Dear Ann Landers,
lease tell me how certain people can appear to be perfectly OK when they are clearly insane. Out sweet, innocent daughter was married last week to a mortician 12 years her senior. He courted her for over a year. One of the things that impressed her so favorably was this man's restraint and good manners. He never embraced her intimately nor did he try to talk her into sex, even after they were engaged. Last night they were married. This morning our daughter phoned-in hys-terics. It seems her wedding night was a nightmare. Her husband asked her to take a very cold bath before coming to bed. He suggested that she soak in the tub for about half an hour. When she came to bed he asked her to close her eyes and lie perfectly still. Then he said, "You may as well know that I am a necrophiliac as so many of my pro-fession are. I can only make love to dead women or women who look as if they are. Our daughter fled in panic, packed her bags and checked into another room. She is at this moment in a state of shock and under a doctor's care. Her physician has already agreed to co-operate in an annulment. I think the man is crazy. What do you think? SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR MOTHER,
I agree with your diagnosis. He is clearly nuts. And so is that statement about "other members of his profession." Report him to the National Funeral Directors at once. The address is 125 W. Wells St., Mil-waukee, Wis. 53203. If your daugh-ter's story is accurate they will boot him out of the business pronto. Since marriage is probably the most important single decision of a lifetime, it is strange that so many people rush into it with less selectivity than they would give to the choice of a secondhand car or a winter coat. All marriages are happy, it's living together afterward that's tough. Thousands of letters from unhappily married people suggest one striking reason for failure. Young romanticists spin themselves into a cocoon of dreams and imagine that life together is going to be like the marriages they've seen in the movies, on TV screens and in the ads for engagement rings and silverware. Unfortunately, a great many American movies are a far cry from life as people live it. How many husbands in the movies get up in the morning and go to work? I recall precious few. The blissfully happy couple live in a beau-tifully furnished home. They wear lovely clothes, drive expensive cars and are forever going to formal parties. But nobody goes to work. If there are children, they are never underfoot, sick or in faded play clothes. The maid or governess ushers them into the drawing room for a goodnight kiss and shep-herds them out again. The movie wife is seldom seen wrestling with bills, shopping for groceries, harassed by troublesome relatives or involved in any-thing so mundane as housework. The ads for engagement rings say "forever," but the statistics show that the divorce rate in America is at an all-time high. The chances for a lasting mar-riage today are approximately one half what they were thirty years ago. When I speak to high school audiences, I emphasize the realities of mar-ried life. I tell the teenagers that marriage is the difficult business of living with another human being. It's in-laws, doctor bills, car payments, dishes in the sink and mortgages. It's disappointment and diaper rash. It's the raise or promotion that he almost but never quite gets. It's tears in the pillow at night. If teenagers were given facts instead of fiction, they would be less shaken and bewildered when faced with some of the not-so-attractive aspects of mar-ried life. The young bride who discovers that her "dream boat" actually snores feels as if she's been robbed. One bride married less than three weeks wrote: "I can't discuss this with anyone I know personally because I'm too ashamed. How come in the morning my husband has a beard?" No marriage is free of problems. Be realistic, not only about marriage, but about the person you are considering as a lifetime partner. Remember that dating couples usually see each other in the most flattering light. An aura of saintliness surrounds the beloved. While love may not be blind, its vision is something other than 20/20. In the mind's eye of a high school girl, the foot-ball hero may be the most exciting prize in all the world. But the football sea-son doesn't last forever and unless her halfback can back up his handsome physique with many character qualities, he's a poor marriage risk. The glam-our of high school and college athletics has lured many foolish girls into ill- fated marriages. My plea for realism among young couples who fancy themselves in love has met with lively opposition, particularly among university students. Many coeds with whom I spoke at Southern Methodist University in Dallas criti-cized my concern as "materialistic and calculating." "Projection is of prime importance," I told them. "Try to imagine, tempo-rarily, how you'll feel about that gorgeous hunk o' man in fifteen years, after his hair has fallen out and he has gained thirty pounds. Will you still be crazy about him even though his looks are gone and the wolf at the door has