Dear Ann Landers,
read that two genetic researchers, Dr. J. Michael Bailey at Northwestern University in Illinois and Dr. Richard Pillard of the Boston University School of Medicine, have turned up some convincing evidence about homosexuality based on studies of identical twins. The results have established that genes may play a major role in whether a person is gay or straight. Since there is now scientific evidence that homosexuals are born that way and their lifestyle is not something they choose, do you think peo-ple will be less hostile to and more tolerant of homosexuals? Please re-spond in the paper. This is a subject that a great many people are interested in and need to know more about. -Covina, Calif.

Dear Covina,
Valid information is always a plus. I think that if peo-ple believed homosexuality was not merely an alternate lifestyle but the result of genetics, there would be less hostility toward the gay pop-ulation. ANN LANUEKS Many straight people believe homosexuality is a curse and that gays are miserable. Some homosexuals may agree with them. I, however, have heard from gays who consider homosexuality a "special bonus." So let's settle that question once and for all. I'd like to ask the gay com-munity how it feels about this. Write either "Yes, I'm glad I'm gay," or "No, I would rather be straight." I will announce the results in a few weeks. This survey was taken in 1992.1 was not surprised at the answer most gave, but the volume of mail was astonishing. The count was 75,875 responses, with 30-to-l saying, "Yes, Tm glad Tm gay. " I asked for postcards only, but thousands of gays and lesbians wrote letters. It was a busy time-and an enlightening one. Here are some sample responses: From San Francisco: What a question! If I had a choice, I'd be straight, white, possibly Swedish, 6-feet-1-inch tall and Protestant. My life would be easier, but I am not sure that an easy life is always the best life. Chicago: We have four children. One of our sons is gay. He is the brightest and most sensitive, caring and thoughtful of the four. We often wondered if being gay made the difference and have concluded that it did. Detroit: Am I glad I'm gay? You've got to be crazy. I've been beaten up, spat on and discriminated against in the job market. Who would choose this? Columbus, Ohio: Yes, I am glad that I'm gay, but one thing I regret is that it took me 20 years to admit it to myself and 45 years to be open about it. Oakland: Actually, I am bisexual, and I choose to be so. Since I was lucky enough to be presented by nature with two options, why not take both? Harrisburg, Pa.: I have known since I was 7 years old that I was dif-ferent. I am an adult now and have been in a rewarding relationship for more than five years. I do not push my preference on anyone and ask only that people not persecute me for being who I am. God alone is my judge. Portland, Ore.: For the first 36 years of my life, I wanted desperately to be straight. I married and became the father of two beautiful chil- The II e s i he Aw L a n ii e ii s I III 3 dren. I am a successful attorney. When I turned 40, four years after my divorce, I tried to straddle the fence-straight by day and gay by night. It didn't work. Finally, I met a terrific man, and we are extremely happy. So, Ann, to answer your question, "Yes, I'm glad I'm gay," be-cause that's who I am. Charleston, S.C.: Everyone knows black people don't choose to be black, but that doesn't prevent discrimination. Do you honestly believe if people accepted the fact that homosexuals were born that way, it would make a difference? I don't. Lexington, Ky.: Am I glad I'm gay? My response is an unqualified yes. It's-wonderful to know that there are people out there who would happily kill me because of my sexual orientation. I am delighted that the government discriminates against me at tax time and I can't file jointly. I'm ecstatic that I'm barred from serving my country in times of war. I'm overjoyed that all major religions reject my lifestyle. I love it that I could lose my job if the truth were known. Best of all, it's great to be viewed as an outcast by one's own family. This is what it means to be gay. Louisville: Yes, Ann, I'm glad I'm gay. Thank you for asking. But being gay is a very small part of who I am. I'm a teacher and a football coach. I play classical music and a good game of tennis. I'm a gourmet cook. I can ski, and I can sew. I am active in my church and a volunteer at our local shelter for the homeless. I don't believe in labels. Let's just say I am human. Boston: I'm 32 years old, the chairman of a multimillion-dollar, high- tech company. And yes, I'm gay. Several weeks ago, I attended a meet-ing of a group called the Greater Boston Business Council. I walked into the ballroom of a Hilton hotel and couldn't believe my eyes-more than 200 professional gay men and women. If I hadn't known where I was, I would have sworn it was a meeting of the Chamber of Com-merce. We are your doctors, lawyers, shopkeepers, bus drivers, waiters and florists. But best of all, we look, walk and talk like everyone else. There are many more of us in the closet than out, but it's becoming much easier to be open, thank the good Lord who made us all. Royal Oak, Mich.: Yes, I'm gay, now 73 years old, and it's been a dif-ficult life. I knew that being gay was beyond my control from the be-ginning. I prayed about it and finally accepted it. I figured if God made me this way he must have had a reason. I never felt comfortable with a woman. It was impossible to think of a woman in a sexual way. I tried a I II 4 I ANN LANDERS few times when I was in the Army during World War II and just couldn't. So when they now say it's in our genes, I know it's the truth. I'm glad I'm not married because I wouldn't want to bring a son into the world who might have to struggle as I have. Chicago: Are gay people happy? Actually, some of us are, despite the fact that we live in a society that calls us "sick," "depraved" and "evil." With those labels, it's not easy to maintain self-esteem. If straight peo-ple have a problem with my being gay, that's their hang-up, not mine. I also find it fascinating that some of the most vicious gay-bashers are closet gays themselves. People who are sure of their own sexuality are willing to live and let live. And now, dear readers, this is Ann: It is my firm conviction that homosexu-ality is not learned behavior, it is genetic. It can be suppressed but not altered. Children: A Mixed Rlessing- His, Hers and Ours A Child's Plea to His Parents Give me more