Dear Ann Landers,
am a compulsive gambler and a member of Gam-blers Anonymous. I read about this wonderful group in your column eight years ago, went to a meeting and have not gambled a penny's worth since. Please tell your readers again about Gamblers Anonymous, Ann. It is a unique fellowship of men and women who share their experiences and their strength in an effort to solve a common problem. It costs nothing to join. The only requirement is the desire to quit gambling. I hope you will print my letter, Ann. Millions of people need help, and they don't know what to do or where to turn. You can tell them. Sign me sam G.

dear sam g.,
May I add a word? Any reader who flunks the Gamblers Anonymous test (see article on Pathological or Compulsive Gambling) is in-vited to write to the National Headquarters of Gamblers Anonymous, P. O. Box 17173, Los Angeles, California 90017, for information on how to join your local chapter. This group has performed miracles and changed thousands of lives. It has my solid backing. Compulsive gambling is a behavior disorder which disrupts or destroys the gambler's personal life, family relationships, or vocational pursuits. To understand compulsive gamblers, one needs to know what other types (Pathological or Compulsive) credit: Ann Landers. of gamblers there are. There appear to be four broad, distinguishable catego-ries of gamblers, with some overlapping. In order of frequency, they are: The social gambler-the most common and the widest variability of gam-bling behavior. The compulsive gambler. The antisocial (criminal) gambler. The professional gambler, the least common type. The social gambler gambles for recreation. He pays for his entertainment -sometimes he wins but most often he loses. Once the gambling ceases to be pleasurable (or becomes too painful) he stops and returns to more satisfying or less uncomfortable behavior. He knows he is playing a game and he has a totally separate life. He may wish to return to gambling but his sense of bal-ance steers him to activities that provide him with a sense of achievement and comfort. How much money, or the amount of time spent on gambling, has very little bearing on whether or not a person is a compulsive gambler. The reason a person gambles is the determining factor. Amounts of time and money are minor indicators, but more revealing is what they don't do in regard to fam-ily, work and interpersonal relationships. Social gamblers do not disrupt other areas of their life with their gambling. The professional gambler approaches gambling as a business. He receives gratification only if he wins. He is a student of the game, highly disciplined, patient, and receives little pleasure from gambling except for winning. He an-alyzes his losses and learns from them. He accepts losses as a part of his busi-ness. Professional gamblers invariably have other business interests. The antisocial (criminal) who gambles has certain unique characteristics. He will cheat whenever possible. He will do anything to win. He believes his losses are the result of someone's cheating. If he wants money for gambling, he will take it in any manner possible with no intention of repaying it. Losing stimulates blaming and violence. He rarely has any feelings of remorse or guilt. He has been in trouble with the authorities virtually all of his life. The compulsive gambler gambles to minimize discomfort and for pleasure. Gambling or the anticipation of gambling gives him excitement as well as an escape from the discomfort. Winning, of course, is the objective-not so he can keep what is won but to assure him of continued gambling. There is no fun, relaxation, or recreation as with the social gambler. The compulsive gambler cannot stop. His life centers around gambling. Other aspects of his life gradually diminish in importance. Ultimately, other aspects of his life be-come intolerable and devoid of emotional concern and response. With heavy losses, there is depression and remorse. The only way he can get relief is to return to gambling. The consequences become insignificant. Gambling has become his world-his reason for existence. To not gamble means despair because he feels he cannot exist without gambling. The compulsive gambler develops an irrational optimism which is based on previous big wins and bail-outs. Big wins produce an exciting expectation. The compulsive gambler is protected from reality by any friend or relative who is foolish enough to pay off all of his debts on the promise that he will stop gambling. This gives him the illusion that nothing painful can really happen to him. Here is a composite picture of a compulsive gambler as he might appear when he asks for help: A male in his thirties who is without any financial resources. He is deeply in debt to banks, loan companies, credit card companies, friends, business as-sociates, and family. He is behind in mortgage payments, car payments, util-ity payments. He has no life insurance, disability insurance, or hospitalization insurance. The family's basic needs are