Dear Ann Landers,
am desperate for advice and hope you can help. My husband no longer finds me sexually attractive. For the past several years, he has made love to me only when I've asked. I admit that I'm not as beautiful as I once was, but I'm not repulsive either. I have scars from a surgery, which I try to conceal with pretty nightgowns and soft lights, but he said the scars don't bother him. I've tried discussing the problem, but he insists there's nothing wrong. He says he still loves me and that he finds me attractive. I've begged, remained silent and cried. He told me a while back that a woman shouldn't be aggressive, so I decided to wait for him to make the first move. I'm still waiting. Next month, it will be two years since we made love. I went to a therapist who said my husband may be suffering from de-pression or some physical problem. I asked my husband to go for a The IIesi iif An Landers I 53 physical, but he refused. When he saw the bill from the therapist, he became angry with me for discussing our personal life with "a stranger," and he refused to speak to me for three days. When I look in the mirror, I see a 48-year-old woman who will probably never again have intimate contact with a man. This makes me overwhelmingly sad. I've tried to count my blessings because he is otherwise a good husband and I do love him. Am I being selfish to want more? Do you think I will be able to adjust to abstinence? What should I do? -Zero Self-Esteem in Chicago

Dear Chicago,
First, recognize the fact that it is your husband who has the problem, not you. I can understand why you think he is selfish and inconsiderate, but please be aware that he may be clinically depressed. Obviously you want to stay married, so I'm going to make a sugges-tion that will probably bring in a ton of criticism. A woman of 48 is too young to forget about sex. So, if your husband refuses to satisfy you, then satisfy yourself. Since AIDS has appeared on the scene, I am rec-ommending this alternative, which can be a lot better than nothing. I don't want to hear from clergymen telling me it's a sin. Self- gratification is how almost everyone discovers his or her sexual self. There is nothing sinful about it.