than food to nourish me. Give me the warmth and the security of your love. Let me enjoy all five senses. Give me plenty of things to look at, to feel, to smell, to listen to, to taste. And even some things to break. Teach me to take my turn. Watch me play so you can see how I am trying to work out my problems and what I am up against. When you tell me to do something, please tell me why I should do it. Let me feel that I am a contributing member of the family. And be sure to include me in making the family plans when you can. Please don't keep me your baby when I want to feel grown up. Don't transfer your fears to me. I have enough of my own to cope with, and I don't need any more. Help me not to act when I am angry. But don't make me so afraid of showing anger that I lose my capacity to feel strongly about anything. Let me learn bit by bit to bear pain, and to want things but to be strong enough to postpone gratification of certain feelings I am not yet ready to experience. Let me try out my new powers as my body develops-to creep, to stand, to walk, climb, jump and run when I am ready. Don't limit the natural needs of my body because you have some unresolved hang-ups. Give me a little corner in the house that is all mine and nobody else's. I need moments of peace and quiet that cannot be invaded by anyone. I I) ft I ANN LA Nil EI1S Give me my share of consideration and attention. I must know that every day, even if for just a few moments, I am the only one you are thinking about and loving. Let me ask any question that pops into my head. Don't make me ashamed for having asked it, even if it seems stupid. And give me as hon-est an answer as you can. If you don't know the answer, please say so. It's good training to hear someone say, "I don't know, but I will try to find out for you." Be patient with me when I don't do things very well at first. Remem-ber I have so many things to learn and almost everything takes some practice. Let me bear the consequences for whatever I do. I need to be pun-ished as well as rewarded. And when you punish me, make sure the pun-ishment fits the "crime." Above all, grant me, without reservation, your debt to me-uncondi-tional love. For if I know it is there, I will be able to give the same to my children, and they will be able to give it to their children. -Your Child The Child's Plea contains some lovely bits of wisdom. It is an excellent guide for rearing gentle, independent, loving children. The following declaration of independence is something I saw taped to my granddaughter's refrigerator in Minneapolis. It really hit my finny bone. Sony I can't give credit to the author. Anyone who has a child under 3 years of age will see that youngster in the lines that follow: Toddler's Creed If I want it, it's mine. If I give it to you and change my mind later, it's mine. If I can take it away from you, it's mine. If it's mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what. If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine. If it looks just like mine, it is mine. As any parent knows, children can be both a delight and a handful. Sometimes things don 't work out the way we plan. Parents can only do the best they know how and hope their love and care will produce loving and caring people. The IIesi nr Ann Laniieiis I I II 7 In some cases, problems can start in infancy. And of course, the problems don't go away when our children are grown and independent. Here are some of the issues that have come up over the years: On November 3, 1975, a young married couple wrote to say they were unde-cided as to whether to have a family. They asked me to solicit opinions from parents of young children as well as from older couples whose families were grown. "Was it worth it?" they wanted to know. "Were the rewards enough to make up for the grief?" The question, as I put it to my readers, was this: "If you had it to do over again, would you have children?" Well, dear friends, the responses were staggering. Much to my surprise, 70 percent of those who responded said no. Here are some excerpts f'om the most fascinating (and disturbing) mail I had received in a long time: From Fargo, N.D.: My husband and I were married for eight years before we had our first child. Within four years, we had three. (The third one was a mistake.) Then, I had my tubes tied, and my husband had a vasectomy-just to make sure. We both agree our happiest years were before we had the kids. They have brought us a lot of heartache and very little pleasure. If we had it to do over again, we'd have re-mained childless. -Rather Die than Sign My Name Tampa, Fla.: I am 40, and my husband is 45. We have twin children under 8 years of age. I was an attractive, fulfilled career woman be-fore I had these kids. Now I'm an overly exhausted, nervous wreck who misses her job and sees very little of her husband. He's got a "friend," I'm sure, and I don't blame him. Our children took all the romance out of our marriage. I'm too tired for sex, conversation or anything else. -Sign Me Too Late for Tears Chippewa Falls, Wis.: As the mother of six, I can tell you my life would have had no meaning without my children. Sure, there are runny noses, chicken pox, arms in slings, fights, loads of laundry and sky-high grocery bills, but when I tuck them in at night, I thank God I've been so richly blessed. -Worth the Pain New York: I've lived for 70 years, and I speak from experience, as a mother of five. Was it worth it? No. The early years are difficult. Ill-ness, rebellion, lack of motivation (we called it shiftlessness and lazi-ness in our day). One was seriously disturbed-in and out of mental hospitals. Another went the gay-lib route. Two are now living in com-munes (we never hear from them). Another has gone loony with the help of a phony religious leader who should be in jail. Not one of our children has given us any pleasure. God knows we did our best, but we were failures as parents, and they are failures as people. -Sad Story Chicago: Should you have children? It depends on what you want them for. Do you want a child who will be everything you weren't? Someone whose achievements you can brag about? Do you want com-pany in your old age? Forget it. Have children only if you can give them unselfish love and expect nothing in return. Only then will you have a fighting chance of turning out emotionally healthy individuals who will appreciate and respect you and themselves. -Been There Dear Been There: There's still hope for mankind as long as there are human beings like you around. May your tribe increase.