Dear Ann Landers, I am a 42-year-old man, married with two children. Things are just fine within my immediate family. The problem is my mother. She wants me to buy her an automobile. Not just any automobile. She wants one exactly like mine.
Mother has a comfortable lifestyle and can certainly afford to buy any car she wants on her own. However, for some reason, she thinks I should give her one. And, of course, she doesn't want anything as moderately priced as the neighbor's car. She feels entitled to a car just like mine -- the expensive variety. No other car will do.
Ann, I have worked hard for everything I have, including my car. I paid my own way through college and am reasonably successful in business. I do not feel that I should deprive my children of the money we are saving for their college education in order to satisfy my mother's expensive taste in automobiles. I have told her that money is tight at the moment, but this hasn't stopped her from nagging.
My relationship with my mother has never been terribly close, and now, her pressuring me to buy a car is straining it to the breaking point. I don't want to destroy the good will that I have slowly and carefully built up over the years. I need some advice. -- No Name, No City, Please
Dear N.N.N.C., Does your mother have a hearing problem? Tell her, in a voice slightly louder than normal, that you cannot afford to buy her a car, and you would appreciate it if she would quit asking. Let her know it pains you that you cannot give her everything her heart desires, but that your children's education comes first. Repeat as often as necessary.
Hi! It's Margo here. I'd love to know what you think of the letters -- and the answers!
Also, any additional thoughts you might have. Thanks!
Reader Comment
I would also put it in writing
Debra's Comment
Sounds like a scam to me!
sirpaul391's Comment
Keep reminding your mother about boundaries and the answer is no new expensive car.
Reader Comment
It always amazes me that adults allow their parents to "nag" them and worry about "destroying good will" if they stand up for themselves. It sounds to me like this son has given in far too many times to his overbearing, grasping mother, and she has become an expert at wearing him down to get her way. He needs to firmly and consistently establish a new pattern now. No means No. If she gets angry, too bad. It is interesting that "takers" always know just who will give them what they want and they gravitate to them.
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Our Reader to Reader Question of the Week:
Dear Readers, , “Lottie,” has been living with my husband and me for 18 months. She left her mother’s house by mutual agreement be-cause she could not get along with her mother’s live-in boyfriend. Be-fore this, she used to visit us twice a month, and to be perfectly honest, I did not look forward to seeing her. I cannot say anything good about having this girl around. She is rude and sneaky, has flunked several classes and has no interest in school. Her friends slink in and out of our home and are an unwhole- some-looking lot. I have found evidence of pot smoking. To put it bluntly, I am fed up to the teeth with this girl and the way she has dis-rupted our lives. My husband’s head is buried in the sand. He says, “She is just exper-imenting. It’s a stage she is going through. She only yells at us to show off to her friends.” Ann, I wasn’t raised this way. I barely speak to Lot-tie, and I am losing respect for my husband. I have tried therapy, but neither my husband nor Lottie will go. I think Lottie should go back to her mother. I don’t want to break up my family, but I can no longer tolerate this girl’s daily tirades. Our home is like a war zone. I’m sure Lottie doesn’t want to leave. She has her daddy conned. My husband says his ex-wife is not fit to raise their daughter. Where do I go from here? -Losing It Fast
