Dear Ann Landers,
ay I have the last word on tipping? For those who are interested, "tips" originated in England. It stands for 'To Insure Proper Service." With unions, minimum-wage laws and the outrageous prices these days, it seems to me that waiters and waitresses should be paid a decent wage by the employer. The already beleaguered customer ought not to have to leave an additional 15 or 20 percent "to insure proper service." He is entitled to it, along with the meal. N. S. HAMPTON BAYS

DEAR HAM,
Of course you're right, but waiters and waitresses depend on those tips for a decent living. Although I agree with you in principle, until the system is changed, we've got to go along with something I personally de-plore, and hope will be changed one day. the ann Landers encyclopedia 1221 Tipping-a Word from Ann Landers Most people resent tipping, but it is part of the "system" and since we know there are people whose livelihood depends on it, we do it In restaurants, a 15-percent tip is considered good. For special service a 20-percent tip is considered very generous. A doorman who hails you a taxi should get at least twenty-five cents. If it is raining or snowing, fifty cents is fair. If it's pouring or a snowstorm is in progress, a dollar is a nice way to say, "Thank you." Usually the captain (in a swanky restaurant) expects two dollars for seat-ing you and making sure you have a good table. If the table isn't good or if you are not inclined to tip him, forget it It is not essential. If the wine steward has given you some help with your selection of wine, he should get two dollars. Skycaps at the airport expect and should get at least fifty cents a bag. A bellman in a hotel should get a dollar for a single bag, when he carries it to your room. If there are more bags, he should receive more money. The hotel doorman who takes your bags inside should receive a dollar for his trouble. When you check out, and he helps put the bags in the car or taxi, another dollar, please. Maids in hotels are usually forgotten. This is ironic- and unfair-since they do the dirtiest work. A dollar tip (left in the glass in the bathroom) for a one-night stay is always a pleasant surprise. If you are vacationing and spending several days at a resort, increase the gratuity ac-cordingly. Hairdressers expect to be tipped. In salons, the tip should be 15 percent of the bill. The manicurist-ditto. If they do an exceptionally good job, make it 20 percent The boys who deliver your newspaper should get a "reward" at Christmas time. If the service has been faithful and good, five dollars is a lovely gift-if you can afford it Also, the postman should be remembered. Also, the gar- 1222 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA bageman-if you live in a home. The employees of your apartment building should also be remembered-if you are a "cliff dweller" as I am. And now-for rotten service. Don't tip anything. The notion that a small tip will "give them the message" is absurd. You are throwing away your money. The best message is no tip. Toilet Training Toilet training seems to be one of the most vexing challenges of child rearing. While some parents find their children take to it easily, most parents often find it a battleground that is upsetting to everyone. One explanation is that when you undertake toilet training you are asking your child to do something your way for the very first time. Before this, you asked very little of him. When you undertake toilet training you become a requester, a "do it in the pot, please" person. The child acquires a power he never had before. He can say no emphatically. As a matter of fact, a child tends to be in his most negative stage just about the time you decide to toilet train him. Often he behaves as though being asked to give means being asked to give in. So the issue of conflict must be faced. In an effort to avoid a battle, some parents attempt to train early. Others, to avoid conflict, procrastinate and start the training later. It has been found that neither of these is as constructive as the training that starts when the child is ready. Experience has shown that he is ready when the following con-ditions are met: The sphincter muscles are fully developed (at about eighteen months) so he can control himself. He can walk fairly well. He has some words at his disposal. He has shown some ability to be dry for several hours at a time. This happens at about eighteen months or so, so that's a good time to begin. You can start by naming the functions several months before if you like-sixteen months or so-leading him to the potty, showing him where he is to go, even emptying his diaper into the potty. This is regarded as prelimi-nary to the training. THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 1223 At around eighteen to twenty months you take the plunge and buy the fol-lowing: training pants, a pail for soaking and a wire brush. You already have the potty or seat attachment The latter is actually not as helpful because often he is afraid he will fall in. When you put him in training pants and an-nounce that this is what big boys (and big girls) wear he gets the idea that he is getting to be big and this is a step toward growing up. To make it easier on yourself, have clean-up supplies available so you can keep your cool in the face of accidents, which are inevitable. Club soda is helpful in cleaning stains and removing odor. A mixture of one quart of warm water