Dear Ann Landers,
nIumbine • New York Sale of this book without a front cover may be unauthorized. If this book is coverless, it may have been reported to the publisher as "unsold or destroyed" and neither the author nor the publisher may have received payment for it. A Fawcett Columbine Book Published by Ballantine Books Copyright Â� 1996 by The Eppie Co., Inc. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. Published in the United States by Ballantine Books, a division of Random House, Inc., New York, and distributed in Canada by Random House of Canada Limited, Toronto. Originally published under the tide Wake Up and Smell The Coffee! by Villard Books, a division of Random House, Inc. All of the columns in this work have been previously published in Ann Landers' syndicated newspaper column. The do's and don'ts for people who want to help bereaved parents on page 348 were prepared by Lee Schmidt, Parent Bereavement Out-reach, Santa Monica, California. Acknowledgments for previously published material can be found on page 418-19. This edition published by arrangement with Villard Books, a division of Random House, Inc. Villard Books is a registered trademark of Random House, Inc. http://www.randomhouse.com Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 97-90022 ISBN: 0-449-91274-4 Cover photo Â� Bob Fila/Chicago Tribune Manufactured in the United States of America First Ballantine Books Edition: May 1997 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Dediralion I I dedicate this book to my priceless staff: Kathy Mitchell, Marcy Sugar, Barbara Olin and Catherine Richardson. Kathy has been with me for 27 years, Marcy for 22, Barbara, 14 and Catherine, 6. They have saved me from myself more times than I care to remember. Without the loy-alty and dedication of such a stellar group, this collection would not have been possible. A 21-gun salute to my employees who handle the thousands of pieces of mail that arrive daily: Stanley Schall, Susie Harris, Bobbie Nussbaum and Pam Hegarty. Their support is invaluable. Special thanks to my boss, Richard Newcombe, President and CEO of Creators Syndicate. He is dynamic, generous and my personal can-didate for sainthood. And kudos to his right arm, Anita Tobias, who keeps her eye on everything and everybody. And to Mike Santiago, who's always there when we need him. A round of applause to the syn-dicate's editor, Katherine Searcy, for her eagle eye. And my hat's off to Marianne Sugawara and Mary Ann Veldman for their hard work and dedication. Although Creators is based in Los Angeles, each and every member is as close as my telephone. Denis Gosselin, editor of the Chicago Tribune Magazine, is never too busy to set everything aside and edit my column. He is a pussycat, and I cherish our friendship. A warm hug to daughter Margo Howard, who has long served as a sounding board. She is extraordinarily perceptive, and I always can count on Margo for an honest opinion. A word of gratitude to Ava Andrews and Bobby West, who keep my home fires burning. Without this competent, good-natured pair, I could never manage my back-breaking schedule. Grateful thanks to my twin sister,

Dear Abby, who married Morton Phillips. Had she married anyone else, I never would have known Mort’s mother, Rosie, who unwittingly supplied the title for this book. Going back more than 55 years, I heard her say many times to her sweet- natured, often silent, husband, “Jay! Wake up and smell the coffee!” Foreword The very first column I wrote appeared on October 16,1955. Here it is,
Dear Mrs. Landers: I've always regarded most marital mix-ups as very humorous-until now, that is, when the noose is tightening around my own neck. We have been married 10 years and have two sons. I like auto racing, but my wife has no interest in it, so I've always gone without her. I've fallen for a woman with three children who is also very fond of auto racing. Her husband is ignorant and impossible. This may sound corny, but I think she would be a wonderful companion for me. I sup-pose you think I'm a louse-but I am stumped. I would like to have your advice on this problem. -Mr. K Dear Air. K: Time wounds all heels-and you'll get yours. Do you re-alize that there are five children involved in your little racetrack ro-mance? Don't be surprised if you wake up one of these days and wish you had your wife and sons back. You are flirting with a muddy track on Black Friday, and the way you're headed, you will get exactly what you deserve. Dear Mrs. Landers: I have just graduated from grade school, and the boy I like is in the Army. He has written that he will be home on leave soon, but my mother forbids me to see him. I tried to explain that we just want to see a movie and will be home early. Mother says I can't go and that I am too young to know what I am doing. Please help me. -EV Vi I Ml II (Will! II Dear EV: If you "just graduated from grade school," you are about 13 years old, Chicken. Uncle Sam needs men-you don't. Listen to your mother; she is right. And about that boyfriend-his brains must be AWOL. Dear Mrs. Landers: I've been married four years, have two children and am expecting a third soon. My husband has been chasing around town with women for the past seven months. When I told him that I was getting a separation, he promised to change his ways and behave himself. I have no money for attorneys' fees, and I cannot work. Shall I try to bor-row the money from relatives, or should I wait and see what happens? -Troubled Wife Dear T.W.: You have every right to blow a gasket. This character does not deserve a family-as of now. But since he has promised to mend his ways, give him another chance. Try to persuade him to go with you to a marriage counselor. See if, together, you can't find out what's gone wrong with your marriage. Let him know, too, if there is any more extramarital activity, you're giving him the heave-ho. Dear Mrs. Landers: Two months ago, I met a man who seems very fond of me. He has two jobs, which is the reason he has never called me up on the phone or taken me out. He is very busy. He says he cares for me a great deal, but I see him only once a day when he delivers food at my home. I don't want to rush him into anything. What do you think? -Steady Reader Dear S.R.: What this man is delivering to your home sounds like baloney. I have a sneaking suspicion that your back-door Romeo has a wife and a family, plus several other very good "customers." You'd bet-ter forget about him and suggest that he leave whatever it is that he is delivering in a convenient place. He ought to stick to his commission as the "bonus" for his sales.