, Advice by Ann Landers - []
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Section: children, sexuality, money, relationships

Dear Ann Landers,
I am a 26-year-old woman with a problem. When I was in high school, I cheated on my steady boyfriend with an older man. I discovered I was pregnant and was sure the older man was the father of the baby. Last December, after eight years of paying child support, the man requested a DNA test to determine paternity. I was stunned when it turned out that my daughter isn't his after all. Here's the real problem. When I found out I was pregnant, my boyfriend asked if the baby was his, and I assured him it was not. That boyfriend is now happily married and has children. I have been married to a wonderful man for almost six years, and he wants to adopt my daughter. Should I try to contact my old boyfriend and disrupt his life by telling him he has a daughter? Part of me feels he is entitled to know, but another part worries that I would only mess up more lives. Please tell me what to do. -- Kitty in K.C.

Dear Kitty in K.C.,
I'm with the part of you that says leave it alone. If any of my readers think otherwise, I would like to hear their reasoning.

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A Note from Margo:
Hi! It's Margo here. I'd love to know what you think of the letters -- and the answers!

Also, any additional thoughts you might have. Thanks!

Totally Frustrated Daughter-In-Law's Comment
Hello it's me, Totally Frustrated Beyond Belief, Daughter-In-Law. My mother-in-law is so hard to deal with. She is not at all domesticated and isn't afraid to announce it but when she comes for Christmas Eve/Christmas Day, I literally lose my mind. She arrives with a million gifts for my kids but never asked what they want. (Except for my son, she always asks him what he wants and makes sure to get the right size etc.) My girls get a million gifts they have zero interest in. But besides this, I have such a hard time dealing with her while I cook Christmas dinner. She comes in and sits down on the recliner and plays with her phone the entire day and never once offers to help me cook. I even may make a comment on how I'm so stressed and am having a hard time getting everything done. She never offers to help. She only gets off the recliner to eat or go to the bathroom. She also doesn't offer to help clean up after dinner. This morning she left and I went down the basement where she slept to find her bed sheets and blankets all messed up on the couch. She didn't even fold the blankets back before she left. Who does this? My kid's friends have better manners. This has been going on for 21 years. I should be able to accept it but it's just so rude. I want to say something but she will be offended and make me look like I'm the bad person and make me out to be mean. The only reason we have to host her on Christmas Eve is because her daughter spends Christmas Eve and Christmas evening at her in-laws house. I so want to say we don't want her staying with us on this holiday. Last year, in the middle of us opening up gifts she starts laughing and I ask what was so funny and she says it was something funny on Facebook!!! She apparently doesn't want to be here either!

Mary C's Comment
Dr Odunga comments are taking over your site. I think you should remove them. Just sayin'!

YOLO's Comment
I am your daughter, only it is 47 years later. I found out who my biological father was on my mothers death bed. Because my Mom never told me or him, we missed so many years of getting to know each other. In the past year and a half, we have been trying to make up for lost time and have tried getting to know each other...he was recently diagnosed with stage lung cancer, is dying and now our time together is going to be cut off for good. It isn't fair to either of us. Your daughter deserves to know who her father is and deserves to have the chance to know him. He deserves to know his daughter. You shouldn't make the choice for either of them... it is a choice they should make on their own....while I do understand my Moms reasonings now, I was very hurt that she kept this hidden from me. Your daughter will feel that same hurt when she finds out too late as well.

Reader Comment
I agree with Mary C's comment. Get these stupid Dr. Odunga comments off your site. They should be on these idiots Facebook page, not here! STOP ALREADY!!!!! And as far as "Sophie's" tirade about her "dr. guru". Get her off this site for cripes sake! She's just another idiot who needs to revert this garbage to her Facebook page!!!

someone who has been there herself's Comment
Kitty in KC needs to let the biological father know he has a potential daughter. Her daughter has the right to know who her biological family is. We do not get to make mistakes as adults and expect our children to pay the price for them.

Debra York's Comment
Make other plans! Quit inviting her! It is your fault for putting up with her all those years!

Andy's Comment
Dear Kitty in KC, Definitely leave this one alone, because it will open a Pandora's Box. What if your ex-boyfriend's wife doesn't "accept" the situation? What if your ex-boyfriend refuses to have anything to do with his newfound daughter years after you told him that he wasn't her father? And what if, perchance, that he demands a DNA test and finds out that he isn't the girl's father after all? You were mistaken about your daughter's paternity before. It would be better in the long run for everyone to drop this matter.

kayemmdee's Comment
Both father and daughter should be told. Eventually (due to more and more people doing DNA testing), the daughter will find out, or one of the children of the father will find out, and it will come back to bite you if you don't tell. A cousin of mine wasn't told that the man who adopted her (her mom's second husband) was not her bio dad until she was an adult. It didn't matter what the intentions of her mom were -- the hurt was very deep and something that I don't think my cousin has ever gotten over -- more than 40 years later.

Reader Comment
Frustrated Daugher-in-Law--- where is your husband in all of this?
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Our Reader to Reader Question of the Week:

Dear Readers,
, whatever they needed I provided. What really hurt my son and I the most was the obituary - we were not mentioned at all. Our friends (mine and hers) were appalled. I was embarrassed and upset for not just me, but for my son-who loved her also. I never been so upset. Her x-husband put his wife and kids and their grandchildren in the obituary, who my girlfriend barely knew. They live an hour away from us. I know its silly to be mad over a little section of the newspaper, but it still hurts. Will time let this devastating loss of her and this article ever go away? I am so angry at this whole situation, its not like we can go and rewrite an obituary notice.

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"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
-Ann Landers