and two tablespoons of white vinegar and two tablespoons of de-tergent makes an even more effective spot remover. Take him to the potty twice a day, especially when he looks like he is about to perform. When you catch him in time, he makes the connection be-tween need and place. For several months you do the changing as you did when he was in diapers. In this interval, teach him how to pull his pants up and down. (Boxer type shorts for both girls and boys make this easier.) What you are doing is showing him how to manage independently. The potty chair is a help here because he can get to it by himself and it can be moved to the floor you are on. Obviously, there will be greater messing than when he was neatly tucked into diapers and plastic pants. This is how he learns. He feels what is happen-ing. The benefits of this step are great as he begins to learn that he is respon-sible for what he does. You bring that idea home to him when you start on clean-ups, at about twenty-two or twenty-four months of age. From then on it is he who must rinse out his pants in the toilet (the wire brush is helpful here) and soak them in the pail. If time passes and he is slow to use the pot, you can step up the pressure, a number of months later, by having him wash his pants out with soap. The training then is not really a training at all-it is education in body mastery. When you view it in this light you will see that becoming "clean" early or late is of less importance than how it happens. Gradual increase in expectations works with the child's increasing intelligence. (He gets smarter as well as older.) It also allows for swings of feeling that seem to go with the age. "Yes?" "Now?" "Later?" "Why Should I?" Also "I like to be messy." "No, I like to be clean." Knowing that toddlers are conflicted people (often they can't even agree with themselves) should help you be less combative as you recognize this as something they will outgrow. But your insistence that they accept respon-sibility for what they do-even in the face of childish resistance-is impor- 1224 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA tant in character development It slowly teaches the lessons of responsibility and self-control and it sets a precedent for future learning. Many feelings, worked out in toilet training, have an influence on a child's response to future tasks in life. In school it is he who must study and com-plete his work. On the job it is he who must perform. The boost in self- sufficiency is the effort's best reward. It is a process that takes time and it is important that you not become too elated with successes or too downcast by failures. If you are too involved emotionally, he has the ultimate weapon when he chooses to do you in. Fundamentally it is his business, therefore, his failure and his success. When he finally succeeds, his self-esteem increases enormously. It is a victory of self over self-not you over him. That is why punishment, rewards, threats, stories and all the things parents have used to "win the battle" are useless. Consistency is important but not always possible. There are times when you go visiting or when your child has "the runs" and it isn't easy to be calm. At these difficult times use two pairs of training pants, or plastic pants over the training pants. Carry an extra pair for emergencies. This is better than going back to diapers-which would be regarded by him as a retreat It is not a good idea to perform your body functions in front of your child. Youngsters often find this confusing. Sex differences and size differences seem to mix them up. Better for everyone to have bathroom privacy. Other tips which help include the encouraging of water play and the use of Play- doh, clay or sand (in the summer). Little children love to mess and these are socially acceptable ways of doing so. Funny things happen when children toilet train. One child may mess in his pants yet is terribly neat about his toys. (Hard to believe, but he is training.) Another child may be dry but messes everything in sight. (He is also train-ing.) This is the clean-dirty struggle that only the child can work out. Insist that he be responsible for his pants. Aso, it is better not to press him too hard on other issues when he is training. Meeting one big expectation at a time is as much as he can stand. Neatness about clothes, rooms, etc. can come later. For those of you with children four and five years of age and up who haven't yet trained, the message is the same. Start now. Insist on clean-ups. Make it plain with the remark "You can't make my house a toilet." Don't punish for resistance. Having to do the clean-ups is the greatest incentive for hitting the pot eventually. Jealousy may play a part in keeping an older child from training. "You clean her up," he says about the baby. "Why not me?" Acknowledge that it's hard for him but he must be responsible for himself even if sometimes he still THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 1225 wishes he were a baby. You can be sympathetic about his feelings but con-tinue to be firm about the responsibility. The ultimate reward is his own good opinion of himself. You can say, "How proud you must be that you are so grown-up nowl" credit: Eleanor Weisberger, Child Therapist, Case Western Reserve University, School of Medicine, Cleveland, Ohio, author of Your Young Child and You, New York, New York: E. P. Dutton & Co. Transsexualism MEET OUR OFFSPRING