provided by parents, welfare, or in-come from the wife's employment. His employment is lost due to absences, inefficiency, irresponsibility, or theft. He has lost his business due to legal ac-tion by unpaid creditors. He may have a history of bankruptcy in the past. His wife is regularly threatening divorce. She complains about the family's deprivation, persistent calls from creditors and his lack of communication. There are discipline problems with the children. He must avoid encounters with most acquaintances due to unpaid loans. He is away from home for prolonged unexplained periods of time. Siblings are alienated as are his par-ents, who have possibly paid off his debts at least once. There is threatened or real prosecution for unpaid loans, IRS demands, forgery, or theft. He sleeps poorly, eats irregularly, and is indifferent toward sexual activity. He is drinking alcohol more. He and his family have no social life. He is tense, irritable, critical, and not concerned about his personal appearance. He has thought of suicide, of running out on his family. He spends most of his time frantically searching out sources of money. He thinks about gambling constantly. He gambles and loses regularly. If he should win, he does not pay debts except those from illegal sources. He doesn't want to admit his losses. He dreams of the big win, the only comfort for his depression. The tension increases and the desperation drives him on. His only relief from the pressure is gambling. One out of four will deny a gambling problem at this point. The study and treatment of compulsive gambling is perhaps one of the most intriguing but also one of the most neglected problems of human behav-ior. Gambling is generally accepted as a recreational activity although it is closely finked to the attitudes, folkways, symbols, mores, taboos and laws of culture and subculture. Nothing will stop the compulsive gambler, unless the environmental pain becomes greater than the internal pain. Once the environmental pain is gone, so is the stimulus for stopping. The environmental pain can make the com-pulsive gambler stop for short periods of time, but he cannot stay stopped unless he develops satisfying substitutes for the feeling that gambling pro-vides. Punishment is ineffective since it rarely is as painful as the personal inter-nal discomfort. Punishment also provides no substitute. The rehabilitation of the compulsive gambler is like a three-cornered stool: (1) stop gambling, make restitution and (3) get treatment. If he does not stop gambling, he cannot think straight, moreover he is una-ble to learn, grow, solve problems, or make decisions. If he does not make emotional and financial restitution, he has no true remorse. He is actually en-couraged to be irresponsible if he does not make restitution. Treatment is directed toward the search and finding of adequate substitutes for the feelings and escapes which gambling had tried but failed to provide. Without the use of all three of these legs, the compulsive gambler remains ex-ceedingly vulnerable. The compulsive gambler, unlike the social gambler, has to gamble-it is not a game and he is not just playing. The compulsive gambler, unlike the professional gambler, doesn't want control, he wants relief. The compulsive gambler, unlike the criminal who gambles, doesn't want to hurt others, he cares what others think about him. The compulsive gambler goes to great lengths to prove he is not a compul-sive gambler, that he is in control. As with other aspects of his life, he is con-stantly acting as a defense attorney in his own behalf. The compulsive gam-bler gradually develops a distinct lifestyle that marks him. He is not only a stress seeker, he becomes a stress creator-in relation to his family, his work, and his friends. He takes irrational risks. He takes chances with his family's affection, his employer's consideration, and his friends' kindness. He exagger-ates, distorts and lies-as weapons of self-defense. He demands honesty, trust, loyalty, affection, praise, appreciation and ad-miration. In return, he gives criticism to others for not doing more or not un-derstanding. As the compulsive gambler becomes more and more alienated from his family, friends and work associates, his life values become less and less stable. Life risks increase until these values are compromised and he commits acts which are alien to his basic value system. Unfortunately, he does not recog-nize that his course is clearly destructive so he becomes more reckless, which leads to more senseless gambling. The process is progressive and accelerates at a frantic pace. He begins to think of suicide as a way to "get away from it all." The compulsive gambler is not the only victim. His spouse suffers-also his children, his parents, friends, employer and society. The climb back is excruciatingly painful, humiliating, depressing and dis-couraging-and it takes time. The mere cessation of gambling is only the be-ginning. He must earn the respect of himself and others by a responsible and