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Section: work, mental-health, relationships, marriage

Dear Ann Landers,
My husband and I have been married for 20 years. Our children are grown and out of the house. For the last 32 years, I have worked full time without a break. Part of my salary has gone to support my husband's ex-wife and his children. I have never complained. Here's my dilemma. My job is extremely demanding and stressful. We also own two businesses, which my husband runs. I need a life. I want to garden, cook, take some classes, you name it. My husband and I agreed that when I reach age 50 (I am now 48), I would work part time so I could keep contributing to our retirement fund. Ann, we have plenty of money put away for retirement. We have no debts, own our home and have a vacation home as well. I told my husband I want to quit NOW. I am stressed out and exhausted. I spend 10-hour days cooped up in an airless office with tinted windows. He wants me to hang in there because it's "only two more years." I can't bear the thought of it. He says I am being selfish. The bottom line is I am burned out and depressed. Every day, I feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into despair. If I quit my job, it might be the end of my marriage, but if I don't quit, it will be the end of me. Do you see a way out? -- Dying Inside in the Midwest

Yesterday's Response:

Dear Midwest,
Your letter is a cry for help if ever I heard one. That husband of yours sounds excessively demanding. You need some time off so you can calm your nerves and clear your head. See your doctor about an antidepressant or something to relieve your anxiety. If, after you have had a rest, you still want to quit working, do it. If your husband leaves you because of it, you haven't lost much. Gem of the Day: Overheard on the bus: "My boyfriend designed a new car by taking the wheels from a Cadillac, the headlights from a Buick and the radiator from a Ford. Do you know what he wound up with? Twenty-two months in the state pen."

Today's Response:

Dear Midwest,
I suggest you take a leave of absence from your job to put yourself back together. (You may wind up not going back). If your husband takes a leave of absence from the marriage, that will tell you he is all about money, has little concern for your well-being, and, to my mind, is a four door, gold-plated S.O.B. What really got my attention was that you have been contributing to his alimony and child support! Since he is not taking care of you emotionally you must do it yourself. I believe people who feel despair need to alter their circumstances. Great good luck, you say you have plenty of money. Enjoy your garden!
- Margo

November 30, 2014 - 25 comments

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Comments:

Reader Comment

You are not losing much if your husband is willing to leave your marriage and not concerned about your well being. Shame on him!

Reader Comment

this is great. Thanks Ann!!!

Marina's Comment

I agree with Margo. This person is screaming for help and needs a break. The husband isn't listening and she is on the brink.

Reader Comment

What about concern for his well being??? He has been working all this time without breaks and is probably burned out himself.

Reader Comment

I wonder if she has her own financial ducks in a row and will not be out in the cold if things go south with hubby.

Reader Comment

Put some of that money aside just for you. If you like gardening. Go to Bucharts gardens in Canada. You will love it and feel relaxed. Be sure you start saving money just for yourself. Your husband sounds like that's all he's interested in. Sorry. But do what you like to do and get some AC in that office.

Jen's Comment

How long has he been divorced and how old are the kids? That seems like an awful long time to be supporting them if your own children are grown and out of the house. Leave the job. Marriages are equal parts of each person doing 100%. To ask more of you is impossible.

Teresa's Comment

You have been very giving to everyone. This time please do what you have to do for yourself. He is using you.

Lynn's Comment

Usually, the first meeting with a lawyer or financial planner is free or minimal cost. It might be wise to run this by a professional and go through the scenarios that could arise and how you could deal with them financially. I'm on your side but you need to be on your side, too. Get some money advice and then maybe some marriage advice. Good Luck, Dear!

Reader Comment

Since health care in the USA is usual via employers, that is a BIG question. Self-employed insurance can cost] thousands every month. Maybe the husband has reasons besides an arbitrary timeline.

Hanna Rosin's Comment

I’m so excited because my broken marriage has been restored

streips's Comment

Off topic, but can't you do something about these spammers who post idiotic "testimonials" after each of your columns?

Reader Comment

please explain to me why a dozen or more people want to put this spell cater on every comment section. who wants some cheating losing husband to come back to them.it is not always about that. have some respect for the original writer

Annie's Comment

Quit your job. If you divorce, you get half the money and your sanity. I really don't think your husband gets it. You have explained it perfectly clear. You need to live your life now, while you are able bodied. You are working too many hours. Your husband can hire someone to fill your shoes at work and give you a break. He can continue to work, end of story.

Carriethewise's Comment

YOU dear hardworking gal, $upport HIS exwife

Thewiserandoldergal's Comment

Unbelievable , you dear hardworking gal, $upport HIS exwife

Ann's Comment

First, if quitting your job might end your marriage, go see a divorce attorney first and bring all financial information with you. You might be able to quit, get a divorce and live a happy life of your own choosing.

Reader Comment

Reduce your time at work IMMEDIATELY (if you can) by 50%. Then see whether that's a reasonable compromise, at least for the near future.

Elli's Comment

Dear Friend, You seem to be the accommodating type and rocking the boat is not you style. Needles to say, you are here looking for an outlet and support. Two more years, then on a secure sail - is this just that? Only you would know the answer to this. Follow your heart. Trust your instincts. Start gardening as it is amazingly therapeutic. Start working out also and it bring more than just health and energy, but confidence, perspective and renewed outlook to life. Still yet, your are going to look great when you do decide to leave him! Go out alone for a day. Just yourself, and absorb your surroundings. It'll bring you to a total different place.

Reader Comment

You are accommodating, yet here looking for an outlet and support. Two more years - is this just that? Only you would know the answer. Follow your heart. Trust your instincts. Start gardening as it is amazingly therapeutic. Start working out also and it bring more than just health and energy, but confidence, perspective and renewed outlook to life. Still yet, your are going to look great when you do decide to leave him! - Elli

Elli's Comment

You are accommodating, yet here looking for an outlet and support. Two more years - is this just that? Only you would know the answer. Follow your heart. Trust your instincts. Start gardening as it is amazingly therapeutic. Start working out also as it will bring more than just health and energy, but perspective and renewed outlook to life. Still yet, your are going to look great when you do decide to leave him!