seeing my father in an apron nor do I ever remember seeing him perform a single domestic chore. Not that he was unwilling-my mother simply felt that the man of the household should be "above" kitchen tasks. This European approach, I am happy to say, died with that generation. Particularly in families where both parents work, Dad should pitch in at home. There is nothing effeminate in a man drying dishes or running the vacuum sweeper. It takes a big man to do little things. It's healthy for children to grow up with the idea that a family is a cooperative organi-zation and that everyone should work together in the com-mon interest. If Mom takes a job downtown to help Dad, then Dad should help Mom at home if she needs a lift And he should do it without complaint. The cartoon stereotype that makes a sissy of the man who puts on an apron and helps at home is a fraud. And so is the notion that domestication is a sign of domination. The man who is sure of his masculinity isn't afraid of an apron. In far too many families Dad has the role of the execu-tioner who metes out punishment. This is unfair and it's also ineffective. The mother who threatens, "Wait 'till Daddy comes home-you're going to get it," does an in-justice to both the child and the father. To a youngster, an hour can seem like a week. "When Daddy comes home" the child may well have forgotten the incident; and if he hasn't forgotten, the passing of time has made it seem un-important. FATHER -OR CASH REGISTER? Ill I think it's obvious that no child should be slapped across the face or struck across the back, legs, or aims. Nature provided the ideal target. I am opposed to switches, straps, paddles, hairbmshes or other spanking paraphernalia. Again nature has provided the best implement-the human hand. The hand can strike as mighty a blow as any child should receive. Dad represents the outside world. How he talks about his boss, the people he works with, his job, the government, the neighbors, minority groups-these are bits and pieces which sharply influence his children. Dad gives most chil-dren their basic ideas of what is right, what is fair, what is good, bad, and important. There are exceptions, of course. They are the angry young men and women who fight whatever Dad is for-and cham-pion whatever Dad is against Familiar examples are the minister's son who winds up in jail or the industrialist's daughter who embraces extreme left-wing causes. Most young children, however, accept the views ex-pressed at home as gospel. If Dad says the Democrats are going to ruin the country with all their reckless spending, the kids believe it If he says the Republicans are a pack of dinosaurs whose conservatism will finish us ofE, they be-lieve it. If the American father knew how his children idol-ize him, he'd work harder to keep that hero image bright and shiny. To the child his Pop is the biggest and bravest and smartest man in all the world. Every child believes this -until he leams differently. Daddy and his daughter "Flowers on my shoulders Slippers on my feet I'm my daddy s darling Don't you think I'm sweet?" 112 FATHER -OR CASH REGISTER? This jingle is familiar to every little girl who has ever taken elocution lessons. I suppose it has some charm when uttered by a four-year-old with a babyish lisp and it's par-ticularly fetching with gestures, but when the little girl grows up, being "Daddy's darling" can mean trouble. Most little girls between the ages of two and seven think Daddy is the most wonderful man in the world. A disturbed mother from Atlanta once wrote that she was terribly concerned about her only child-a six-year-old girl. She had overheard the youngster say to a playmate "When I grow up I'm going to marry Daddy. I don't know what we'll do with Mommy. We may have to send her on a long trip to China or something." I advised the mother that this was par for the course and it would be best to smile about it (to herself) and say nothing. A father who is overly possessive can have a devastating influence on his daughter's reaction to men. Sometimes Dad unconsciously encourages dependency by saying in effect "You are Daddy's little girl and I'm not going to give you to anybody-ever." Such possessiveness can erect a difficult emotional hurdle for her as an adult. When a young man attempts to establish a romantic relationship she feels guilty and unfaithful to Daddy. The father who knows how to express the proper kind of affection helps prepare her for mature womanhood. She grows up liking men and, equally important, she has the comfortable feeling that men like her. Such a girl has a healthy relationship with males and usually selects a loving husband-often someone who is surprisingly like Dad. Some little girls are ignored, or worse yet, treated brutally by their fathers. Their personality patterns take on odd shapes and they become misfits in society. The girl who has been rejected or abused by her father sometimes be-comes a man hater. If she does become involved with men, FATHER -OR CASH REGISTER? 