realistic approach to life. The only one who can more fully understand and share this burden is a recovering compulsive gambler. The compulsive gam-bler himself must make the decision that he needs help. He must admit that he cannot do it alone. Compassionate and knowledgeable others, like Gam- biers Anonymous members, make the irresistible resistible-by offering an alternative approach to life. The interview data, observations, and psychological testing indicate that compulsive gambling provides an escape or relief from underlying psychic pain. The intensity of the gambling in respect to its psychological impact was made apparent when compulsive gamblers who stopped experienced physical symptoms such as cold sweats, tremor, headache, abdominal pain, diarrhea, confusion and insomnia that persisted for about one week. The pattern and duration of withdrawal symptoms were similar to the withdrawal symptoms seen during mild to moderate alcohol detoxification. The psychological and sociological data further suggested that the compul-sive gambler experienced some deprivation throughout his childhood and ad-olescence and frequently had a model of pain avoidance such as alcoholism or compulsive gambling within the family. He also had early exposure to a strong money ethic and an availability to gambling activities especially through and with his peers. Most compulsive gamblers began in legal gam-bling establishments before reaching the legal age. Of approximately 250 compulsive gamblers interviewed, the following demographic, psychological, physical and social characteristics were found: age: Range 16 to 53 years of age Average 38 years of age sex: Male 94% Female 6% nationality background: Jewish Italian 90% 10% Irish Black Puerto Rican Oriental Other religion: Jewish 30% Catholic 42% Protestant 25% Other 3% MARITAL STATUS: Married 52% Divorced 16% Separated 16% Single 16% employed: Yes 80% No 20% MILITARY SERVICE: Veterans 52% Non-veterans 48% education: Less than High School Graduate 8% High School Graduate 60% Some College 22% College Graduate 10% Average 2 years College age: First Gambled 12 First Won or Lost $20 Gambling 18 FAMILY HISTORY OF SUICIDE: Yes 8% No 92% FAMILY HISTORY OF ALCOHOLISM OR COMPULSIVE gambling: Yes 32% No 68% LOSS OF PARENT BEFORE AGE 15: Yes 17% No 83% AGE AT ONSET OF GAMBLING: Before age 21 96% After age 21 4% SERIOUS SUICIDAL THOUGHTS: Yes 36% No 64% HISTORY OF SUICIDE ATTEMPTS: Yes 20% No 80% CONSIDERED SELF COMPETITIVE: Yes 92% No 8% CONSIDERED SELF ATHLETIC: Yes 62% No 38% HIGH ENERGY LEVEL: Yes 79% No 21% ADMITTED TO COMMITTING A CRIME: Yes 53% No 47% arrests: Yes 23% No 77% imprisoned: Yes 9% No 91% DECLARE bankruptcy: Yes 21% No 79% won an amount equal to annual salary: Yes 44% No 56% had a bail-out (someone who paid his debts on the promise that he would quit gambling) Yes 91% No 9% DID GAMBLING CAUSE FAMILY PROBLEMS: Yes 99% No 1% BORROW MONEY FROM ILLEGAL SOURCES: Yes 50% No 50% BRAG THAT WINNING MONEY WHEN ACTUALLY LOSING: Yes 75% No 25% DEFAULT ON DEBTS: Yes 66% No 34% LOST A JOB BECAUSE OF GAMBLING: Yes 60% No 40% 30. PREFERRED FORMS OF GAMBLING: Horse Racing: 20%: : Harness Racing: 15%: : Sports Betting: 21%: : Card Games: 23%: : Dice: 15%: : Dog Racing: 2%: : Bingo: 1%: : Other: 3%: : GAMBLERS ANONYMOUS There is no question that GA has been responsible for the effective treat-ment of more compulsive gamblers than any other method-social, religious, or medical. GA is a voluntary fellowship of compulsive gamblers gathered for the sole purpose of helping themselves and each other to stop gambling and stay stopped. It is not involved in any movement to combat or restrict gambling in general. GA espouses no causes, not even causes designed to help compulsive gamblers. This policy does not, however, restrict its individual members from becoming involved in community activities or services concerned with com-pulsive gamblers. In fact, GA members are often in the leadership of such ac-tivities. There are, at this time, 206 chapters of GA in the United States, 11 in Canada, 59 in the United Kingdom (which includes England, Ireland, Scot-land and Wales). There are also groups in Australia, Belgium, Brazil, New Zealand, Israel and Japan. There is only one condition for membership in GA-being a compulsive gambler who wants to stop gambling. Membership is never solicited-but when it is asked for it is given unstintingly. There is an absolute principle, however: direction to GA can be given by anyone, but this help is given only at the request of the compulsive gambler. GA is effective because it: (1) un-dercuts denial ("I am not a compulsive gambler"); (2) undercuts projection ("Everybody drives me to gambling"); (3) undercuts rationalization ("I re-ally don't gamble too much"); (4) identifies the serious realistic implications of gambling; (5) demands honesty; (6) demands responsibility for the per-son to do something about it; (7) identifies and corrects character defects; gives affection, personal concern and support; (9) develops substitutes for the