had a third litter?" All people don't want the same things out of life, and this is good. Some women are content with a man of limited horizons who wants to work thirty- seven and a half hours a week for a modest salary. Others want an aggressive type, one who strives to scale financial, artistic or intellectual heights. I make no plea for either the go-getter or the unambitious. I do plead, however, that those who are considering marriage think and plan ahead. You can accomplish this by discussing goals and objectives during courtship. De-cide what you want out of life, then choose someone who shares your dreams and objectives. What's your hurry? A great many divorces could have been prevented had the couple gone together another ninety days. They would have become bet-ter acquainted, and probably not have embarked on marriage in the first place. In much of the mail these words appear: "I'm mad about him. It was love at first sight." I advise them to look again, they may see things they hadn't noticed before. Love at first sight is a myth, in spite of the poets' claims. Love does not konk you on the head like a chunk of loose plaster. It must take root and grow, a day at a time. Happily married people who claim they fell in love at first sight didn't really. They were smitten on first meeting and the fine qualities they imagined they saw proved to be present after they got to know each other. Frequently a purely chemical reaction is mistaken for love. One college freshman wrote: "I know it's love. Whenever I see her, my knees turn to water and my heart pounds like a triphammer. It's got to be love. It can't be anything else." A strong physical reaction is a powerful plus and should be a factor in the final selection. But a compelling sexual attraction is not a substantial hook on which to hang a marriage. And this is where so many "madly in love" cou-ples who marry in a hurry make their greatest mistake. They are unable to distinguish between love and sex. They learn too late that they can't live their entire lives in the bedroom. There is no substitute for time in testing the durability of a relationship. A couple should go together long enough to view each other in a variety of cir-cumstances. Complaints of this nature are numerous: "I never knew until after we were married that she had such a violent temper" ... "I was shocked to find he was such a mama's boy" ... "I wasn't aware that he couldn't stand children" ... "I didn't know he was such a liar" ... "I had no idea she drank in the daytime too" ... "I didn't know he was so lazy." Although it is impossible to know all about a person until you share a life together, a great many things can be learned during courtship if a couple will take the time. It's easy to be charming when things go well, but how does he behave when the going is rocky? Is he dependable? Does he have patience? Is he considerate? Is he understanding? Is he honest? The individual who con-ducts himself with maturity under stress will make a reliable marriage part-ner. So time-time to test him in the clutch-can be your greatest ally. What can you share? The more you have in common with the person you marry the better your chances for a successful marriage. Although there are notable exceptions (we all have our pet examples), couples who share simi-lar economic, religious, racial and educational backgrounds have fewer mar-ital problems. The reason is obvious. There are fewer areas of conflict, fewer things to fight about. There's an old joke that if the rich girls married poor boys and the rich boys married poor girls, the money would be spread around and poverty would be abolished. This is a delightful theory, but the experts know that marriage of people from opposite ends of the economic spectrum often fail. Few principles are more deeply embedded in our society than the right to marry whom we please, and the suggestion that economic status should be considered may sound downright un-American. But problems are bound to crop up when two people who have been reared differently undertake to share a life. Surprisingly enough, my mail indicates that the partner with the money is seldom the troublemaker. The one who marries wealth usually creates the problems. He is unable to shake off the feeling of inferiority and often attempts to get off the defensive by attacking. Educational background is an important factor often ignored when two people fancy themselves in love. One young man wrote: "If I had been listening to the girl instead of just looking at her, I might have avoided this horrible mistake. She is a doll with a sawdust head." Many of the letters from teenagers who want to quit high school to go to work or get married sound as if they had all been written by the same per-son: "School bores me; I'm not learning anything. I can get a job and earn good money and buy some nice clothes. Why should I stay in this dumb place?" I urge them to stay in school and get that diploma no matter how boring and pointless it may seem. I tell them about the thousands who have written to say they could kick themselves for quitting-that it was the most foolish thing they ever did. I warn