113 they are usually father substitutes toward whom she is punishing, hostile, sadistic or masochistic. The girl who is ignored by her father feels unloved and unwanted. Promiscuous girls are usually searching for the love their fathers denied them. I have read numerous his-tories of delinquents and unwed mothers who were condi-tioned by such a home environment. In case after case the girl said, "My father never paid any attention to me. I wanted so much to have a man's arms around me that it didn't make any difference who he was." Frequently I get letters from women who say they have difficulty writing because they can't see through their black eyes. The story is a familiar one-"John beat me up again- the fourth time this month." They go on to recite in detail histories of their braises, loose bridgework and even hos-pitalization. The close of the letter is familiar too: "Please don't tell me to leave him. I love him very much and he's really a wonderful guy when he controls his temper." And I don't tell them to leave. I advise them either to see a psychiatrist or to work out a rate with an ambulance serv-ice and a good dentist. It's clear that these women are mentally ill or they would not stick around for repeat per-formances. Their fathers beat them when they were growing up and they unconsciously picked out a man who reminded them of dear old dad. Father and son A great deal has been said and written about fathers be-ing pals to their sons. I fell into a box of snakes when I printed the following letter and my reply: "My husband has been doing a good bit of reading on adult-child relationships and he has decided a father should be a pal to his son. Our only boy is ten. My hus- 114 FATHER -OR CASH REGISTER? band is forty-four. According to my husband most kids are scared stiff of their parents. He claims a relaxed 'buddy' atmosphere creates a healthy emotional climate. Some of our older friends who bought this theory raised spoiled, selfish kids who walk all over them. I don't go along with it personally, but he says it's sound. May we have your views? Mommer" "

Dear Mommer,
Your husband must be reading old books. Today it's the parents who are scared stiff of their children. Too much permissiveness has put youngsters in the driver's seat. A father should be a father. What ten- year-old kid wants a forty-four-year-old pal? A healthy father-son relationship is relaxed and friendly. When Dad too gets palsy-walsy, he destroys the symbol of authority which every child needs to guide him through childhood and adolescense." An army of angry fathers swooped down to tell me I was all wet. The disagreement seemed to be based on semantics. I insisted there's a difference between "relaxed and friendly" and "palsy-walsy." They insisted that "pal" is a synonym for "friendly" and that I had goofed. In one city at least, my timing couldn't have been worse. The day the column appeared in the New York World- Telegram and Sun under the heading "Ann Landers Says Dad Should Not Be A Pal To His Son," a nationally- known boy's organization launched its annual drive for better father-son relations. The slogan: "Be a Pal to Your Son." Most sons idolize their fathers and look to them for leadership and strength. The father who tries to be a buddy destroys this image. A Dad need not be aloof or distant; the lines of communication should be kept open and ac-cessible. A father should be able to have fun with his son- FATHER -OR CASH REGISTER? 115 even take some gentle ribbing-but he should be aware that he occupies a unique place in that boy's world. Underlying the fun and informality should be a feeling of respect. When I hear a young man tell his father to "Drop dead" . . . "Get lost" . . . "Pipe down" . . . the weaknesses of the pal system become all too apparent One of the saddest injustices that can befall a son is to be driven to excel by his well-intentioned father. Fathers on both ends of the success ladder are guilty. On the bottom rung is the man who never made the grade himself and longs to realize his shattered ambitions through his son. At the top of the ladder is the man who achieved great success and insists that his son be a carbon copy of the old man. Both types are highly critical and often punitive. Fre-quently a boy will rebel against such pressures and with-draw from the competitive world. We all know unsuccess-ful sons of successful fathers and we wonder why the second generation didn't do better. Usually it's because their fathers drove them unmercifully and set standards which were im-possible to meet. So the poor fellows, fearful of failure, gave up without even trying. The most challenging aspect of being a father-and a mother, too-is knowing when to remove the safety net and let your children learn their own lessons. Parents can do many wonderful things for their children, but they cannot drill holes in their heads and pipe their knowledge and experience into them. Nor should parents want to, for learning is a glorious experience. And young people can never achieve self-respect and independence unless they can learn to take their own lumps. However, parents can give their children love, under-standing, strength and a good example to follow. Children who inherit these gifts are the richest of all. And such a legacy never leaves the family. It appreciates in value as it is handed down from generation to generation. i TEN T The war between the siblings "The wrath of brothers is fierce and devilish . . ." Thomas Fuller, 1732 "