void left by stopping gambling; and (10) is non-judgmental. Gam-Anon is a fellowship for the families of compulsive gamblers. Families of compulsive gamblers have found living with a compulsive gam-bler to be a devastating experience. With Gam-Anon, they learn to cope with problems in the face of disaster. They hope to and do accomplish many things. They understand the compulsive gambler. They learn to talk out feel-ings and deal with guilt. They do things for others, set priorities, learn to plan, and by so doing, see that some of their own needs are met. It is a place where they are understood. Gam-Anon is the largest and most effective group to be of help to GA- and it is the most effective group to help the families of compulsive gamblers. Gam-Anon is the most effective group, outside of GA, to attract compul-sive gamblers to GA-and to retain GA members. The family in GA learns how not to hinder the GA members' recovery and growth. They must learn that they can hinder the compulsive gambler's re-covery but they are not the reason he gambles. It is a fact that a family member can drive the compulsive gambler toward gambling-but the com-pulsive gambler himself must assume the responsibility for the decision to re-turn to gambling. Gam-Ateen is a fellowship for the children of compulsive gamblers. Gamblers Anonymous has a list of twenty questions which will assist a per-son in learning whether or not he/she is a compulsive gambler. Anyone who answers "yes" to seven of these questions is probably a compulsive gambler. The following are the questions and how known compulsive gamblers fre-quently answer them. : : Yes: No: : (1): Do you lose time from work due to gambling?: 85%: 15%: : (2): Is gambling making your home life unhappy?: 99%: 1%: : (3): Is gambling affecting your reputation?: 93%: 7%: : (4): Have you ever felt remorse after gambling?: 99%: 1%: : (5): Do you ever gamble to get money with which to pay: : : : : debts or to otherwise solve financial difficulties?: 93%: 7%: : (6): Does gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or: : : : : efficiency?: 94%: 6%: : (7): After losing, do you feel you must return as soon as: : : : : possible and win back your losses?: 97%: 3%: : (8): After a win, do you have a strong urge to return and: : : : : win more?: 98%: 2%: : (9): Do you often gamble until your last dollar is gone?: 97%: 3%: : (10): Do you ever borrow to finance your gambling?: 99%: 1%: : (11): Have you ever sold any real or personal property to: : : : : finance your gambling?: 79%: 21%: : (12): Are you reluctant to use "gambling money"?: 93%: 7%: : (13): Does gambling make you careless of the welfare of: : : : : your family?: 94%: 6%: : (14): Do you ever gamble longer than you had planned?: 98%: 2%: : (15): Do you ever gamble to escape worry or trouble?: 92%: 8%: : (16): Have you ever committed or considered committing an: : : : : illegal act to finance gambling?: 86%: 14%: : (17): Does gambling cause you to have difficulty sleeping?: 72%: 28%: : (18): Do arguments, disappointments, or frustrations create: : : : : within you an urge to gamble?: 92%: 8%: : (19): Do you have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by: : : : : a few hours of gambling?: 84%: 16%: : (20): Is gambling, especially winning, an ego-building: : : : : activity?: 96%: 4%: : NATIONAL COUNCIL ON COMPULSIVE GAMBLING, INC. The NCCG, Inc., represents one of the major accomplishments in the efforts to help the compulsive gambler since the birth of GA on September 13, 1957. The Council was established on December 8, 1972, and incorpo-rated as a voluntary, non-profit agency on May 6, 1975. This Council was organized to disseminate information and education on compulsive gambling as an illness and public health problem. It seeks to stimulate the concern of the medical profession, educators, leg-islators and the criminal justice system in the nationwide problem of gam-bling by supplying community services and medical treatment for compulsive gamblers-and their families. Information about compulsive gambling can be obtained through the Na-tional Council on Compulsive Gambling, Inc., 142 East 29th Street, New York, New York 10016; telephone (212) 686-6160. credit: Robert L. Custer, M.D., Chief Treatment Services Division, Mental Health and Behavioral Sciences Service, Veterans Administration, Washington, D.C. Gardening How to Care for Favorite Flowers and Plants The Kiss of the Sun for Pardon The Song of the Birds for Mirth One is nearer God's heart in a Garden Than anywhere else on Earth. There are so many different and interesting hobbies, but as I or any other gardener will testify, there is none as delightful or rewarding as tending flowers and plants. Rewarding is the key word. Other hobbies can be fun, but when the needlepoint pillow is finished, your work is done; when the painting is completed, your work is done; when the game is over, your work is done; but in the garden, your work is never done. You are creating and caring for a living thing-a work of art in its own