them of the nagging feeling of inferiority they'll inevitably experience. Well-educated women who marry poorly educated men seem not to notice the glaring grammatical defects and limited intellectual interests until after they marry. This strikes me as odd. It's as if they had been totally deaf during courtship. The husband who resents being corrected and will make no effort to help himself is hopeless. Married people who write about such problems are ad-vised to correct the grammar gently, and always in private. The ear-grating gaffes should be ignored when others are present. Play deaf. You can't di-vorce a man because he says "have went." When engaged people write with this complaint, I warn them that if the be-loved's poor grammar and lack of general knowledge are a thorn in the side during courtship, it is bound to be a bone in the throat after marriage. Often in my column I use the phrase "marriage is not a reform school." The notion that a man or woman can be made over after marriage is poppy-cock. A young woman from Sheboygan, Wisconsin, who wrote, "He drinks a little too much but promises to cut down after we are married," got this reply: "If he drinks 'a little too much' now, he'll probably drink a lot too much after you marry him. A man who won't keep the cork in the bottle for his sweetheart certainly won't do it for his wife." When I receive letters from girls who confide "my fiance lost his temper and slapped me a few times-shall I have a word with him?" I tell them by all means, and the word should be "goodbye!" A woman who puts up with "a few slaps and punches" during courtship can expect loose bridgework and worse if she marries the man. Superficial changes, however, are often made after marriage. A man may get his wife to cut her hair or let it grow, a woman may inveigle her husband into wearing more conservative neckties. But such minor triumphs have noth-ing to do with basic character. I urge engaged couples to take a good hard look at one another as they are now, because the husband or wife is going to be a great deal like the sweetheart, minus the halo and the wings. In our society it is inevitable that people of different religious faiths fall in love and marry. Statistics support the theory that marriage works out best when both parties share the same religious faith. There was a time when I was strongly opposed to interfaith marriages, but I have changed my position in recent years. I have seen too many exceptions to the rule-on both ends of the spectrum. A great many marriages between individuals of the same faith have ended in the divorce courts. I am now seeing many marriages of mixed faiths doing extremely well. If either the bride or groom has strong religious convictions I would not advise that individual to marry out of his faith. However, when neither bride nor groom has strong convictions about religion, it seems to make little difference in their lives. I do feel, however, that the decision as to how to raise the children in regard to religious beliefs should be settled before marriage. The notion that "the kids can decide when they are old enough" is, to my way of thinking, not a sound approach. It goes without saying that if either husband or wife has promised at the time of marriage that all children from that marriage will be brought up in a certain faith, that promise should be kept-come what may. To sum up: The more you have in common with the one you choose, the better your chances for a successful marriage. This means religious training, cul-tural, social and financial background. The old saying "opposites attract" may be true in the field of electromagnetics, but it seldom works out in choosing a lifetime partner. Don't marry on the spur of the moment. If love is real, it will last. The tired line "marry in haste, repent at leisure" may be a cliche, but it still makes good sense. Don't marry a person whose chief attraction is sexual. A marriage based on sex will fall apart when the passions cool, and they'll cool a whole lot faster than you thought. The experts tell us that a male's peak of wow- power is at age seventeen. From then on-it's downhill, all the way. Don't marry with the intention of changing your beloved to meet your specifications. It won't work. If during courtship a person is unfaithful, a heavy drinker, a gambler or abusive, marriage will not provide the magic cure. In fact, he'll undoubtedly get worse as time goes on. Choose someone who wants the same things from life that you want. Discuss in detail your aims, goals and objectives. Marriage should mean com-panionship and building a life together. Approach marriage as a permanent relationship and not as an experi-ment which can be tossed aside if it doesn't work. Remember, a good mar-riage is not a gift-it's an achievement. It takes working at. You must repeat-edly compromise. Forgive and forget. And then be smart enough to forget what you forgave. Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one is leaving four or five things a day-unsaid. credit: Based on Ann Landers' book Since You Ask Me, Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey: Prentice-Hall. ANN LANDERS COOK?