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Section: general-health

Dear Ann Landers,
A friend sent me these tips for losing weight, and I want to pass them along to your readers. I thought they were hilarious. -- Faithful Fan in San Diego

Dear San Diego,
I did, too. In fact, I printed something similar several years ago, but your list is better. Remember: Stressed Spelled Backward Is Desserts 1. If you eat something, and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda fizz. 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than he or she does. 4. Foods used for medicinal purposes, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee banana cake, NEVER count. 5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, you will look thinner. 6. Movie-related foods do not have additional calories, because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Some examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls. 7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage. 8. Things licked off of knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. 9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Example: spinach and pistachio ice cream. 10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. 11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass. 12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories because the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his or her plate. (We all know how calories like to cling.)

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"Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don't recognize them."
-Ann Landers