right. Having a plant or garden is like having a good and loyal friend. The fabu-lous thing is that absolutely anyone can do it. Gardening is a joy to those who are lonely, relaxing to those who are nervous, and a lesson for those who are always in a hurry. You can't rush Mother Nature! Her seasons come and go as they please-not even politicians can tamper with the seasons. Caring for plants and flowers demands discipline, but they will return all the love and attention you give them. If you help them grow, they will never dis-appoint you. Gardening can be done on many different levels. If you are out in the country and have an acre plot, you have a variety of choices, but if you are a city dweller with just a tiny ray of sunshine peeking through an apartment window, you must choose carefully. One of the easiest flowers to grow inside is the African violet. It doesn't need full sun or a lot of water. Speaking of water, most house plants need very little-especially in the winter. At least a million plants are drowned an-nually by overenthusiastic "caretakers." Remember, plants are not fish! Wa-tering twice a week is plenty. A neat trick that I use for watering my house plants is to drop three or four ice cubes into each pot twice a week. The plants seem to love this slow, seeping method of nourishment. Temperature is important too. Most house plants do best when the temper-ature is between 60 and 70 degrees. If the room is too warm, some plants will become annoyed (and stubborn) and simply refuse to bloom. Another lovely house plant-one of my favorites-is the geranium. It comes in so many different sizes, shapes, and delightful fragrances. There is a geranium to please every eye and every nose! Like most plants, after bloom-ing all summer long, the geranium will need to take a rest. Don't worry, there are flowers for every time of year. The beginning of autumn is the time for chrysanthemums. They are one of the few house plants that really love water. They have a tendency to dry out, so do water them a little every day-enough to keep the soil moist. The min-ute a chrysanthemum gets thirsty, he'll tell you. His leaves become limp and he starts to wilt. The chrysanthemum, like all flowers, does not like to be in a draft. As you move through the fall on towards Christmas, your flowers can be-come more festive. The amaryllis comes in gay oranges, reds, and even stripes. The poinsettia, which has become the symbol of Christmas, comes in lovely shades of pink, red, and white. After Christmas, you have your bulbs; narcissus, crocus, daffodils, tulips, and hyacinths. Most of these bulbs are pre-potted when you buy them, with explicit instructions on every package. Things have become so easy today! Just unwrap the plant, water a little, put it in a sunny window, and sit back and watch it grow. These bulbs will bloom clear through spring and then it's time for your geraniums to start again. For those of you with outdoor gardens, I have a few tips on cutting and keeping your flowers fresh. All flowers will last longer if picked in the early morning when the dew is still on them. The rose needs special attention when being cut. It should always be cut at an angle just above the stem which has five leaves. This way, a new shoot will sprout from where you have cut and your rose blooms will increase. Just after cutting, pull off the leaves and plunge the roses up to their necks in lukewarm water for a few hours. This should help them last for several weeks. When you cut hollyhocks, put Clorox in the water (a tablespoon of Clorox to a quart of water). It also helps to pound the bottom two inches of the stem with a hammer. The water can then seep in more easily. If poppies are your flowers, be sure to burn the bottom two inches of the stems before putting them in water (use either a cigarette lighter or a gas stove). You will be amazed at how much longer they will last. One last gardening lesson-anyone who has an outdoor garden should re-alize that he or she has a double responsibility. Not only must the flowers be cared for-so must the birds! How lonely the garden would be without a bird! Put up a bird feeder, or just sprinkle some seeds around and see what a lively and popular spot your garden becomes. You can bring beauty and hap-piness to yourself and others through gardening. It will help you realize and appreciate how truly exquisite nature is. Happy gardening. credit: C. Z. Guest, Palm Beach, author of First Garden (paperback), New York: Chelsea House. C. Z. Guest and Elvin MacDonald, Weekly Garden Plan-ner, New York: Chelsea House. Most homosexual persons-about nine out of ten, according to a recent study-have never seen the inside of one, but the gay bar has become the in-stitutional symbol as a major recreational and social institution. So successful are the bars that in larger cities "superbars" are opening which draw not only gay crowds by the hundreds, but almost as many straight customers, eager to capitalize on the farthest-out variety of "radical chic." A city the size of Los Angeles, New York, or Chicago can support several superbars and as many as one hundred or more regular gay bars. Most gay bars are pleasant places, more so than the majority of straight and "singles" bars. They are less violent, more congenial, livelier, and in bet-ter repair. Many have restaurants and a place to dance. Some are raunchy, others discriminate against straights or even other gays, depending on whether a bar caters to the S&M (sado-masochistic) crowd, "cowboys," les-bians, blacks, Puerto Ricans, or just males. Lesbian bars tend to be smaller and less elaborate than male bars, partly because fewer lesbians make the bar scene, and partly because the real money and power in the gay world are in male hands. The main function of the gay bar is to provide an open environment for drinking, mixing, cruising (looking for partners), and often dancing and other forms of entertainment. Gay bars are, of course, moneymaking enter-prises and most do well. While gay bars may be a mecca for lonely homosexuals, it must be remem-bered they are first of all bars, and alcoholism can become a serious problem if a bar becomes the focal point of one's social life. Further, despite the rec-reational benefits bars provide, they are intended to be cruising grounds and thus contribute to promiscuity. The pressure exerted by the need to appear young and attractive, in addi-tion to the "mating rites," sexual competition, frustration and loneliness, make the bars a highly mixed bag for gays attempting to create a lifestyle of integrity and dignity. credit: Richard Woods, author of Another Kind of Love, Chicago, Illinois: Thomas More Associates. (Legal Options) Same-sex couples are not recognized as legally married, therefore their legal relationship is often characterized as "strangers" to each other under the law. Gay couples do not benefit from the tax advantages of joint tax returns. They have none of the property ownership protections and inheritance tax reduc-tions offered other "families." Since gay surviving spouses have no legal standing as heirs, it is absolutely essential that gay couples protect each other with mutual and reciprocal wills in which they name each other as the executors and beneficiaries of their es-tates. Having no community property rights or dower estate interests in each other's property, generally gay couples should own their property in some form of joint ownership. A surviving joint tenant property owner succeeds to the decedent's share of joint tenancy property outside of probate. But ask your attorney if this is the law in your state. Some states restrict the survivorship rights of joint tenants to spouses and heirs at law. By contrast, tenants in common do not have sur-vivorship rights and the decedent's share goes to the beneficiaries under a will or the heirs at law if the decedent dies intestate; that is, without a will. Moreover, in the absence of a will, all personal property not jointly owned, including cash, bank accounts, and securities, goes to the heirs at law, i.e., the "relatives." Proof of joint ownership of personal property can be a difficult, tedious, and emotionally distressing task. Therefore, even when property is jointly owned, a will is still essential. It not only guarantees the proper succession of the decedent's property, but it places the so-called "stranger" spouse in charge as the executor of the estate. Gay couples can provide protection for each other with life insurance policies. They can specifically name each other as the beneficiary of the policies and thereby keep the insurance proceeds out of probate, which will save on probate fees (not to be confused with inheritance taxes). If, how-ever, they are hesitant to name a non-related "stranger" as beneficiary of a fringe benefit policy at their place of employment, they can name their "es-tate" as the beneficiary and then bequeath the proceeds in their will to their surviving gay spouse. The tax ramifications are generally the same either way and most states provide substantial exemptions for insurance proceeds. To handle ongoing legal and business matters in the event of an emergency or absence of the other, gay couples should execute reciprocal general powers of attorney to each other. If this involves banks or government checks, it should likewise be duplicated on their prescribed forms. The inheritance tax rates of most states are based upon the blood or mari-tal relationship of the beneficiaries to the decedent. Since gay spouses are nei-ther, but are "strangers" by category, they find themselves in the highest- taxed and lowest-exempt category-taxed several times higher than their straight married counterparts. On the federal side of the estate tax coin, the results are largely the same, but are arrived at somewhat differently. Surviv-ing spouses get whopping federal marital deductions of one half of the taxable estate or as much as $250,000 deduction-whichever is greater! Gay widows and widowers receive no such tax break. Even if a gay person is so fortunate as to have owned their property jointly, and is thereby protected from greedy and long-lost "relatives," the death tax burden remains. In most states, jointly owned property is presumed by the taxing authorities to be owned entirely by the decedent-and, there-fore, fully taxed to the survivor. Unless capable of adequately documenting the proof of contribution to the acquisition and upkeep of the property, the survivor faces the classic inequity of paying to inherit back one's own prop-erty. In cases of long-established stable relationships, couples might consider adult adoptions of each other. This effectively changes the relationship from "stranger" to "parental." This not only gives them a legal relationship to each other, but in most states will reduce the inheritance tax bite by moving it to a lower-taxed "family" category. However, most states require adult adoptions to be in effect several years before they reduce inheritance taxes. One final warning about adoptions-they are difficult, if not impossible, to undo. So they should be reserved for only the most stable and time-tested of rela-tionships. Purchasing a home together is often more difficult for gay couples because lending institutions most often refuse to recognize the combined incomes of both persons for the loan qualification. Since the marital nature of the rela-tionship is not recognized, the lenders consider the "friendship" too tenuous to support a loan. In light of the soaring divorce rates, the illogic of this irra- tionale is indeed ironic. Once a home is purchased, gay couples find themselves deprived of "head of household" and "husband and wife" advantages offered to homeowners by many states. For example, creditor's exemptions and property protections such as "homesteads" are often twice as great for married couples as for "un-married" joint property owners. When those "irreconcilable differences" arise, and a gay couple decides to dissolve their relationship, they may be faced with a myriad of complex legal machinations which make the divorce courts look like kindergarten by com-parison. A gay dissolution involving family assets requires imaginative, difficult, and often long-drawn-out legal maneuverings involving potential law suits over property rights, dissolving partnerships (actual and de facto), joint tenancy partition actions, and damages from breach of implied contracts. Retirement benefit plans and medical plans provide for various protections and benefits for spouses, but not for an unmarried life partner. Likewise, there are no special reduced premiums for gay spouses on home mortgage insurance premiums, nor extended insurance coverage upon the death of the principal insured family member. Gay spouses have no standing to sue in wrongful death suits and no recoverable damages for loss of consortium of an injured spouse. Needless to say, gay surviving spouses are denied Social Security and V.A. survivor's benefits. They are likewise denied company family benefits-ranging all the way from the proverbial vacation in Hawaii to family night at the movies! credit: Al Smithson, attorney at law, San Diego, California. Gay Marriages The Metropolitan Community Church of San Diego offers a religious cere-mony called the "Rite of Holy Union" to same-sex couples under the follow-ing conditions: The couple is required to have lived together under the same roof for a minimum period of six months to one year. A same-sex couple who have chosen to share each other's lives and who have lived together in an atmosphere of mutual love and respect for a period of six months to one year have demonstrated their ability to communicate, adjust and compromise in order to preserve their relationship. The couple must participate in counseling sessions with the minister to determine their understanding of the seriousness of such a step and to as-certain as nearly as possible the stability and mutuality of their relationship as well as the depth and nature of their commitment to each other. The same-sex couple, in counseling sessions with their minister or pastor, are often able to pinpoint potential problem areas in their relationship and to deter-mine to what extent they are willing and/or able to cope with them. In addition, they are often able to verbalize and thus better define for themselves the exact nature of their commitment. The minister must be satisfied that the couple understand that this religious ceremony has no legal significance. The same-sex couple, in recognizing the absence of legal significance, will under-stand that the only acceptable motive for entering into this ceremony is to seek God's Blessing and Presence in their lives and in their relationship. Further, they will not be misled into believing that the legal rights and privileges that accrue to opposite-sex couples in "marriage" are being automatically conferred upon them. They should be advised of various legal steps which may be taken to pro-tect their mutual interests. The minister and the couple must have a mutual understanding that the Rite of Holy Union is a means of asking God's Blessing upon their rela-tionship and a public declaration before God, minister, witnesses and friends of the nature of their feelings towards each other. The Rite of Holy Union is taken very seriously by our Church (the Metro-politan Community Church Of San Diego, California). It is not to be entered into capriciously. It is, in fact, a Service of Worship, in which prayers are offered, vows are exchanged and a Blessing is given. Therefore, every possible effort is made to ensure that all parties concerned approach the service with atti-tudes of respect and reverence. The minister should be certain that the couple understand that this ceremony does not bind them together "until death do us part" but is valid only so long as mutual love exists between them. The soaring divorce rate in our country might lead one to believe that "mar-riage" is often entered into lightly, or, at best, prematurely. The climate of tes-timony in divorce cases sometimes seems to indicate that one or both parties have misunderstood the intent of marriage and have viewed it as a means of "tying up" or "binding" another human being to them regardless of later cir-cumstances. Partners in Holy Union must understand that mutual love and respect and a willingness to share each other's lives are essential to maintain a productive and rewarding relationship. The absence of this mutuality may cause the relationship to become unrewarding, if not actually destructive, to both parties. We believe that in such cases a termination of the relationship serves the best interests of the human beings involved. Therefore, we allow for a "Dissolution of Holy Union" after counseling with the minister reveals that the essential elements to a Chris-tian partnership/union are no longer present. The trauma of "guilt trips" arising from having vowed before God to remain together "until death do us part" is thus avoided. We maintain that love is the only bond which truly unites people in the sight of God. It is significant to note that the Rite of Holy Union is in no way a parody of the institution of marriage. Obviously, there is no intent of procreation, and likewise, no legal recognition of the union exists (at least not at this point in history). Why have it then? For years, homosexual or "gay" people have been subject to argument that they are overly promiscuous and are unwilling or unable to form stable rela-tionships. These arguments are advanced despite the fact that our religious institutions and our political/governmental structure have consistently denied them any of the legal, societal and, perhaps especially, religious support sys-tems upon which heterosexual marriages absolutely depend for stability or permanence. We assert that the Rite of Holy Union, i.e., the seeking and acceptance of the Blessing and Presence of God in relationships of same-sex couples, adds an importance of spiritual dimension to their lives. This added spiritual di-mension, along with the supportive fellowship of other Christian gay couples, singles and understanding heterosexual friends, relatives, etc., has already begun to demonstrate a stabilizing influence on many Christian gay unions. The knowledge that God's Love, Strength and Grace are available to them is an important beginning toward the building of supportive systems for gay couples and toward a truly Christian understanding of the homosexual in to-day's society. credit: The Reverend David Farrell, Pastor, Metropolitan Community Church of San Diego, San Diego, California. Germs dear ann: I'm the mother of two young children. My neighbor has three. Her kids are permitted to go barefoot from May to October. Of course their noses run constantly. They are never without colds. My two children caught measles from them last year. At present they are both ill with chicken pox, which they got next door. I dress my youngsters properly and do everything within my power to keep them well. But it seems hopeless with the kids next door sneezing and coughing on them. The situation is very touchy because they are great pals. I'd start a war if I suggested they not play together. Please tell me what to do. I keep praying the neighbor kids don't get leprosy or polio because if they did our kids would surely get it, too. distraught dolly dear d.d.: The world is filled with germs of every imaginable type. The best protection against illness is ample rest, proper food and normal precau-tions. When you know the neighbor children have severe colds insist that yours stay away from them. Stop worrying about leprosy. Chances for the neighbor kids getting it are very slim. Leprosy is one of the least contagious of all diseases. As for polio, the Sabin vaccine has produced a virtual miracle. It doesn't guarantee 100 percent protection, but it offers a high degree of immunity. You can't raise children under a glass bell. See that they get sufficient rest, wholesome food and are inoculated against polio, smallpox, diphtheria, mea-sles, mumps, whooping cough and rubella.